Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

Hi, I was in the same scenario as you a few years ago, except we weren’t engaged.
I completely understand the feelings you have - I would sob at the thought of being without him but knew that I wouldn’t be happy long-term and his behaviour on occasion wasn’t okay.
I am so, so much happier now - if you can be strong and take that step to end things I promise you won’t regret it.

Read your post back firstly. - leaving him is absolutely the right thing to do. You want to "save face" by not calling off the wedding etc but people would prefer that then to find out you stayed in an abusive relationship for their benefit. Do it for you! You deserve to be happy.
You said you havnt got many friends to support yiy through a break up? Equally ths tmeans you don't have many people to support you through the abuse you have suffered and will continue to. Abuse doesn't get better, it gets worse and your lucky bevause you see it. You see the signs but leaving is the hardest part. You have to be strong. Money comes and goes. You say he's a high earner, what if you marry him and he loses his job at some point? Then he won't have all that money. Money comes and goes. You can equally work hard to earn a good income. Anything is possible. You have the same 24 hours in a day as anyone else does, some people achieve incredible things and you can too ❤️ get out while you still can xxx

Even just the first bit with him telling you to 'stop being a cunt' was bad enough without all the rest of it. I think you know the answer deep down or you wouldn't be posting. If you've read other posts on here you will see that behaviour like this always escalates. It will get worse, especially once you marry him and have children.

Get out now. You are still so young. Please don't feel like this has to be your life or 'I might never find anyone else'. This sick anxious feeling he gves you, that will be there for life if you marry him. Get out now.

As for the other guy, I'd try to step away from that for now. You don't need anything clouding your judgement right now. If he's right for you then he'll still be there when you're single.

Imagine all these scenarios but with small kids in tow? He is not a nice person, period! Get out & save yourself before you get trapped in this relationship. Don't marry him. Save your money & run.

I called off my wedding with a few weeks notice for much less than your post. I was embarrassed and worried about what people would think but my parents supported me and while I was heartbroken for a while I did move on and am now happily married to someone completely different.

Please don't go through with it if you have any doubts - this behaviour is not acceptable and tends to get worse rather than better over time.

Get out now op.
Yes it'll hurt for awhile but down the line you'll realise how much happier you are.
It'll get worse.

You know what you need to do OP. Yes, it will be tough at first but then it will get better. Whereas if you stay with this man, it will always be tough and it will get worse and worse. You need to leave him. You will have a better life without him.

Meanwhile, get an appt with your GP asap and get on the waiting list for NHS therapy.

oh OP what you've been through is heartbreaking to read.

I was you but I went through with the wedding - 15 years later I am divorced with two kids. I wouldn't change my life for the world as I have two wonderful children BUT I didn't have to go through with it. I didn't have to settle. I know that now. Not one person I care about would of judged me, and even if they had - its your life, not theirs.

Oh and the other man you are talking to - I'm not proud of this but I did end up having an affair - the other man showed me what it was to feel loved/desired - this gave me the push to get out of my marriage. Your OM isn't a red herring, it might be the universe saying to you that your partner isn't the right one. You don't need to jump straight into another relationship or anything like that, but he is part of what is showing you that your relationship is wrong for you.

All the pain and upheaval could of been avoided if I would of listened to myself way back then. If it isn't right, it just isn't and that is 100% ok.

End the relationship today
Why stay with anyone that is horrible to you ?

Better to be on your own, than be miserable !

Lots of red flags here blue, but thank goodness your instincts are spot on. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. Of course a split won't be nice but you know it is the right thing and it won't get easier. I ignored plenty of red flags and had a child with a violent man. If I had a time machine my first wish would be to give her a proper childhood away from him. I think you are near that time machine now. Mumsnet are with you. Good luck

First of all yes leave him. Call off the engagement. He’s abusive and it’ll only get worse. No abuser suddenly transforms into Prince Charming the minute they get you down the aisle. If anything it’s guaranteed to make him worse once he’s got you tied down.

Secondly do not get sucked in by this other guy. It won’t help you at all to leave one man for another. Stop talking to him, tell him you need to work on yourself because you do. There’s every chance he’s another abuser who can see you’re vulnerable at the minute. I left an emotionally and financially abusive marriage and walked straight into the arms of my “saviour” who was not only emotionally and financially abusive but physically and sexually too. I had no way of knowing he was going to be, he was every inch the “good guy” and told me how wonderful I was and how I deserved better. Only to be worse then my ex husband.

You need to break off your engagement and focus on you. You could do the freedom course x

Oh and yes, it will be painful no matter what. It will hurt at first but please don’t use this other guy as a plaster. You need to go through this and heal to come out the otherside

Just because he's not as abusive as someone in your past, it doesn't mean he's not abusive lovely,

You deserve happiness and this isn't it

You said it yourself OP, you're wasting away. This is not a relationship you can thrive in, and feel safe and secure in. He treats you dreadfully. You absolutely do not have to take it. I know you desperately want things to magically get better but they won't

Yes there will be hurt, and sadness, and loss and maybe even shame and embarrassment around calling off the wedding. Totally understandable. If you were my friend though, I would be in awe of the bravery it took to stand up for yourself and do what you know is right. I would be cheering you on all day every day. I'm sure not everyone is as enamoured with your relationship as you think they are by the way. The happiness and congratulations around the wedding may just be politeness. We've all done it, I certainly have. You know what you need to do. Lots of handholds at the ready

If he is like this now goodness knows how bad he will be in a few years time. A hundred times worse I would imagine. You can't possibly go ahead with this wedding. Dont get involved with somebody else. Its far too soon. Concentrate on ending this relationship.

Absolutely leave, too many serious red flags. He sounds like he has anger issues & your sex life also suggests it’s not right Xox

I thought LTB after just a few lines. The rest you said just confirmed it.

You might well find you don't need a psychotherapist once this relationship is over. If you can be strong and create good boundaries for yourself that will help you massively.

Cancel the wedding as quickly as you can, to give suppliers etc enough notice.

Do you have a friend's house you can stay at while you get a flat?

Oh and don't go straight into the arms of the other guy. That would be disastrous. If I were you I'd plan not to date at all for six months, to give yourself time to figure things out.

I recognise completely what you're going through OP and ime it comes down to this, you have to weigh the short term (and it will be short term even though it doesn't feel like it now) pain and upheaval against, potentially, years or even decades of these incidents that make you feel unsafe and as though you want to hide. You will already be realising that each new incident chips away at your love for and trust in him so as time goes by you don't even have that to keep you going, the good times get fewer and your self esteem ebbs away and at some point in the future you will hit your limit and have to do the very thing you're so afraid of right now. And you will have to do it having endured years of this shit, possibly with kids to think about and with your life even more enmeshed with his than it is now. Please don't wait, get out now before you get in any deeper and lose yourself completely, there are few things in life as important as being true to yourself and you know this isn't right

Like you I had doubts about my partner & wanted to call off the wedding, I was persuaded by him to get married, it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. He is treating you like dirt, doesn't show you any care or respect, you are better off without you.

You might not think you have many friends but I bet everyone who was there when he shouted at you and argued with staff will know precisely why you are leaving him.

You aren't alone in seeing the real him.

Do what you need to do financially and walk - or push him out, depending on your housing situation.

You'll get lots of advice and support here from women who have been in similar situations.

Good luck

While agreeing with all the above this will only get worse I'd he comes off antidepressants. He will be even more cranky. Run!! And you will be fine

Definately get yourself away fron this horrible man.
On the brightside, it also sounds like other people see what a lunatic he is too so they'll know fine why you left.

But end things with the other guy too as the amount of people who end up leaving one abuser and falling in with another is huge. They always seem 'completely different' from your ex. In the beginning.

For the most part, healthy people are not attracted to people with poor boundaries. Right now, your boundaries are not where they need to be. So I can almost guarantee that that new guy is a shark too. But even if he isn't, the point is that you may not be able to tell rn. So step away and protect yourself.

Be brave.

Do not marry this man.

Yes you need to leave this abusive man. It will get worse if you stay.

It will be odd and painful at first but the feeling subsides quickly.