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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
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5
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/12/2021 09:11

Blimey this sounds exhausting OP. Definitely think you need a chat with him, just be clear on exactly what it is you need and want.

bebarkered · 23/12/2021 01:16

I wouldn't ask him where he sees this going OP, I'd just tell him where I think it's going, which is absolutely nowhere. I'd say I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together, but, to be honest with you, for me, things are not progressing as they should be. I don't feel satisfied with how often I hear from you.
If he's bothered about you (for want of a better term), he's going to be asking YOU what can he do to improve things between you. Don't pussyfoot around him anymore, go for it! X

Flowers500 · 23/12/2021 01:29

it sounds like you're not on the same page with communication and it's time to just draw it to a close

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/12/2021 10:56

Thanks all. I didnt end up replying straight away as I'm worried that all I'm doing is moaning and I'm really not this miserable in person!

@Sparkai
I think what you're saying is true. At first I am very much I dont care anyway, expecting them to leave so I hold back and don't invest. Problem is, I really like this guy now and like you said, he is who he is with regards to communication (or lack thereof!)
I would love a proper relationship with him.

@Didimum
I haven't ever told him that, no.
I want to be in a proper relationship with him, I'd like him to communicate every other day. I dont need any declaration of feelings yet, I just want him to explicitly say that he enjoys my company and he likes me. I dont need any talk about the future yet. I agree that I'm expecting him to read my mind.

His behaviour in person doesn't match up with him not caring, that's why I don't understand him I think. If I truly thought he didn't care and didn't want to continue seeing me then it'd be so much easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/12/2021 10:59

@bebarkered
Thank you, I like that way of approaching it. It was on the tip of my tongue the last time I saw him to say, "this just isn't going anywhere, is it?" But I don't want it to come across so harsh!

Im boring myself at this point so I do apologise! Grin

OP posts:
Sleephappy · 23/12/2021 11:16

Did you meet up on Sunday In the end?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/12/2021 12:14

@Sleephappy
It was on the Monday we met up, he messaged and then called me after work to arrange a time etc.

I didnt bring much up, im an idiot. Blush I don't know why I find something so simple so difficult.

OP posts:
bebarkered · 23/12/2021 12:51

You're no complainer or moaner so don't think that! You sound fabulous. I just wish he would surprise you and get 'all emotional' with you for a change, it is Christmas after all! On that subject, has he asked to see you over the festive period? X

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/12/2021 17:33

@bebarkered
Haha thank you! No plans to see each other. On Monday he asked to see me on the Tuesday but unfortunately that didn't go ahead due to him working later than expected. I'll see when he asks to see me, we are both working quite a lot so I assume it'll be business as usual and we won't see each other more than we usually would!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 17:45

It does sound a bit rubbish, OP. There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit more contact and enthusiasm. It doesn't sound like he's willing to make an effort, although to be fair to him (I do so grudgingly!) you haven't actually told him what you want from him.

I wonder if maybe it's possible he's holding off a bit because you've been not wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend and not wanting to talk about feelings yet etc? Maybe the relationship would have progressed naturally to more contact but he thinks he might scare you off?

More likely he's just a bit rubbish. But again, you could talk to him and then you'd know.

The fact that you really struggle to talk to him about these things is a red flag for the relationship, imo.

AutumnWinterSpring · 23/12/2021 18:15

OP, I say this with love (& experience), perhaps you keep falling for men who treat you/women badly because your standards are too low. This… I'll see when he asks to see me …is not going to get you to your equal and you deserve so much better. When do you want to see a potential partner?

Seriously. You sound great. Please stop wasting your time and energy on someone who can’t show they care.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/12/2021 16:11

@autumnwinterspring
Thank you. What you've said is spot on, I am so despondent with this. What I want and when I want to see him matters just as much.

I am barely hearing from him at all. I've been telling myself that when he eventually replies I'll bring things up but he just isn't responding.

Im getting very restless and bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/12/2021 16:13

@beastlyslumber
Thanks. I'm realising that my inability to speak to him is definitely not right. I just can't be arsed with any of this! I just want it to be easy and safe and secure.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 24/12/2021 16:30

Get the conversation done. Why are you waiting for him to respond, when he clearly doesn't?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/12/2021 16:37

@loveyoutothemoon
He last messaged me yesterday, he does respond, he just takes too long. I didnt want to just come out with it, but suppose I don't have much choice.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 24/12/2021 16:43

Yes just do it.

Didimum · 24/12/2021 17:40

I think the way you feel about him coupled with the fact he is a decent person warrants giving him the chance to rectify his behaviour. If he doesn’t, no regrets. If you want to break up with of course, then you know best.

Didimum · 24/12/2021 17:40

P.S and by rectifying his behaviour I mean you telling him what you need from him.

beastlyslumber · 24/12/2021 18:07

[quote ToastOnCheese]@beastlyslumber
Thanks. I'm realising that my inability to speak to him is definitely not right. I just can't be arsed with any of this! I just want it to be easy and safe and secure.[/quote]
I know. It ought to be easy! But it's so hard to tell if it's not easy because of him, you, the dynamic between you, or other!

I've been really liking the Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos about love and relationships and dating recently. I don't know if you had a crappy childhood, but if you did, they might help you to figure out what's going on.

AutumnWinterSpring · 24/12/2021 18:09

Big love OP Flowers

Rip off that plaster and you could simply say it’s not progressing & life is too short. Wish him well & be on your way. Then meet someone capable of communication.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 27/12/2021 17:01

Things have taken a nosedive, I thought Christmas and New Year would tell me a lot. I've barely heard from him at all.

I've realised that I definitely need to have a talk with him and I'm finally ready, however he hasn't responded to my message about meeting up, so I can't even do that.

I feel in a weird limbo, it feels like it's already over.

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 27/12/2021 17:03

Ring him!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 27/12/2021 17:24

@myothercarisaskoda
I dont think I have it in me to call someone who is potentially ignoring me!

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 27/12/2021 17:31

I get that, but don't you want closure? If I was in the same situation I'd be forever wondering. If he ignores your call (for hours or days), send him a message saying that you don't think it's working out, he'll soon text you back, because it sounds to me like he just wants you for conveience (ie sex).

Or you can just forget about him...

Figroll16 · 27/12/2021 17:34

When did you last hear off him OP?