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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his gf about us?

202 replies

Throwback24 · 14/10/2021 23:29

Okay to avoid drip feed here is the background context:

Me and guy, call him Dan, met in college and had a thing together. I found out he had a gf at the time and demanded he told her he was playing us both otherwise I would. Apparently he "did it", said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself blah blah. Move on to sometime later he broke up with her started pestering me, I fell for it out of curiosity and we became a fwbs. This went on for years after college until he eventually got a proper girlfriend, call her Sarah. Me and Dan ended on bad terms and I cut him out from my life.

A couple of years later Dan popped back up on the scene and started talking to me briefly and asked me if I wanted to come down to his university house even though he was still with Sarah. I was fuming that so much time had passed and he was yet still the same sleazy guy, he quickly tried to retract his statement and we stopped talking.

Which brings us to the present - so throughout the past two years Dan has been adamant on trying to get back into my life. Sending friend requests on everything, pretending to be someone else through a friends social media account to talk to me, ringing on private number. Eventually very recently I gave in as I wanted to know what he was being so persistent about. We got to talking and he tried to apologise for the way things went down in the past. I had planned to just hear him out then block him but surprisingly we both have really nice conversations and to be honest I enjoy it. He is still with sarah. Both me and sarah have a mutual best friend Emily. So here is the thing. Me and Dan have been talking and he has been asking lots of do you think we could of been a thing, did you ever feel something questions. Which I guess is fine as I did ask him if he ever liked me out of genuine curiosity. But he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me ect comments. I let it go over my head and dont entertain it. I asked him if Sarah knew we were chatting and he said he would tell her. He still hasnt. He has now suddenly changed his tune and said he doesnt want to tell her incase she gets the wrong end of the stick, but he will eventually. In the meantime he has asked (the cheek of him!) That I keep it a secret. The deja vu is real.

I wonder if and keep going on back on forth as to whether our conversations are inappropriate or not. I think the thing that makes me feel like they are is because A.) He hasnt told his gf and B.) He has moved far away and is in a ldr with her and constantly goes on about how lonely he is and how he is doubting things. But that he is happily in love with her and they are going strong (confusing much)

So my issue is I'm due to see Emily this weekend and I'm in two minds as to whether I should tell her or not. Part of me thinks no because I dont want to be involved in any drama, ther other reason is I could tell her and nothing could come of it. I have a strong feeling sarah knows what Dan is like and will do nothing about it so all it will do is hurt her. The other part of me thinks I should because obviously this is abit wrong (the not so subtle flirting) and I dont owe him anything to be keeping secrets.

What do you think I should do? Sorry for the long read but thanks if you have got this far!

OP posts:
TrueRefuge · 15/10/2021 13:08

Oh, just block him and get him out your life for good. I get that some people have a hold on us, but he is toxic and sleazy, and for what it's worth I don't think he sees you as a friend at all, so while you say you just enjoy chatting, I don't think that's the case for him. He is using you, and you're letting him.

Let him go, and focus on other things in your life! Take all this mental energy and put it somewhere positive, rather than spending it on a douche who isn't worth it!

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 13:17

@youvegottenminuteslynn I will be showing him just not tonight.

@TrueRefuge I dont really see what he could be using from me just through chatting here and there? If anything I think we are using each other for abit of chit chat and company

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 15/10/2021 13:18

mmmm I am reading you think Dan is the sleazy one with poor morals but you keep engaging with him when you know he is in relationships. I think you need to look inside yourself. I am not sure you are on moral high ground.
Cut him out of your life and use the time to establish a healthy relationship with someone worthwhile.

Beachcomber · 15/10/2021 13:24

The first thing you n to do is try to be honest with yourself.

Your posts here are a mass of contradictions.

Derbee · 15/10/2021 13:40

I mean all of you here are telling me Dan's girlfriend doesnt need to know but are pushing me to tell my own partner? Yet I'm the one trying to cause drama out of nothing

Why do you think it’s morally right for his girlfriend to know, but not your partner? Honesty with your partner is your business, Dan’s girlfriend is not your business.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 14:08

I still think it's all made up

Trying your hand at a bit of Chick Lit OP?

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 14:21

Next he'll be pulling up outside your house in a soft top sports car with a large overfriendly dog called Barney and whisking you off for a pub lunch and a walk round the village antique shops, you'll bump into his Mother, he'll introduce you, you'll giggle and give her an awkward double kiss. Then Barney will be dragging you over to the duck pond, you'll both look at each other and giggle.....yada yada yada

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 14:23

Or, you'll tell 'Sarah' or whatever her name is, she'll offer you a glass of Pinot and some olives. You'll sit opposite each other on Habitat 2 seater sofas with accent, karate chopped cushions and she will want to know EV ERY THING! From the start... yada yada yada

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 14:27

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce are you okay are you on something 😂

OP posts:
Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 14:28

[quote Throwback24]@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce are you okay are you on something 😂[/quote]
I'm fine thanks 🙂

goingslowfornow · 15/10/2021 14:32

Please have some respect for yourself. And some self awareness.

It will end badly but I suspect you know that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/10/2021 14:33

You said you'll show your boyfriend but not tonight?

Is that so you have time to delete some of your messages perchance?

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 14:33

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce and fyi I have many ideal scenarios for my life that I would like to pan out...none include whatever that was you just wrote. I really couldnt care less if he was in my life like that...I have much bigger things going on at the moment

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 14:34

@youvegottenminuteslynn no if you must know because its wave of light tonight and I will be lighting a candle for my baby and most likely spend the whole night crying. But you keep the snide remarks coming hope it makes you feel great about yourself

OP posts:
TheChip · 15/10/2021 14:34

Why would Emily randomly ask if you and Dan are chatting again?

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 14:35

And that's it now folks. I'm out before this thread turns unnecessarily nasty. Dont know what it is about mns and why people just cant resist making sure a thread turns out this way. Bye

OP posts:
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 15/10/2021 14:36

He is quite clearly a lying cheating sleaze who rates himself & likes to have you on an elastic band when he gets bored.

Block all contact and get on with your own lovely life. Be grateful you haven't fallen for his crap.

Honestly you sound like you've already moved on. Best wishes in your new relationship & bubba xxx

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 14:41

Hmmmmm bye Grin

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/10/2021 14:42

[quote Throwback24]@youvegottenminuteslynn no if you must know because its wave of light tonight and I will be lighting a candle for my baby and most likely spend the whole night crying. But you keep the snide remarks coming hope it makes you feel great about yourself[/quote]
I'm so sorry, I couldn't have possibly known that and obviously wouldn't have said that if I had any idea. Sorry for your loss Thanks

ChargingBuck · 15/10/2021 15:02

said I ruined his relationship asked if I was happy with myself

So ... two-timed his g/f, but it was your fault & YOU were the one that ruined his relationship?

& now he's back, & making cringeworthy pronouncements like he is also very flirty, lots of I know you are still crushing on me while claiming to be in love with Sarah ... & you are STILL falling for his bullshit?

I think you should butt out.
You should certainly not tell Emily - how unfair to drag a third party into it. You haven't actually crossed a line with Dan yet, so what's the point?

Meanwhile, block Dan. If he circumvents the block, tell him to leave you alone because you are not interested. Mean it. Let go of the drama FFS.
And then stop wasting your time on sleazy, attached men.

Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 15:03

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce I’m in hysterics! 😂

ChargingBuck · 15/10/2021 15:07

@Throwback24

I know how this must come across on paper but I genuinely whole heartedly do not like him nor do I have a crush on him!!! I feel nothing towards him at all. If anything I'm a little bemused and find him abit pathetic that he thinks so highly of himself that he cant understand that someone actually doesnt like him. Imagine that! Again, it has been seven years since we last properly spoke I've had a baby and moved in with my partner since then. We have only spoken for a week so I'd say 3 times? I dont like him and couldnt even possibly like someone that quickly! He was horrible to me before and that's why I had cut him from my life and why he felt the need to apologise to me. I'm not that low in self esteem otherwise I would of just carried on pursuing him seven years ago. I didnt. I recognised I was worth more and that was that. It took me a long time to get there but I did. Now nearly a whole decade later I'm not going to hold a grudge on it. We weren't even in a relationship so I dont feel that deeply towards the situation anymore, I havent forgotten, I'm not stupid but I'm not still angry and bitter either. I'm not trying to validate or justify myself I'm just trying to explain the situation. It's just not that deep. As I said I will tell my partner about it tonight as I have nothing to hide from him. I haven't messaged "Dan" in 3 days and have ignored his last message. We arent talking that frequently. And in terms of people belittling Dan as a person believe it or not I actually believe he is only talking to me because he is lonely. He has moved half way up the country and doesnt know anyone. So he is reaching out for company. He has made it clear he is finding ldr's hard and I have tried to encourage him to be open to his partner about this as he claims to be in love with her regardless of their hardship. But "Dan" is actually very well liked by everyone. He isnt this sleazy douche you are all imagining. He constantly has people around him and lots of friend. He has been with his current gf for many years now and even spoke to me about marriage. No I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to paint the proper picture for everyone that he is actually very nice to people and I dont know if holding him on how he was when he was 18 is necessarily wise. We are all in our young twenties now.
This is an enormous amount of headspace to give a guy you don't have a crush on.

You know he hasn't told Sarah you are chatting.
So take responsibility yourself - & stop the chats. Because he won't. And you will end up being painted as the one in the wrong. Just like he did when you were teenagers.

Thatsplentyjack · 15/10/2021 15:14

J thi k you should stop being so "genuinely curious" Hmm, and move on. How many years has this been going on? All sounds a bit pathetic.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 15/10/2021 15:33

[quote Buggritbuggrit]@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce I’m in hysterics! 😂[/quote]
🤭

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 16:28

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce why dont you move on about your day. And i thought I was the bored one yet you seem to find most of your enjoyment on a quote on quote "fake thread". What does that say about you dear

OP posts:
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