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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 16:29

@Thatsplentyjack it's been going on for a week not years...

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 15/10/2021 16:48

[quote Throwback24]@Thatsplentyjack it's been going on for a week not years...[/quote]
You said you've know him for years, and you had a thing with him years ago, so yes, it's been going on for years.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 16:56

[quote Throwback24]@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce why dont you move on about your day. And i thought I was the bored one yet you seem to find most of your enjoyment on a quote on quote "fake thread". What does that say about you dear[/quote]
'dear' lol

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 16:57

I'll just sit and 👀👀 it's quite entertaining... Barney showed up yet?

Silenceisgolden20 · 15/10/2021 17:04

@Throwback24

Also I'm not getting involved because I like drama. I can quite happily not get involved - to actively avoid drama - but then it feels wrong. I would like to add as well we dont talk everyday, its only here and there.
But you've started a thread about the drama You must like it somehow otherwise you wouldn't be friends with him at all.
SmileyClare · 15/10/2021 17:06

I think it sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment Op. Lashing out here and being defensive isn't helping really.

Although you've had some blunt responses, the overwhelming advice is to Stop talking to this man.

There's too much history between you, the fall out could damage your relationship, upset his girlfriend and your mutual friend will probably think badly of you and possibly side with her friend (his girlfriend).

He hasn't changed into a caring sensitive guy who's lonely and wants a friend. Come on. What's he getting out of it? The thrill of a nighttime emotional affair and getting his ego stroked by you.

You'll end up hurt. Can you not see that? Are you having issues in your own relationship? Do you feel unsupported and lonely, you want to be flattered, listened to? Be honest with yourself about why you've resumed contact with this man because he really isn't the answer to your problems.

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 17:53

@SmileyClare I mean yes of course who doesnt want to feel flattered and supported and listened to. Me and dp just dont really have time for each other. Between our baby and work. He comes home and sit on his phone listening to livestreans and shuts me out. I dont bother talking most the time. we deal with the baby then he is in bed by 9 and I sit downstairs alone contemplating how it all went so wrong in my life.

OP posts:
Shelddd · 15/10/2021 18:00

[quote Throwback24]@SmileyClare I mean yes of course who doesnt want to feel flattered and supported and listened to. Me and dp just dont really have time for each other. Between our baby and work. He comes home and sit on his phone listening to livestreans and shuts me out. I dont bother talking most the time. we deal with the baby then he is in bed by 9 and I sit downstairs alone contemplating how it all went so wrong in my life.[/quote]
Of course.. its all DPs fault that you're having an emotional affair (which sounds like its likely to turn physical).

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:04

@Shelddd for it to be an emotional affair there has to actually be feelings there. I dont feel anything for him and I know he doesnt for me.

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:05

No need to make it into something it's not

OP posts:
Shelddd · 15/10/2021 18:06

LOL, worst case of denial I have seen on these forums.

Please... please... come back and make a post when this crashes and burns.

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:06

Really me talking to dan is no different to you lot posting on my thread and getting a little kick out of your snide remarks 😂 pathetic

OP posts:
Shelddd · 15/10/2021 18:07

I am enjoying this, you sound like an awful, awful person.

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:07

@Shelddd dont worry I'll make sure to report back to give you all your daily dose of toxic drama you so crave

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:08

You dont sound any better dear. Picking on a 20 year old, how old are? And on a Friday night why dont you have anything better to do 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
PleasantFucker · 15/10/2021 18:11

Why don't you talk to your DP about how shit it is between you both?
It's not going to get any better if you're just ignoring each other and not making time for each other. It's just going to be that, every day, rinse and repeat.
Then you get bored and end up talking to people like Dan or whatever the frig his name is. And now you could have a load of drama unfolding, which you obviously don't need right now.
Fuck Dan off and talk to your DP about how to make things better between you both.

SmileyClare · 15/10/2021 18:14

Just to go back to your comment about feeling your life's gone wrong and you don't connect with your partner. I'm sorry you feel like that. I think you've fallen into the classic trap of looking elsewhere for attention instead of addressing it with your partner.

I think this "emotional affair" or whatever it is, isn't real life. You're young parents and the strain of having a baby, the drudgery of life is tough. Decide if you want to fix things with your partner and how (or do you want to split up) instead of escaping in a fantasy of Dan. It's going to truly fuck things up for you. Think carefully about Dan's motivations here (and your own).

Sorry to be blunt but he probably doesn't care about your feelings. He might drop you abruptly. Let's face it, his track record of treating women like shit is vast.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:20

'Nearly a whole decade later I'm not going to hold a grudge on it'
So you started dating when you were about 12?
Got a place in college?
Child prodigy then?

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:23

This reply has been deleted

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Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:25

@Throwback24

You dont sound any better dear. Picking on a 20 year old, how old are? And on a Friday night why dont you have anything better to do 🤷‍♀️
You don't sound like a 20 year old lol
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 18:26

I mean yes of course who doesnt want to feel flattered and supported and listened to.

I want these things from my husband. Not some random shag from 10 years ago that I can’t let go.

Address your issues in your relationship. Cheating and getting validation from a third party is not the answer.

Your actions are hurting your partner, child, best friend and Dan’s girlfriend; who are all innocents in this.

Do the right thing.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:26

Or a woman with a half eaten Curly Wurly 🤷‍♀️

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 18:27

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce

Or a woman with a half eaten Curly Wurly 🤷‍♀️
No woman leaves a half eaten curly wurly
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:29

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I'm not actively seeking anything from dan. I'm just addressing someones pps but I wouldnt say dan gives me any of those things either and I wouldnt turn to him for it

OP posts:
Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:29

Actually this is true