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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 18:32

[quote Throwback24]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I'm not actively seeking anything from dan. I'm just addressing someones pps but I wouldnt say dan gives me any of those things either and I wouldnt turn to him for it[/quote]
So are you talking about then?
I can’t tell if you’re in denial or you’re immature and arguing for the sake of it.
You’re tying yourself up in knots here.

Tempusfudgeit · 15/10/2021 18:32

Sleazy guy is sleazy shock.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 18:33

Some people never learn.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TheChip · 15/10/2021 18:41

Have you decided whether you're going to tell Emily or not?

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:49

@TheChip I'm not really thinking about any of this at the moment. I'm abit overwhelmed with grief today

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 18:50

But to answer your question most likely not. I'm done with all of this

OP posts:
TheChip · 15/10/2021 18:52

Sorry to hear that Flowers
I think thats probably the right decision, to be done with it all. You've got more important things going on

frozendaisy · 15/10/2021 18:55

Oh he sounds like a right knob.

He's offered you the grand total of sweet FA.

If you want drama, say nothing to Emily but tell him you said he had recently got in touch. Let him freak out. Then block.

Any relationship that needs to be kept secret is not a relationship that should be happening. So there you go.

He doesn't want to be your boyfriend.
You don't want him as your boyfriend really can you imagine it every message you would be jumping to probably all to right boy player conclusions.

shinynewapple21 · 15/10/2021 19:05

This is so frustrating !! Like everyone else I have read and understand your OP . But you are asking the wrong question !! The question you need to be asking yourself is why on earth you are charring to this guy . You say you are not flirting with him, don't want a relationship of any kind with him but given your previous history with him, why would you want him as a friend ?

AgentJohnson · 15/10/2021 21:50

Nice try OP but no one is convinced about your supposed ’anti drama’ stance. Can you hear yourself? Pondering wether to contact the gf of a guy you obviously at some level, still feel a kind away about’ but are in denial about, is nuts. There’s nothing noble about your intentions here, admit it and address your issues, before you start pulling pins out of grenades.

If you want drama, get a Netflix subscription.

PinotPony · 15/10/2021 21:52

You don't like him, you don't enjoy the drama, you don't want anything from him.... So why are you chatting to him? Be honest. Is it flattering to have the attention? Especially when you're bored and a bit fed up with life?

You know you're just stroking this guy's ego, right? Even if you don't flirt and have no feelings for him, you're rewarding him by engaging in conversation.

Delete and block. Headache over.

user1481840227 · 16/10/2021 00:31

Many people would have a problem with their partners messaging former FWBs

And in this case Sarah would be completely right to have a problem with it, he has tried to cheat on her with you before and you two have now discussed if you could ever have been a thing, he's flirting with you.

You said he doesn't want to tell her in case she gets the wrong end of the stick....but she wouldn't be getting the wrong end of the stick. She would be getting the right end of the stick. There is flirting, reminiscing and it's inappropriate.

Honestly this isn't a big deal for me at all it is only because I'll be seeing Emily and she has asked me before if Dan has messaged me which makes me consider telling her. Dont want to feel like I have to lie and keep things from a friend
Well now if you're going to tell her then it's a lot more than him just messaging you, you've been chatting to her other best friends boyfriend and it's inappropriate which puts your friend in a very awkward position.

I just dont want to be involved in any wrong doings, but then again we do only chat every couple of days for abit so is that so wrong?

It's clearly wrong.
How would you feel if you found out your partner was messaging an ex FWB, who he had tried to cheat on you with previously and that he was flirting with her?

Ginger1982 · 16/10/2021 14:04

@Throwback24

You dont sound any better dear. Picking on a 20 year old, how old are? And on a Friday night why dont you have anything better to do 🤷‍♀️
You're not 20.
Throwback24 · 16/10/2021 14:07

@Ginger1982 oh someone now telling me my age. How rich 😂 please tell me how old I am and my name and my address whilst your at it

OP posts:
puddlebubble · 16/10/2021 14:26

you way overthink stuff OP, I have a friend like you, you are doing yourself no favours, he still sees you as a viable shag, NOT the love of his life that he has missed the boat on, just someone he can eventually manipulate and someone who is good enough for now. Stop it.

user1481840227 · 16/10/2021 14:27

@Throwback24
you said you met him in college and the FWB arrangement went on for years after college and that he's been with Sarah for years

ILoveJamaica · 16/10/2021 15:27

He comes home and sit on his phone listening to livestreans and shuts me out. I dont bother talking most the time. we deal with the baby then he is in bed by 9 and I sit downstairs alone contemplating how it all went so wrong in my life

It now makes a bit more sense to me, why you would be talking to another guy.

Ginger1982 · 16/10/2021 17:18

[quote Throwback24]@Ginger1982 oh someone now telling me my age. How rich 😂 please tell me how old I am and my name and my address whilst your at it[/quote]
You're the one who claimed to be 20 🤷🏼‍♀️

Garriet · 16/10/2021 17:37

[quote user1481840227]@Throwback24
you said you met him in college and the FWB arrangement went on for years after college and that he's been with Sarah for years[/quote]
I reported this thread a while ago for the exact same issues around timeline…

Derbee · 16/10/2021 18:04

@Throwback24 your story doesn’t really add up, unless you’re exaggerating somewhere about length of time you were involved, or your current age

Throwback24 · 16/10/2021 19:44

@Garriet I really dont know why you are bothering to report this thread. It's done with now and concluded. I said I've stopped talking to the guy and I have. I told my partner today and he said to ignore him. Sorted. If you want and it makes you happier I can ask mns to take it down ?

OP posts:
Derbee · 16/10/2021 20:28

@Throwback24 people report threads they think are started by trolls. Or that seem like made up nonsense because things don’t add up. They’re well within their rights to

Derbee · 16/10/2021 20:29

Also, IF this is true, telling your partner was almost certainly minimising. I doubt you showed him all the messages

ILoveJamaica · 17/10/2021 07:50

I reported this thread a while ago for the exact same issues around timeline…

Good grief, it's like being at school. "I've told the Teacher on you" Why people report threads is beyond me, it's pathetic.

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