When to have The Talk

[ToastOnCheese]

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

It almost seems like something you'd do if you had a second phone. I have always had one for legitimate reasons (having a different WhatsApp number for freelance work) and sometimes go days without checking it if I'm not expecting anything. I don't need to check it because I'm usually on my main phone. I think in 2021 even people who aren't on their phone much would be on it at least once or twice a day.

Well I started reading this thread with red flag sirens going off in my mind, but it's taken a few twists and turns since then so now I'm doubting my perceptions. Obviously OP knows best what her relationship is like, but I do still think there were some red flags (main one being the thing that started this thread in the first place, and the other big one obviously being the lack of response to the text.) But I agree that proceeding with caution seems like a good plan, and I hope to be proved very wrong about this guy!

Yes, please OP, secretly record the entire conversation and transcribe it here so we can do a proper analysis

It still sounds a bit odd to me to be honest. Whether he is attached to his phone or not, he saw your message and still left it a week to make successful contact and only did then because you followed up. After three months of dating, I would not expect a week long silence.

I hope it all works out. Sounds like the op has strong personal boundaries and is not afraid to walk away from something that is not quite right. Good luck!

I've met a couple of his friends and been to his house. I dont have him on social media, I only have FB and he only has Instagram. I've seen his Instagram, he only posts photos of his hobby anyway.

He does have 2 phones, one with an English sim and one with a sim from a different country (where he lived up until recently) He's been open with both phones, showed me photos on them etc on the rare occasions he brings them on our dates.

He is the type who will stay at mine and go for days out without bringing them with him. His communication style has never changed, i lean more towards that just being "him."

I'll let you know how tonight goes!

So glad there's an explanation!

You've said your friends really like him but have also said he's not met your friends? Is he reluctant about this?

@sandy354
I just mean from seeing his messages, the way I speak about him etc, they didn't think he'd ghost me and said he sounds like a good one. It's never been up in conversation! I only met his friends due to the situation, ie I was meeting him after work and he was with a few friends so we went for a drink.

@dabbydeedoo

I'm a bit confused about the reluctance to ask him to be your boyfriend, as if that's some huge commitment. Surely it just means exclusive dating, and if you're not feeling it, you can just break up? I've missed how old you are but I'm mid thirties and would use the 'boyfriend' label pretty early on with anyone I'm dating exclusively past about a couple of months.

Yes quite. He is your boyfriend OP; it doesn't mean you're engaged or anything, just that he's your regular squeeze! So glad he did reply. I think texts can so easily go wrong when they're about more than simple arrangements. This Relationship Doctor article & podcast on text-smart relationships is good on this, and says : The last thing you want to make sure never to do by text is to have a serious conversation. Serious conversations tend to be threatening. You need lots of reassurance, and disembodied words in cyberspace are never enough, no matter how many smiling emojis you add.

Trying to have a serious conversation with absolutely no sensory input violates everything we’ve learned as a species, over millions of years, about how to establish trust between two people.

@DivorcedAndDelighted
Thanks, I'll check out the link, what you've copied there is spot on and I can see how texting anything like this should be avoided. That's exactly what he said, he said I should have called him as "it's a more serious question." I think over the last 2 years I'm used to having situationships that were conducted mainly over message, whereas with this guy it's more real.

@ToastOnCheese

Hope you have fun tonight! Keep us posted 😊

Ah good luck tonight @ToastOnCheese, really hope it goes well.

Thanks! @Snoozeee

@DivorcedAndDelighted
Thanks. I read the link you posted and i am 100% going to take it on board, I fully agree with what he's saying! It makes so much sense.

If I was spending the night with someone I would automatically assume that it was exclusive. Feeling very old fashioned or straight laced here :-)

Another lurker here who is delighted the way things have turned.

@KarmaLife

If I was spending the night with someone I would automatically assume that it was exclusive. Feeling very old fashioned or straight laced here :-)

Yeah, I used to be the same, until I was lying in bed with someone I'd been dating for 6-7 weeks and he let slip he'd been with someone else the night before in the same bed and hadn't even changed the sheets. Sickening. But this behaviour is considered normal now. If you don't ask, they can do the whole 'I didn't realise we were meant to be exclusive' thing. So now we all have to have the awkward conversation.

Bookmarking for update tomorrow. Hope it’s gone well.

Also hoping all goes well tonight OP!

I've met a couple of his friends and been to his house.

I think going to his house is key in that I’m wrong that he’s with someone else. Could not be happier to be wrong.

Obviously keep your gut feelings high. Of it feels wrong, don’t make excuses (to yourself).

I had a great time with him, as always!

I'll update later as super busy at work but it's back on and at the end of the evening he asked if I wanted to do something with him on Saturday

That sounds really promising ! Especially asking you out again at the end of the date 🥰

Sounds great!

This is great news! So glad things have worked out for you.

Ah I’m so happy it’s worked out for you. Great news.

A thread to be remembered!!!

Thank you for all of the positivity everyone!

He brought up the conversation in person, said he isnt seeing anyone else, nor does he want to. He said he just assumed we were exclusive.
He said he saw my message and replied the same night. When I didnt reply he assumed I was busy and would reply when I was free, thus he didn't think to chase me but planned to ask me to meet on Tuesday if he didn't hear from me. When he received my message he said he panicked and said shit and excused himself and left the room to call me straight away.

He said he completely understands what I was thinking and assured me he wouldn't ever ghost me, if he didn't want things to continue then he'd tell me straight.