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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Fi1982 · 06/12/2021 23:35

@ToastOnCheese why don’t you just ask him how he feels about stepping up the contact a bit more, perhaps schedule in a mid-week phone call or FaceTime to start with and see if it grows over the weeks? You have nothing to lose at this point, either he likes you enough or he doesn’t. No point stringing it out if he could give you an answer now. And no point sitting on here ruminating about whether he likes you enough or not with total randoms who can’t give you an accurate answer ☺️ Give him a chance to be the boyfriend you want by telling him what you want. If it doesn’t work, then move on. You’re always one foot out the door by the sounds of it, ready to run for the hills at the first sign of danger, and it’s obviously because you’ve been treated like shit in the past. Don’t let that dictate your future ❤️

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 23:36

@Northeastsouthwest21
Thank you. Sometimes I worry that I don't know what's "normal" and this is just the way things "should" be after a lovebomby ex. I worry that I'm never happy and I will always need more.

I just really want to meet someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 23:44

@Fi1982
Thanks. I'll bring it up the next time I see him, I now know texting isn't the way to go... Blush
Thats if I do see him again, I cant shake the feeling that he's disappeared. It's funny how fragile all of this is.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 07/12/2021 07:56

Sorry, OP. I want to be wrong, but I think he's a wrong 'un. I agree you should talk to him, tell him you want more contact, and see what he says. But then see what he actually does.

Honestly, I think after the amount of time and closeness you've had, and especially after the whole 'exclusivity' debacle, I'd find it weird that he doesn't want to have more contact with you. If he likes you as much as he says, why doesn't he want to talk to you? Or is he just doing the bare minimum to keep you around?

Gwennid · 07/12/2021 08:13

Do you think that you being on holiday might cause him to contact less, or is it likely this would have happened had you been at home anyway?

Lana07 · 07/12/2021 08:22

For me, true respectful relations start when both people date only each other.

I would also definitely ask after 2-3 months maximum. I would have a straight talk: 'I am loyal to you. Are you loyal to me?'

I would expect loyalty 100%. If not - I am out looking for my loyal Prince.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 10:30

@beastlyslumber
Probably doing the bare minimum to keep me around.

@Gwennid
Im not sure. When I send a general message (as I did on Saturday) he would usually respond the next day or so, but until this time I had stopped sending general messages, I just waited for him to contact me, so it's hard to say.

The thought of going back OLD fills me with dread... But I don't want to put up with things that make me unhappy just for this reason.

OP posts:
Gwennid · 07/12/2021 10:44

I think you need to give this a bit longer OP, with a view to ending it if doesn't suit you a few weeks down the line. Christmas might be very revealing!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 10:51

@Gwennid
I won't be spending Christmas with him, I already have plans with my family after not seeing them last year. He has mentioned he won't be getting me a present but will get my animals one, unsure if he's joking or not... But I was going to suggest we leave presents anyway and go away for a night and for a nice meal and pay half each.

Anything in particular that makes you say I should give it a bit longer?

OP posts:
Gwennid · 07/12/2021 11:34

Because once you're single again you don't want a bad case of the 'What if's'.

Christmas will give you more clarity, even if you aren't seeing him. An absence of a 'Happy Christmas' message on the day might well be the clincher.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 12:41

@Gwennid
Thanks, that's very true. I've never been a person who can handle the "what ifs" I prefer to just give it a go (and regret it later!)

Its just the waiting around for a message... I leave my phone every time I go out but when I walk in the first thing I do is check! I'm also reading books on my phone (Jane Fallon, she's ace!), or else I'd shut it away for the week!

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Holeandthentwo · 07/12/2021 17:30

But, OP, if he doesn't know that this level of contact isn't fine with you (and it wouldn't be with me), then how can he correct it?

That said, was your text a 'thanks for a great night. Look forward to seeing you after my holidays' message, or a 'thanks for a great night. You got anything exciting on this week? Hope the weather's nice on my holiday' type conversation message? If it's the latter then he's rude as fuck, and I wouldn't believe that he wasn't using that phone as a burner phone whilst he also has a girlfriend.

beastlyslumber · 07/12/2021 17:46

Yeah, look, I'm not on any SM (except MN! does that count?) and don't really use my phone much. But if you messaged me even I would see it within a few hours. Who doesn't look at their phone once or twice a day?

I just think people's actions are so much more telling than their words. He's lovely when you see him, but when you're not there, he doesn't show any sign that he's thinking of you, interested in you, caring about you. He leaves you wondering all the time whether you've been dumped. You feel insecure in the relationship. It's all just... not right.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 17:48

@Holeandthentwo
Thats true and thats the reason I havent done anything rash.

My message was a selfie and then a comment with an in joke. He has replied now, commented on the joke and then asked how I'm getting on etc, no comment about how long it took him to reply, which makes me think he simply doesn't realise.

I dont think the phones a burner one, I really just don't get that impression that he's with someone. I've met a friend, a colleague, been in his work numerous times, we go out near where he lives and works etc. I could be wrong, obviously.

OP posts:
Northeastsouthwest21 · 07/12/2021 17:53

@ToastOnCheese do you message on what’s app and can you tell when he reads the message?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 17:53

@beastlyslumber
Thanks, you're right. I will need to have a think and reevaluate things. He has messaged since but as you said, there's no way he hasn't seen the message before today, I sent it on Saturday.

I think I feel sad about it because this is the most I've liked anyone (and the longest I've been seeing anyone) since my ex and the prospect of going back OLD is not appealing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 17:54

@Northeastsouthwest21
I do message on WhatsApp, however I have my last seen and blue ticks turned off.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 07/12/2021 18:06

I mean, tell him? You want him to be more communicative. You'd like him to message more. It's fine to have those wants and needs. Most people would be the same.

He will either make an effort to communicate more, or he won't. Or he'll say he will but not actually follow through with doing it. If he doesn't make an effort to communicate more, then you know he doesn't really care. But you like him, you want to give him a chance. Just be honest about what you want and need. If he can't or won't give you that, then it should be easy to walk away.

Northeastsouthwest21 · 07/12/2021 18:13

@ToastOnCheese I asked my partner what it means if a man goes 3 to 4 days without contacting the girl he’s been seeing for 4 months. He said if the contact was more at the beginning but is now becoming less it means he is losing interest. But if he has always been this way he was only ever casual from the start. I know you can’t always generalise but I tend to agree with his view. 😔

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 18:47

@beastlyslumber
Thanks, I will bring it up to him in person when we next see each other. He doesnt know that this is an issue for me and as you said, the way he responds will tell me everything.

@northeastsouthwest21
Thanks. Maybe he does view this as casual, he has said to me he wanted to meet someone and "see where it goes." He said that he is open for things to progress (we spoke about this quite early on, I asked him but not in a way that related to me/us) and that he isn't interested in anyone else. But that's only words. I think he may be a bit of a Peter Pan, not wanting to grow old and settle down, he's spent most of his life travelling and doing a job that he is passionate about, which is great but I wonder if he lacks "real life." I've not explained that very well but I know what I mean. Grin

4 months is still early days, maybe it takes him longer to open up more. I know im sat here now but to him I've been very wary, maybe he is similar. I don't know about his past experiences.

I dont know. I think I'll maybe give it to the new year to see if he has stepped up or not. Like a PP has said, I dont want to live with "what ifs."

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Northeastsouthwest21 · 07/12/2021 18:52

@ToastOnCheese I agree that you need to talk to him first before making any decisions. I also agree with a PP that his actions between now and new year will tell you a lot. Has he ever been in a serious relationship or ever lived with a partner out of interest?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 07/12/2021 21:04

@Northeastsouthwest21
As far as I know he hasnt, no.

He just messaged again asking a few more questions, since I didn't respond to his earlier messages. I know that doesn't mean anything but when I replied he responded straight away and was engaging, so he must be interested, even if only a small amount!

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 08/12/2021 06:30

Just talk to him.

SortingItOut · 08/12/2021 06:43

I think this is just his communication style and no reflection on you.

When you chat to him hopefully you can meet in the middle and both compromise.

I wonder if he even has his notifications switched on?
If he doesn't then he has to remember to look at the app.
How does he communicate with friends and family?

The fact he has travelled a lot is interesting, depending where he was travelling he may not have used his phone much and so it becomes a way of life.
Often young people who travel send one or two messages a week to their parents to say they are safe and that's it - his messaging style reminds me of this.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 08/12/2021 11:31

@SortingItOut
Thanks. He doesn't have much family left, he had two recent bereavements (this is the reason he returned to the UK) Just phone calls with the remaining family he has left but he isnt close to them, as far as I can see. In the time I've known him he's mentioned seeing them twice. He was closer to the family member who died early this year.

He lived in different countries for 7 years, I know he spent a lot of time doing his hobby (would be dangerous to use phones) and working, again no phones allowed. He's also spoken about going off on his own camping for days without talking to another human etc. I've also noticed that when he's shown me his phone he hasn't even saved a lot of the numbers into his contacts.

His WhatsApp status was changed the day after we exchanged numbers and I asked him to WhatsApp me after we'd spoken on the phone, that leads me to believe he downloaded WhatsApp that night, but I could be wrong.

Im not trying to make excuses for him, just stating the facts. For all I know he could be in a relationship, he could be using a burner phone, he could be dating multiple people, he could not like me as much as I like him and a million other possible explanations. I just dont see it that way with him. I shall talk to him.

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