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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
beastlyslumber · 12/01/2022 16:40

Aw yay! That's great. Put the last one down to experience - even though it wasn't a great time, you've obviously learned from it and now you have indeed met someone who sounds lovely and thinks you're lovely... Lovely!

Whatissleep79 · 12/01/2022 19:38

I learnt a lot about what I did and didn’t value in the relationship before I met dh. If I’d met dh years before this, I probably would have taken him for granted. This might be the one for you , good luck op !

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/01/2022 02:20

Just back to ask a question....

Things are going well with the new guy, obviously very early days but so far I can't fault him.

Would it bother you if you were dating someone who had recently broken up with a long term partner?
He has not mentioned his ex at all but from SM it seems they split up around October time. They were rogether 6 years. I dont know anything about their relationship or why they broke up, nor would I expect to at this stage.

Would everyone be okay with this? It's the one and only thing that is bothering me. He's mentioned he was new to dating following a long term break up but that's all.

OP posts:
Whatissleep79 · 16/01/2022 06:57

Hiya op, glad it’s going well ! Do you know who broke up? Was it him or her?

SortingItOut · 16/01/2022 07:46

I'd he wary of someone who had just broken up with a long term partner, there are a few issues with this, usually if its quick they've not dealt with any issues that may have occurred during the relationship, they may not have sorted joint assets and sometimes that can get messy, online dating can be very 'kid in sweet shop' so often people want to play the field so meeting someone so early on clashes with that and after a short while they want the freedom to continue with getting more from the sweet shop. Plus being very newly split is the time when couples rekindle because they realise ending things was the wrong decision.

Of course it could be that they hadn't had a true relationship for a while and either of them may have checked out along while ago but not had the courage to end things.

Hopefully a conversation will happen organically soon and he will tell you why his last relationship ended.

Didimum · 16/01/2022 08:25

There is no right or wrong answer for this. You can only go on his actions. I wouldn’t start theorising on what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Where will it get you? If fifty Mumsnetters say ‘run, you’re a rebound’, then what? If will only make you worry. If another fifty say ‘no, it’s fine’ then you may be more likely to dismiss shady behaviour if it should arise. Just take it slow and see what happens.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/01/2022 08:47

Thanks all.

I resonate with the kid in a sweet shop mentality, I told him that I wish he'd have dated around a little more before meeting me, so he can see how difficult OLD is and therefore appreciate me more Grin

Honestly, I cannot fault him. He has made a massive effort so far.

Asset wise, he's still in the flat that they shared and he is moving to a new flat in 2 weeks... It seems to all be sorted that end.

I don't know who ended it with who. I can definitely speak to him though so I'll just ask him, I suppose if she ended it then I should worry...

@Didimum
Thats very true! I will definitely take it slow and just thinking about his actions I have no concerns at all.

OP posts:
thechocolatefrog · 16/01/2022 15:43

@ToastOnCheese

I really don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if it was her who broke up with him either. People break up for so many different reasons - not always toxic! Obviously if it is due to something like him cheating etc. then it's a different story. If you have good feelings about the relationship so far, I'd always think positive!

Good luck 🤍

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/01/2022 17:11

@thechocolatefrog
Thanks! I really dont get the impression he cheated. They still have the posts up on SM, that makes me think it wasn't a dramatic break-up? But could be wrong. He spoke about her really nicely on SM, I know that doesn't mean anything, but it was lovely to see!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/01/2022 18:10

I think you will just have to ask him about it. Maybe you could ask him what he think went wrong with his last relationship and what he's learned from it. His responses will give you a lot of information about the kind of person he is, I should think.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/01/2022 18:49

@beastlyslumber
Im seeing him tomorrow so shall ask him then! We do text quite a bit but I've learned not to ask "serious" questions over message Wink Thank you.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/01/2022 19:33

Definitely better to ask in person - you'll learn more from a relaxed conversation and be able to pick up on any red flags much more easily. He seems nice and you like him, so signs are good - but go in knowing what you don't want to hear and decide what you'll do. E.g. if he doesn't take any responsibility/blames his ex/calls her names, I'll end it with him. Whatever your boundaries are. Hopefully you won't have to worry, but don't hang on to someone if they're not the kind of person you would choose to be with had you known this from the start.

PippaRose · 16/01/2022 20:03

Not necessarily a bad thing. My husbands fiancee broke up with him 9 months before we met and it was all good.

Guess it depends on the circumstances but he’ll know if he’s ready to move on.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 18/01/2022 21:54

Let us know how you get on OP. I agree that talking to him is the best thing. And I agree with a PP that you’ll learn a lot about him by hearing him talk about his ex - if he’s nasty, blames her completely etc that would be a red flag.. good luck and keep us posted

Notanotherchange · 19/01/2022 11:11

I dont think 3 months is too soon. Just ask. Have an open conversation about expectations, better to know.

Juletide · 19/01/2022 11:36

You ok OP?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/01/2022 13:28

@Juletide
All good thank you! Things are going really well with the new guy, I didnt want to keep boring people by updating!

He cooked a lovely meal for me, the last guy was a literal chef and he never once even offered to cook for me! He is definitely making more effort and he's great at communicating. It's definitely still fun much more "coupley"!

OP posts:
Juletide · 19/01/2022 13:50

Such nice news OP, love an update. Smile

ValerieCupcake · 19/01/2022 14:00

@Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino

I suppose it depends how much you’ve talked and met up during those 3 months, but it seems reasonable to have that talk.

I wouldn’t overthink it because ultimately he’s either on the same page and worth pursuing or he’s not. If he’s not, find out now so you can move on. I’d say it’s been 3 months and I think we’re getting on well and don’t want to keep my options open. I just wondered whether you’re continuing to date others or how you’re feeling.

I agree. I wasted time so many times hoping they would change and see me as the perfect partner. Really I should have moved on and found someone more suitable. Then though on line dating was not a thing. Nobody dated others. If they did they got dumped.
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/01/2022 14:25

@Notanotherchange
@ValerieCupcake
Thanks both, I ended it with the person I started the thread about because we hadn't progressed in 5 months and he was always full of excuses. I'm now dating someone new. Smile

OP posts:
ValerieCupcake · 19/01/2022 16:12

[quote ToastOnCheese]@Notanotherchange
@ValerieCupcake
Thanks both, I ended it with the person I started the thread about because we hadn't progressed in 5 months and he was always full of excuses. I'm now dating someone new. Smile[/quote]
Good for you, I didn't see it was an old thread!

beastlyslumber · 19/01/2022 19:02

It's not old, it's just ongoing! OP now has to provide regular updates from her love life, at least until we get to page 40...

Glad it's going well OP! Did you ask him about his ex?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/01/2022 18:41

@beastlyslumber
Grin
We mentioned it briefly, he said that they lived together for 5.5 years, I didnt ask who initiated the split, he sort of said that they just grew apart. He is very lovely about her and absolutely didn't blame her or name call. He hasn't mentioned her apart from that conversation.

So far, he seems nice. He is consistent, we are in touch everyday (not constantly) We are going playing mini golf on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to seeing him.

Im trying to be more "me." With the last guy I did not show any hint of feelings, in fact I hid everything so much and that undoubtedly impacted our ability to communicate and connect. I'm trying to be more open with the new guy, for example I told him I'm looking forward to seeing him, something I would never usually do, but it is true and I am. I think I need to show some emotions in order for anything to ever progress, with any man!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/01/2022 20:24

He sounds lovely, OP, and the conversation you had sounds appropriate for the stage you're at, so that's good! And yes, you being open about your feelings is wonderful. I'm really happy for you! I hope things keep going well.

Keep us updated on any developments Grin

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 25/01/2022 10:49

@beastlyslumber
Ah, not the update I wanted but I'm pretty sure he's disappeared. We have spoken everyday but he hasn't been in touch since the day before yesterday. I dont want a repeat of the last one where I'm sat about waiting for someone to get in touch (we didn't arrange a time to meet tonight) but also don't want to act dramatically based on previous experiences. I dont need daily contact, however its the change in his communication that has worried me.

What should I do? Make other plans and assume it isn't on? Message him to ask? Wait to see if he gets in touch?

OP posts: