Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

I think telling someone you're 'putting up' with them as if being flawed (like any human is) makes someone unlovable is part of emotional abuse. I had an ex who used to say it all the time. Implied I was broken because of autism/ADHD, as if he didn't have masses of problems and issues of his own. It's a thing inadequate men do to drag you down to their level and try to stop you leaving.

Note how it isn't 'I'll work on myself to be a better partner'. No, it's 'I tolerated you and now you owe me.' Clearly bullshit, isn't it?

I just wanted to write on my thread again so I have somewhere to keep my thoughts. A month on since I left and the adrenaline has worn off and I'm just devastated and can't stop crying, often hysterical. I don't think I'm suicidal but I just want the pain to stop and feel very unstable. I can't bear to see anything wedding or engagement related and find myself tearing up at small babies on the tube... ridiculous really. I know we weren't right together but we did also have happy memories and good times and to let go of all of that is so hard. The thought of him being with anyone else almost makes me vomit but at the same time I don't want him back either. I re read the list of the abusive things he did on a daily basis to try and keep it in my head.
We have agreed I will stay in the flat (he does not have access) until the new year which at least gives me stability but it was our home and its painful to be here.
Please would someone hold my hand and stay with me as I can't see how I'm going to get through this.

OP, I'm so sorry you are still struggling.

I think staying in the flat is not the best idea.

Can you go home to your parents.

The memories in the flat and going home to it empty are not helpful.

You are grieving and that is very hard.

Unfortunately staying with a very abusive thug would have been very hard too.

You will have to go through this to get to a better place.

Have you sourced counselling yet?

Could a friend move in with you to change the dynamics of the flat?

Please call it off!!! Red flags galore. He sounds awful and it will only get worse. Don't trap yourself with this man.

You can do this. You’ve been so brave. It’s still very very fresh - let the emotions flow.

By ending the relationship you’ve increased your chances of a happy, loving life a million times over. Just hold on tight until the pain of change ebbs away. It will

I've been here and it's shit. What sort of helped me was every time I saw 'what I didn't have any more' (babies, coupley things etc) I reminded myself in a reasonably stern way that I didn't actually have it with him either - because he wouldn't have behaved like that. It's mental future faking, it's telling yourself it would have been lovely but you KNOW it would not have been, and you have escaped that shit disappointing experience. It's 100% better not to have that experience at all than to have him there ruining all the things by just not living up to what you deserve. Better times are to come, they just don't come with a big side order of 'I get treated like shit and that's the price I pay for having a bloke'.

Hi @billy1966 great to see you here! Thank you for all your sage advice.
The flat is a 1 bed otherwise I'd love to have a friend to stay.
I need to be in London for work and my parents live a plane ride away so its not really practical to stay there (I was there last week and found it really distressing seeing the church and reception venue etc)
I just keep bursting into tears and getting hysterical, I feel like my heart has been ripped into a million pieces. How do people get through this?! I can't motivate myself to do anything, I just want to disappear and for it all to stop.

You don’t realise how far up this mountain you have climbed. This is what you have achieved.

1. You logged that there were successive incidents that terrorised, silenced and traumatised you with fear.

1. You paid attention to your gut (real) reaction when he proposed. You continued to reflect on this and remembered it through the wedding planning stages.

1. You had a last straw incident, post proposal, that confirmed your worst fears.

1. You considered your options - intelligently and calmly.

1. You reached out for validation and support from the people who love and respect you - friends, family, colleagues. And you got it.

1. You sought expert professional support with a therapist.

1. You sought online support here.

1. You paid attention to yourself and the opinions of others and made a rational but painful decision.

1. You put together a plan to move out calmly with dignity and integrity.

10. You have allowed yourself to be exposed to the painful, tumultuous processing and grieving of a long term relationship and a future you had hoped for (with this person).

11. You have held on tight when you are discombobulated.

12. You are reaching out for support when you hit a buffer.

13. You know that him being with someone else will be excruciating and you are anticipating this pain.

You are in the thick of it right now. But you are a long way up that mountain. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable to falling back down to the bottom. Do whatever it takes to emotionally protect yourself and support yourself to the top. Take whatever you need. Know where the bumps in the road are likely to be and have plans in place to mitigate and distract. Do all of the healthy physical stuff to boost you on (eat and sleep well, yoga, exercise etc). Keep talking to friends, family, therapist etc. This is a huge project / expedition and you will come through.

Look at it like delayed gratification - you can have the shit version of marriage, children etc today or a stunning, quality, sustainable version of marriage and children a bit later.

All advice is to not expose your raw wounds to the source of your pain if you want to heal (him) - so get yourself out of the flat, off SM and NC with him. You don’t need to hear or know anything about him as it will fill your head with doom - you need this headspace clear for your fresh new wonderful future. He doesn’t get to pollute that or hold you back from that.

Cold turkey is the way to go. Hour by hour, day by day. Maybe keep a log to be able to see that you got through a morning or an evening or an hour without disintegrating.

This time of year is so hard when your heart is so sore. Would it be possible to get involved with something voluntary so your focus is directed away from your own pain if only for a few hours a week? Sorry if that is not helpful

You are mourning the idealised relationship, and feeling all of that loss.

Logically you know that the idealised relationship isn't what you were experiencing but that doesn't help with your raw feelings at the moment.

As with all losses you have to go through the steps of grief, but know that you will come out of the other side stronger and your new boundaries will mean you'll be better placed for a healthy relationship

Don’t marry this man, life is to short. Can you imagine if you had children in this environment? Value yourself and get out.

You will look back and be so glad you did not marry and have children with this man.

As someone who had doubts before marriage and ignored them I can tell you that you made the right decision.

How are you doing @blueblueelectricblue28? Sending love

Just read through your posts and hoping you're doing well OP. You are incredibly, incredibly strong.

How are things going for you?

@Hanooooooo & @billy1966 how lovely of you to check in and ask how I am... really made me smile, thank you!

Well I'm in the flat until the end of February so it gives me a bit of time to figure out my next move. He has left me well alone and we have contact to discuss the practical things but there's zero emotion.

I also have Covid (along with seemingly everyone else in London) so its been a bit difficult being stuck in the flat with too much time on my hands - prior to covid I was out and about with friends a lot and in the office every day so the enforced solitude is making me mull over things a lot.

I'm alright I suppose. I cry a lot thinking about what could have been (not that that would have been the reality, which would have been misery) and it would have been our anniversary on Saturday. Things flash into my head of the good times and I hate that my brain is tricking into thinking he was a good person. Because he wasn't!

I'm sure I have done myself a huge favour but at the moment its hard to see that as I am very much heartbroken.
I really appreciate the love and well wishes, this thread really has changed my life, no exaggeration!

Thanks for letting us know! In the back of my mind I had feared as you were feeling a little vulnerable and hadn’t been on the thread for a while you may have gone back to him (which - no judgement if you had have. It’s so hard to leave for good).

So it’s amazing you’ve stayed so strong - that’s a huge achievement and please don’t forget that. Every day you get through is another day you put between your current, free state and your old life in fear. And in very small increments the pain, loss and feelings of affection for him will fade.

Have you read “Women Don’t Owe You Pretty” by Florence Given? That really helped me leave and stay away from my ex and work on how I felt about myself and being single.

Sorry to hear you’re not well - please take good care and do small things for yourself. Some ideas:

1. Candles. Even cheap supermarket ones just add a little cosiness at this dark time of year.
2. Reading (start with my recommendation!)
3. Sticking a podcast on while you’re postering around to make yourself feel less lonely. I’m not sure if it’s your thing but the comedian Joanne McNally’s pod My Therapist Ghosted Me always cheers me up.
4. Having a nice hot shower/bath, moisturising, doing a face or hair mask, fresh pyjamas - making yourself feel and smell good and cosy even if you’re not going out.
5. Good, nourishing food. Not sure if you like cooking but recipe delivery services tend to give you a discount when you first start which can make them very good value for money, even as a one-off treat for a week. I use Mindful Chef as it feels like taking care of myself because it’s healthy and filling.

Sorry if some of those are very obvious but I hope at least one helps!

💐Yay! So pleased you’re ok and safe - though very sorry you have covid. Hoping you feel better very soon. Great advice from the previous poster, can’t add anything better! You’re right about the brain, how it blocks out so many of the bad things, but so glad you’re smart enough to recognise this. Next year will be a great one for you I’m sure, wishing you all the very best. 🍾 🍰 🎁 💝

Great update OP.
So glad you have remained brave and resolute.

Of course it is hard, very hard.

But your heart will heal and you will move forward.

I remember being your age and 30 years on, the years are a blur they went so fast.

6 months from now you will see the enormous value of your bravery.

Your life and future is so precious.
Spending your years with a terrorist would have left you a shell of your former said.

Keep reminding yourself that this short term pain, awful though it is, will bring huge gains to you.

The stories of DV on MN are so awful.
You have undoubtedly avoided this by ending things.

Look up some of the threads if you feel conflicted.
It will remind you of the grief you have avoided.

Sorry to hear about you getting Covid.
It is everywhere.
@Hanooooooo has given excellent advice and suggestions above.

Treat yourself how you would your dearest friend, with great love, compassion and kindness.

This is just one little chapter in your life.
He will be an unpleasant footnote in a few years.
You will be so glad that you took this pain to avoid a lifetime of misery.

He’s horrible. Leave before things get any worse

A bit late here but just wanted to say hello as your original post really struck a chord.

My first love was like this but I was younger so didn’t live together etc, however the behaviour is very familiar.

You’ve done so, so well.

My therapist said something to me after a (different) bad relationship - “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t like you?” - she was right. I didn’t, I don’t.

He pursued me relentlessly and still tries if I join a new social media platform. I block him. He’s married with a baby. They don’t change.

I’m also married with a baby and endlessly grateful that my family isn’t him.

How are you doing @blueblueelectricblue28?

You've already made the decision, haven't you. You know you're not going to marry this awful man.

That was the hard bit. The rest is just a matter of small steady steps.
One at a time. Almost all of them can be "at a distance" to avoid having the same distressing conversation over and over.

Send a cancellation letter or email to all the wedding bookings; quite short and formal . No need to speak to them on the phone or in person.

Tell one trusted person in your family and ask them to inform the rest of your relatives . I'm pretty sure your decision will be greeted with relief, hugs and support.

Your Ex is responsible for telling his family. Not your problem.

If you had already sent out wedding invitations, then use the same list to send a card just stating the engagement between X and Y is over and the wedding won't take place. No need to explain any reasons.

If you haven't sent out the invitations yet, even easier. Just let a couple of friends know you've ended the engagement and ask them to pass it on. Just give some very brief vague explanation like "We have too many differences that can't be resolved. "

Please step away from the other man you mentioned. Messing about with a woman in your circumstances indicates is a red flag indicating he's exactly the type of selfish, manipulative creep you've already picked two of before.

@Hanooooooo thanks for asking! Can't believe anyone actually remembers my thread!
So, nearly three months on, and I'm doing OK - I've been able to stay in our flat and will move out in a month to a houseshare with three lovely women AND A CAT, around the corner which is great. I'm in the process of selling our furniture off and getting rid of things which is both sad and cathartic at the same time.
Contact is very minimal and is only about the flat/closing accounts etc. he is being civil, and I haven't seen him since the day I left, I'm sure I will have to at some point which I'm dreading.
Last week I broke my ankle, just to add to the general shitshow of the situation, but haven't been short on offers to help from friends which has been really heartening.
Some days are good, some days are bad and I just cry and cry but for the most part I am starting to feel brighter.