When to have The Talk

[ToastOnCheese]

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

What did you do last night?

@bebarkered
We played mini golf.
Im going to an old arcade place with the new new guy tomorrow for our first date... If nothing else I am having fun and making memories!

Brilliant! I might have got confused as I thought you weren't seeing him last night

Hi OP been a while since I checked in! I see we have new guy and ‘new’ new guy lol! I do agree that any change in behaviour when its early days is a slight red flag. If new guy was super into you, he would be messaging and arranging dates etc. But he might have been busy I guess, did he mention anything during the date?

Also, let us know what new new guy is like also!

@Raychelle
Thanks, I agree! I suppose he knew we had the date planned for Tuesday and he is moving house so may have just had a busy/productive day. I'll keep my eye on it definitely and see if it happens again. He messaged first after our date, I absolutely need him to arrange the next date now. I always say this and then end up planning something but this time I'm adamant that I won't!

Will let you know how tonight goes. He seems really sweet, he booked our tickets for the place and offered to pick me up. I said no as I prefer to drive to dates but I thought it was cute to offer!

Had the date with the new new guy last night. Didn't have a bad time but just didn't fancy him, he is so lovely so it's such a shame. I've said I'll see him again, I thought I may as well give it another go in a different environment were we can chat more. There is no anxiety or second guessing with him, he got in contact straight after the date and i believe he's keen, so it's a shame I just dont think the attention is there!

Hi OP, thanks for the updates.

I’m going to call the guys: guy 1 (initial thread guy), guy 2 (new guy) and guy 3 (new new guy).. just for my own memory.

Firstly I think it’s fab that you’re keeping your options open ie not putting all eggs in one basket..

Re guy 3: I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but could the reason you’re not as attracted to him be that he’s into you/available? I realised years ago that whilst I believed I wanted a long term partner I always found fault in the ones that were available. Usually the reasons were ridiculous (like he’s got the wrong haircut type thing). Eventually I realised it was fear.. I read a book about it (can find it and send you the title if you’re interested) and had to admit to myself that I was not at all attracted to available guys even though they were perfectly reasonable candidates for a potential relationship. On the flip side, I had to admit that a huge part of the attraction to the more unavailable guys wasn't their personality/looks etc but the fact they were unavailable. So I consciously made an effort to change that, went on dates with guys where I had less of the initial wow feeling. (My DH was one of the ‘not attracted to’ guys btw - how wrong I was!). Just something to think about.. I also believe in slow burners so I think it’s fab you’re giving guy 3 another chance.

Guy 2: I think it’s not the end of the world he hadn’t been in touch for a couple of days but agree with PPs it’s something to watch. Ie is he genuinely into you and was just very busy and assumed you had the date planned anyway or is he becoming flaky.. And yes, definitely wait for him to make plans/initiate contact, and just don’t be as available. I don’t mean that in a game playing kind of way. Just in a way that you want to love your life/be busy etc and see if he can fit into your life rather than stopping your life for him (which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing but just checking in).

Keep us posted!

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you for your response! This thread really has been invaluable over the last few months.

With regards to guy 3 I totally agree and have thought the same, that's why I've decided to give it another try. Unfortunately, I think i just dont find him physically attractive/appealing and I'm not attracted to his personality in person. If you've found the title of that book then that would be fab! It's interesting hearing what happened with you, I'll definitely see him again, who knows what may happen!

I will give guy 2 the benefit of the doubt, there's only been one day he hasn't been in touch and I had sent a thumbs up in response to his message. He got in touch the next day of his own accord to ask about our date that evening. After the date I left him to message first, which he did. I've been busy too outside of work, I've had lots of fun things planned with friends so I haven't been messaging him much. I am still wary due to his recent break up. If anything, I'd quite like him to go on a few dates with others etc to see that it's pretty rare you meet someone you click with. Im the first person he's dated since his ex (or so he says) so perhaps he thinks it's just this easy! I don't want him being complacent or thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

Have a date with a new new new guy tonight. The devil works hard but I work harder.

I've decided not to see the new new guy again, if just isn't there.

I have plans with the new guy on Friday.

Hey again Op. best of luck with new guy x4! It’s great that you are getting dates and keeping the options open. Sorry guy 3 didnt work out, but I guess if the chemistry isn’t there then he’s probably not the one.

How is the communication going now with guy 2? Does he seem keen again?

If you don’t mind me asking… what dating app do you use? :D

Hi OP,

finally remembered the book. It’s called “he’s scared, she’s scared” - www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
It helped me massively after a very difficult breakup.

Great that you’re dating and keeping your options open. Sounds like guy 3 just wasn’t for you... yay for guy 4 👏🏻👏🏻.

I too am wondering the same as @Raychelle re guy 2, how is that developing?

Ps keep us posted, I’m rooting for you massively

Thanks both!

I use Bumble, I live near a major city so am lucky that it's really busy!

Thank you for the book recommendation, I'll check it out.

Haven't spoken much at all to guy 2, we have plans on Friday, i left him to ask me and arrange things and he did. He messaged me late last night saying he misses me. But hasn't instigated or engaged in any conversation and has taken a fair few hours to respond and messaged at 3 am most nights when he knows I'll be asleep. If I'm honest, I'm no longer feeling it. I think that's why he's said he misses me, they seem to have a sixth sense!

Guy 4... Wow. We've been out twice, first for drinks and then to mini golf, for a meal and then for drinks. He is familiar to me, it's difficult for me to explain. We have date 3 planned. I'm not a gooey person but I like him. He's very different to what I'd usually go for but it all seems very positive. I am keeping myself grounded, its very early days! But I just have a good feeling.

Wow @ToastOnCheese, guy 4 sounds intriguing... I think sometimes guys that are different to a usual type can be keepers sometimes. Explain the familiarity thing a bit more, do you mean like a soulmate type thing? How fab. As long as he treats you well I’d say woohoo 🥳.

Guys 2, I agree they smell it when you’re no longer interested. It’s weird isn’t it? I find the 3am messages off putting. No contact but then messaging at night? Either drunk or booty call or something but probably not long term material. His loss!

Ps thanks so much for updating. Please keep us posted! And I love that you go and play mini golf on dates. I used to do table tennis on dates (often went to a particular bar that had a ping pong table), so much fun!

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thanks!
Guy 4... Not sure how to describe it. I had no interest in meeting him really. We'd messaged a couple of weeks, spoke on the phone and he'd been trying to arrange a date but I just wasn't sure. He wanted to meet me Sunday but I just couldn't be arsed and i met my friends instead, but I agreed to meet him on Monday. I overlooked him but he was always in contact (I ended up ignoring him for 6 days) and very keen. When I met him it just felt right and natural. We ended up meeting the next night also and stayed out until 2 am because time just flew and we couldn't stop talking. He says he feels like he's known me a lot longer and I feel the same. But... guys say a lot of things. He has a 3rd date with someone on Friday and I'm seeing guy 2 then also, so we aren't getting ahead of ourselves. We said we'd just be honest with each other about other dates. He's offered to cancel but I feel that's unfair on his date and its too soon to be exclusive. I dont believe in The One but this guy feels special. Kissing him was amazing (kissing is all we'll be doing for a while, definitely not rushing anything!)

Yeah, the late night messages are just weird from guy 2. He messaged again at midnight last night saying he can't wait to see me, that was the first message since the 3 am I miss you. If he felt that way he could message in the day.

Ooh ping pong is a good idea, I think I'll give that a go!

Oooh guy 4... he sounds lovely

@beastlyslumber
He is! We're going out tonight for food and drinks. He has a professional, good job, he drives, he is steady, he is keen... All the opposite of what I usually seem to go for.

Have a great time on your date! I'm excited for you!

I can't wait to find out how your date went tonight. Guy 4 sounds right up your street 😁 ♥️

@beastlyslumber
@bebarkered
The date was ace, thank you! Before we'd left he'd already asked me on another date for Sunday. Is this what it's like when someone actually likes you?!

Im really not wanting him to go on another date tonight, nor do I want to go on mine. I'm not sure what to do!

That's tricky. I'm tempted to say call him and tell him you wish you were going on a date with him and not this other guy. You obviously can't tell him to cancel his date, though. But you did agree to be honest with each other about your other dates, so maybe you should tell him how you feel.

If you both go on your dates and spend the whole time both wishing you were with each other instead, then maybe the next conversation is, let's not date anyone else but each other. Exclusivity isn't looking so bad now? Maybe you need to make it official and be boyfriend and girlfriend!

@beastlyslumber
Thank you. He brought it up himself, said he wouldn't ask me to cancel mine but he wants to be exclusive and is therefore cancelling his. He asked my view on this, I said that i wanted to cancel also.

I know it's soon but it doesn't feel soon, it feels right. This is not how I would usually do things!

Oh wow! What amazing news. This guy sounds like a keeper 😁😁❤️

I’ve just read all your posts. Have I got this right?

Guy 1 - crap texter, dumped
Guy 2 - crazy golf, 3am texter, not sure
Guy 3 - nice but not fanciable
Guy 4 - three dates so far and you’re keen.

I’m over invested already, and excited for you!!