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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 15/10/2021 12:11

How old are you?

Peach01 · 15/10/2021 12:15

No, no and NO! The conversation is only mutual on my part. I was being true when I say I cringe when he drops the random flirtatious line but that's it

This should not be happening when both of you are in relationships. If he crosses a line you need to do something about it. Even if you're not flirting with him, it's still wrong. You're choosing to keep the lines of communication open with someone who is behaving inappropriately.
You have a romantic history, he flirts with you and you're continuing to develop a "friendship" with him where you're in regular contact. I wonder how you would feel if your DP was doing this.

The fact he flirts is an indication that he has little to no respect for his own relationship or yours. It's disrespectful to you. Both of you are being disrespectful to your OHs. You can't control what comes out of his mouth but you can control your part in it all. If you continue to let him have his cake and eat it he'll know no boundaries.

Bonbon21 · 15/10/2021 12:19

You are BOTH playing games.
You have a partner and a child with him.
You need to grow up and live in the real world.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/10/2021 12:21

Once a sleaze, always a sleaze, he's just got better with conversations.

I'd not bother telling Sarah, but I would block him for good this time and tell him that if he ever contacts you again you WILL tell Sarah

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 12:22

@Throwback24

I know how this must come across on paper but I genuinely whole heartedly do not like him nor do I have a crush on him!!! I feel nothing towards him at all. If anything I'm a little bemused and find him abit pathetic that he thinks so highly of himself that he cant understand that someone actually doesnt like him. Imagine that! Again, it has been seven years since we last properly spoke I've had a baby and moved in with my partner since then. We have only spoken for a week so I'd say 3 times? I dont like him and couldnt even possibly like someone that quickly! He was horrible to me before and that's why I had cut him from my life and why he felt the need to apologise to me. I'm not that low in self esteem otherwise I would of just carried on pursuing him seven years ago. I didnt. I recognised I was worth more and that was that. It took me a long time to get there but I did. Now nearly a whole decade later I'm not going to hold a grudge on it. We weren't even in a relationship so I dont feel that deeply towards the situation anymore, I havent forgotten, I'm not stupid but I'm not still angry and bitter either. I'm not trying to validate or justify myself I'm just trying to explain the situation. It's just not that deep. As I said I will tell my partner about it tonight as I have nothing to hide from him. I haven't messaged "Dan" in 3 days and have ignored his last message. We arent talking that frequently. And in terms of people belittling Dan as a person believe it or not I actually believe he is only talking to me because he is lonely. He has moved half way up the country and doesnt know anyone. So he is reaching out for company. He has made it clear he is finding ldr's hard and I have tried to encourage him to be open to his partner about this as he claims to be in love with her regardless of their hardship. But "Dan" is actually very well liked by everyone. He isnt this sleazy douche you are all imagining. He constantly has people around him and lots of friend. He has been with his current gf for many years now and even spoke to me about marriage. No I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to paint the proper picture for everyone that he is actually very nice to people and I dont know if holding him on how he was when he was 18 is necessarily wise. We are all in our young twenties now.
If you dont like him then dont talk to him Ffs how simple can it be??
anonymousanne · 15/10/2021 12:23

You do seem to be backtracking OP. Now your saying these messages have only been happening for a week and only on 3 occasions. So, if it's so infrequent and innocent I'm genuinely confused as to why you were even going to let's Dan's girlfriend know? Potentially destroying their relationship? Again, tell all you like... after you've told your own partner. If it's been a week, 3 times, I'd personally just draw a line under it, reflect on it. and think about what I'd do differently next time! 'It's been lovely catching up, good luck with your new job, all the best'. Then ignore all future contact and find something else to distract you at 12am

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 12:23

I mean all of you here are telling me Dan's girlfriend doesnt need to know but are pushing me to tell my own partner? Yet I'm the one trying to cause drama out of nothing

OP posts:
katieg03 · 15/10/2021 12:24

So if your bf was having secret lat night conversations with someon he'd slept with you'd be fine with it?

You know this guy is a shit and you are just making yourself available to be sloppy seconds in his relationships. He reckons you are a dead cert. You are entertaining him, every time.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 12:24

Are you on a wind up OP?
Is this scenario actually real or are you just a bit bored?

BrilloPaddy · 15/10/2021 12:26

You're no better.

Does your DP know either?

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 12:26

@anonymousanne that is precisely my thinking. On one hand this isnt really anything note worthy because we have only spoken here and there for a week. If it was just that I would of not even bothered to think about it. But because of the one liners he says sometimes I feel like if my mutual friend emily does ask that I shouldnt lie. I just hate being put in this position.

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 12:27

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce no I'm not that sad of a person to make believe online to a bunch of strangers. Given I am bored, which also comes into play as to why I spoke to Dan but I'm not lying about this.

OP posts:
Angrynellie · 15/10/2021 12:28

Why are you even entertaining this guy? As sure as eggs are eggs one day he’ll cross the line and try to get FWB back up and running again.
You even said it yourself - he’s a sleaze!

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 12:30

@Angrynellie he couldnt even if he wanted to. He lives half a country away from me. If that was even in the realm of possibility I would of never spoke to him

OP posts:
Skinnymuffins · 15/10/2021 12:32

Why are you entertaining this? Are you lonely also to be spending your time with this rat?

Deal with that while blocking him out of your life.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 12:33

[quote Throwback24]@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce no I'm not that sad of a person to make believe online to a bunch of strangers. Given I am bored, which also comes into play as to why I spoke to Dan but I'm not lying about this.[/quote]
You sure about that??

Angrynellie · 15/10/2021 12:36

[quote Throwback24]@Angrynellie he couldnt even if he wanted to. He lives half a country away from me. If that was even in the realm of possibility I would of never spoke to him[/quote]
How far is half a country? For me that’s 200 miles. Hardly to the moon and back is it?
You’ve started the thread and lots of us are saying he’s sounds like bad news, you just seem to want someone to validate you continuing the contact for you.

Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 12:46

@Throwback24

I know how this must come across on paper but I genuinely whole heartedly do not like him nor do I have a crush on him!!! I feel nothing towards him at all. If anything I'm a little bemused and find him abit pathetic that he thinks so highly of himself that he cant understand that someone actually doesnt like him. Imagine that! Again, it has been seven years since we last properly spoke I've had a baby and moved in with my partner since then. We have only spoken for a week so I'd say 3 times? I dont like him and couldnt even possibly like someone that quickly! He was horrible to me before and that's why I had cut him from my life and why he felt the need to apologise to me. I'm not that low in self esteem otherwise I would of just carried on pursuing him seven years ago. I didnt. I recognised I was worth more and that was that. It took me a long time to get there but I did. Now nearly a whole decade later I'm not going to hold a grudge on it. We weren't even in a relationship so I dont feel that deeply towards the situation anymore, I havent forgotten, I'm not stupid but I'm not still angry and bitter either. I'm not trying to validate or justify myself I'm just trying to explain the situation. It's just not that deep. As I said I will tell my partner about it tonight as I have nothing to hide from him. I haven't messaged "Dan" in 3 days and have ignored his last message. We arent talking that frequently. And in terms of people belittling Dan as a person believe it or not I actually believe he is only talking to me because he is lonely. He has moved half way up the country and doesnt know anyone. So he is reaching out for company. He has made it clear he is finding ldr's hard and I have tried to encourage him to be open to his partner about this as he claims to be in love with her regardless of their hardship. But "Dan" is actually very well liked by everyone. He isnt this sleazy douche you are all imagining. He constantly has people around him and lots of friend. He has been with his current gf for many years now and even spoke to me about marriage. No I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to paint the proper picture for everyone that he is actually very nice to people and I dont know if holding him on how he was when he was 18 is necessarily wise. We are all in our young twenties now.
You’ve written multiple walls of impassioned text trying to convince strangers online that ‘it’s not that deep’. This would indicate that it is that deep.

I genuinely don’t know what you want to achieve, here. You asked for opinions and you’ve been given them by many many people. You clearly don’t like what we’re saying, but arguing isn’t going to change anyone’s mind.

We’re actually trying to help, so tell us - taking into account the responses you’ve received thus far - what’s your ideal outcome from this post?

JustAnotherPoster00 · 15/10/2021 12:48

I just hate being put in this position.

She says while continuing contact and not blocking Grin Grin

Magicpaintbrush · 15/10/2021 12:48

Don't you have any self respect OP? You know this guy is taken, you know he's a sleazy pig, and yet you've let yourself be sucked back into his life when you know he's bad news. You know his GF would be hurt by all this - and yes, the blame should lie with him mainly but by entertaining his attention you are complicit in this inappropriate 'friendship' which will needlessly hurt another woman.

You sound really immature - your post reads like a 15 year old's diary entry. The best thing to do would be to go no contact with this creep and don't let him play you for a fool by letting him think he can charm his way back into your bed if he's persistent enough. You can do better surely - he is disgusting. It might make you feel special to have this male attention - but honestly, from a guy like that, he sounds like a teflon man, he won't stick to anyone for long before he's sniffing around someone new. Yuck.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 12:51

@JustAnotherPoster00

I just hate being put in this position.

She says while continuing contact and not blocking Grin Grin

Don't forget that she doesn't like him either
ArranMumma · 15/10/2021 12:53

You and Dan sound like lazy, selfish people. Neither of you are happy with your own life and are using each other to pass the time / have a little drama in your life. What’s causing you to talk to a man you had a fling with when both of you are in a relation? Loneliness? Boredom? Find out the root cause and then take positive steps to tackle that e.g get a hobby / spend time with your good friends / work on your relationship.

todaysdilemma · 15/10/2021 12:58

WTF have I just read!!!

OP, you are incredibly self absorbed and also selfish. You have been back and forth with this man you have shagged, flirted with, gotten into all sorts of drama with for YEARS. You 100% know that he isn't interested in a 'friendship' at all - and even if you aren't 'flirting back', it is WRONG to talk to someone you know has a sexual interest in you. Late at night. When everyone else is asleep.

If you're lonely, isolated, insomniac, whatever - find solutions to them that don't involve chatting regularly to a sleazebag who is trying to get you into bed. FFS. What you're looking for is validation from Sarah that you can carry on talking with this idiot, and that everything is ok and above board just because you aren't shagging him. That is the only reason you want him to tell her. Otherwise you would have refused to talk to him until he told his wife and refused to be a part of his infidelity.

You have got to get a life, OP. Hobbies, interests, other friends, something, anything so you're not lonely and craving the company of this complete sleaze bag loser. This is not a good place in life to be, and I hope you realise that - this is a low point for you. He is smart enough to know you are lonely and vulnerable, that's why you put up with him, and you're going to end up emotionally dependent on him soon enough.

So just stop contact with him. Focus on building a life for yourself where you're only refuge isn't some loser, and you can enjoy your baby and your relationship.

Beachcomber · 15/10/2021 12:59

If you don't like him and you hate the position these conversations have put you in then just stop.

You don't owe him a conversation.
And the conversation you are having sounds like an emotional affair. Him being far away is part of that.

You have 2 options. Either you stop this nonsense or you carry on having an emotional affair.

As you can see the overwhelming advice here is to stop and direct your energy into yourself in ways that will help you to grow as a person.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/10/2021 13:02

@WhoWearsShortShorts

Show your partner the messages you've been sending to this other man and let him decide if he's OK with it. Nobody I know would be OK with what you're doing. If you're lonely then lean into your partner for support, don't turn to some rando
This. Show your boyfriend and gauge from his reaction whether this is an innocent friendship or not.

It isn't, but you maybe won't admit that until you realise you wouldn't show your boyfriend the messages. Because deep down you know it's not something you should be doing.

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