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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 14:12

But he did love bomb you. He charmed you and won you over in the beginning, then held you at a distance. Pulled you in, pushed you away, over and over. That's manipulation. He has manipulated you and used fantasies (the fantasy that this is a relationship). He has clearly lied to you, possibly quite extensively.

I don't recognise the "disconnect" you describe in narcissists. They actually do very well with "connect" - that's how they attract people. They make you feel that you are understood, on the same wavelength, that you've rarely met someone who gets you like they do. Look at how you spoke about this man in the beginning. Remember I listed all those red flags - I thought he was a narcissist then because of how you spoke about him compared with his actual actions, and how you said you felt about him/with him versus the fact that you were unable to speak openly to him.

And then, speaking of "disconnect" hasn't the issue been from the start that he would not connect with you? And now, he has literally disconnected from you mid-conversation?

Maybe he's not a narcissist (though they are not all grandiose or outwardly egotistical.) I'd say it's more than just lacking 'emotional intelligence' though. There was cruelty in the way he kept you waiting for his response to your message about not seeing other people. There was a lot of coldness in how he treated you. A lot of messing with your emotions and manipulating you.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 14:22

@beastlyslumber
I suppose I dont really see it as love bomby and charming because he's always kept me at arms length and we've never had much contact or intimacy. His contact hadn't changed really (though it has over the Christmas and NY period) From the day we matched on the app it would be meet, days of not talking, 2 texts, days of not talking, meet etc. He hasn't promised me any future or given me loads of contact and then disappeared, it's always followed the same stilted pattern.

My ex had bought a house in my town within 3 months of knowing me, maybe my threshold for love bombing is off.

With the disconnect I mean when my exs mask slipped there was nothing behind his eyes... He would be charming again moments later, but in those brief moments there was a helplessness, there was a numbness and there was just nothing "there." In those moments I remember saying "where are you? Come back!" Because it was like two different people.

I suppose I dont know the extent of the lies so its hard to say. I definitely see what you're saying and I may well be wrong, not everyone presents in the same way!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 14:36

You didn't need as much love bombing since from the start you accepted a small amount of contact/effort in return for giving him what he wanted (obviously you were thinking it would increase over time, but he was thinking, great, I don't need to do anything much to keep her interested.)

He probably has a main relationship so you were his back up, anyway. If he decided he needed you, he would have ramped up the contact.

And you weren't with him enough to see his mask slip. It was easy for him to maintain a pretence with you because he rarely saw you. His mask slipped with the texting, though. But he got away with it because you couldn't see him.

But of course I might well be wrong about all that... I have definitely built up a picture of this man in my mind and if you found out that everything he ever told you about himself was a lie, I wouldn't be surprised! In my mind he is basically a lying manipulative arsehole of a narcissist! But maybe I've taken it too far...

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 14:43

@beastlyslumber
You've definitely spoken a lot of truth there! I did accept the sparodic contact (as like you said I always thought it would increase when things got more serious) and I wasnt with him enough to see the real him.

My question is, why? Why did he need/want me? It wasn't like we had much sex (which he may have wanted if he does indeed have a girlfriend who lives in a different country) I wonder what he got from me, I didnt give him anything!

OP posts:
Dozer · 02/01/2022 14:48

Company, ego boosts, sex.

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 15:01

Attention. That's all they ever want from anyone. You liked him. You thought he was funny, sweet etc. You wanted to spend time with him. He also liked to know that you were hanging on for days on end, wondering when he was going to respond to your message. All good ego boosts for him. He maybe thought that you'd be good to have on the back burner, so to speak. He may have another person or persons on the go so you're just somewhere in the mix, rather than his primary supply.

Also, if he's a narcissist, he may well not be that much into sex. He probably did it a couple of times just to get you bonded to him, but it's not his thing. Apparently many narcissists are like that. They don't enjoy being 'intimate' with others and aren't that driven by sex itself, only the power it gives them over others. Lots of stories about narcissists withholding sex from their partners, which can be a very cruel form of rejection.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 15:21

Ugh, true. I feel shit today, more just the not knowing.

Is it better to send a text saying im done with this etc or to just leave it?

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 02/01/2022 15:28

@ToastOnCheese

Ugh, true. I feel shit today, more just the not knowing.

Is it better to send a text saying im done with this etc or to just leave it?

I've been reading for a while now @ToastOnCheese - really feel for you here, but have to ask - why are you NOT texting him to just tell him it's over?

I can't help but think that by leaving it like this, and leaving him able to get in touch with you, and knowing that the pattern is that he will eventually make contact, you are continuing to give him the power and leaving him ultimately still in control. I don't think he has any real idea that he has caused this shift in feeling from you, does he? Your last texts were still full of laughing emoji, as though you too think the whole thing is a bit lighthearted.

I know it's hard but I think in order to feel better you are going to have to actually say that you're done - either by sending a text and saying I'm out of here, or simply by blocking.

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 15:29

I would say just leave it, unless you are really clear that you could send a 'final' text and not want any kind of response.

If any part of you is secretly hoping that a final text will get a response back from him, then don't send it.

You probably would get a response, but all it would do is further upset and confuse you, and prolong the moment before you finally, finally have to end it.

Make a clean break from him. He hasn't brought anything good to your life. Losing him is no loss. Once you make that mental break, it will be so much easier and you'll be over him in no time. I am in favour of a short ritual to make it real. Light a candle, say a prayer, block his number... whatever works!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 15:33

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
I guess I havent messaged because I presume that he already thinks its over or wants it to be over. But I know what you're saying, he doesn't know what I've been thinking. I've sent him 3 messages now, not sure I can send a 4th!

@beastlyslumber
Thank you so much for all of your comments and help. If I send a text it would be without any explanation of a response. I'll have a think about it. Thanks again, you've been so lovely and helped me see things from a different perspective!

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 02/01/2022 15:43

But if it's over, what difference does it make if you send 3, 4 or 100? Only if you care what he thinks.

I really think you need to forget about what he thinks and act decisively and end this misery. Whether that's blocking without sending a message, or sending a message then blocking - at the moment you have effectively left things as they were. You have raised your concerns but not said anything of note to his absolutely pathetic response. You've continued in the same pattern and tried to make it look like you don't have any. need and as though how you feel doesn't matter. I think I would want to say something like 'I have tried to articulate to you that this is not how I think grown ups communicate in burgeoning relationships. It seems to have fallen on deaf ears for whatever reason, but this pattern of communication simply does not work for me. Take care and good luck.' BLOCK.

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 15:44

No worries, OP! Thank you for sharing your experience on here.

Since you've already sent three texts, for the sake of your dignity, I wouldn't send another.

What I might do is wait until he messages you again (I expect he will, at some point) and then say, "Oh I'm so sorry! I'm definitely not interested in seeing you again. Thought that would have gone without saying." And then block him straightaway before he can reply.

But that would be purely for the purpose of your own amusement and satisfaction. If you want to simply be done and over with him, just block him now.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 17:32

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Thanks. You're right in that it doesn't matter at this point how many texts I send. I will probably send similar to what you've said there sometime tomorrow.

@beastlyslumber
True, one of the messages was in response to his, the other two were "extras." I'll see what I want to do tomorrow.

Im curious to see if he messages.

OP posts:
PippaRose · 02/01/2022 17:43

Been catching up it does sound like he could have a girlfriend in the other country. The 2 phones plus lack of contact over Christmas.

Like the others say it’s unlikely that you are going to find out the answers but you know in time this will all be a distant memory.

PippaRose · 02/01/2022 17:43

He will message they always do!

Raychelle · 02/01/2022 17:44

Hi @ToastOnCheese one last thing you can check if you are still curious. Do you have his foreign number? If so, you or your friend could add that to your WhatsApp and see if he’s chatting on that number instead, could mean he is talking to his girlfriend back where he used to live.

It’s certainly strange that he vanished mid chat, and it does indicate there’s a reason why, most likely being a partner.

He will 100% text again, he’s obviously got no shame. You can tell him where to go with his half arsed efforts.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 17:57

@PippaRose
It sure is sounding that way! Even if that's the case, I dont know why he hasn't replied in now 3 days. Maybe she's got covid too and is isolating with him Grin

@Raychelle
I dont have his other number unfortunately. I really wanted to find his SM as that may give me some answers, but there is just no sign of him anywhere and I've tried everything Sad

OP posts:
Raychelle · 02/01/2022 18:02

I actually cant wait for his latest excuse! Unless of course you block which would be totally and completely understandable.

Me personally, I’d see what the clown comes up with then take pleasure in saying you simply don’t believe him and wont be strung along any more and that you are done.

bebarkered · 02/01/2022 18:07

I wouldn't block him. I wouldn't text him. I'd ring him. Now! If it's a second phone it could be switched off. Be worth ringing him to check one thing alone?!

myothercarisaskoda · 02/01/2022 18:07

Maybe you can't find him because you personally can't, because he's made sure that you're blocked? Have your friends tried from their phones?

I think you need closure. Just tell him it's over if you don't want to see him again.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 18:16

@Raychelle
I won't block him, if for no other reason than you lost deserve to have another laugh at what the dumb fucker comes up with next Grin

@bebarkered
Its not switched off, I sent a WhatsApp a few hours ago and it went through. Ringing him seems intrusive if he is ignoring me, I'd rather not go through the humiliation of that Blush

@myothercarisaskoda
Yeah, 3 friends have tried on 3 different phones, he doesn't know their names to block them. He's one elusive creature alright!

OP posts:
bebarkered · 02/01/2022 18:23

Can't believe it's switched on (in view of his bad behaviour). He's got no shame!

bongobingo43 · 02/01/2022 18:29

Can you get a friend to call his phone, hopefully get his voicemail and hear his surname?

OnTheSafeSide · 02/01/2022 18:38

Oh great, I can't wait for his next message too, thanks for thinking of us all!! Grin

I am definitely one for closure though, so would def send a final hurrah in response to his next BS msg and THEN completely and utterly block him.

bebarkered · 02/01/2022 18:39

bongobingo43
His phone isn't switched off, OP said her friends have already tried ringing him