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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
bebarkered · 28/12/2021 02:04

I don't know how you've coped being in limbo with him for so long. Do you feel strong enough to dump him? I'd ring him to do it if I were you. To hear his reaction when you tell him it's over. To see if he's bothered, to get some understanding of what the fuck he's thinking losing out on someone like you! What a dick

Robin233 · 28/12/2021 06:32

I haven't read all the answers but I've read all your posts op.
At 5 months you are still in the honey moon period.
For me the lack of sex would be the deal breaker not to mention the lack of contact.

josephinerosa · 28/12/2021 08:51

I've read the whole thread, unfortunately this man just isn't serious. I wouldn't bother having a phone conversation/meeting to discuss his lack of contact, he strikes me as the type who will say just enough to keep you hanging on.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 10:03

Thanks all.

I feel really shitty this morning. The irony is, the time I thought he was ignoring me and he messaged to say he can't believe I thought he'd just leave like that Hmm

I dont think I'll contact him again.

OP posts:
ElectraBlue · 28/12/2021 10:12

''Right this moment I don't feel ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend, not because I don't like him, I think he's ace, just because 3 months is still early days and I rushed into my last relationship.''

Well, you can't have it both ways. If you tell him that you don't consider him boyfriend material right now, he should be perfectly entitled to see other people if what he is after is a long term, committed relationship. He does not owe you exclusivity.

inheritancetrack · 28/12/2021 10:14

You need to phone him and just say you think the relationship has run its course, and wish him well. Don't text as you'll end up with the same nonsense as earlier. End it and do so clearly. He clearly isn't interested in anything other than a friendship and has pigeonholed you along with his job, hobbies etc.

OnTheSafeSide · 28/12/2021 10:18

I'm sorry OP. I know you seem to have ruled out him actually being in a relationship already and thought he was a good 'un, as did I, but the more this gone on, I do wonder if you were a thing on the side, hence so little contact etc. Also - was it always days out/trips etc that you were on with him (like away where no-one would know him?) and were you ever at his house?
Maybe it is not that, it just seems a quite feasible explanation, although hopefully not.
Sorry, his loss though. But, as you said, at least you don't have the Pavlov response when the phone pings like the rest of us during these matters! Hope you get over it quickly. I am only finally getting over it now after 18 months!!!!! My heart finally no longer stops/jumps when I hear a message come through ...

ScabbyHorse · 28/12/2021 10:39

Sorry he is treating you so badly. I would honestly just block him.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 10:39

@ElectraBlue
I wrote that post over 2 months ago. We are (or were) exclusive. I also didn't tell him he wasn't boyfriend material, I always thought he was! I just didn't want to rush into anything.

@OnTheSafeSide
We only went on 2 trips out, the rest of the time we were in his city and my town. I did go to his house, yes, and his work.
Im sorry you've been going through something as well, glad you are feeling better!

OP posts:
OnTheSafeSide · 28/12/2021 12:02

Thanks Toast, yes that's good, all sounds perfectly open them. I still think I would message to just end it which may give him the chance to raise his game if he didn't realise you were feeling like this and genuinely wants to continue and needs to make the necessary changes, or else for him to not do so and at least you know/have taken control, and are not constantly wondering if he will pop up again and you have closed the matter. So give him a few days to reply, then block if nothing. The End. Good luck!

Gettingonwithit12 · 28/12/2021 12:09

OP I have been following this thread as you seem so lovely and I wanted it to work out for you! It has actually made me so angry on your behalf that he is treating you badly. What is wrong with all these horrible men! How dare he, and you deserve much better Flowers

beastlyslumber · 28/12/2021 12:11

I agree, OP, you deserve much better.

Honestly I think you are probably just one of his "options". You made it clear you liked him and didn't mind the lack of effort, so he hasn't bothered to put much effort in. Just the bare minimum to keep you on the back burner. I think I said this earlier on the thread also. He could be a player or he could just be lazy/not bothered. Either way, I think it must be at the point now where there's nothing to be gained by hanging on?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 12:25

Thanks all, you've all been so lovely to me while I've been moping around for 17 pages!

@beastlyslumber
Thank you. Just to clarify, in my eyes it's over and I have no hope left, I've definitely realised there's nothing to hang on for.
Im 99% sure he's lazy and just doesn't care about me the way I care(d) for him. I think he probably enjoyed having someone he could have fun with and then not bother with inbetween those times. Low maintenance.
Not sure why he couldn't just message me to say he's no longer interested but that would be too easy wouldn't it.

Im going to take a few days off and then get back on an app at the start of the new year. It fills me dread but I really want to meet someone!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 28/12/2021 14:11

Good for you OP. I'm sure you'll meet someone lovely. I would take from this that it would be smart to be open about your expectations regarding things like acceptable levels of contact, exclusivity etc from the start. Then if someone doesn't meet those expectations, you can very quickly exclude them and move on to another person. E.g. "I won't message anyone twice in a row; if someone takes more than a day to respond that's not okay; I want someone who is actively organising dates and confirming in good time" etc. Whatever your expectations may be. Write it all out, everything you want and need from a person, and then you'll have a roadmap.

I do like Matthew Hussey's videos on dating. I think he's really helpful on boundaries and expectations and how having them makes you more attractive to the right people. Good luck out there!

PatchworkElmer · 28/12/2021 14:32

It shouldn’t be this hard OP- you should be having fun getting to know each other.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 15:02

@beastlyslumber
Thank you. That's a really good idea. I usually am quite upfront about what I want and need, so now I'm wondering if there actually was something about him that made me feel unable to do that. I know I was adamant that it was all me and not him, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I suppose its all a learning curve, im happy with how I've acted throughout and it's helped me to realise a lot of things about myself too.

I hope I will meet someone lovely one day, fingers crossed!

OP posts:
AshLane · 28/12/2021 15:08

I just don't understand why you can't talk to him. Meet him, talk - text is so awkward and so full of misinterpretation.

What's the worst that can happen, you have a conversation in which you agree to end this. Closure.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 15:16

@AshLane
The last message I sent was on Sunday asking him to meet either yesterday or today. I cant force him to meet me (unfortunately!)

OP posts:
AshLane · 28/12/2021 16:15

AAh! Sorry - missed that!

Maybe he is expecting 'the talk' after all.

Is his way of working to actually let you think it's over, let you calm, then pick it up again, possibly because it's easy, possibly because he's bored?

I was in an infuriating relationship like that...contact low, contact increased to suit him, contact low again, I'd decide to walk, he'd increase contact, then he'd decide it was too much and walk. I'd be upset for a couple of months then just as I'd moved on in my mind, he'd show again.
Stupidly I let it go on for 3 years, it was like torture.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 28/12/2021 16:22

@AshLane
We've had the talk that I was referring to when I started this thread (ie we agreed we were exclusive, not interested in other people, on the same page and seeing where it went etc) so I don't think he was expecting anything more, no.

Time will tell with regards to whether he contacts me again, im unsure whether he will or not.

That sounds like a really tough situation, some people are very good at knowing when you're moving on and then crawling back to cause mayhem. It's not stupid, it's difficult to navigate situations when feelings are involved, that's more than understandable!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 29/12/2021 21:01

Honestly, this boy... He's the gift that keeps on giving. Do i believe him?

When to have The Talk
OP posts:
CatMad90 · 29/12/2021 21:19

I think he will always be full of excuses! He isn't making you happy. Maybe you could use this opportunity to have the conversation with him and see what he says about how you feel.

Juletide · 29/12/2021 21:29

He does just enough OP, just about enough to keep you hanging on.

He's good, I'll give him that.

myothercarisaskoda · 29/12/2021 21:32

Nah, I wouldn't believe it either considering. Take control and bin him!

LittleWins · 29/12/2021 21:43

‘Boy’ is right. Stop letting him take your energy.

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