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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 01:11

OP: What do you think I should do?
MN: Stop talking to him.
OP: No, I don’t want to.

Not sure we can be of much further assistance.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 15/10/2021 01:20

@Buggritbuggrit

OP: What do you think I should do? MN: Stop talking to him. OP: No, I don’t want to.

Not sure we can be of much further assistance.

This 100%
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 01:32

@Buggritbuggrit I never said that in my op. My op is about telling our mutual friends about us talking. Not whether we should continue talking or not...

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/10/2021 01:37

Why would you do that? It seems like spite. You haven't even told your boyfriend you are talking to him

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 01:40

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall because I dont mind talking to Dan but it would only feel right, well for me, if Sarah knew. The fact that dan is delaying telling her is making me feel more uncomfortable about this. To me this can just be harmless mutual chit chat as long as he involves his girlfriend. As I said I dont want our mutual friend to think I've hidden anything from her or be the one to cause any issues. I literally just want to able to chat to him on the odd occasion.

OP posts:
Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 01:43

[quote Throwback24]@Buggritbuggrit I never said that in my op. My op is about telling our mutual friends about us talking. Not whether we should continue talking or not...[/quote]
Your OP quite literally ends with you asking us what we think you should do. We have looked at options A and B, as provided by you, and pretty much unanimously gone for a third option - we think you should stop speaking to him.

The fact that you are unwilling to even contemplate that as an option is rather telling. Anyway, you have been given the outside perspective you sought and what you decide to do with is obviously up to you. Good luck.

Peach01 · 15/10/2021 01:49

[quote Throwback24]@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall because I dont mind talking to Dan but it would only feel right, well for me, if Sarah knew. The fact that dan is delaying telling her is making me feel more uncomfortable about this. To me this can just be harmless mutual chit chat as long as he involves his girlfriend. As I said I dont want our mutual friend to think I've hidden anything from her or be the one to cause any issues. I literally just want to able to chat to him on the odd occasion.[/quote]
Is he really going to tell his girlfriend he exchanges flirtatious messages with someone he's had a thing with? This isn't harmless and I don't know in what works his girlfriend would want involvement in it.

You'll put your friend in a terrible position by telling her. It isn't fair. Don't involve anyone else in this, it's messy enough. Stop speaking to him and it'll solve the problem.

HollySass · 15/10/2021 01:54

You fancy him. He's playing you. It hurts deep down, it's uncomfortable. You want him to be uncomfortable too. That's what I see. The quick way out is to stop talking to him.

Also, I don't believe your partner is completely not fussed about you talking every other day to an ex fuck-buddy in a flirty way. Now, I've been with some very relationship liberal men (partner swapping liberal) but absolutely none would be fine with this.

Seafog · 15/10/2021 02:04

You know he is a shit.
You know he hasn't changed.
You said you don't get any thrill from the flirting, and it makes you cringe.
You already have a man and a baby to focus on, and have fun chats with. He could be the one you turn to.

You don't need to drag another friend into this. You know the right thing is to block and move on.
The only reason to keep it going is ego strokes for you both

timeisnotaline · 15/10/2021 02:05

[quote Throwback24]@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall because I dont mind talking to Dan but it would only feel right, well for me, if Sarah knew. The fact that dan is delaying telling her is making me feel more uncomfortable about this. To me this can just be harmless mutual chit chat as long as he involves his girlfriend. As I said I dont want our mutual friend to think I've hidden anything from her or be the one to cause any issues. I literally just want to able to chat to him on the odd occasion.[/quote]
Why do you not mind talking to Dan? He’s taking up time in your life that could be free for decent people. You really are buying into it all if you don’t just block and move on. He will always be this self centred shallow player who doesn’t care about women.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 15/10/2021 02:06

He is a gross sleaze. Yuck.

Derbee · 15/10/2021 02:44

I literally just want to able to chat to him on the odd occasion

But you don’t. You said you talk for hours, every couple of days. His gf wouldn’t be happy, and your bf probably wouldn’t be happy either if he knew the extent of it.

If you are happy in your relationship, why play with fire? You accept he’s sleazy, yet you continue your clandestine conversations. It’s all wrong imo, and someone (possibly more than one) is going to end up hurt.

CatonMat · 15/10/2021 02:56

Why would you enjoy talking to someone who says cringeworthy things?
Doesn't sound much fun.

JustKittenAround · 15/10/2021 03:16

Yeah OP stays wishing she can wiggle into the FWB spot again. Just lame.

You asked a question and you don’t like the answer. Oh well right?

Because you aren’t interested in anything. But drama. You seem to be one of those people.

Dude is shit. If you feel the need to tell someone about him then there is something to tell.

In this?

You are not special.

You are not unique.

But go on and talk to this guy. He is talking to all sorts of others. Yes. He. Is. But be one of the many and lie to yourself.

Just don’t come here asking for real advice and expect something else.

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 03:21

You should take a long hard look at yourself as you are chatting to him so as bad as him. Do not tell Emily, just tell him no more conversations and move on with your life as he is not going to leave Sarah for you. Not fair on his girlfriend, how would you like if you were dating someone and another woman kept talking to him in that manner and discussing what if and what not's. Move on and let them sort it out themselves.

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 03:29

Just read your update and you have a partner and a baby, please don't be chatting to him as you have history. You must have a very patient partner and how would you feel if he was spending time chatting to an ex. He is not the solution to any issues you have right now. Sorry to hear if things are tough but he is not the answer. Try to find other outlets or hobbies.

la709 · 15/10/2021 04:46

You obviously like his flirting, otherwise what do you like about him and why is it so fun to talk to him? Don’t lie to yourself. There is a reason Emily asked you, would you really lie to her for this scumbag?

Dontknowwhatsnext · 15/10/2021 05:27

So you have a long overly complicated past with him. You know what he is upto but still entertain it.

Sarah doesn't know AND you partner doesn't know......but you want it to get back to Sarah that you are talking. Whilst also leaving your own partner under the impression he request you on SM and that's it.

I take you wouldn't mind your partner messaging another women, that he has a past with and keeps getting involved with her, for hours and not telling you?

HeartsAndClubs · 15/10/2021 05:31

OP, there is no “talking to him in a strictly platonic way” here.

You have history, you have been a part of his previous breakups, now you are chatting and he’s lying to his gf and you’re enjoying talking to him.

He doesn’t see it as platonic even if you’re kidding yourself that you do. You have to block and delete, there is no friendship to be had here.

Shelddd · 15/10/2021 05:32

You definitely seem just as sleazy as he is. 100% equal partner is this. You want to tell her to make yourself feel better because you know you are culpable.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 15/10/2021 05:34

You are encouraging him by engaging with him.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 15/10/2021 05:42

Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, Hmm

Op, give Emily your phone so she can read the unfiltered message thread. She will clearly see Dan being inappropriate and testing your boundaries a little more each time, and see how disrespectful he is to his girlfriend. You will obviously come off, after she reads it all, as someone who is just having a neutral conversation with someone who has previously practically stalked you.

anonymousanne · 15/10/2021 06:00

Don't agree with you telling when you haven't even told your own partner. My husband is very laid back and would not be bothered if I told him an ex had added me on SM or whatever as he trusts me completely and isn't a jealous man... I think it would be completely different to telling my husband I engaged every few days with said person, enjoyed the conversation as I felt lonely and was unwilling to give up the conversation. Your fooling yourself and being dishonest by saying you haven't told your partner because there is nothing to tell.
Your equally in the wrong towards your partner and Dans gf. You obviously feel the content of the messages push boundaries (even if it's just him), or you wouldn't be here posting. Therefore by enabling it your just as bad. If you want to be honest I'd start with your partner. Tell him your lonely, explain to him what it is your getting from these messages. Try to work something out with your partner so these needs/wants can be fulfilled by him/you as a couple. Don't throw your family away for someone who's had the chance to be with you before when you were available and wasn't interested.
Your blurring the lines of what you think is acceptable within your relationship and you'd be kidding yourself to think you couldn't find yourself in this situation, or worse, again.

LoekMa · 15/10/2021 06:13

If you were my sister I would tell you, you seem starved for attention and will take it anywhere it comes, no matter how bad it is for you. You and Dan arent star crossed lovers, just drama addicts and you two nee to grow up

TrufflesAndToast · 15/10/2021 06:13

You’re being incredibly disloyal and disrespectful to your partner. Horribly so. I find it very hard to believe he would be as indifferent and uninterested in these long chats as you’re saying he would be. Sorry but you really don’t come across well here at all and I fully agree with others that you’re clearly thriving off the drama and his attention. You have a baby and a partner - are you not too busy for this sixth form nonsense?