Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

Your gut is telling you to leave and it is absolutely right. This situation won't get better... it will only worsen and you'll be trapped. You deserve so much better than this.

He sounds like a gaslighting, emotionally abusive prick.

Good luck OP. You can do this. The first step is always the hardest

@rosabug

It's interesting how often to fail to realise the most important thing is how we feel in a relationship.

I was with a man for 20 years who while not being overtly abusive, starved me of sex, refused to communicate honestly with me and somehow made me feel incrementally neglected and ugly.

After it ended (painfully) I could see how I had put aside how I felt time and time again to ensure the relationship continued because I was terrified of losing him. Now my main regret is that it didn't end much much sooner.

Then I fell in love again with someone else, but after about 10 months some weird things started happening in the relationship. I couldn't make sense of it. Talking to him just resulted in gaslighting. I felt confused, rejected and humiliated.

I realised no way will I ever let someone make me feel bad again - ever. I left him and now I am so glad I had the good times with him, but also so glad I left before it took the inevitable path.

You know, I'm 60 and I wish I had realised earlier that nothing lasts forever. The illusion of love ever after is a killer for women. Be happy for the time you spend with someone but don't be the lobster in the pot. Get out when you feel the heat.

Listen to your feelings. If you feel bad - it's because you feel bad and how someone makes you feel is crucial.

^ This 100%

Another way of looking at it is, does it energise you? Do you feel excited, uplifted and positive? If so, you're on the right path for you.

I imagine you feel the opposite though.

This will be the best your life will ever be if you continue this relationship.
You know that.
You are strong.
Walk... run...fly... but get away. Put an end to this now.
You will find people do understand... they have seen his behaviour.. and yours.

Run
If here is this bad now it will get worse, way worse
He sounds a complete dick head
Ditch and move on
This is not a one off he does this sort of thing to you a lot, do not accept it bin him off

I can’t believe all the supportive and lovely replies from everyone - thank you.
I was prepared to be told I was overreacting, which is indicative of how much he’s done a number on me I guess.
Tonight has been fine though he’s sensed I’m pulling away and is upping the affection which irritates me. I can’t stand the sight of him at the moment.
All I can think of is my lovely late grandparents who I adored and how they would want better for me. It’s so hard but I think the scales have finally fallen from my eyes!

Do be careful as you are leaving. He will go into overdrive to keep you in the relationship. I wouldn't tell him you're calling it off until you have got yourself out and then do it via phone or with someone else there with you. Get any important documents or belongings out of the house and somewhere safe in case you can't get back for your stuff. This is a very tricky time but you will be fine - just keep yourself safe. Well done OP. You are doing the best thing xx

When I was mid twenties I was engaged to someone who didn't feel right for me. There was no abuse, unlike your situation, but I felt I didn't love him enough - if at all.

For all the reasons you list I was too scared to call off the wedding; I too had been sexually abused and was, initially pleased to be with someone who didn't want me just for sex. My lovely Dad realised how I felt and even on my wedding day told me I could call it off and he would have my back, but I went ahead and spent my wedding night in tears.

The marriage lasted 10 miserable years. When I ended it I was condemned by many and ostracised by my mother, for bringing shame on the family, my supportive Dad had died by then. So I had only postponed the fall out.

I did go on to meet a lovely man nd we have been together ever since

Your man is an abuser, please take my advice and end it now because it will end eventually, the fall out will be worse later and you will have been miserable in the meantime. Be kind to yourself 💐

@Tiger2018

oh OP what you've been through is heartbreaking to read.

I was you but I went through with the wedding - 15 years later I am divorced with two kids. I wouldn't change my life for the world as I have two wonderful children BUT I didn't have to go through with it. I didn't have to settle. I know that now. Not one person I care about would of judged me, and even if they had - its your life, not theirs.

Oh and the other man you are talking to - I'm not proud of this but I did end up having an affair - the other man showed me what it was to feel loved/desired - this gave me the push to get out of my marriage. Your OM isn't a red herring, it might be the universe saying to you that your partner isn't the right one. You don't need to jump straight into another relationship or anything like that, but he is part of what is showing you that your relationship is wrong for you.

All the pain and upheaval could of been avoided if I would of listened to myself way back then. If it isn't right, it just isn't and that is 100% ok.

Yes, same but ten years down the line, struggling to leave with two kids in tow. Don’t do it op. There isn’t a day goes by I don’t regret walking away from my wedding, which I went through with partly just because it felt too embarrassing not to, even though red flags were everywhere.

Wishing you all the strength you need, OP. I don't know if this helps but I have a relative who called off a wedding at short notice and nobody thought badly of her at all. I thought it was a very brave thing to do (and the whole family agreed that her ex was a knob).

I'd echo the advice given by PP to leave first and then tell him.

Good luck

If you marry this horrible bully you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. It is as stark as that.

You deserve to be safe, happy, loved, desired, protected and cared about. You deserve to leave this bastard and embrace with both hands a life in which you are never frightened or disrespected.

The pain of breaking off the engagement and starting over is temporary. It might be hard, but you can do hard things. Please give yourself the gift of leaving this man.

Give him the ring back and look to move out. FGS dont marry a bully and replicate your parents unhappy marriage. You can do better!

I wish I had called of my marriage. I had a physical fight the week before the wedding with him. A few months before that he had told me he might go back to an ex because she earned more money than I did. He also verbally put me down and screamed at me in the car on the way to take me to hospital for an operation because he couldn't find the building. I put it down to pre wedding nerves and thought that it would sort itself out. On the morning of the wedding I thought well I can always get a divorce. It was 11 years of bullying, shouting, being raped and smacked before I told him to go and he did so only because he had been shagging someone else and had a bolt hole. He would not have if he hadn't had another woman.

I wish I had called it off.

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time OP but I'm glad you're recognising how he's treating you is wrong and are considering leaving! I agree with others that you should try and leave first then let him know afterwards if that's possible.

Also did no one say anything at the table when he spoke to you like that? How horrible

Best to Leave now before entering into an intolerable marriage with an expensive
Divorce and Probably kids in the mix. Somebody clearly disinterested in sex isn’t going to miraculously get their sexdrive back! Leave now x

Leave now. I was engaged and when I was asked my heart sank. I made myself stay with him and it is the worse decision of my life.

You simply cannot marry someone who calls you a cunt. Those are not the words of someone who loves you. And how could you ever love someone who could talk to you like that? It’s just pure contempt. Be brave and get rid of him, those who love you will be proud of you and probably already have the measure of him tbh especially if he shouts at you in public as you describe. Good luck lady.

Hope you are okay op? Plse do not marry this man. Before you know it you will have kids and then it will be even harder. Leave him & take some time for yourself to recover. Good luck.

If I knew before I married what I know now I wouldn’t have married, the last seven years and especially this one have really hit home I dread the next 20 odd years the loving in-laws won’t be around forever either. Leave and leave now.

Hi everyone, I can’t get over how much support and useful advice I’ve had on this thread - thank you all so very much.
I’m doing ok, I confided in my brother who was nothing but supportive and will speak to a close friend on Monday too. I feel really scared at the thought of breaking up and the inevitable fall out but I can’t think of spending the rest of my life in hell.

So glad you're talking to people IRL blueblue. You can do this, short term pain for massive long term gain! Everyone here will cheerlead you on your way, don't forget to check back if you have a wobble. You've got this.

Hell would probably be better than a life with this man.

Find all of your courage and make it happen ASAP. The sooner you're out, the sooner you'll find your happiness.

Well done op.

Good that you've started on the right path. If you know it's not right, then you're just stealing time from your future self. The sooner you leave this relationship, the sooner you can start the next stage of your life.

Rooting for you here. You got this & we've got you x

The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look

I can assure you that when he shouted "LET ME SPEAK" at you in the restaurant, everyone would have been appalled, and sitting there thinking 'Well if he talks to her like that in public, God knows what he's like in private'.

I was just thinking that incident at the restaurant, were they your friends too? Because if i had witnessed someone talking to you like that, I would have taken you asside to ask if you were OK at some point.

Well heck, tbh if it was me, I would have loudly exclaimed 'don't talk to her like that you utter dickhead' xD but that probably wouldn't have been everyone's go to.

But I'd like to think that if I was in that scenario that my friends would have checked in with me afterwords. Even if it was just a text to see if I was OK.

I have a feeling these guys aren't the best kinds of 'friends' to have around you at this time tbh.