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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
RantyAunty · 24/11/2021 21:42

He sounds like a keeper!
Decent communicator who can talk things out and apologise if needed.
Gives you space to live your own life.
Told you exactly where he stands.
So happy for you!

Ruft · 24/11/2021 21:45

Sounds perfect. Pleased it’s all been resolved.

shivermetimbers77 · 24/11/2021 21:51

Ah great! He sounds like a good ‘un.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 24/11/2021 21:57

That's great @ToastOnCheese - thank you so much for the update. Take-away points for me from this thread :
1.Thank goodness you didn't block him. I don't quite understand the rush to delete and block unless someone is harassing you.

  1. Texts are a bloody awful way to discuss anything you care about.
  2. It is so very easy for a thread to take on a life of its own and end up far away from real world explanation.
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/11/2021 22:47

Thanks all.

@DivorcedAndDelighted
Totally agree, a few of my friends told me to block him, im so glad I didn't. It was getting more and more difficult to justify as time went on, but part of me didn't think he would disappear on me like that. I kind of trust him, in a way. I think he is a kind person.

It has definitely shown me that I can't text anything important and I think I now have more confidence to approach things with him in person. I feel like we are a bit "closer" after our conversation. It was so nice being able to speak to him in person about how I feel and have him acknowledge and understand it, with my ex I would have just been in tears. This new guy just listened, responded like an adult in a calm manner and then gave me a hug Grin

I will update if/(hopefully) when we become official boyfriend and girlfriend Grin

I now can't wait for Saturday, it's his only day off work and he's chosen to spend it with me Grin I am slightly giddy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/11/2021 22:48

Apologies for the nauseating post Blush

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 24/11/2021 23:05

Awwww. That’s lovely

bluebellforest · 06/12/2021 16:39

How is it going OP?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 17:34

Hi @bluebellforest
Thanks for asking. It had been going so well, we went out last weekend for a day trip to a town about an hour away and then for a night out (food, drinks, markets) in the week. We had so much fun. I think the night out last week was the most fun I've had with him, he also said some really nice things about me/us. I'm now on holiday and haven't heard from him since Thursday... I have messaged. I'm not too worried as I know he isn't the best texter, but one message within four days would be nice, just to see how I'm getting on!

OP posts:
bebarkered · 06/12/2021 19:07

Sorry in advance OP as I haven't had the time to read the thread in full yet, but, you said you haven't heard from him since Thursday?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 19:18

@bebarkered
Yes, I saw him on Wednesday, he texted on Thursday and haven't heard from him since. This isn't unlike him but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm okay with this.

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 06/12/2021 19:40

I woudn't be happy with that. But what is his reason?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 19:59

@myothercarisaskoda
Hes never been a good texter but I've accepted that and never really challenged it. I thought I was okay with it but I dont think I am, I dont need/want daily contact but I dont see how anything can ever progress with so little. I do feel its just him and the way he is and I have no desire to try and change him.

OP posts:
bebarkered · 06/12/2021 21:30

I'm not surprised you're not ok with this. Hitting & missing with the texting, and, no calls (I presume). There has to be a reason for this. But, what is the reason? I would think he's most likely unavailable (in a relationship/living with someone/playing the field, but, not giving you the lowdown). Sorry as I know you really like him x

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 21:51

@bebarkered
I may be dim but I see it more as he's so laid back (too laid back for me) and he's so independent, he just doesn't feel the need to contact me much. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as he seems to. He definitely doesn't live with anyone, I really don't get the impression that he's seeing multiple people but I suppose anything is possible.

I really do think he's just super laid back and doesn't like me enough to change his ways, maybe. I'm not one to stick up for someone, if I had an inkling he was dating other people then I'd say so.

He has spoken a little bit about future plans, ie in January and March. As much as I like him, I shouldn't be wondering if I'm being ghosted, 4 months in! Each time I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again and now I have the added worry his message hasn't gone through and he thinks I'm ignoring him Confused Too complicated.

OP posts:
bebarkered · 06/12/2021 22:04

You could well be right that he's not 'up to anything' and it's just me being cynical!
It's still not helping you though is it, him only being in contact when it suits him, and, you never know when you'll next hear from him. Some people don't seem to think that they have to let others know their plans. I'm someone that let's everyone know so they're not left wondering!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 22:12

@bebarkered
Its so frustrating, I'm not asking for much, it seems to annoy me more and more as time goes on. I really dont expect to hear from him everyday, but 2 or 3 times a week would be nice. It doesnt feel like anything can progress. I dont know whether to bring it up (in person!) or whether I'm wasting my time.

OP posts:
Holeandthentwo · 06/12/2021 22:17

What does he say when you mention that you’d like slightly more frequent and regular communication from him?

HaggisBurger · 06/12/2021 22:23

It’s not a normal way to conduct a relationship- I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to either want or expect more. Even if HE doesn’t need that much contact himself he should be able to traipse that you (and partner) do and be able to make that (very brief - how long does it take to send a whatapp) time. He seems selfish. Rebranding it “laid back” seems over generous. This doesn’t seem to be working for you @ToastOnCheese

HaggisBurger · 06/12/2021 22:25
  • realise not traipse.

This is quite fundamental. A big part of being in a relationship is thinking about the other person and their needs and responding appropriately

bebarkered · 06/12/2021 22:31

Ring him and have it out on the phone. You need to know what the score is with this guy, then you can decide if you think he's right for you after that

Northeastsouthwest21 · 06/12/2021 22:56

@ToastOnCheese I am sure he does like you and enjoys your time together but he’s keeping this at a level. I don’t see how your relationship can progress when he doesn’t contact you for 4 days?? That’s not normal if you are really into someone. He is showing you he’s not invested in you and he’s not exactly pulling out all the stops is he to ensure he keeps your attention? I think if you stick with this one you will just have a future of frustration, he sounds like non serious dating kind of man and even if he’s only dating you, I don’t think you will get what you need from this man.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 22:58

@Holeandthentwo
I havent mentioned it to him, I think that's why I'm cautious to walk away, I havent raised this to be an issue so he doesn't realise.

@HaggisBurger
I think youre right and selfish is a more appropriate word. He does do a lot of lovely things which is why I'm so conflicted. Part of me wonders whether he is just a bit lazy and thick.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/12/2021 23:13

@Northeastsouthwest21
Thanks. I really relate to what you're saying, I think when we are together he does have fun and he likes me in that moment. For whatever reason he seems to be keeping me at arms length. I think he's probably quite happy with how things are, he sees me twice a week and we have a laugh, he doesn't have to put in much effort outside of that, it works for him. I just think I need more.

Why does this never work out for me. Grin

OP posts:
Northeastsouthwest21 · 06/12/2021 23:27

@ToastOnCheese yeah, it may not be anything about you, this could just be who he is. Like you say, he probably enjoys the time you spend together but he is not showing any signs of moving forward or progressing with you. 4 days of no contact from someone I had been seeing for 4 months would make me realise he just isn’t invested. You will feel confused as you have great times together so us women tend to make excuses for certain things when we really like someone. But that gut feeling is there for a reason. You sound lovely & you deserve someone who feels lucky to have you and makes every effort to keep you!