Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Holeandthentwo · 12/12/2021 19:31

Any news OP?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/12/2021 19:03

@Holeandthentwo
No update unfortunately. I saw him last night but it was very briefly in a restaurant so I didn't feel it was the right time to have a serious conversation.

Feeling a bit meh about the whole thing now, I've been dating him almost 5 months and I feel like we are no further along.

Im going to leave things now and see if/when he contacts me, I instigated the last 2 dates.

Thank you for asking. Smile

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 14/12/2021 08:12

Yes defo leave it @ToastOnCheese to see if he instigates a meeting. It’s frustrating isn’t it. I’m a little on your shoes but less extreme version.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 14/12/2021 10:20

@HaggisBurger
I love haggis!
I will. I know full well he'll instigate a meeting, im pretty sure he enjoys spending time with me. He just won't instigate much else. Grin

Hope your situation is going better than mine! How long have you been dating the person for?

OP posts:
PippaRose · 15/12/2021 06:25

Hi Op, I’ve the full thread. It got me thinking as my husband isn’t much of a messager. However I was never left wondering what he thought or how he felt or where we were going.

I think at this stage if it’s right it should be easy and you should know how he feels.

Hope you figure out the next steps ok.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 15/12/2021 10:46

@PippaRose
Thanks, I agree, I shouldn't be second guessing and posting here analysing everything.

I think my worry is how I've been treated previously by "men" and whether that impacts how I feel about this situation.

Im used to massive highs and lows, everything being super intense, so my norm isn't "normal." Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/12/2021 13:58

Things don't seem to be progressing at all, I think I'll be ending things before Christmas. Such a shame!

OP posts:
Holeandthentwo · 19/12/2021 15:11

Sorry to hear that @ToastOnCheese. What did he say when you told him you’d prefer more regular contact? Was he not keen?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/12/2021 15:36

@Holeandthentwo
I haven't even managed to see or speak to him unfortunately.
We saw each other Sunday and since then he has sent one message midweek that i replied to the same night and then he responded to it on Friday. That's 2 messages in 7 days and no plans to meet. I messaged this morning asking if he'd like to do something tonight, no response.

Just feel like im wasting my time now. I'm so gutted, I thought he truly liked me but we just had different communication styles and expectations, now it's clear I just care more than he does.

OP posts:
PippaRose · 19/12/2021 20:33

Ah sorry to hear this as it’s clear how much you like him and enjoy his company.

If you aren’t getting what you want then it’s time to move on.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/12/2021 21:11

@PippaRose
I find it so difficult to walk away, always have. I'm really not getting what I want though.

Hes since messaged, said he's working today and asked to meet tomorrow instead.

I feel like it's all gone tits up, I dont trust him anymore and just feel like he isn't at all interested.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 19/12/2021 21:32

I know it's no consolation, but I never liked him, OP.

But if you think it's salvageable, then I suggest a face to face conversation in which you express what you want and need from him, and he lets you know if he's able and willing to do that, part of that, or none of that.

There is no way to conduct a relationship when you have no idea what the other person is thinking and feeling. An honest conversation is the only way to sort this out.

This has been the answer from the start and I wonder why it's the one thing you seem to want to avoid if at all possible.

Meet him tomorrow and have a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel. You have nothing to lose.

lothermand · 19/12/2021 21:32

Apologies for not reading the whole thread, though I get the gist.

OP can you let him run alongside your life? With that I mean, carry on doing your normal routine, and he fits in around that? You're probably accommodating him by the sounds of it. If you could do that, and not be so invested, it'll either fizzle out or he will up his game.

Personally he sounds quite casual, and I think not responding to a message for a couple of days is, quite frankly, plain rude!

Leave him to initiate anything further, go about your life in the meantime.

((((Hugs)))

AnImposter · 19/12/2021 21:46

Needing to have so many 'serious' conversations so early on... is it really worth it? And I mean that kindly - it's not you. Thanks

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/12/2021 21:46

@beastlyslumber
Thanks for your message. I honestly dont understand my reluctance to speak to him. I am usually quite an upfront person but just can't seem to navigate this at all. I've thought about it a lot but genuinely can't work out why I'm acting like this, I'm so frustrated at myself. It's like i just dont know how to start the conversation.

@lothermand
Thanks for your message! The thing is, I do go about my life and he fits in with it, however I have already overinvested. I dont change plans for him or see him last minute, I see my friends and family when I plan to, engage in my hobby the same amount of time, have my alone time etc.

I told myself this time I wouldn't initiate the next date but I was worried about not seeing him before Christmas, I can do this next time though.

I just can't work him out. I get that some people take things slowly but its been like 5 months now, it's bonkers.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/12/2021 21:52

@AnImposter
Thanks, I do wonder if I'm the unusual one or he is! It's not worth it. I've never had serious conversations with anyone before, it's either just happened or its not. I have no clue how he feels, nothing has ever been mentioned, it doesn't seem to have progressed naturally (or at all!)

OP posts:
lothermand · 19/12/2021 22:05

You are over invested OP, and it's hard right? If he's keen, believe me, he will move heaven and earth, you won't need to 'worry' about not seeing him.

Sleephappy · 20/12/2021 01:04

He sounds like he’s coasting and you’re not a priority unfortunately. When you like someone a lot they’re always on your mind. No way you wouldn’t respond to messages for days or risk not seeing them by setting up a date to meet each week.
He nearly lost you before but doesn’t seem to have upped his game.
I would really have an honest chat with him, you haven’t anything to lose at this stage. It’s making you anxious anyway.
I’m a big fan of putting my boundaries and needs out there and not tolerating behaviour I don’t like, especially after months with someone. Speak up and say if nothing changes move on

beastlyslumber · 20/12/2021 09:36

Maybe your feeling like you can't have the conversation is some wise part of you trying to protect you? If you are usually quite comfortable talking about these things, maybe you are trying to tell yourself something?

So don't force yourself to talk to him if it feels wrong. But acknowledge that it feels wrong and own the decision you're making about it. That will help you to move on I think Flowers

PippaRose · 20/12/2021 11:39

Why don’t you meet him today as he suggested and have the conversation? See what he says.

Sparkai · 20/12/2021 12:30

I have just read your whole thread OP, and, while I don't necessarily think this guy is the one for you, I have noticed something about your dating style.

At first, you came across very attachment avoidant, you liked his relaxed communication style and seemed to like the slow pace. I assume this is before you "caught feelings" and were feeling a bit more in control and "I'll be fine if you leave me anyway"?

Now you want more. I assume because you have admitted to yourself that you like him and want a proper relationship?

The problem is you want a different personality in each stage. Guy A (chilled no pressure communicator) doesn't become Guy B (heart on his sleeve, prepared to put himself put there even if he isn't sure of your feelings, frequent communicator).

I think, given your past with the dickhead ex's you would be happier with a Guy B, but his style is probably something that might scare you off in the initial stages of a relationship. Does any of this chime true, or am I super wide if the mark? Apologies if so

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 20/12/2021 12:57

I'll reply properly later, my tentative plan was to see him tonight and to ask if he felt this was going anywhere. He has not been in contact, he sent the one message yesterday saying could I meet tomorrow, I said that is fine. Nothing confirming a time etc. I am absolutely not messaging him to organise it. Guess it's a waiting game! Angry

OP posts:
Didimum · 20/12/2021 14:13

OP, I very much empathise with your frustrations here, and I think you sound like a terrific person. But at the same time, on top of the criticism, I’m not getting much sense of what YOU want from him - what is it? More communication? A declaration of what you mean to him? Asking to bf/gf? Talk about the future?

If you’re not feeling it then you’re not feeling it, and that’s OK. But he’s not a mind reader, and I’m not sure why you’re not speaking up to him or to us about what you want from him or a relationship. Communication is the most valuable tool in all long term relationships - use it.

Didimum · 20/12/2021 14:17

P.S And this “my tentative plan was to see him tonight and to ask if he felt this was going anywhere” - but what do you want him to say to this? Where do YOU want it to go and what sort of behaviour reflects that? I honestly feel that you’re expecting him to do all the work in reading your mind and getting annoyed when he doesn’t? Have you even ever told him you’re not content with his slow messaging pace or told him ‘your turn to arrange the next date’?

AutumnWinterSpring · 20/12/2021 23:17

Grab life by the balls and stop waiting. Why the heck would you want things to progress with someone mostly absent? Chin up & move on.