[quote ordinaryman]@Lana07
"Did you ask her why she's gone off sex with you?"
"Did you ask your wife why there is no hug, holding hands and a peck on the cheek either?"
Yes, of course. We talked many times (always initiated by me) and she would give many and varied reasons/excuses which I would address genuinely constructively, as I wanted the relationship to get back on track.
Any supposed medical issues: she refused to see a doctor. Lack of libido: likewise, nor interested in any kind of therapy. Not having time, etc: would never make time, and when I did, she said it felt 'false'.
If I kept bringing it up too regularly, then I was pestering. If I left it for months without mention, nothing happened. Then as soon as I brought it up after those months, I was pestering again.
Her list of hangups become so long that basically she was suggesting I should wait for the removal of every single life issue before she might be interested: ie: money worries, work worries, kids, parents, body image issues, household chores, etc. etc. etc. Basically, the kind of stuff that everyboday has in their day-to-day life and NEVER goes away.
I know this might create the impression of some demanding, over-bearing ogre, but this has been going on over most of my ~20 year marriage, in an environment where affection and intimacy should have been ever-present. I was always very reassuring that I valued her input, was non-blaming (initially) and gave her ample opportunity to be open and honest with me.
After several years of no improvement, and having addressed (or as best I could facilitate the addressing of all the supposed issues) I realised I would never reach the end of her ever-changing list of prerequistes. Indeed, that that was the very point - for her to keep kicking the can down the road and keep me at arms length as best she could.
I think she doesn't want any light physical affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand-holds, etc.) in case it leads to sex.
Anyway, last time I raised it, I was done with the 'it's not you it's me' sentiment and made it clear that I do blame her for stonewalling. I said that I am the only one who seems to care about the relationship and that she is making no effort to either work with me to re-connect as lovers, nor to come to me with any of her own thoughts, suggestions or solutions.
Even if every effort of mine to reconnect has been in her view completely useless, ill-conceived, male-centric, too sexual, pressuring, or whatever, or that she doesn't see herself ever wanting me again, then I have no problem with her telling me that straight - I'm a grown-up and I've never pretended that I have all the answers, but her just giving me the brick-wall treatment renders her 100% to blame.[/quote]
You are just not sexually compatible if it's been happening for 20 years.