Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

"I don't want to have sex with someone who is doing it just to shut me up for a while. I want someone to walk in the door, take one look at me (regardless of whether I'm in sweats or a nice skirt) and want to whisk me straight up to the bedroom!!!

I can see where you're coming from but sex in an LTR is not really like that most of the time. It's a bit like eating, you eat because you are hungry, meets a need but it's not a memorable or exciting experience. But sometimes you make a special effort, cook something new, go to a restaurant etc, and then it's more of an occasion. Sex is the same, you do it because one or both of you gets the urge, need to sh*g. Pretty routine. But sometimes you make a special effort, jump your DP on the sofa, stay a night in a hotel etc and then it is more like the rip your clothes off sex you have when you are younger.

I could not tell you what I had for dinner a week last Sunday and nor could I tell you if we DTD on that day. But I can remember special dinners and memorable love making from years ago at times like birthdays and anniversaries or when we were on holiday.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Anothernick Thanks - maybe I'll be lucky too, although if my wife loses interest in sex completely through menopause then we might end up even further apart on this issue.[/quote]
@MoonbeamsGlittering
My wife has lost her interest after menopause, and to be honest she has become fat and almost permanently grumpy, and I don’t really want to have sex with her anymore ( or even sleep in the same bed)

I could quite happily sell the house and walk away tomorrow but she is on quite a low income, while mine is ok, we couldn’t afford 2 houses now.
I actually quite resent her now as we both stuck here, I could leave her the house, but how I house myself? As I would be starting again at 52 with nothing

My honest advice would be if she is making you that unhappy, have a heart to heart, but be prepared to get out ASAP, don’t be like me and become stuck with someone you resent

@Pky45 Really sorry to hear that - it sounds like a really tough situation. My situation is really not like this so far but I worry that the sex could become less and less in the future if things don't go well.

It's good of you to think about your wife's situation and not want to leave her without enough money (unless you just mean that you would have to pay loads of alimony) but is there no way at all for you to end things if you really don't want to be with her? Could you split but both stay in the house and basically be housemates and be free to live somewhat separate lives? Sorry if this is actually a terrible idea, but I thought I'd heard that some people end up doing this.

@MoonbeamsGlittering
We basically are housemates now, I WFH due to COVID and she goes out to work, and at the weekends I now find reasons to get out of the house
We got a dog a few years back and I’m the one who mostly walks it as she gets tired quickly, we don’t go out as she thinks people are looking at her, this year I have been cycling and exercising more and I’m in better shape than I have been for years and my sex drive has come right very strongly, but not with her, don’t think I really want to touch or even talk to her really.

Seriously, sex is an important part of an relationship, if you are not happy and your wife won’t / can’t change, get out and be single or the resentment will slowly eat you up from the inside and you will wake up one day and think WTF went wrong with my life

I was in a sexless marriage. It drained my soul. My ex (male) said it was because of our relationship problems, but he refused to take steps to address these problems. He basically felt that I had unreasonable expectations, and he wasn't willing to alter his behaviour to meet those expectations. (Just as he wasn't willing to have sex just to make me happy).

Leaving him was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

I want out n0t just the sex but the depression grumpiness he can’t help the the depression I know but I’m being sucked into a life which I dread now the next 20 years fill me with dread.

@whyamidoingthisamimad

See I didn't mention it before and he wasn't keen and said he'd try harder. Still in the same predicament

I always find that a strange turn of phrase in the context - it comes up a lot here and my ex used to say it as well.

Like you can solve a problem of not wanting to shag someone by "trying harder".

Mrs. HR has a saying, 2 orgasms a day keep the relationship's problems away.

Same here. I miss non sexual contact more than the sex. No hand holds, hugs, touches. Always jealous of other couples when I see this.

Sometimes "trying harder" can work, though. You can get out of the habit of having sex, fail to prioritise it. Often people say that the less sex they have, the less they want. If you make the effort, it can rekindle desire and a couple can get back into the habit. But you both have to be prepared to try - if one person just doesn't see it as an issue, even though they know their partner is unhappy with things, then it's hard to see how it can ever improve. Sex therapists can give you exercises to work through with the aim of rekindling those feelings. Agreeing to go to a therapist and trying their suggestions might be one way of "trying harder", if the person with lower libido is really committed to the relationship.

I think it's more complex than just saying you shouldn't have sex if you don't fancy it. There's a difference between actively wanting to avoid sex, and not particularly wanting to have it. You might take the view, as many of us do, that if your partner would like sex but you don't fancy it, that you'd make an effort, try to get in the mood, and then "responsive desire" kicks in and you enjoy it. So much depends on individual attitudes and relationship dynamics - there's a world of difference between not wanting sex with someone because you resent them, and not wanting sex because you just don't feel the urge.

There's a very detailed article on Why doesn't your husband want sex? From the Bad Girl's Bible - if you can scroll past the annoying pop-up quizzes, there are some very good sections & useful links.

This Relationship Doctor article & podcast on preventing a sexless relationship may be of interest.

I identify with so many of you, unfortunately. Married 25 years, he is 10 years older, has ED issues, but refuses to take steps to help, so I have spent most of my 40's in a sexless relationship, he doesn't seem too bothered. Feels like we are more friends, I have talked to him on numerous times about other things we could do, and asking for more affection but it never changes and he doesn't really want to talk about it. If I get upset he likes to give me my "space" so just makes matters even worse.

My youngest is 16 and I keep thinking maybe when he goes to uni, I might have to seriously think about whether I want to be in the relationship any more. Difficult when he is from a different country, not sure what happens then.

Keep hoping things will change as he is a lovely man, but lately really resent it all and I feel myself getting angry inside, which probably doesn't help matters!

Three years ago, as a woman in her mid thirties, I posted on Mumsnet with this exact dilemma.

I had been with my bf for 8 years I loved him but anytime I tried to initiate sex, he shot me down. In the end I stopped trying. Confidence hit a rock bottom. I lost weight and tried different things, tried to talk to him but he wasn't interested. In the first couple of years, things had been great - but over the years, he became less interested. In the end we were doing it once every two months and he'd never finish. It was miserable. I accepted I'd be in a sexless relationship forever. I asked Mumsnet for advice and to my horror, many people said to leave whilst I was still young. Some said they had been in sexless relationships for 10 or 20+ years and wished they'd left sooner. Others said they wished they'd left before they'd had kids. Many said they had left and it had been the best thing they done. I was in so many minds.

I didn't do anything for a few months because I loved him and thought maybe things could change.

They didn't change.

I tried to talk to him again and he said this was the way it was and he wasn't ever going to change.

I didn't sleep for a month or so after that conversation as I knew i had to leave. I went back and read all the lovely comments the Mumsnet community had left me. One day I said I couldn't live a life like this anymore. He didn't even fight for it. Just shrugged his shoulders and said something asking the lines if 'fair enough'.

I bought several new outfits and immediately went out. Had sex with an old friend within a week and I felt absolutely brilliant. I felt alive again. I knew I had it in me. I was scared but I sat with the scared feeling and just thought "F@?& it. I deserve a full life and to me - sex is a big part of that."

I have never regretted ending that relationship. So much of it was great but the 'no sex' was a big white elephant that was ALWAYS there. You can't ignore it. Go with your gut. You will feel scared but you owe it to yourself. The future you in five or ten years will be so proud of you. Don't settle, you deserve a full life as well. X

It’s strange as I always thought (very stereotypically) that most men were almost always in the mood and it was usually women who wanted less sex in long term relationships or after children etc...there seems to be a low libido epidemic amongst men though.

I’m married with a toddler and another on the way...red flags from the start really but he’s lovely and ticks all the other boxes. I had major pre wedding meltdown but the only family i confided in said it wasn’t a big deal and could be improved...the other stuff is harder to find etc. I should have listened to my gut as it’s just got worse and worse. He won’t go near me when pregnant and when breastfeeding he’s terrified of my boobs. Pre babies he wanted sex more often but it was very boring and same routine every time...never up for anything different.

Very depressing as now I feel trapped..and I do love him I just don’t want to be asexual. I was a really sexual person before we met...I barely recognise that part of me. He’s made me feel embarrassed about sex because he seems to be...it rubs off! I darent have a drink without him as I feel an overwhelming urge to cheat and fear I wouldn’t be able to control myself if I wasn’t sober.

Ditto! We have sex about 3 or 4 times a year...

He has a camgirl addiction though and my drive to have sex with him has gone.

Am also in this boat. In the last 5yrs we've had sex less than 10 times, more like 5. I'm 39. We're married, 2 young kids, mortgage. I often think we're friend zoned, but we don't have much fun together either. Not sure what the answer is. I think will see what happens when the kids are older, we'll either grow together again when the kids are less dependent, or apart.

We do well for shared values though and I do think that's important.

Took me ages to even open this post as I know my situation is dreadful too!
Only been married 2 years had sex about 4 times, Been togther about 7 years. First year all fine then his mum got sick and passed away so literally never recovered from then.
We have a 4 Yr old boy but literally only had sex a handful of times before.
Talked about it nothing changes. Though tbh he doesn't reallt give any reasons
I'm literally at point I can't be bothered to mention it anymore as make me feel awful as he just is not intrested. Tried to initiate it before but no response
And tbh I'm not bothered anymore. We don't share bed at moment at room is downstairs but my son wants me upstairs
No idea where tú go from here.
We are friends, living together with a son. But feel this is what will be forever. We are just 40.
So you all have my sympathies and sorry have no answers!!

Been married for 7 years and have had sex only once a year for the past 5 years. From the beginning he was never able to finish inside me and needed to use his hand for ejaculation. Never felt comfortable discussing his issues around sex as he seemed very sensitive to it so never felt comfortable broaching the topic. He would say we have just fallen off the wagon and we should make it a priority to have it once a week but nothing would come off it. I felt ugly, lost confidence and felt too embarrassed and ashamed to let anyone know about the lack of intimacy in the relationship. I used to cry to sleep for months as I just wanted someone to hug me. I got into a bad depression and took to food to fill the emptiness inside me. He then started saying it's my weight and me being unfit that puts him off. I left my come country to follow him around the world and wasn't able to find a job. He started berating me for it and saying my lack of job, being fat and depressed is the reason for him not having an interest. The stress from all of it lead to not only depression but I started exhibiting physical symptoms. I couldn't open my jaw because of extreme pain. Which the moved towards my head and arms. Constant pain 24 hours a day. After going to doctor and multiple tests... It turns out it's due to stress. My only advice to people is to get out.. get out early and get out fast. It's not worth it

@Pky45 So do you think you'll still end up staying with her for years to come, even though you say you don't want to touch or talk to her really? Do you think you might look back in 5 or 10 years and wish that you had made a change now, while you're in good shape and full of energy?

I'm quite shocked by how many people's partners refuse to discuss things or won't have counselling or that kind of thing. Maybe we need a cultural shift so that people think it's generally good to talk about these things more. I feel quite lucky now that my wife will discuss things sometimes.

@synonym911 That's such a sad story, and it sounds like he never really told you what the initial reason was. I hope that you can find more happiness - either with him or without him. Surely if he wants to stay being your partner then he would want things to be better for you?

I’m just going to jump on the end here and say that, in my experience, they say that they’re going to try harder/change but they don’t because they are quite happy as they are. And they want to keep you as it is.
Please, don’t be like me and stay. I should have gone years ago, but now I might as well stay because I don’t want to live alone, and I know he’d look after me if I was ill.
Don’t wait, you are young, set yourself free now and go for the life you want.

My DH was offered Viagra due to the effect of his antidepressants, he wouldn’t try it.
I suffered shit sex for years because I was in my prime and gagging for it ! Anything was better than nothing.
Now I’ve not had sex for over 2 years and we sleep in separate rooms. No kisses, no holding hands, nothing. But resentment has kicked in and I don’t want him to touch me anymore.

We still hold hands but he’s got so clingy now I’m not interested anymore, I wish we could have single beds.

@MoonbeamsGlittering
It’s not quite so simple as saying ‘just leave’, in 52, and was looking to part time / early retirement at 55. As we are mortgage free.

If we split now I’ll get, maybe 140k from the house sale, but would probably lose a chunk of my pension so will probably have to work for another 10 to 15 years to get back to where I am now.

I’m probably the male version of @GoodnightGrandma, I still want to have sex, just not with my wife