When to have The Talk

[ToastOnCheese]

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

Oh wow you have had some seriously shitty men cross your path! Well done for keeping your head up after all of that. It sounds like you have been very unlucky and are due for some loveliness to come your way. Wishing it for you.

It’s not you in the slightest and you handled this situation exactly right. With the relationships you’ve been through if anything it’s remarkable that you were so calm and open with him! You sound really lovely, fun, smart and with such a full life! It’s entirely him and his own problems, nothing about you and anyone suggesting otherwise is quite frankly wrong x

OP a few times you've referred to these people you've dated as boys... Is that just a figure of speech?
What sort of age are you? And the males?

Yeah, its a figure of speech! I am mid to late 20s and the men are a similar age. This one in question is 30.

I actually can’t believe he hasn’t even been in touch yet!! Don’t message him again.

@Nedclarity Me neither! Like, is he actually dead? Many many people ghost after say 1-4 dates, but not so many after 3-4 months of very regular dates and contact.

[quote Didimum]@Nedclarity Me neither! Like, is he actually dead? Many many people ghost after say 1-4 dates, but not so many after 3-4 months of very regular dates and contact.[/quote]
Well, he's been stringing her along and has now been asked directly whether he's dating others. He's too cowardly to tell her the truth, so he's ghosted. IMO.

@Didimum RIGHT?! Is he lying lifeless in a ditch somewhere?! I’m so angry and offended on your behalf @ToastOnCheese

@dabbydeedoo I don’t actually think he’s dead but nor do I see evidence, from OP’s descriptions of him stringing her along (others disagree on this of course). Regular, weekly dates, regular contact, he didn’t leave her hanging or cancel dates. Doesn’t sound like stringing along to me. The odds point to ghosting, of course, but man - a bit of strange one to wrap your head round, this one.

I didnt get the stringing along impression either, that's why I'm so baffled by this.

On the Saturday we spent the day in a different country (being super outing here) at his instigation. We met early morning, he met me with my favourite coffee, we went for walks around 2 little towns, out for lunch, out for dinner, for coffee sat by a river, we had a fun time in the park in the dark on the zip wire Walked around a castle grounds and had fun exploring, laughing until we cried. We planned to go to a similar place in December, when it was all Christmassy and cold.

I dont get it at all.

It’s maddening! Some men are so conflict averse. You’re right to describe him as a boy.

You sound fantastic & him… not worthy. Onwards and upwards!

@ToastOnCheese

Is it better to message something like...

I'll take your silence as an answer, what a shame you couldn't be respectful after the fun we've had together.

Or is it better to leave it altogether?

I think you should send that text. People need to be called out on ghosting. It's a reminder (should one be needed) that it's really bloody rude. Well done @ToastOnCheese, you sound like a very thoughtful person.

OP I think you have handled this perfectly. It's been in your own way, not too slow, not too fast.

His reaction is really disappointing and you are entitled to feel annoyed or sad.

You would of also been reasonable to send a further message saying something along the lines of 'surprised I haven't heard from you..etc'

But you do it your way lovely! X

It’s not you. Zero percent of this is on you. People who suggest you’re attracting particularly bad men probably haven’t dated actively, recently in the mid-20s city range. It’s not like men lead with being assholes, they’re successful at it because they’re bloody good at hiding it

The way to broach it is to be straight up and clear
“ hey you know I’ve cancelled all my dating apps, have you?
Are we exclusive? Cheating as far as I’m concerned includes ( *delete as necessary) porn/kissing/sexting

I reckon you should send the message, it really annoys me how men just get off with terrible behaviour easily because women feel they have to try and act all chill about it.

Probably clutching at straws but there’s definitely nothing up (phone broken? In a ditch? Lol) because this is genuinely so baffling. To have absolutely zero sign before ghosting is unusual. There’s normally at least some red flag or something you look back and go “oh that wasn’t right” but it seems like there was nothing?!

Ah OP I know how you feel. I got ghosted after a year. And on Valentine's Day.

The worst part and hardest hit to get over was the not understanding. People kept telling me there was nothing more to understand than that he has showed me who he was. And I get that, and it makes sense now, but it doesn't help much at the time!

You just have to get through it day by day and feel it. But the worst thing you can do is let him know it matters. The silence will probably be killing him.

Have you not thought about just phoning him? You could say something along the lines that you were curious why he never replied to your message? You might get a better sense of his feelings and also have the chance to just verbally walk away and remind him that a reply was called for rather than a rude ignoring!

@Polmuggle
Thats awful, I'm so sorry you went through that.

I couldn't deal with the very strong possibility of me calling him and him not answering!

He does have a risky hobby but the most obvious answer is usually the correct one and it's more likely that he's ghosted me.

Just wanted to thank you all for the advice, support etc, it's been really helpful, I'm very glad I posted!

Op you sound lovely, hoping you come back and update us when you meet someone as equally lovely

Op I've only read your posts and I just wanted to say how well you've handled this.
Honestly if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be.
So much of the misery in relationships would be solved by people maintaining healthy boundaries and sticking to him.
I hope you can look back on the lovely time you had with him and feel happy and confident there is someone out there for you who has the same goals in life.

Hang in there, Mr Right is much nicer than this and won’t let you go! Have a lovely Sunday and spoil yourself a little.

If he can’t even answer that question.. can you imagine how difficult it would be to broach other subjects with him. He clearly finds questions like this uncomfortable.. I didn’t bode well so I’m glad he’s shown his colours so early on and you can go and find someone with higher emotional intelligence! Good luck x x

Thank you all, you're all giving me a much needed confidence boost!

When I sent the message I was 100% sure he'd respond, I had absolutely no doubt about it On the bright side, at least I know I can trust someone again!

I havent gone back on dating apps yet, cant quite face it, but I have a dinner out with someone planned for next week.