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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Poppins88 · 22/11/2021 18:47

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, it is a bit odd he didn't chase your lack of response but he seems keen. I'm happy for you OP, gives me hope!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 18:54

Thank you. The earlier comments are right, I care more than I'm letting on as evidenced by this thread! But my actual question to him wasn't serious imo, I wasn't asking him if he'd be my boyfriend.

I do want to continue things and have said I'll meet him this week.

Did not think this thread would end like this!

OP posts:
dabbydeedoo · 22/11/2021 19:11

I'm a bit confused about the reluctance to ask him to be your boyfriend, as if that's some huge commitment. Surely it just means exclusive dating, and if you're not feeling it, you can just break up? I've missed how old you are but I'm mid thirties and would use the 'boyfriend' label pretty early on with anyone I'm dating exclusively past about a couple of months.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 19:20

@dabbydeedoo
Im mid 20s. True... Not sure really. I am super cautious about the label but I know what you're saying!

OP posts:
dabbydeedoo · 22/11/2021 19:31

[quote ToastOnCheese]@dabbydeedoo
Im mid 20s. True... Not sure really. I am super cautious about the label but I know what you're saying![/quote]
Why, if you don't mind me asking? In my experience, people who are cautious about labels tend to be commitmentphobes with one foot out of the door.

workshy44 · 22/11/2021 19:33

I would believe him as it never made any sense that he didn’t respond. That said while he obviously likes you I don’t think he is overly invested as he never bothered to follow up in over a week - even a quick text and I am not a texter. I would meet him again but wouldn’t be betting the ranch that’s it’s going to work out

Panda8383 · 22/11/2021 19:40

I Hope it all works out for you :-) you seem to have had your fair share of assholes and deserve a nice one x

supercali77 · 22/11/2021 19:44

Texting is the mother of all evils

Didimum · 22/11/2021 20:02

The boyfriend/girlfriend label has different vibes for everyone. For me, being a girlfriend means I’m in an established relationship, not really just ‘dating’ anymore. It means integration into friends and family, support in a myriad of ways and a given that we will be there for each other. While ‘exclusivity’ just meant you are both investing the time in only each other to reach that established level. Nobody’s one version of how to build and name a relationship is wrong as long as the two people in it are happy.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 20:06

@dabbydeedoo
I find it quite conflicting. I would love nothing more than to settle down, to get married, have children, to share a life with someone. But OTOH, my only real experience of a relationship was incredibly abusive and that only started when we were living together. (Well, the emotional abuse started earlier) So, when we were casual I had fun, we were always out doing something, he was amazing to me (lovebombing, as I now know it) and when we had the labels and things got serious he changed into a completely different person, Jekyll and Hyde. I'm scared in case that happens again. Logically and rationally I know its unlikely and there are no comparisons between this guy and my ex, but it's still there.

OP posts:
Snoozeee · 22/11/2021 20:08

@ToastOnCheese

Hi darling!
Been catching up on your posts and peoples advice. I understand you like him a lot but just make sure you look after yourself and be cautious regardless of the situation.
I'm sure he is a genuine person and I hope it all works out for you but don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Communication is key, and from what I have read, he is lacking it. I understand he is busy with work etc but it takes 1min to reply to a message even if it's to let you know he is busy!
When are you seeing him next?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 21:05

@Snoozeee
Thank you! I agree, we all have time to send a text message. I am seeing him tomorrow evening. I'm so excited Blush But definitely going to have a chat about things.

OP posts:
Snoozeee · 22/11/2021 21:26

@ToastOnCheese

Ah how exciting! Is this first time you are seeing him since THE text? (Sorry if I have missed your update!) let us know how it goes!
Yes definitely, make sure you both have a clear and concise chat about the communication area.

Ruft · 22/11/2021 21:54

Logically and rationally I know its unlikely and there are no comparisons between this guy and my ex, but it's still there.

Not to pour cold water on this, OP, but logically and rationally it is likely, or at least not unlikely. Some abusers seek out survivors of past abuse for new relationships to more easily manipulate them.

I’m not saying this is what’s going on here, but be careful you don’t dismiss behaviour or a gut feeling as you being paranoid.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 22:11

@Ruft
Yeah that's true, this guy doesn't know anything about my past relationship history thankfully. I'm in a completely different place now than I was then, I know what to look out for etc. More just, how do I really know? How does anyone know?
I know I'd leave at the first sight of an abusive red flag, im not worried about that, just dont want to fall for the wrong guy.

@Snoozeee
Yes, it'll be my first time meeting him since all of this!

OP posts:
laurenGame · 22/11/2021 22:16

@Didimum describes the difference between exclusive and bf/gf really well. I get it. Bf gf after just 8 weeks might be a bit much, but exclusivity - perfect.

@Snoozeee there has been a lot of development and updates.

@ToastOnCheese good luck, I was so puzzled by your lovely description of him and then him ghosting you. Makes sense now. See what he says and report back here for our opinions Grin

Nedclarity · 22/11/2021 22:18

He seems genuinely lovely and I’d SO much rather be with someone who doesn’t live in their phone than someone who’s attached to it and obsessively checking it. He had an actual life. Ok, perhaps working a bit too much but if he’s passionate about what he does then that’s a plus in my book too. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open and keep telling him how you feel!

Ruft · 22/11/2021 22:31

Yeah that's true, this guy doesn't know anything about my past relationship history thankfully. I'm in a completely different place now than I was then, I know what to look out for etc. More just, how do I really know? How does anyone know? I know I'd leave at the first sight of an abusive red flag, im not worried about that, just dont want to fall for the wrong guy.

Well that’s definitely good that he doesn’t know about the previous abuse.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I left my abusive relationship 13 years ago and I feel exactly the same way.

Out of curiosity, why did it take you a couple of weeks between posting this thread and texting him to ask the question?

Snoozeee · 22/11/2021 22:33

@laurenGame haha yes, there has! I skimmed through it all - first time I saw the thread and wanted to get involved 🥺

@ToastOnCheese have the best time! Just take it one step at a time. Some might think 3 months is too early, others might not - who is to dictate when is too early? Don't put a time stamp on it or any pressure on yourself but instead, enjoy the fun and company of each other!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 22:34

Thank you all, you've all been so ace and supportive!

@Nedclarity
Very true. His job is kind of something you have to be passionate about, I think. I still think he could squeeze in a little message here and there... But he has a full life and thats very attractive.

@laurenGame
Shall I secretly record our conversation tomorrow and then post it here for dissection Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 22/11/2021 22:39

@Ruft
Im sorry that something similar happened to you! It's not fair.
Im not sure why it took me another month, or so... I think I convinced myself it was too early and to wait a bit longer! 4 months just seemed more significant than 3.

@Snoozeee
Thanks! It's been 4 months now, I think that time frame felt "better" but like you said, who is to dictate what is right and wrong?

OP posts:
NameChangeinHaste · 22/11/2021 22:41

I’m so pleased this has a potentially happy ending. I’ve been lurking and reading, and was astonished, and so cross for you that he completely ignored your original message.
He sounded like such a good guy, that I couldn’t believe how wrong you’d got him.
His replies to you are really quite sweet, especially as it would have been easy to take the arse with you, as from his perspective it was you that hadn’t replied.
Keeping fingers crossed that you go on to have a lot more fun together.

Ruft · 22/11/2021 22:46

I hope it all works out for you with this man.

Just as a quick note of caution though, and absolutely feel free to tell me to fuck off and mind my own business, but just be careful not to ignore your gut and try to rationalise away any red flags it’s signalling.

Probably 100% projecting my own situations onto you here, but if there was a gut feeling that you didn’t want to ask earlier because your gut was telling you you wouldn’t like the answer, or if it whispers that sending a reply to an important text, and not checking whether it’s sent or whether you’ve had a reply for nearly a week might be a bit… off, don’t dismiss it as paranoia.

Good luck.

dabbydeedoo · 22/11/2021 23:55

@Ruft

I hope it all works out for you with this man.

Just as a quick note of caution though, and absolutely feel free to tell me to fuck off and mind my own business, but just be careful not to ignore your gut and try to rationalise away any red flags it’s signalling.

Probably 100% projecting my own situations onto you here, but if there was a gut feeling that you didn’t want to ask earlier because your gut was telling you you wouldn’t like the answer, or if it whispers that sending a reply to an important text, and not checking whether it’s sent or whether you’ve had a reply for nearly a week might be a bit… off, don’t dismiss it as paranoia.

Good luck.

Indeed...I get not being super attached to your phone, but sending a response to a question like that and then...just not checking that it had sent?! Is the phone signal really bad where he is or something? It's just really, really odd.
Ruft · 23/11/2021 00:19

Yes, it is odd. OP, have you met any of his friends? Or been to his house or have him on social media? I guess I’m trying to check that he’s definitely not with someone else.