Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

I have devoured this thread, as sad as I am to see so many in the same boat it’s also nice not to feel so alone?
I’m 40, been married 20 years and majority of it has been sexless. His side, not mine. Over the years it’s got worse and worse, he’s pushed me away so many times I no longer try but I feel so dissatisfied and unattractive and just disgusting.
We’ve gone through this pattern of me eventually getting upset and him then deciding he wants sex and having what I think of as a ‘pity shag’ to shut me up then back to no intimacy, no interest.
The last few years along with this pattern I’ve considered separation or leaving, those thoughts have built and built over the years and now I actually feel like I don’t want a sexual relationship with him. He’s a nice, kind man, but I just don’t love him that way any more but everything feels so complicated.

@wlv12
What’s stopping you leaving him?

@NorthGirlie - I think I feel quite depressed, I’m also fairly recently bereaved and it’s taken me a while to pick myself up from that. There’s always been an excuse for why he doesn’t want sex - we were having IVF, I was pregnant, we had a breastfeeding baby, he’s tired, etc etc. Now there’s no excuse really. We have a disabled child, my husband is his carer, I work full time and with everything it feels overwhelming to think of how anything else would work. Plus, I do love him, I’ve just fairly recently felt like this isn’t how I want my life to be anymore. I think I just need courage?

@wlv12
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are really having a tough time and I can see the situation that you are in and why it would sit easy to leave/separate.
Does he love you? Does he tell you that he loves you? Does he show it? If not, it sounds like you are both just living every day the same and going nowhere, if that makes sense.
Have you considered, dare I suggest, a FWB arrangement or an open marriage? You really deserve more.

That should say why it isn’t easy to leave/separate!

This happened to me. I flipped out one day at work. Told my boss I needed to leave for the day. Went home and broke up with him. A few months later I met a great, horny man who I'm with a decade later. We still have fantastic sex. My ex got with a series of women who looked like me. He now has a baby with a woman who is described as a poor version of me. All very odd. The women he's with now is boring and dim. My working theory is that I intimidated him and he couldn't get it up. But who knows.

Why did you intimidate him?

I’m really struggling. Married 12+ years to a wonderful father and husband aside from the sea. Had sex once this year. It’s never been as good as I’ve had previously. I am 40 and can’t face getting older in a sexless marriage. But the thought of breaking up the family is heartbreaking. I said I wanted a divorce a while back but thought I was being hasty and things were exacerbated because of working from home and Covid. But now I’ve met someone. Nothing has happened and nothing to think he even likes me back. But I’m enfactuated and can’t stop thinking about being with him. Whether anything could come of it or not, surely if I can’t spend so much time fantasing about being with another man then my marriage is over? I think I need to be single so I can meet someone else. I think about cheating all the time. We are basically flat mates with kids. No kiss good night, no passionate kissing. I’m so fed up I feel trapped.

aside From the sex*

I’m out the other side of this. Married for 15 years, the last 6 of which (once I’d produced the heir and the spare) were sexless. He now lives with his boyfriend and I’ve been getting royally laid 4 nights a week by the 4th man I man I met on a dating site I drunkenly signed up to 7 years ago after we split. Do it, do it, do it! It makes a world of difference to your self esteem, and your joy in the world. Sex was important to me, and if it’s important to you, you shouldn’t give it up.

I am the other side of the issue. I haven't had sex with dh for ages because.of his drinking. It really turns me off when he's drunk. I've tried talking to him, but he obviously isn't bothered as he is still drinking. I would love to be close to my husband.

@MrsBasset Has your husband said why it's so infrequent? Do you think he would agree to some sort of open relationship? Like a compromise rather than full-on divorce?

@ShandaLear Glad you're so much happier! Has co-parenting worked out OK through all of that?

@MoonbeamsGlittering It’s tiredness. Long commute, kids, financial stresses etc. No ED problems. Just in rut off come home, cook dinner, watch TV, drink wine, sleep. I have jokingly broached the idea of open marriage but it’s a hard no from him. He’s very vanilla. That’s enough point that I’ve minimised my sexuality and kinks because I know he’s not into it. I’m not physically attracted to him any more. I want my heart to skip when I see my partner and my stomach to flip. But maybe that never happens after 12 years of marriage. I know we don’t have common goals. I’m trying to get fit and exercise a lot. He just wants to drink beer and do nothing to better himself. He’s very comfortable. The thought of living in another property, the logistics of a divorce, upsetting the children it’s horrid. But I feel like my choice is make myself happy, and upset the kids and him or take one for the team and pretend to be ok for the rest of my life or until the kids have left home. By that time I’ll be 50+ and bitter for the time I’ve lost.

@MrsBasset It sounds really tough. I think a lot of people might be ending up like this. I feel like more open relationships would help society. I don't fully understand why so many people are so possessive of their partner even though they hardly ever have sex with them. It seems like they're asking you to switch off your sexuality which doesn't seem fair. I hope if open arrangements become less taboo then more people will accept the idea. But for now I really don't know what's best in this situation.

I just wanted to update.
Something changed for my husband. I'm not quite sure what. I think it was us getting COVID strangely enough, or maybe it was that my coil moved. I had to have investigations due to pain and bleeding which could have potentially been serious but was due to coil moving (which was my initial thought, but rejected by Dr) and when it was replaced (which took a while) it made him value me more. The threat of condoms has gone too again whilst waited for my new coil.
It was like a flip switched. We started by discussing intimacy, really from him,like hugging or a kiss, not sexual just that intimacy to build our connection. I suppose with 2 breastfed clingy kids I felt 'tapped out' and needed space and for him by me not initiating that,I hadn't realised how much of an issue it became for him. To him he didn't feel sexual without intimacy.
I also think his mental health is much better. I think getting COVID and getting over it were huge for him.
So it's not like we are honeymooners, but we are connecting again and sex feels natural and not that awful expectant way when it's not happened for so long.
So I guess what I have learned is that for my husband, he really needs that emotional side before he feels like sex where as for me sex brings intimacy. We just need to keep up these connections.
Good luck to everyone

@whyamidoingthisamimad Are things any better now with you? Are you still together? I’m in same boat now. What worries me is that it’s so infrequent that we are now in the friend zone and I don’t want to have sex with him now even if he did initiate it. I had suggested sex therapy a while ago and he agreed, but now I’m not sure I want to. It always come back to the children. If we didn’t have kids, I’d walk.

@TheComptonEffect Glad things have turned a corner for your both ☺️ Hope it continues!

@MrsBasset 100% if we didn't have kids I'd have walked years ago :(

Just wrote enormous post and I deleted it😡
Can I join a thread i never thought would apply to me.
Been with DH 20 plus years. 4 dc.
Very different personalities but happy. Good sex life. Affectionate.
Admittedly he's always made more effort than me. Not intentional on my part, but he's made the first move more. Lots of compliments to me etc.
Past couple of years hes become really intolerant of me. And I find him bad tempered and grumpy.

We havent had sex now for 3 months and very little affection either in this time. Never gone this long even after having babies or family bereavement. I know its not long compared to most on here but it's a slippery slope.

Past couple of years we have argued a lot and not really properly made up. He refuses to talk. Says hes fine, it's me.
Sometimes I think to help with these silly games, I'm going to put the effort in. Then he goes and kills it.
Last week he got me a bottle of favourite wine and said something like 'anything for you'
I thought it's me overthinking this relationship, we are still okay I will just make a move later!!
Later never happened as he literally bit my head off about something and was horrible to me!

I'm worried DC will see the lack of love and general lack of niceness will seem normal.

I dont know what to do. He said hes not happy like this but it's my fault.
I've admitted neglecting him and I hold my hands up but we cant move forward.
Btw I started a thread a while ago about whether he actually loves me.

Today I feel angry that I'm missing my best years living a half life.

I haven't been on this thread for a while, and it's so sad that there are so many of you in similar situations. I constantly thank my lucky starts that I got out, despite the financial and relationship issues it caused. I'm sooo much happier and free-er.

@Itsnotonlyrainbows - Your situation sounds very much like it was due to Covid / Lockdown. Consider how much time you actually spent together BC (Before Covid! ), and how much during lockdown.

Maybe there were issues in the relationship beforehand that living in each others pockets 24*7 has magnified into massive problems, and DH's way of dealing with it has been to snap at you.

It may not be too late to save things - if you both want to. I'd say you need to get things out into the open. If it wasn't for the kids (4!) I'd suggest maybe trying to book a weekend away for you both, and just talking.

Couples councelling could work for you, but again, you both neet to want to fix things.

Don't leave this alone, or it'll be 6 months, then a year, then two...

It's been so interesting reading this thread. I got married at 23 to my first love and sex was always an issue. From the start he wasn't interested really but we would have sex sporadically. We seemed to go in cycles where I'd get really upset about it, wanted to end things, he swore things would change, they would for a short while then it would slide back down.

Like others said it isn't just the sex it's the loss of intimacy and never feeling desirable. I used to periodically develop intense crushes on people (generally from work) and spend time constantly fantasising about them. Looking back I think it was a way for me to try to get my desire for intimacy met

He would say he didn't want sex as he didn't fancy me as I was overweight which was terrible for my self esteem. I lost a lot of weight and he still felt the same, I felt angry then as up until then I had felt it was my fault for being fat.

I ended up getting close to a man at work and we had an emotional affair. Nothing happened physically but feeling desired again was unbelievable! I knew I had to end the marriage then. It opened my eyes to what I was missing and that other people could want me.

I ended the marriage (nothing ever happened with the guy at work ) and then 6 months later I met my current husband. We had amazing sexual chemistry from the start and still have an active sex life now. It's so different. We've been together 10 years now

I have never regretted leaving even though being a single mum on benefits was tough.

Just thought my story might help people see there is life on the other side of these relationships

Just popping my head in the door.

Made my first post yesterday for something unconnected, but promptly got told it was mostly my fault and that my low libido might be a bigger issue than I gave it credit for - so taking that on board.

Marriage not entirely sexless, but is obviously in danger of going down that road.

Married, three kids, early 40s. I'm the LL to my DHs HL. Trying to be better at kickstarting my mojo for both my sake and my DHs.

In the 'wanting to want it' phase, but not sure how to get there, but giving it a go all the same, with a renewed sense of resolve.

Can I join the thread. 21 years, 2 kids, nothing for last 7/8 years. No affection at all in the relationship. Resentment built to a high and I went to a dark place feeling I was there for everyone else and no one was there for me, but didn't want to ruin kids lives. I'm stronger and out that hole now, but situation unchanged. We're friends and I care, but not husband/wife relationship imo. I'll probably stick it out till kids have left for uni then see where I am. Certainly don't intend to stay like this as I'm an affectionate person and need that in my life!! 💐 to all others going through the same x

So after being in the same situation as everyone on here and basically after a year of feeling completely miserable, unloved and uncared for. I had become completely used to the fact that we just weren’t going to have sex. I spoke to my dr about it and she thought it could be the male menopause- and his testosterone levels probably have dropped so he’s less ‘in the mood’ as it were. After feeling resentment and anger and feeling exasperated by the whole situation I basically came to terms with the situation. I didn’t think I would but I did.
He says he still loves me but just doesn’t feel that way anymore. That he just doesn’t want sex. I was devastated, I thought it must all be my fault, that I turned him off. I was unsexy after three kids and sixteen years of marriage. But of course it wasn’t that at all. Non of it was my fault. Anyway, last weekend we had ended up in a situation that never arises - where both the kids were on sleep overs. Of course I didn’t expect anything and I was really tired so I didn’t even try. But he went out he bought wine and steak and cooked me dinner and bloody hell we had sex!!! Twice!!! And he was loving and affectionate and all the things I’d missed and given up on! I wasn’t expecting it at all!!! I don’t know what happened but whatever it was I’m glad that it did! We probably won’t have sex for another six months again but hey it was nice whilst it lasted and I feel content with that. I’ve never been super sexed up anyway but I missed the lack of affection that went with sex. We all need to feel loved after all or else what’s the point. So maybe it was just something in the air but I’m feeling much happier about things than I was that’s for sure.

Ahh that's lovely!!@understandabl

@AverageGuy
Thanks for your response
I dont think it was lockdown. We are both key workers and although we worked throughout , we spent more time together. We actually got on well without the stress of other commitments.

He would never agree to counselling.
Maybe I just need to revisit my approach.