Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
PippaRose · 29/12/2021 21:50

What question is he talking about?
I don’t know if it’s about whether you believe him but about whether he’s making you happy and he doesn’t seem to be

Didimum · 29/12/2021 21:55

You can, most likely, still use your phone when the screen is cracked. Rare it gets cracked beyond use. I dunno. Was shocked, however, to read you’d only had sex twice since meeting. Not that sex is everything, but … isn’t this meant to be the honeymoon phase?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 29/12/2021 21:59

@Didimum
I agree with regards to the sex... Its very odd. There are a few social circumstances that do influence this though.

@PippaRose
The question he was referring to was me asking about sex Grin

OP posts:
PippaRose · 29/12/2021 22:09

Haha good to see your broached it!

Then again as didimum said above I was surprised about the sex comment, it is usually the honeymoon stage!

Evian57 · 29/12/2021 23:18

@ToastOnCheese Im sorry but I don’t believe him. You sound lovely and I’m not sure why you are hanging on in there for this guy. You have had sex twice in 5 months? He barely messages you. You aren’t progressing. You haven’t seen him over Xmas. These are not the actions of a man interested in a proper relationship. If you ask yourself honestly, what are you getting out of this? Other than wondering when he will be in contact with you next? He’s disappeared since Xmas day, 4 days ago and that’s his message to you? It sounds like a message to a mate. From what you have said I really don’t see this going anywhere, he’s setting the bar so so low.

Didimum · 29/12/2021 23:32

As I’ve said before on this thread, this guy’s texting style very much reminds me of my husband when we were first dating. He didn’t (and still doesn’t) do social media and just barely made use of his phone, so unless I initiated texts he just would barely text me. Even now, 10 years later, he still barely texts. It takes him a good 10 minutes to even construct a text he wants to send someone.

I’m trying to recall where we were at 5 months dating. I think we’d planned a week away together, hadn’t said I love yous or talked about anything serious - moving in etc, but we didn’t spend every weekend together. He’d met all my friends at 3 months, my family at 5 months and I met his family at 6 months. Everyone is different though.

Didimum · 29/12/2021 23:34

Edit: we DID spend every weekend together. Almost, at least.

bebarkered · 30/12/2021 00:11

Oh no OP, he's the gift that keeps on giving!

OnTheSafeSide · 30/12/2021 10:22

Ughh OP, that message. I think he has shown his true colours now (to me anyway) tbh. The message is along the lines of the dog ate my homework, but even IF it is true, the fact that he tied it in to your question, and showed zero regard for not replying to you/your feelings (after what happened before), just makes him sound like an immature, insensitive pr*k, sorry. He is either lying about it, or really doesn't give much of a stuff either way, or if he actually does care, he seems to have some major issues showing any emotion, vulnerability. It's a NO from me, that would have put me right off him!

OnTheSafeSide · 30/12/2021 10:24

Also as someone above said, it absolutely sounds like the message he would send to a mate, either out of embarrassment or god knows what. Ughhh, no.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 30/12/2021 10:32

Youre all right, at best he's a prick and at worst he's a liar.

My friend said I should ask where he got his phone sorted and she said she'd ring up and ask them to clarify Grin I assume she was joking.

I do still want a "lay your cards on the table" type of conversation but its clearly impossible to get him to communicate!

OP posts:
OnTheSafeSide · 30/12/2021 10:35

Yes I was wondering where he managed to get it fixed so quickly, as assume those kind of shops would certainly have been closed for a few days. Maybe I'm wrong.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 30/12/2021 10:53

@OnTheSafeSide
He lives in a major UK city so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that a smaller none branch shop would be open on the Tuesday at least. I cant remember what phone he has but it isn't a new one so they won't have had to order a fancy screen. Even so... I dont believe him.

My friend told me to check his WhatsApp last seen on the Wednesday before he messaged me but I didn't. I should have because then I would have definitely known if he was lying or not.

OP posts:
Aphrodite31 · 30/12/2021 11:01

Why do you have to ask him?

I think the idea of a 'Talk' could feel oppressive, which is the opposite of what you want.

If he feels as you do, he should also naturally drop the search. But I think you have to let him take this decision and do it.

Personally I'd just enjoy where you are and trust it. I'd wait for the moment where you say you love each other and I don't think I'd ask about apps - I'd just presume they were gone. Then maybe refer to it months later when obviously gone.

Aphrodite31 · 30/12/2021 11:01

Sorry I totally DNRTFT 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Evian57 · 30/12/2021 11:05

@ToastOnCheese did you reply to him? I think you should just lay it out to him on a message that you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere. The message he sent you seems to show how much effort he feels he needs to make. For what it’s worth, I am the queen of smashing my phone and it’s never been smashed to the point I couldn’t message and it’s never taken longer than half a day at a shop to be fixed.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 30/12/2021 11:23

You are wasting your life on this guy.

The question is why would you invest months and months into a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 30/12/2021 11:34

@Aphrodite31
Please dont read the thread, it's just my egotistical ramblings Grin

@Evian57
I know, I dropped mine face down on concrete and it was still usable!
I replied and just said "you're an absolute nightmare." We haven't exchanged many messages, but I'm going to say that it feels that we are just friends.

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 30/12/2021 11:39

I really don’t understand why you don’t just cut contact with him OP? You are far too good for this shit. It must be so tiring, and for what? You are no further forward then when you started this thread.

Evian57 · 30/12/2021 12:03

@ToastOnCheese i agree with PP, why don’t you just bite the bullet and tell him it’s not working. You had the ideal opportunity to reply to his message (after a 4 day silence over Xmas!) and set your boundaries. But just saying “you’re an absolute nightmare” isn’t exactly showing him your bar is high. I hope that doesn’t come across as harsh but you keep accepting his crumbs and never challenging it. You don’t seem to want to rock the boat but I’m not sure why when this man is offering you nothing?

Evian57 · 30/12/2021 12:05

@ToastOnCheese oh and yes, saying it feels like you are just friends is spot on. Because that’s basically what you are. 💐

Wreath21 · 30/12/2021 12:28

This is a bloke with a full, busy life who doesn't prioritize Relationships. (TBH it would probably be better if more women took the same approach: the way we are socialised to regard winning and keeping a man's attentions as the sole purpose of our lives does us no good).
If you were happy with an occasional fun meeting and (very) occasional sex there would be no big deal about this: some people with full, busy lives are happy to go along with an intermitten FWB situation and good for them.
But it doesn't seem to be making you happy, so best to move on now before you get progressively more miserable.

myothercarisaskoda · 30/12/2021 13:21

So you replied that short message and that's it?! Are you going to wait another week for his next?

Raychelle · 30/12/2021 13:56

I am so intrigued with this thread as i myself seem to attract these men who do "just enough to keep me hanging" i call it dangling the carrot.

And I do sympathise with OP as when you really like somebody and can see the potential, it can be hard to let it go and say enough is enough.

In my experience with these men, when you actually finish it or push back, they then come forward and give you more attention, then suddenly it becomes too much and they drop back again and thus the cycle repeats, just something to be aware of when you do finally get rid!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 30/12/2021 14:46

@Raychelle
Haha yes, the elastic band theory!
My horrible ex was very much like this... We were in contact for a year after he dumped me, giving me false hope and little snippets when I tried to pull back, just enough to keep me hanging on.

I dont really know what I'm doing. I find it difficult to say what I have to say, I dont want to sound woe is me but I told and told my ex many, many times what I wanted/needed and he would never listen, it seems fruitless. He would get angry and violent or completely shut down and shut me out, either way I'd end up upset and begging for him to "forgive" me. Rationally, I know that's not the case and it's the only way I can have a healthy relationship. When I don't care I find it very easy, when I care it feels impossible because then its all "my fault." If it ends it'll be my fault, I'll have caused it etc, that's how I used to think. It's the rational and irrational side of my brain fighting. I usually manage it well but for some reason I'm caught up with this guy.

I have drafted a message to send to him when he eventually responds, I will just need to do it and not wimp out.

Sorry, I'm being so moany. I'm just trying to be honest!

OP posts: