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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
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5
PointyMcguire · 02/01/2022 00:27

@ToastOnCheese damnit he really is a slippery bugger! Have you tried his address? If he’s living with a family member you might be able to find him through their social media perhaps.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 00:30

@PointyMcguire
Tried the address in the hope to find his surname, the family member whose house it was has now passed away. I couldn't find anything there at all.

Don't think I said the hobby but you're along the right lines Grin

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PointyMcguire · 02/01/2022 00:36

@ToastOnCheese ah I think as it’s MN I just assumed that was the hobby Grin

Hmm do you know the company he works for? You could maybe look to see if they have a staff directory/meet the team page depending on his role.

Philly1234 · 02/01/2022 00:37

Then finally, the last level of online ‘research’ is to look up hashtags of the places he goes to and be prepared to trawl a bit…

Or…

You try to let go of this guy. It’s really hard to close the file when you don’t have all the answers. But letting go will free you up for new opportunities….

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 00:38

@PointyMcguire
And you wouldn't be wrong Wink

I've checked that and checked the works insta and FB for followers, likes etc. I've gone full CSI and still nothing!

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Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 00:41

@Philly1234
I cant imagine he's a hashtagger but I've checked the followers and likes of places he goes to and places we've been etc.

Im going to give myself tonight to marinate (Grin) and overthink and overanalyse and then try to let it all go tomorrow!

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Evian57 · 02/01/2022 00:43

@ToastOnCheese you mentioned you have been to his work, do they not have any social media pages? I think it’s the fact he disappeared on you during your last conversation that makes me think there could be someone else. My friend was seeing a guy who did exactly this…he didn’t contact her often, disappeared mid conversation sometimes and it turned out he was still seeing his ex on and off.

PointyMcguire · 02/01/2022 00:44

@ToastOnCheese I’m out of ideas but DH has asked does he have a car? Apparently if you know his reg number (yes I laughed too but DH said you might have a photo of said car) you should be able to check the registered owner.

Philly1234 · 02/01/2022 00:46

He might not be a hashtagger but his mates might be xx I don’t think you’ve heard the last of this slippery fish xx sleep well xx

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 00:51

@Evian57
I've tried his works social media pages, no luck. Oh I'm sorry for your friend. It seems likely that this is what's happening here, especially with it being over Christmas and New Year. I dont see why he want have got a moment to message me but who knows!

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Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 00:54

@PointyMcguire
Haha I love that idea but no, no car unfortunately! Also smiling at me knowing his reg plate, if he did have one Grin

@Philly1234
True! I dont have insta so don't know how hashtags work but I'll get my friends to have a look. Thank you, you too! X

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scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 00:55

Christ,I’m sorry he’s been such a dick, but I couldn’t deal with him. You deserve better.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 01:00

@scorpiogirly
Thanks, I absolutely couldn't deal with him anymore either, I think I deserve a medal for going this long!

Its definitely over, I just want to figure out what was going on but I know I'll never be able to do that.

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scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 01:02

I don’t blame you for wanting to know what the hell was/is going on. I am going through something similar and trying to work out what happened and trying to make sense of it somehow.

His level of contact is frankly weird. I don’t think we will ever get the answers we need.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 01:06

@scorpiogirly
Im sorry you're going through similar, I hope you get the answers you need but as you said, you probably won't, unfortunately. That's the most frustrating part, the lack of control over the situation.

I think when you move on the need for answers dissipates.

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scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 01:08

I have gone no contact, day 5 now. It has helped. I would do the same and not bother replying when he contacts you.

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 02/01/2022 01:10

Yes. Move on. Havint ended up married to someone like this 🤦🏻‍♀️ I can tell you that you will never get the answers you need. Don't waste any more headspace on it. He is an idiot, and only heartbreak lies that way. Move on in a different direction. Well done for holding your head high @ToastOnCheese

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 09:30

I understand looking for answers OP but I think it's probably pointless. He is not a 'normal' person. He's a narcissist and the lies and fakes and cover-ups is just what they do. You might not even know his real name. Nothing about him is real, as far as you know. Literally all just lies.

The lack of sex is not a guilt thing. It's a narcissist thing. They often aren't that into sex but they use it as a way to bond you to them. (They also use the denial of sex to abuse you.)

I know it's shocking when you realise that you have been dealing with a completely fake person. At least you've realised now before it's gone too far. But please give up on the idea of confronting him or getting answers from him. The only thing you can do with someone like this is get as far away as possible.

bettytaghetti · 02/01/2022 10:08

If his hobby is cycling, he's more than likely on Strava. If you have his number still in your contacts and join Strava and use the look for friends to follow option, it might show him.

PointyMcguire · 02/01/2022 11:15

@bettytaghetti

If his hobby is cycling, he's more than likely on Strava. If you have his number still in your contacts and join Strava and use the look for friends to follow option, it might show him.
Ooh good shout!
OnTheSafeSide · 02/01/2022 11:23

Awww OP yes that makes sense if he has 2 phones and potentially another life elsewhere - explains why he could be so open about you if the people here do not really know his situation. What a pr*k. Are you blocking him or waiting to see if he tries to come creeping back again so you can send him packing?
I suspect he may not be in touch again as realises you are starting to wonder about him and things are getting a bit messy. But if he does get in touch, pls do not hold back. So sorry, onwards and upwards!!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 12:21

Thanks, I've tried Strava.
Honestly, I've tried everything I'm sure!

Pretty sure he isnt a narcissist, he's just a giant nob Grin

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smugsparkle · 02/01/2022 13:16

have you checked the dating apps to see if he's back on there?

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2022 13:33

Why do you think he's not a narcissist? He has behaved like a textbook one.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 02/01/2022 13:50

@smugsparkle
I haven't checked the apps. He lives in a major city about 20 miles away, even if I narrowed it down by age etc I'd still be swiping forever!

@beastlyslumber
I would class my ex as a narcissist and I've worked with people with narcissistic tendencies as part of my job, I just think this ones a twat. He's not grandiose, he doesn't need praise or admiration, he genuinely couldnt care less about how he dresses, how he comes across, how people view him etc. There's no sense of entitlement, he's not particularly charming, no manipulation, no fantasies. There was no love bombing, he doesn't talk about himself, he has friends and seems to keep them, he keeps his jobs, no grand gestures. Imo he lacks emotional intelligence and is also a dickhead. He hasn't got that "numbness" and disconnect that you see in people with narcissistic personality disorder.

As always, I'm happy to say I could be wrong!

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