Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

whyamidoingthisamimad · 2021-10-14T14:55:48+00:00

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

Grumpasaurus · 14/10/2021 16:34

No advice. Same situation. We decided to open the marriage. Unsurprisingly he hasn't bothered. It has helped but I still want out I think!

Original poster

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 16:38

See I didn't mention it before and he wasn't keen and said he'd try harder. Still in the same predicament

OP posts:

Smeggy1982 · 14/10/2021 16:41

Hello, looking for advice as to AIBU regarding new relationship
Long story short, i left the father of my children 4 months ago due to his past cheating,and also having nothing in common,not having sex,and being unhappy in the relationship for a long time.
We were together for 5 years, im 31 and he is 25
I did not want to talk things through or try to fix anything, i wanted out and made this clear.
He moved out of the home a week later.

I have had a friend for years who attended the same hobby club as me,and we got talking more outside of the club and started doing things in our own personal time,which then lead to alot more he is 36.
This has been going on for 8 weeks now and there is alot of chemistry,ive met his family and friends, things have escalated pretty quickly.
Im now terrified of telling my family about this new relationship,my mother is very against me leaving my children's father and getting into another relationship,she wanted me to work through things and fix the relationship,dosnt see why i would be interested in even dating when i have a perfectly good man there i could get back with etc, and assumes that i will be single for a long time.
We were going to wait until the new year to tell my mother, but she might still not be happy about it then?
What should i do?

Livandme · 14/10/2021 16:47

Op, how old are you both? This would impact my advice. I was early 40's I didn't stay.

Original poster

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 16:49

I'm 41. He's 52

OP posts:

Livandme · 14/10/2021 16:58

Id put your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. If you've tried everything. Talking, counselling, dating etc and there's no improvement id be suggesting to separate. I lost a lot of respect for the ex as he wouldnt talk or offer any explanation. It was a sad and lonely time as it eats away at your confidence.
Although I have no new partner it's a different kind of loneliness.

If your partner makes you laugh, he has your back, you can communicate well etc I wouldn't be so hasty to leave but only you can decide what is your baseline. Good luck

Marrple · 14/10/2021 18:40

The only thing in your control is what you do about it. He won’t change, they never do if it’s been going on for years. In fact it will get worse if that’s possible.

Pinappleonpizza · 15/10/2021 11:55

I often wish I had left when the problems started.

Ours started with him losing interest. If I hugged him at bed time he would tell me to get off as he didn’t want sex, or in general just made excuses to not have sex. Eventually got to the point where I stopped trying due to the rejection. He was then annoyed that I stopped making an effort with him, and couldn’t understand what the rejection had done to me. We hardly ever spoke about it - it was too awkward and he always said there wasn’t an issue he was just stressed/tired/I had been nagging etc.

Anyway - we have just carried on for years, and now it’s worse than ever. We now have sex once every month or two and it’s rubbish. Always exactly the same and over in minutes. There is no other physical relationship either really - odd peck before he leaves for work.

It’s been around 10 years since our issues started. Probably around 5 years since it got to the point it is at now and has stayed at. Both in early/mid 30s.

How long has it been for you? What have you tried? Is he willing to talk about it? How is the rest of your relationship?

Pollywants · 15/10/2021 16:45

We are starting divorce proceedings now but were married 20 years. Before marriage he was very affectionate, lots of sex, then as soon as marriage happened sex went downhill.
Confronted him about it over the years but as I always had low self esteem I stayed with him. He always denied any problems, wouldn't address the issue. Really crushed my ego to the point I have not dated at all since separated.
I am absolutely convinced he tricked me into marriage because he is either gay or a narcissist. I was very pretty when I was young so there was no reason for him to reject intimacy like he did early in the marriage.

He wants to finalize a divorce now. I am curious what is the sex of the person he has hooked up with...

Original poster

whyamidoingthisamimad · 15/10/2021 18:12

@Pinappleonpizza

I often wish I had left when the problems started.

Ours started with him losing interest. If I hugged him at bed time he would tell me to get off as he didn’t want sex, or in general just made excuses to not have sex. Eventually got to the point where I stopped trying due to the rejection. He was then annoyed that I stopped making an effort with him, and couldn’t understand what the rejection had done to me. We hardly ever spoke about it - it was too awkward and he always said there wasn’t an issue he was just stressed/tired/I had been nagging etc.

Anyway - we have just carried on for years, and now it’s worse than ever. We now have sex once every month or two and it’s rubbish. Always exactly the same and over in minutes. There is no other physical relationship either really - odd peck before he leaves for work.

It’s been around 10 years since our issues started. Probably around 5 years since it got to the point it is at now and has stayed at. Both in early/mid 30s.

How long has it been for you? What have you tried? Is he willing to talk about it? How is the rest of your relationship?

Def probs with lack of sex/him sleeping on sofa since our second child which was about 14 years ago. He refuses to try counselling etc. Won't take viagra or anything.

OP posts:

JackieOGlasses · 15/10/2021 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pky45 · 15/10/2021 18:42

Opposite end of the same boat, been together for 20 + years, wife has now completely gone of sex, probably done it 2 or 3 times in the last 5 years

CannonCaboodle · 20/10/2021 08:37

Can I join? Feel ashamed acknowledging it but my husband hasn’t come near me for the past year. We’ve been married almost nine years now. It was never good to begin with to be honest. Even on our honeymoon he seemed disinterested- I really wish I saw the writing on the wall back then. Instead I went on to have kids with him. Obviously things have gotten worse. I’m not sure if he might be asexual, but he uses porn, I’ve found it on his phone, so he obviously does want sex, just not with me 😔
I’m not sure how to proceed or what my options are. I’ve considered opening the marriage but he’s not on the same page. I know he will never change though, our libidos are totally different, but I feel like I’m languishing away and it’s leading to a lot of resentment. I also feel he’s used me to get kids (he was eager to have sex when trying to conceive!) and that I’ve wasted my youth with him. Sad, because he’s a great dad and at one point I would have said my life partner, but now I’m so resentful that I can’t think of anything nice about him. Any advice would be very welcome.

Frazzles99 · 20/10/2021 10:53

After nearly 2 decades of relationship and the last decade of non-existence sex I have left.... finally!!!
Best thing I've ever done. Totally crushed my self esteem to the point where I'm now terrified that if I start a new relationship I won't know what to do anymore?!
I use to be so adventurous and carefree with sex. Always willing to try anything and initiate new things but now after constant rejection, loss of (his) erection partway through etc I feel useless.......
Trust me, it will NEVER get any better and I wish I'd left a decade ago. You need to decide whether the rest of relationship is worth the lack of intimacy and closeness which ultimately is what differentiates a friendship from a relationship....

19Bears · 20/10/2021 11:38

I am stuck like this too. 10 years 8 months, nothing. Not even kissing, cuddling, touching. And I'm a bloody sexy fit woman in my prime!!! I am wasting my life and am so resentful now, I just want out.

But. Two kids to think of, house, wider family etc. Add to that I am far too soft and accommodating, and will put the whole population of the world ahead of myself, I find myself just drifting along.

I also suspect that he wanted the wife and kids lifestyle, and once he got it, he didn't have to put the effort in anymore. @CannonCaboodle same here, I should have seen the writing on the wall when we didn't touch each other on our wedding night, I felt like I was harrassing him on honeymoon, I arranged a night at our wedding venue for our first anniversary, nothing.

@Frazzles99 I agree, as my counsellor also pointed out, a relationship without sex and intimacy is only a friendship. Dh was really offended at this, but how can he argue otherwise??!

It's soul destroying. to everyone in this mess x

Frazzles99 · 20/10/2021 11:47

@19Bears

I am stuck like this too. 10 years 8 months, nothing. Not even kissing, cuddling, touching. And I'm a bloody sexy fit woman in my prime!!! I am wasting my life and am so resentful now, I just want out.

But. Two kids to think of, house, wider family etc. Add to that I am far too soft and accommodating, and will put the whole population of the world ahead of myself, I find myself just drifting along.

I also suspect that he wanted the wife and kids lifestyle, and once he got it, he didn't have to put the effort in anymore. @CannonCaboodle same here, I should have seen the writing on the wall when we didn't touch each other on our wedding night, I felt like I was harrassing him on honeymoon, I arranged a night at our wedding venue for our first anniversary, nothing.

@Frazzles99 I agree, as my counsellor also pointed out, a relationship without sex and intimacy is only a friendship. Dh was really offended at this, but how can he argue otherwise??!

It's soul destroying. to everyone in this mess x

You will eventually snap!!! I too think I'm a good looking, fun loving, sexy woman and any man should think himself bloody lucky to see me naked!!! I want to be adored!!! Yet, I've been put on the shelf and ultimately kept under the lock and key of a relationship. IMO it is a form of abuse; you can't have sex with me but equally you're not allowed to get it anywhere else either. You can only leave when you're brave enough to do so and not a moment before. One thing I will promise you though is that there's not a single person I know that has ever regretted leaving a sexless marriage. The unanimous opinion is that they all said they'd wished they done it sooner!!! Xx

CannonCaboodle · 20/10/2021 11:48

@19Bears

I’m in the same boat. Two kids and a baby, house, cars, wider family… It’s so hurtful and frustrating, he knows I would never leave him because I don’t want to break up an otherwise ok marriage and hurt our kids.
Have you ever broached the topic of an open marriage?

19Bears · 20/10/2021 12:13

@CannonCaboodleI think he is doing this too - he 'knows' I'll never leave and that I'll always put family first, so he's pretty much ignoring everything I've said to him about how unhappy I am. And no, it's not an open marriage I want. It's a real adult relationship I want and have not had for so many years. I can't stand the man after the years of drip drip drip of disappointment. I could have lamped him yesterday. He's wfh and just makes everything really hard work, repeating over and over again "Ohhhh, I'm so confused, sigh, so confused..." I just want him out so me and the kids can have some peace. On top of not being able to sleep with his constant snoring...... argh.
Yes @Frazzles99 it is like being in prison. Trapped in a marriage with no sex, and not able to get it elsewhere.

CannonCaboodle · 21/10/2021 09:16

@19Bears
I don’t really want an open marriage either. I can’t imagine violating our marriage vows and taking a lover, or sharing my body with someone who isn’t my husband, but I’m now so physically lonely that the thought has crossed my mind a lot these days.

SunflowerTed · 21/10/2021 09:26

You only have one life and sometimes you have to think of your own happiness. A friend of mine was in this situation and she agonized before leaving, not wanting to disrupt her kids and her lifestyle. Not having to sit night after night with a stranger on separate sofas, no conversation, zero sex she took the leap and left. It was hard at the time but everyone has moved on and are all much much happier!!

19Bears · 21/10/2021 10:12

@SunflowerTed I really try hard to keep this in mind, it's hard at the start, but people move on. All the friends I have who have separated are now so much happier and don't regret their decision for a minute. I wish I could stop catastrophising and just get on with it.

19Bears · 21/10/2021 10:20

I sometimes just feel like I'm imagining the whole thing and that I have this fantasy image in my head of a new life away from the misery. Last night he was on the phone to his mum, happy as Larry, having an in depth discussion about Strictly, laughing about stuff, and I'm standing there thinking god I am dying inside as a woman and you seem to have no idea. I feel like I am going crazy.

SunflowerTed · 21/10/2021 10:23

[quote 19Bears]@SunflowerTed I really try hard to keep this in mind, it's hard at the start, but people move on. All the friends I have who have separated are now so much happier and don't regret their decision for a minute. I wish I could stop catastrophising and just get on with it.[/quote]
There is usually a catalyst moment where something is said or something happens and then you just think 'I cant do this anymore'

It happened to me in a sexless relationship when I was 30. I didnt want to waste my life (its obv. not all about sex) - I'm now 51 and having the best sex ever Don't lose hope!!!!

Frazzles99 · 21/10/2021 10:40

@19Bears
You're not going crazy!! This is exactly what I was like. Day after day, night after night wondering what the hell I'd done to deserve being made to feel almost invisible! I use to walk about naked to see if he'd notice me and I'd occasionally get a glance up from his phone/tablet but that would be it. I even tried not letting him see me naked for months to see if absence made the heart grow fonder...... Nope!!!!
The final nail in the coffin for me was asking for a hug, just a hug, nothing else. He told me to get off as he was busy. That was my defining moment and I just knew that was it for me. I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life with someone who didn't appreciate me in FULL. That is the key element to remember. You deserve the full aspect of a loving committed relationship not just the buts they decide you should have.
It took me another 6mths after this defining moment to actually leave as I was so terrified to leave what everyone else perceived to be the perfect relationship. I'm still struggling to make ends meet, have no money blah blah blah blah but I'm so so happy and can't wait to see what I've been missing!!! 😊
You will be fine and when one door closes, so many other doors will be wide open ready for you xx

19Bears · 21/10/2021 11:03

Oh thank you @Frazzles99 and @SunflowerTed I have friends and family members who are so supportive and who I know will be there for me, including MN friends, but I find it all so difficult. I am speaking to a solicitor on Tuesday and I feel sick, but I have to start somewhere. I've been in counselling for months and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
I've symbolically stopped wearing my wedding ring as a pathetic act of defiance, I don't know if he's noticed.... anyway, I could be here all day moaning about it. It's only me who can change things.
How are you feeling about things, @whyamidoingthisamimad ?