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Original poster

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 14/10/2021 23:37

You know the answer, you don't need us to tell you- "I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy". He's just got better chat than he did a few years ago. That's it. Decent guys don't do what he's doing, so why bother with him?

Dan is adding fuck all to your life at this stage, apart from a regular ego massage. God knows most of us are susceptible to one of those from time to time, but I can guarantee you'll look back at your exchanges with him in a few years and just see it as a complete waste of time and energy. He won't leave Sarah and he's not your mate, so just what is the point?

RaisedByPangolins · 14/10/2021 23:37

Block, delete, move on. This guy loves the drama of you, possibly other women, and most probably his GF too, all angsting over whether he likes you. Once a sleaze always a sleaze. He’s not worth your time or energy and his GF isn’t your problem.

TheChip · 14/10/2021 23:41

You do realise that you're a big a part of this as he is.
If you think it is bad enough that she really should know, then why don't you just remove yourself.
That way, you're not part of a wrong thing, you avoid the drama and you aren't part of another breakdown of a relationship again.

forumdonkey · 14/10/2021 23:42

You know what the definition of insanity is don't you?

madisonbridges · 14/10/2021 23:47

What are you doing? Why are you involving yourself in his lying, convoluted life? Have a search around for some self-esteem and self-respect, and then go make some genuine friendships with some genuine people. And don't mention his name again.

tickertock · 14/10/2021 23:50

Stop flirting with him, you both like the drama of it, I think you would probably quite like Sarah to find out but it's nothing to be proud of to keep interfering with his relationships.

Sakurami · 15/10/2021 00:01

Certainly don't get involved with him again. I would probably tell Emily so she could talk to her Sarah. Or tell sarah directly. I doubt you're the only one he's been chasing /involved with over the years.

Original poster
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 00:07

@RaisedByPangolins I really couldnt care if he liked me or not. That isnt the point to my thread and to be honest it hadnt crossed my mind, I know him reaching out was most likely a big ego stroke.

@tickertock if you read my op properly I said I didnt entertain his flirting. Neither do I reciprocate. I am in a relationship and have just had a baby. I'm just going through a tough time and am enjoying chatting to him on a strictly platonic way. I guess I've also been feeling quite isolated and lonely. But it really isnt anything more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 00:08

Also I'm not getting involved because I like drama. I can quite happily not get involved - to actively avoid drama - but then it feels wrong. I would like to add as well we dont talk everyday, its only here and there.

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 15/10/2021 00:18

Don't lower yourself

Focus on your baby and partner

If you want to tell Emily tell her and if you don't then don't

It makes the most sense to block him and let one of the other women he is doing the same thing to tell his gf he is sending flirty messages and has done for years
You don't need this stress when you have just had a baby

Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 00:21

If it feels wrong, then stop doing it. If you think it might be inappropriate, then extricate yourself from this situation. A man in a relationship, who had previously proven himself to be a fuckwit, is flirting with you and attempting to add a new chapter to the book of shitty things he’s done. Block, delete and move on.

I’m very sorry that you’re having a tough time, but getting embroiled in this idiot’s drama isn’t going to improve things.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 00:27

Have you learned nothing from your past dealings with this scumbag?

TheChip · 15/10/2021 00:28

What does your boyfriend think about the whole thing?

Changechangychange · 15/10/2021 00:31

You probably aren’t the only girl he’s chatting to. From his perspective, there’s a fair chance at least one of you might shag him, and the others can just stroke his ego.

He’s enjoying flirting with you, and you are enjoying him doing it, regardless of whether you intend to act on it. If you were revolted, you’d have blocked him. Forget whether his girlfriend knows, does your partner know?

Original poster
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 00:42

@Changechangychange @TheChip

My boyfriend knows that Dan has attempted to contact me and that I've accepted his friend request. He doesnt know anything else after that. Not by purpose but because if I told him I was talking to Dan he'd be like "okay so...?" Which was the exact initial reaction he had when I told him about Dan's reappearance into my life. It almost made me feel silly for saying anything in the first place when really.... there is nothing to say.

I am not getting any enjoyment from his flirting. I just like talking to him ( not the lines he drops they make me cringe so I chose to ignore them for everyones sake). It actually just as simple as that. We can talk for hours and it's fun.

Honestly this isn't a big deal for me at all it is only because I'll be seeing Emily and she has asked me before if Dan has messaged me which makes me consider telling her. Dont want to feel like I have to lie and keep things from a friend

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 15/10/2021 00:44

There is no “us” to tell anyone about. In what you have described.

He has kept you as the side piece to your knowledge or not every single damn time he has come into contact with you. You have never been a priority and never will.

Cut bait. Throw this guppy back.

Don’t say anything. You’ll be painted in a bad light. Just walk away.

Screw the drama and triangulation. You don’t need to sully yourself in such a way. Block him and go. Never look back.

At the very least there is fresher less boring drama to be had. He’s an old shoe.

Original poster
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 00:45

The only thing my boyfriend had to say on this all is if its stressing me to block him. But this isnt stress for me. I just dont want to be involved in any wrong doings, but then again we do only chat every couple of days for abit so is that so wrong? Yes he may try and drop something cheesy here and there but at the end of the day nothing will come from this, contrary to others beliefs. He is half way up the country from me and I'm not looking for a shag. Surely if he was he would try someone abit closer from home

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 15/10/2021 00:46

Aww damn the boyfriend ….

You might not talk everyday but if you feel the need to tell someone then you also feel there is something to be told.

Stop minimizing.

Triangulation to its finest.

Quit with this.

Chattycatty · 15/10/2021 00:47

Let's not pretend you don't like the drama here.

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 00:47

If he's not doing anything wrong with you, why do you want to cause problems with his girlfriend?

RantyAunty · 15/10/2021 00:47

Good grief.
It isn't that hard.
He's not your friend. He's taking advantage of your isolation and loneliness. If you actually went to visit him, the first thing he'd do is try to get you in bed because that is all this is to him.

Delete and block him.
Focus on your family.
Find other friends to talk to

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 00:48

@Chattycatty

Let's not pretend you don't like the drama here.
Exactly.
JustKittenAround · 15/10/2021 00:51

PS you know this man is a dirty dog. You know it. Stop stroking his ego by even giving him the time of day. He has to trick women for them to pay him mind. You see through it.

The thing is HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE CLOSER TO HOME!!!!! He just uses you for the little bumps of confidence he gets. Especially knowing you have a boyfriend. You aren’t special. He is casting his net wide.

Prove he isn’t.

Or whatever, keep up drama and filling his ego. Just don’t expect anyone to get behind it.

Peach01 · 15/10/2021 00:52

Yes, the interactions are inappropriate. He has a girlfriend, you have history and you're flirting.
Stop speaking to him.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 15/10/2021 00:54

I’m another one who thinks the drama is itching a scratch for you.
It’s all very immature. You know what he’s like, cut him out and move on. That way you will have nothing to hand wring over.