Should I tell his gf about us?

[Throwback24]

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

He either:

A/ wants a bit of fun while his GF is at the other end of the country and you're prime contender as you expect always capitulated before

Or

B/ is looking to leave his GF but wants to secure the option of a soft landing rather than being on his own.

Block the arsehole, say nothing and move on.

[quote Throwback24]@WhoWearsShortShorts gladly! I have nothing to hide. I have no being reciprocating anything so I'm not worried that my partner will be upset. I cant stop Dan from dropping his one liners here and there but I dont engage and the conversation always just moves swiftly along.

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce that's great for you I do too but my mind has been heavy with alot of things that have happened to me recently which has caused the insomnia and Netflix doesnt help take my mind off it. Everyone is different and what works for some may not work for none. I'm not saying this guy is the solution by any means but when we do talk it is only "nice" in the sense that I'm not just staying up staring at a wall.[/quote]
Oh ok...crack on then

And you'll probably be posting in about 6 months time saying that you ended up sleeping together and your partners left you and the baby...

But what do we know? 🤣

So your boyfriend knows that Dan tried to get in touch with you again and you accepted a friend request. Does he know that you continue to talk regularly and that you enjoy it? If not, why not?

@Ruby0707 because personally I feel like its unnatural to be updating my partner on every little move i make regarding this guy. I told him that he is present again, me announcing yes we now talk every couple days I making something out of nothing. The reason I told my partner in the first place was to gauge his reaction. I wouldnt of bothered talking to dan if my partner theres and then said he didnt want me to or wasnt comfortable with it

surely this is some kind of joke? you're not listening to any advice, if anything you're trying to justify your actions, not really sure what you want here now to be honest.

Nah uou didn't tell your partner because you know you're crossing a line. Although you can bet you'll come back, say you told your partner and he didn't have any problems at all about you talking to this questionable bloke. Make sure you tell him the reasons why you're embarking on a friendship with Dan too

I wouldn't be surprised if you interpreted his pursuit of you as flattering.. especially in light of how he behaved before. There must be a part of you that will find this hurtful enough (if it wasn't you wouldn't be human). However, his attention is not flattering. It literally means next to nothing coming from a guy like 'Dan'. And it doesn't really matter how many times you say to yourself how innocent this situation is on your part. You just have to realize that if you keep accepting his friend requests and continue talking with him then he WILL assume 'I know you're still crushing on me'.

Do not jeopardise your attention being directed away from you partner and family. If it was to damage your own relationship in any way it'd be an enormous shame, especially over someone like this. This is your primary concern - not hurt ego or his girlfriend. Say a quick prayer for Sarah (and future Sarah no.2, 3, and 4) that she'll have the foresight to reach out on somewhere like here and see the light one day. Otherwise let it be.

He's a fundamentally disrespectful individual who doesn't care that you're in a relationship and is only after his own ends. And irrespective of how much you think that you're only having friendly chats he's ramping things up already. If you let him continue to mess with your head then trust me that a bit of insomnia will be the least of your problems.

Please let this be the last time you spoke to this guy as there's nothing of value to be intrigued by and thank all the evidence you now have that it didn't work out the first time around. It's a blessing, really.

Dan is a narcissist. He is no bargain, and a bit of a dullard because it is all about him, always. No decent woman would want him. He picks on women with low self esteem who don't see through his veil. You are one of many in his little black book. You can carry on being a doormat to men like Dan, and you will meet many...we all do. Or you can learn intelligent lessons from the Dan fling. We all meet a Dan in this life, and the wise learn and move on. You get validation from liking yourself, and liking yourself enough not to put up with rubbish drama from other people. Dan creates no value in your life, so block him on everything and keep him blocked. You have to learn to filter out users, abusers, cheaters and other people who are going to attempt to prey on you all their life. I bet Dan is a very boring dull person when he puts the drama and pulling at heart strings routine away. Imagine being Dan and having to draw in all these ladies to massage his ego...because he is vapid and missing something fundamental between the ears (a personality and sense of personal happiness not based on how much he pulls). He must be dull as dishwater if he feels some urge to create a hornets nest around himself all the time. Yawn...find a better man...or stay single until you work on your self confidence.

[quote Throwback24]**@Changechangychange* @TheChip*

My boyfriend knows that Dan has attempted to contact me and that I've accepted his friend request. He doesnt know anything else after that. Not by purpose but because if I told him I was talking to Dan he'd be like "okay so...?" Which was the exact initial reaction he had when I told him about Dan's reappearance into my life. It almost made me feel silly for saying anything in the first place when really.... there is nothing to say.

I am not getting any enjoyment from his flirting. I just like talking to him ( not the lines he drops they make me cringe so I chose to ignore them for everyones sake). It actually just as simple as that. We can talk for hours and it's fun.

Honestly this isn't a big deal for me at all it is only because I'll be seeing Emily and she has asked me before if Dan has messaged me which makes me consider telling her. Dont want to feel like I have to lie and keep things from a friend[/quote]
You told your boyfriend of the initial contact, but nothing further. The first initial contact wouldn't bother me, my OH spending hours talking to an ex, whole different story. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

Dan knows you're still " crushing on him". So do we. You are the only one who thinks you aren't. He's playing with you like a cat with a mouse. And that's about how much he cares. Sorry to break it to you but the mouse never wins. The best it can do is get away.

Your salient points without waffle :

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together

I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years

I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy

so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life

Surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it

Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something

He is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not

The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting)

So : you had a thing together in College, you were friends with benefits for years, you think he's sleazy, he has no boundaries with his stalking of you, you enjoy your conversations that take place when your Partner is asleep and none the wiser, you discuss whether you could have been a couple and discuss your feelings for one another, and he is very flirty with you.

Have you lost your marbles? You're having an emotional affair.

Let me ask you, if your Partner was chatting at midnight with a woman from his past, who he had had a thing with in College, who he had slept with for years, and he was enjoying their flirty conversations, that revolve around whether they could have been an item back in the day, and discuss his feelings for her, and her feelings for him, would you be happy with this?

It’s pretty clear reading this that you have absolutely no self esteem OP. No one with any self respect would entertain this pathetic and creepy nonsense for two minutes because they would be busy living their actual, adult life. Never mind risking losing their partner and father of their child! You don’t think there’s a difference between not ‘updating him on every move I make’ and keeping from him the fact that you sit up for hours at night talking to this man, listening to him making leery remarks at you and doing nothing other that coyly batting your eyelashes?! You’re telling us you don’t want his advances and get nothing out of this but that’s clearly total bollocks. Doesn’t it make your skin crawl?! I’m trying to be kind because no one in a good place would behave like you are unless they’re just flat out nasty, which I don’t believe you are. But sometimes we need to hear it like it is and you really need a sharp kick up the backside. You’re playing with fire here and sorry but you can’t convince me you aren’t loving every minute of the attention.

I know how this must come across on paper but I genuinely whole heartedly do not like him nor do I have a crush on him!!! I feel nothing towards him at all. If anything I'm a little bemused and find him abit pathetic that he thinks so highly of himself that he cant understand that someone actually doesnt like him. Imagine that! Again, it has been seven years since we last properly spoke I've had a baby and moved in with my partner since then. We have only spoken for a week so I'd say 3 times? I dont like him and couldnt even possibly like someone that quickly! He was horrible to me before and that's why I had cut him from my life and why he felt the need to apologise to me. I'm not that low in self esteem otherwise I would of just carried on pursuing him seven years ago. I didnt. I recognised I was worth more and that was that. It took me a long time to get there but I did. Now nearly a whole decade later I'm not going to hold a grudge on it. We weren't even in a relationship so I dont feel that deeply towards the situation anymore, I havent forgotten, I'm not stupid but I'm not still angry and bitter either. I'm not trying to validate or justify myself I'm just trying to explain the situation. It's just not that deep. As I said I will tell my partner about it tonight as I have nothing to hide from him. I haven't messaged "Dan" in 3 days and have ignored his last message. We arent talking that frequently. And in terms of people belittling Dan as a person believe it or not I actually believe he is only talking to me because he is lonely. He has moved half way up the country and doesnt know anyone. So he is reaching out for company. He has made it clear he is finding ldr's hard and I have tried to encourage him to be open to his partner about this as he claims to be in love with her regardless of their hardship. But "Dan" is actually very well liked by everyone. He isnt this sleazy douche you are all imagining. He constantly has people around him and lots of friend. He has been with his current gf for many years now and even spoke to me about marriage. No I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to paint the proper picture for everyone that he is actually very nice to people and I dont know if holding him on how he was when he was 18 is necessarily wise. We are all in our young twenties now.

@TrufflesAndToast I dont get anything out of his remarks! I take it is a joke on his behalf. If I remember correctly he was always abit of a flirt to everyone. It was in his nature and that's what charmed me in the first place back when I was a teenager. Now it does nothing for me because I'm older and can see it for what it is. I dont read in to it like I did when I was younger. I guess part of me also feels reassured by the fact there is distance between us. He cant be hitting me up for a quickie when we live 70 miles away from me so that rules out that intention. If he wanted a quickie he would be bothering girls local to him. Also I dont see this as jeprodising my relationship and losing my family? I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not flirting, I dont like him so it's not an emotional affair, quite a drastic statement considering I've spoken to the guy 3 times, and it's just talking. I talk to all my friends for hours when I'm on the phone. So it's just not that strange for me to talk to someone for a couple of hours... I just feel like from an outside in it's easy to read things that arent there. I'm not downplaying it but it really isnt that big of a thing that it's being interpreted to be.

I think you obviously enjoy the attention from Dan the dick the Dan. Telling Sarah Sandra or Susie would ease the guilt but spoil the fun...hmm choices!

I know how this must come across on paper but I genuinely whole heartedly do not like him

You slept with someone for years, that you didn't like?

He isnt this sleazy douche you are all imagining You actually called him sleazy and we took you at your word.

We are all in our young twenties now

I thought so. This kind of drama wrecked so many of mine and my friends relationships, when we were in our 20's. Focus on your Partner and your baby and stop even thinking about sleazy Dan.

You seem to be backtracking on what you originally said.

By the way, he will be messaging lots of women on the side. I've met this type before. When he's bored at night, he'll send out the same message to about 10 women, and see who bites. It's the scatter gun approach.

You both sound awful.
Using people to validate yourselves.

@ILoveJamaica I dont like him yes. I slept with him seven years ago!!! Why does that have to mean I like him now even though I've had no contact with him since?

Do you still like all your exs even the ones from ten years back or have you not moved on emotionally like anyone else would. Why is that so hard for everyone to believe

Because you're giving this other man so much head space. You're making it a "thing", wondering whether to tell Emily about it at the weekend. If it's nothing (as you are now saying), then there's nothing to "tell". I have an Ex who I was married to for 20 years. I don't talk to him, I don't think about him, he has 0% of my headspace. And I certainly wouldn't chat to him and ruminate over our past feelings at midnight when my lovely husband is asleep upstairs. NO WAY.

And, I fear that there could be something missing in your current relationship, for you to be doing this. If you are really in love with your Partner you would not have even spoken to Dan or cared why he was in touch.

If you’ve moved on and you don’t like him, then block him and move on with your life.

There have been guys like 'Dan' in my social circle before.
They sniff around every single woman they can, and you would be amazed how many shags they get just by pestering these women and making sure they are always available.

Don't be just another 'every hole is a goal' to this 'Dan'. walk away.

@ILoveJamaica

By the way, he will be messaging lots of women on the side. I've met this type before. When he's bored at night, he'll send out the same message to about 10 women, and see who bites. It's the scatter gun approach.

Yeah I've seen this too.