Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

You are over the worst now. Stay strong. I don't want to hold your hand...I want to hug you! I suppose you are imaging the way things could have been in an ideal world
Focus on your needs and ......gosh I don't know what else to say! Good luck...x

Watch the wine at this time, especially if you have a phone to hand "dial a drink" is a thing or "wineApp" as my friend calls it🤭🤣.

Wine can be an awful downer which is not what you need now.

You will get there.

You're doing great. If you have a 'witching hour' for a drink, try getting up earlier in the morn & going to bed earlier-binging something on Netflix or whatever. Like pp says, you are aware & naming your emotions which all helps. Just keep going & lean on friends. You got this

I just wanted to write here as I’m really struggling with it all. I’ve read my list of reasons why we split multiple times to try and get it into my head but the pain is just too much.
I spoke to my ex at the weekend and he was pleading, begging and heavily distraught which of course was tough to hear. Otherwise we’ve had no contact. Tone changed a bit and He kept saying he “felt short changed” after so long “putting up with me” and my issues and that I left him over such a “small thing” and he deserved better. I sobbed my heart out.
He’s left the country and will be away for the next 3 so I have the flat until then at least, he implied he would stay somewhere else when he came back. Being there surrounded with all his things is tough and of course I can’t forget the times we had that were happy. I’m going to stay with family for 6 days tomorrow so that will get me out at least.
Please someone tell me I’ve done the right thing because the pain is just too much to bear at the moment.

You have done the right thing. He should cherish you. Not 'put up' with you.

Not a good idea to stay at the flat if you have anywhere else to go. It will only make a tough situation tougher.

It will get better

Of course you have done the right thing.

And of course it will be painful.

But it will be short pain long gain.

Know the strategy to get through this (it has to be NC - that’s the aim - you might fall off the wagon - but you need to get back on it each and every time - like a diet until it becomes your normal habit).

Shore up your support and resources. Do anything and everything to emotionally protect and defend yourself.

It’s a titrated mix of distraction and dealing with the balance of each part will change over time.

Be busy. Don’t drink. Drop SM. Reconnect with friends. Distract. Plan and implement your new life.

Therapy and processing. Feeling and healing. Feel the hurt, shock, anger and then sorrow and grief for what it wasn’t and can’t be.

Know your risk times / environments / thought patterns - when you tend to go down an rabbit hole and consciously intercept this negative spiral - literally shift yourself out of your dangerous/vulnerable mind and into your body - move your body, take a shower, do some squats, run.

Visualise your future children being annihilated in public, physically manhandled, emotionally degraded directly or the pain of watching their empty shell of a mother fumble through life.

Your babies deserve better than that.

You are putting yourself at risk being in his company and environment. Try to get out and go NC. How did this come about?

He probably feels "short changed" because you dumped him, rather than him dumping you. It's probably a power thing.

Even when he's trying to get back together with you he's insulting you ("putting up with you"). This is who he is. He's never going to change, he's never going to be the man you want him to be.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

He also demonstrated his grossness - not even capable of sustaining the begging and pleasing - did just enough emotional manipulation/ crocodile tears to suck you back into punching distance - so that he could lay a low blow.

Get yourself physically away from this man and in time you will be able to mentally leave.

OP you have absolutely done the right thing, I promise you. You're in the thick of it but I promise once you're on the other side, this will be the best decision you ever made x

He didn't beg for long did he if he was insulting you so quickly?

Poor him, he put in a bit of time and thought he could marry you and abuse and intimidate you for life?

What a thug OP.

Please leave that flat and do not be suck in again by him.

It wasn’t a ‘small thing’ though OP. He called you a cunt, that’s emotional abuse. He pushed you out of a room, that’s physical abuse. You are well rid. Stay strong, find somewhere else to live and stop all contact with him. Especially after a wine! No good can come of this. He’s just going to mess with your head.

"OP you have absolutely done the right thing, I promise you. You're in the thick of it but I promise once you're on the other side, this will be the best decision you ever made x"

@blueblueelectricblue28 - this with bells on. You're going through the most difficult part. And staying at the flat you shared with him seems like a bad idea if there's anywhere else you can stay. Right now, you're really in the thick of the pain and grief. It's really, really hard. But you just have to hang on in there. He could have been the nicest man in the world but the fact that you thought "this isn't right" when he proposed would still have made it right to walk away. But he wasn't the nicest man in the world by a long shot and treated you badly in numerous ways.

Hang on in there, OP. The pain and grief you're going through now is intense but it is nothing compared to what you would go through if you had stayed with him. Your future self is so grateful that you've done this for her. She's cheering you on!

Try and remember how you felt when you were cowering in your bedroom, wedged between furniture @blueblueelectricblue28 - do you really want to go back to that?

Hold your head high OP, you are doing the right thing for yourself, because there's only YOU that matters

He was distraught but in the same breath said he'd been 'putting up with you and your issues'.....in that case have you not done him a favour? It's ALL manipulation and mind games.....you have saved yourself, don't put yourself in danger again

He kept saying he “felt short changed” after so long “putting up with me” and my issues and that I left him over such a “small thing” and he deserved better

This tells you loud and clear that you did the right thing!

No reflection on his part in all this. No realisation and acknowledgement that he treated you badly. No apology. No promise to do better.

Just blaming you.

You don’t need us to tell you you have done the right thing. Just read your OP through.

Please don’t go back to the flat! He could turn up at any time! Sounds like a trap to me

@blueblueelectricblue28 he “felt short changed” after so long “putting up with me” - rubbish!

That reads logically that he has had such a terrible time putting up with you, so his reward should be - more of the same! If you are as bad as he makes out then he should be happy as larry that you aren't together.

Rubbish. He is just trying to make you feel guilty as he hasn't got a punchbag anymore.

Onwards upwards without his nonsense.

Leave Op. You’d tell your friend or sister to do it. If you stay it will be him yelling or swearing at your baby. Or escalating violence when you are pregnant.

If you go back to him he will punish you for this.

It may not be immediate - but when it comes it will be devastating.

@blueblueelectricblue28 you've been brave and absolutely done the right thing. I know you're dreadfully upset but remind yourself how his tone changed in that conversation when he realised you weren't being swayed by him
Please don't be in that flat when he returns.
Are you absolutely certain he's telling the truth about not being in the country?
I'm sure someone else has already said it, but the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she actually leaves.
Do not be alone with him. Cut contact apart from separating any financial entanglement which can be done via email.
Make sure he doesn't find out where you live in the future.
May sound like I'm being dramatic, but he sounds like a nasty piece of work. And now he could be feeling you've made him lose face. I suffered worse at the hands of my exH after I left him than I actually did beforehand.
Do not look back. You honestly will be much happier and probably much sooner than you think.

How are you doing @blueblueelectricblue28?

@ESGdance

How are you doing *@blueblueelectricblue28*?

Thanks for checking in and thinking about me @ESGdance. I'm doing OK I think. I'm still taking it a day at a time and have a few seconds every morning where I forget whats happened then have to remember... I know in the long run I've done myself a favour but at the moment the pain is very real. I'm with family at the moment and its the place we would have been married in... call me sentimental but driving past the church and reception has broken me every time. I have a few teary moments every day but the parts in between are OK. I suppose I've just got to keep moving forward and shake the pain off.

That’s not at all surprising that being next to the church and the reception would be intensely triggering at this time. Don’t be hard on yourself - it will ease in time.

Do you have enough coping strategies, diversions and compassionate, supportive family and friends to tide you over?

What are the next risky moments? When he’s back? Christmas? Birthdays etc. Flag them up ahead in your head and have plans in place to distract / cope at those difficult times?

Remember that being unhappy in a relationship is enough of a reason to decide that it’s not right for you. There doesn’t need to be a huge fight or adultery. He’s trying to pressure you to change your mind by saying you ended it over a small thing. Firstly, no you didn’t. There’s an entire history of him behaving awfully, so it’s a cumulation and you just had the final straw. Secondly, he doesn’t get to decide what your deal breaker is, what you should and should not put up and when you are allowed to say that it’s not working for you. Those are your choices, not his. Thirdly, all the soppy apologies in the world when he’s trying to get what he wants again don’t make up for what he’s like when he’s being his authentic self. That’s the side of his character that swears at you, scares you and embarrasses you.
Absolutely - there will have been great and happy moments. Any couple that are together for years will have plenty of good memories. That’s not the same as him being the right marital partner for you. Stay strong and remember why you decided that he wasn’t the person you wanted to marry. He called you a cunt after you said you’d leave if he did it again. Which part of that shows any respect for you?

He feels short changed?!??? He 'put up with' you?!?? Fucken hell he is a loathsome maggot! If that didn't make you feel furious with him I don't know what will. He has NO sense of shame or remorse! He made you feel so afraid of him that you hid from him, and he is the one who is playing the victim? Fuck me dead he is SCUM! If you don't hate him with every fibre of your being right now, I don't know what to say. He has proven you right. YOU are too good for him, HE shortchanged you and YOU put up with him for far too long. He is sociopathic!