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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Evian57 · 30/12/2021 14:53

@ToastOnCheese I know it’s easier said than done when you like someone. But I would just send that message now. Why wait for him to reply first? You seem to have spent the majority of your time together just waiting. Send the message now so you can start the new year not being stuck in this situation.

myothercarisaskoda · 30/12/2021 16:17

Stop waiting for him to respond!

LittleWins · 30/12/2021 16:18

What’s making you wait to send it OP? You sound so lovely but you’re giving him far too much power when he’s not giving you any time. You deserve so so so much better. Go get it!

ovenered · 30/12/2021 17:12

I'm another who attracted men like this throughout my twenties. I dealt with it so badly - I learned to wait patiently for the slightest crumb. The worst 'skill' to have. Please don't be like me. I wasted so much time when I could have been happy and having fun. I don't think they were bad people, in the main, but we were mismatched in our expectations of communication.

NynaeveSedai · 30/12/2021 17:40

How are you more than friends if you don't have sex?
I'm sorry but that's unusual and usually I would say that sex moves the relationship and the intimacy forwards. It seems like you've been in an early dating pattern for 5 months.

Raychelle · 30/12/2021 18:40

@ToastOnCheese please don’t apologies to us! This guy is the ultimate head fuck with his excuses etc. He is playing that perfect game, however without the sex I am not 100% sure what he is getting from it to be honest.

I would literally just say what you need to say, just say you don’t seem to be progressing as you would expect in the relationship , and you we’re not looking for a friend, so you wish him well. I wouldn’t block, id see how he responds. If he’s like “ok I think its for the best” then you know he’s just not that into you!

Keep us posted

bebarkered · 31/12/2021 12:31

Have you decided if you will be meeting up with him? With him saying on his recent mess "what about the next few days"

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 31/12/2021 13:05

We had a very small chat last night but then he hasn't replied, surprise surprise. He has Covid (I do have proof of this Grin) so hes potentially asleep.
Im now very glad he disappeared haha.

I will put up the screenshots.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 31/12/2021 17:34

First one.

When to have The Talk
OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 31/12/2021 17:34

Second. No response...

When to have The Talk
OP posts:
Boombangboom · 31/12/2021 18:04

When did he stop replying?

Some thoughts

  1. why would he stop replying in the middle of an important conversation where you’re questioning this relationship (if he really cared)
  2. This conversation should be a phone call
  3. is it the best time to talk about all this when he had covid and might not feel too well?
Evian57 · 31/12/2021 18:10

@ToastOnCheese reading those messages he’s either not that bothered or this is just how he is. I think either way, it will always be a never ending cycle of frustration with this man. Are neither of you living somewhere where the other one can stay over?

RedLipClass · 31/12/2021 18:17

I've been reading your thread, quietly rooting for you, OP. I'm a similar age to you and I can see why you keep hanging on. Even over the texts you've posted he seems to have a sort of boyish charm and he does come across as quite sincere.

I have a feeling that he's just very very laid back and happy to go with flow. Maybe a bit lazy?And I think that's what he meant by he 'carries on', he's more likely to just go with a situation even if there are things that could be better rather than take the initiative to take control and make a change. Although, I do think his reasoning for not contacting you is crap - unless you have zero social media he could have got a message to you via fb, Instagram, Twitter or whatever to say his phone was broken. If he has no social media he could have got a friend to look you up and send you a quick heads up. Ie. X's phone is broken, he says he will be in touch when it's sorted. Him not doing that could be another indicator of laziness.

I had a boyfriend who did the whole bread crumbing thing and he would not reply to texts, wouldn't contact me in between meetings and it just felt like he would leave me and forget all about me until it was time to see me again. So a lot of this thread does resonate with me, but a big difference between my ex and your guy is how he responds to you bringing things up. If I came to my ex saying I was unsatisfied with his behaviour or the relationship in any way, no matter how nice I said it he would fly into a fit of rage and make me out to be a horrible psycho who just didn't understand him. Your guy seems open to what you're saying and open to making a change.

So basically I don't think he is maliciously stringing you along. But that doesn't mean you should carry on with things either. Maybe a guy so laid back he's basically horizontal just isn't for you. It's not for me, I like to know where I stand, know plans in advance, know that my boyfriend will definitely contact me in between dates etc. I'm not an extremely go with the flow kinda gal so an extremely go with the flow kinda guy just doesn't work for me. And you might be a bit like me.

Have a good think about what you really want from a relationship. If this guy is only going to make you feel anxious, upset, on edge, unsatisfied etc then end things and move on. There are guys out there who will be a better fit for you and your needs.

Juletide · 31/12/2021 18:33

Slippery sod, ain't he?

Raychelle · 31/12/2021 18:51

Hi Toast, thanks for the update. My concern would be he doesn’t seem to understand the “progression’ statement, so either he doesn’t see a relationship with something that has a natural progression (some men don’t) or he doesn’t desire it.

He seems to just be running with whatever the current agenda is, so with that in mind, why not try and set a few ground rules and say you expect better contact in order to build the relationship. See how he feels about that.

beastlyslumber · 31/12/2021 19:24

He just stopped texting there? wtf. I do not like the cut of this man's jib. Nope. He's not right. He's messing you around or he just doesn't care or both. Or, you know, his other phone started pinging so he dropped you to pay attention to her.

His messages are slippery and slimy.

He's not interested in you. He might be interested in playing a little game with you. But he's not interested in you.

Run a mile.

Catcrazy83 · 31/12/2021 20:22

I don’t understand why you’re putting laughing emoji into that convo, he’s a dick, he needs to know you think he’s a dock and how he’s behaving is unacceptable. Don’t sell yourself short OP

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/12/2021 21:37

What has been the reason you've not had sex if you don't mind me asking?
He doesn't seem that keen in more than just a casual friendship thing

GiveOverIrene · 31/12/2021 21:44

Is English his first language? His responses are really awkward "I did intend to get a solution" and "that's what I was thinking along also." Either way, you're wasting your time with this man.

ProudThrilledHappy · 31/12/2021 22:08

Oh OP this guy really is just dragging you out as long as he can. It’s been said on here so many times, when a man likes you he will leave you in no doubt of it. Please stop wasting your energy on him and give yourself a clean start in 2022

dopple · 31/12/2021 22:22

He's pretending to not understand you to avoid the subject and now he's disappeared on you, leave it be, move on and date someone else.

HeatingOnHeatingOff · 31/12/2021 23:33

You can do so much better than this

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 31/12/2021 23:41

I know. I feel so shite tonight, I really hoped we could have got this solved one way or the other before new year.

I messaged again trying to continue the conversation, no response, obviously. He'll reply in a few days with some bullshit excuse about him being unwell. It's so obvious.

Anyway, I'm done now. I do deserve better. I'll get over him.

Thank you so much for all of your support over the past 2 months, you've all been ace and made me feel so much better.

Im sure one day I will meet the right person, I am so excited for that day!

OP posts:
Juletide · 01/01/2022 00:27

Happy new year OP, onwards and upwards. Wine

bebarkered · 01/01/2022 00:35

The man's two slates short of a roof missing out on you!
Here's wishing you a VERY Happy New Year X

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