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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Mumof3confused · 25/01/2022 10:54

Just message and ask what the plans are.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 10:56

@Mumof3confused
Its more the not wanting to get back into a cycle of chasing people and making all of the effort.

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 25/01/2022 11:04

Oh nooooo. That's not good, OP.

I would say, don't message, just wait for him to get in touch with you. If there's no obviously excellent reason for the lack of contact (rushed to hospital/fell off a cliff type reason) then just ditch him.

The reason men don't message (barring the above kind of issues) is that they're not that bothered about you. Maybe he's met someone else he likes or maybe he's just over you. Either way, it's his loss.

Another option is that he is a game player. He's drawn you in with his loveliness and now he feels he has you hooked, he's going to start testing you. How long can he keep ignoring you and you'll stick around? That gives him a lot of information.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter WHY he's done this. The fact is, he's done it, he's ignoring you/avoiding you, and that's not okay. That's not how you deserve to be treated. It's not respectful and it's not kind.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 11:17

@beastlyslumber
Thanks, I totally agree. The ex thing has been in the back of my mind anyway so it's not a huge loss.

I'm just wondering if I am doing something wrong? I'm the common denominator here. I have had some bad luck but things keep going wrong time and time again, it cant all be down to luck. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or advice or even constructive criticism about the way I may be coming across?

I seem to be doing fine in all other aspects of my life except this and would really like to change that.

OP posts:

Gettingonwithit12 · 25/01/2022 11:34

Oh OP sorry to hear that. For what it’s worth, I think you sound lovely! It may be just bad luck. I think I would be tempted to message and ask if tonight is still on, but that’s because I hate the uncertainty- but I’m not having much luck either so I wouldn’t listen to my advice let us know what happens

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 11:51

@Gettingonwithit12
Thanks! Ordinarily I'd message too as like you, I hate any uncertainty, but then he'd probably reply but it wouldn't be because he actually likes me!

I do have another date in the pipeline, just someone I've spoken to for a few days. Maybe it's just a numbers game for me.

OP posts:

Gettingonwithit12 · 25/01/2022 11:59

@ToastOnCheese it’s so difficult isn’t it. I like to know where I stand, but I’m learning that there is no point chasing. I agreed last week to meet someone new this Friday, but we haven’t agreed a time or place yet. On Thursday I bet I’ll be in the same position as you, wondering whether to text and ask what is happening! But I know deep down that if he does want to see me he will be in touch to confirm. I’m trying not to get my hopes up though

Gettingonwithit12 · 25/01/2022 12:00

It’s great that you have another date in the pipeline! Good luck

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 12:21

@Gettingonwithit12
Aww I really hope he gets in touch! But you are right, if he doesn't then that tells you all you need to know and you don't want to be in a position where you are always chasing and planning the dates. I'd leave it personally, easier said than done I know. If you message and prompt him then he may well agree to meet you but you'll never know whether he would have got in touch off his own back.

Think I'm meeting the new guy tonight. Would be a shame to miss out on mini golf after all.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 25/01/2022 12:50

Personally I would text the new guy (not the new,new guy) and do a check in and see if he mentions meeting tonight.

Men don't have to message first all the time.
I know your history has shown that low contact meand low interest but that's not always the case.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 12:58

@SortingItOut
Thanks, I actually sent the last message so not waiting for him to initiate contact. I also initiated the date.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 25/01/2022 13:04

If you initiated the date shouldn't you confirm the time?

It sounded so promising I'd hate for you to miss out on a great guy (if he has a good excuse for not being in contact)

You asked what are you doing wrong?
Absolutely nothing, OLD is a numbers game with the sweet shop mentality for a lot of people so they can cast people aside for whatever reason they like.
I think the new guy was not long out of a longish relationship so he may not want to get tied down too quickly.

Juletide · 25/01/2022 13:31

One day you'll meet someone who'll make it easy, no questioning yourself, no waiting months wondering if he's dating others. Until that happens you're a free agent, put a high value on yourself, no double texting, no asking for time confirmations, no thinking that you have to give them the benefit of the doubt.

If they don't make proper arrangements, you assume there are no arrangements and act accordingly. This attitude has worked well for several women I know, it really is a numbers game I'm afraid. Good luck.

myothercarisaskoda · 25/01/2022 13:41

Could he have sensed that you were chatting to others (as you'd already organised another date) and thought you weren't bothered?

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 14:22

Well, he's been in touch asking if I know where I want to go tonight.

Do I go? He's been quite good so far and my last message to him was a thumbs up so potentially im writing him off too early.

We are still talking on the dating app (I do have his number also) so assume he's talking to other people, as am I.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 25/01/2022 14:26

I would go, communication in the early stages is hard to get right. I think a day or 2 between contact is ok but what is not ok is huge gaps and then crap excuses for why they haven't been in contact.

The issue you had before was you had been together a lot longer than you and the current guy.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 14:34

@SortingItOut
Thank you, it is really difficult getting it right. I want to be boundaried but not so boundaried that I cut off my nose to spite my face!

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 25/01/2022 14:41

Definitely go, if you like him and would like to see him again.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 14:54

@Mumof3confused
Thank you, I'll go. It seems a no brainer, I'm just so worried I'll end up in another situation like the guy I started the thread about.

OP posts:

Juletide · 25/01/2022 14:59

He gets another chance OP, but only just!

Did you actually arrange to see the new, new guy tonight?

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 15:06

@Juletide

Hope this doesn't make me seem like a horrible person but I said I may be free tonight depending on hearing back from a friend. I've now cancelled and we are meeting on Thursday instead.

OP posts:

Athenajm80 · 25/01/2022 16:15

From reading your thread (and I have just read the whole thing in one go), I don't think it's you. The sweetshop analogy someone to send sounds more like the case. With SM and OLD, people (mainly men) have more options, or at least think they do, so find it harder to be happy with what they have. Men like this remind me of small children, happily playing with their favourite toy, then someone else has something and the child doesn't want the toy now, they want the new shiny thing. Does that make sense? Not that I am calling you or anyone else a toy!

It's a bit pathetic really, and any men who do act like this are totally not worth it. I know that doesn't make it easier, it still hurts and disappoints when yet another guy turns out to be a twat. I'm sure there are good ones left out there, and you seem to have a great way of looking at it all.

Somebody on another thread (possibly the one about the friend's boyfriend who said he was SAS or something) said about a FB page where women who are OLD can warn each other about the weirdos and players. Not sure what it's called, but I think if I was on the apps, I would want to join that page

Juletide · 25/01/2022 16:59

Not horrible at all OP, just beating them at their own game.

Until someone comes along who makes the game irrelevant.

Have a nice evening.

beastlyslumber · 25/01/2022 17:16

I don't think it's you, OP. I do think it's a numbers game. I think it's hard to meet a nice man on an app - for many, it's more like a real life video game than a way to meet someone for a relationship. And there's very little incentive to stick with getting to know someone if you think the next one might be better, or the one after that...

I dunno, I would be very wary after he wasn't in contact for a couple of days (not because he has to be in constant contact but because it was a change and you were aware that it felt different). I agree with people saying it's early days, but that can go the other way too. It's early days, so why would you want to give someone the impression you're not into them? I'd advise lots of caution. That's a red flag imo.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 26/01/2022 13:01

Thanks all. I had a fun night! Will see how it goes. I'm trying to get the balance between wary but interested!

I have a date with the new new guy tomorrow.

OP posts:

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