Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

Ah, by this stage you know you need to leave. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

Get your ducks in a row & get out safely ASAP. You will get plenty of support on here & im sure IRL too. I doubt if your real friends will be terribly surprised

Even if he was the most perfect guy in the world you don’t have to stay with him or marry him if it doesn’t feel the right thing to do. I broke off an engagement when I was 21 to a perfectly nice man, everyone arround me was puzzled but supportive. He and I weren’t really suited and had rushed into things. I’m way older now and worked with a younger woman about 4 years ago, she had moved hundreds of miles to live with her then fiancé, he had the better job it was his flat etc. He seemed nice enough but she broke off the engagement a month before the wedding. She said she just didn’t love him in the “right way” but there were no red flags. All her family and friends and us work colleagues said that she did totally the right thing if she wasn’t sure. 4 yrs later she’s married to a really lovely guy ( they met through work) she’s moved hundreds of miles back taking her DH and they have the sort of lifestyle ( not financially) that some bloggers could only dream of. Recently saw on Facebook that she is expecting her first child.

He's a bully. You're scared of him. You have every right to walk away.

The thought of being alone is scary, but the reality really is ok. You can do this. You deserve better.

You are very vulnerable, and worn down now, and this is not likely to change any time soon, with a man with this kind of temperament. It would be foolish to carry on being with this man, who has no respect for you, and your future with him, would be unsettled and daunting.

I imagine the psychotherapist has given you back a glimmer of hope, self esteem and self respect but that clashes so harshly with how he treats you. I went through similar, I left because it was destroying me and I couldn't see a way forward if I stayed. Loving him wasn't enough when I knew I deserved to feel differently.

You know what's right for you.

Tell your therapist (how much does she already know?) Ask her to help you get yourself out of this, help you work out what to say to family etc. Then ask if you can come to arrangement with payments while you sort yourself out.

Tell your family or anyone else you are close to and get along with. Ask for their help.

Agree with pp this new man on the scene is attracted to your vulnerability and is almost certainly another abuser. Drop him completely.

You can do this OP.

Get out now my love I’m in a marriage where he’s grumpy angry angry not physically but the emotional struggle gets you down sex is non existence due to meds also just not bothered I think, I no longer care. Your worth so much more than this. Hugs.

You're not wrong in wanting to leave him. He is not a nice person and likely to become dangerous towards you. You need to get out pronto.

However, talking to another man and effectively have an emotional affair is not right at all. Stop talking to him at once. You're better than that, plus if your current partner finds out, I can't see him taking it well.

Please leave him. It sounds like you know what your gut feeling is telling you. It's never going to get better. Add the stress of children on top and I'd be really concerned.

You can do it!!

It's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you. I think you know that.

You can do it. Get out. Get out now.

It will be a million times harder after a wedding, after children. Just don't.

You get one life. Don't wait, act now. You absolutely will not regret it. But you WILL regret staying.

Good luck.

He sounds really horrible, and he will get worse.

The friends etc who are so happy with you would be horrified to attend your wedding if they knew he called you a cunt, pushed you, doesn’t want sex etc.

This is my advice:

1. Tell your therapist what happened, that you want to leave but are afraid of the process. Talk this through with her.
2. Tell one good friend. Possibly one who witnessed the pub incident. Be clear that you want support / help to leave, and are not seeking ‘how to make it better’ advice.
3. The cancellations etc are just admin. Maybe a couple of friends would help.

My guess is that if you tell one friend they will admit that they had seen signs of his behaviour.

You will be OK.

A lot more OK once you are free than if you tie yourself to this abusive man.

Good luck.

Ooh, time to cut him loose me thinks. This is never going to improve.

I guess you want children. Imagine how he will be when the little darlings are misbehaving.

30 is very young. Plenty of time to meet someone new. Don't settle. Too many women do.

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP I really am. My thoughts are quite simple and as follows.

The relationship is doomed because he is an utter bastard. He will never change, no matter how much he may promise to, because he cannot change. It's part of who he is.

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You are worth more than that.

It's far easier to call off a wedding and split up than it is to get divorced. And the sooner it's done the better.

Definitely break it off.

Run

i had a bad time with men until I was 30. I grew up with a father who beat my mother, i was left with anxiety and issues around self worth. Kept dating men who treated me badly. Finally met someone who treated me like a queen, I was so suspicious and couldnt work out why someone like this would date me. We have been together 20 plus years now. I was glad I dumped my ex who was financially abusive and emotionally abusive. Took time for me to start dating. Life can be better

He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it

This is what they always say. They probably even believe it themselves. He'll say it when he's punched you, and he'll say it when he's had his hands round your throat.

Get out of there, it will only get worse.

If this was a friend, what would you advise her to do? Youd be telling her it's normal to feel sad at a break up even if it's the right thing to do. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. Change is scary, even positive changes. You would be saying to her that it doesnt matter about cancelling the wedding, everyone just wants her to be happy rather than go ahead with something just because they are worried about other peoples reactions.

He is aggressive and starting to get violent. This will only get worse especially if you ever had kids together and you factor in tiredness, pressure on finances etc. Coming off ADs isnt going to help that

Thank you SO much to everyone who's taken the time to reply. It really means the world to me and all the advice has been great.
I know what needs to be done, I just think I have to be clever about how I actually get out for my own sake.
I've told my parents and they have been really supportive, and said whatever my decision is they are with me.
I'm seeing my brother tomorrow and I'll confide in him then, and a very good friend on Monday. I know I will have their support.
My therapist already knows and also you all know now - something about verbalising it makes it real and puts the wheels in motion. I keep thinking about children and how much I don't want to hitch my wagon to this man for the rest of my life!
In my head I know 30 is still so comparatively young (especially in London) but it feels very very daunting to start all over again.
I keep getting wrapped up in the practicalities/logistics and how that would all work and I know thats not where my focus should be!

Honestly I think you're going to have a great time being footloose and fancy free in London for a while!!
You're definitely making the right decision!

Anytime you think you're not, go back and read your first post!

It does feel daunting to change but it’s not ‘starting again’. You’re coming out of this older, wiser and you’ll be stronger for it. You can gain so much by leaving even if in the short term it’s difficult - and all of that is invaluable for the rest of your life, and at 30 you have so much to explore and experience.

Really lovely your parents are behind you and I think your future self will look back on this time as one of the bravest and best decisions you ever made.

Run far far away, please don't marry him, you will regret that for sure.

You won't regret leaving xx

I am sure that you know what you must do. It is hard; but it is right.

Get your freedom back and move on.

Tbf I think we all start over various times throughout life. In many ways. Sometimes totally. This time you're dropping an asshole from your life and maybe moving home. Next time you might be changing careers or emigrating or whatever else.
It's part of life. All part of the adventure.

Good luck OP , you're doing the right thing.