Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

I forgot to say, @Frazzles99 I try this too!! I walk around in a little towel or my running gear or just underwear, and there's absolutely nothing from him. He'd rather stare at Jacob Rees Mogg or Nigel Farage on an evening.

My marriage isn't sexless but I've been posting about feeling like our sex drives are really mismatched these days and feeling rejected and unwanted. Someone pointed me to this thread - can I join as a kind-of-member? The advice here seems to be mostly to split up, but on my thread I'm mostly being told that the grass isn't greener and I should think of the welfare of my kids (which I do think about a lot, of course.) I do still hope that my marriage could improve but it does worry me to think that I might be the only one who's all that bothered about still having sex.

My marriage isn't sexless but sex is infrequent (once a month in general) and it's really starting to get to me. I've raised it with DH and his answer is that he's now 50, not 30 (I'm 41) and he's happy with how things are. He says he doesn't want to deny me and "made the effort" more on a recent holiday but I feel like he's just doing it for me and not out of any genuine desire. I feel so unattractive and unwanted. Friends have husbands who are constantly up for it and I envy them so much. It must be lovely to be wanted like that.

To be fair, he's always had a low sex drive. We got together when I was in my early 20s and very inexperienced. I wasn't really a very sexual person until I came off the pill in the mid-30s, so in a way I feel it's a bit unfair of me to raise the issue all of a sudden. I'm also aware that menopause might be not too far off for me, and from what I've read that seems to kill the female sex drive dead, so I swing between wanting to leave, being worried I'll cheat at the next opportunity (I've been close) and thinking I just have to "ride out" a few more years until we are more in tune with each other.

Recently made an appointment with a psychologist to talk it through and I'm hoping that will help.

@Smeggy1982

Hello, looking for advice as to AIBU regarding new relationship Long story short, i left the father of my children 4 months ago due to his past cheating,and also having nothing in common,not having sex,and being unhappy in the relationship for a long time. We were together for 5 years, im 31 and he is 25 I did not want to talk things through or try to fix anything, i wanted out and made this clear. He moved out of the home a week later.

I have had a friend for years who attended the same hobby club as me,and we got talking more outside of the club and started doing things in our own personal time,which then lead to alot more he is 36.
This has been going on for 8 weeks now and there is alot of chemistry,ive met his family and friends, things have escalated pretty quickly.
Im now terrified of telling my family about this new relationship,my mother is very against me leaving my children's father and getting into another relationship,she wanted me to work through things and fix the relationship,dosnt see why i would be interested in even dating when i have a perfectly good man there i could get back with etc, and assumes that i will be single for a long time.
We were going to wait until the new year to tell my mother, but she might still not be happy about it then?
What should i do?

It's your life.

You Mum has to accept your choice.

I'm on the other side of the fence here...would quite happily never have sex ever again. I underwent an emergency, radical hysterectomy 3 years ago and any even remotely sexual thoughts or feelings disappeared within 2-3 days of the surgery. I'm 53, DH is 50, we've only been married for 4 years.

@nutellaandpeanutbutter and @Mum4Fergus I am absolutely terrified of this happening. I'm at the age where I could be starting menopause, and if I start to lose my sex drive now, after wasting ten years with a man who barely looks at me, when I could have had someone who really wanted me, I'll scream.

I can totally empathise. I suppressed my feelings about a lack of intimacy for years. I was embarrassed to talk about having a sexless marriage for years in my 30s. I could barely discuss it with my DH. And just not at all with friends or family. It left me lost and lonely and isolated and i suspect depressed. Id urge people to act. Because I didn't i then made the mistake of having an affair. And I'd unwittingly set up the perfect conditions for that to happen-because i hadn't dealt with it head on. I also think affairs happen more easily when people suppress things and don't share their difficulties with others. Talk to people. Use online forums. I wish i had. I know mumsnet likes to brand people who has affairs as evil abusers. I don't advocate it and i regret it. Im saying-don't be me. Tackle it. Dont make things worse like i did.

@19Bears This scares me too - that my wife might not be interested in me at all at that point, or that I might have watched most of my better-functioning time slip by. I try to take hope from some posters on Mumsnet who say that they are having their best sex ever at a later point in life. Maybe those of us who have had years of less/no sex are more likely to really appreciate and enjoy sex later on if we do get to a better situation.

@19Bears

Oh thank you *@Frazzles99 and @SunflowerTed* I have friends and family members who are so supportive and who I know will be there for me, including MN friends, but I find it all so difficult. I am speaking to a solicitor on Tuesday and I feel sick, but I have to start somewhere. I've been in counselling for months and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I've symbolically stopped wearing my wedding ring as a pathetic act of defiance, I don't know if he's noticed.... anyway, I could be here all day moaning about it. It's only me who can change things. How are you feeling about things, *@whyamidoingthisamimad* ?

Still nothing has happened- and when we do try he doesn't seem to be able to finish anymore- it's not looking good is it?

Sorry you're stuck too @MoonbeamsGlittering I think you could be right in that those of us who have been so sex-starved are really REALLY going to appreciate it when we finally get some!!! I'm the most tightly coiled spring ready to ping like mad when I get the chance.
It's a very difficult situation for all of us here. It seems so straightforward looking from the outside, just leave and start again. But how do you explain to your children you had to leave their dad / mum cos you really needed a shag. It's not just sex though is it. It's closeness and connection and comfort. That's all I want. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much and that I should just get on with life, but this is all part of life!!! We shouldn't sacrifice all our best years to keep someone else happy.

Still nothing has happened- and when we do try he doesn't seem to be able to finish anymore- it's not looking good is it?

If your partner is over 50 delayed Ejaculation could be a sign of diabetes or an enlarged prostate, possible worth a GP check

I've got a different perspective as a friend was, in his marriage, the one who went off sex. His ex was unhappy about it. He went to the doctor and a therapist and worked through the exercises prescribed but said it didn't help, he'd just lost all desire and thought that part of life was just over. His ex left him over it. He was very upset at the time but now says she was so right and brave to do it. It turned out after that, when he started dating again, his sex drive wasn't gone at all - it was more that the relationship had run its course and there had been major relationship problems. As women we often talk about how relationship difficulties can lead to loss of interest in sex, but I wonder if there's less awareness of this affecting men? I don't know.
From what I've read, it seems very hard to rescue a relationship when a man loses his sex drive. When a woman loses her sex drive, there are a million suggestions out there to help get you in the mood, and because many women experience "responsive desire", they can enjoy sex once things get going. But a man has to be able to get an erection, and if you don't have desire, viagra won't help. He has to want to have sex. Occasionally on here I've read about relationships where the man has lost his sex drive for a while due to a specific reason like being ill or exhausted or having very young kids etc. But I'd be interested to hear if anyone has managed to rescue a sexless relationship otherwise.

@19Bears you're spot on. It's not just sex. It's having a full relationship, closeness, and pair-bonding. There are plenty of couples who are happy in a sexless relationship but being constantly rejected saps your spirit. It is a constant insult. Now, I regret the fact that my kids spent so many years seeing little affection between their parents, and worry that it has skewed their view of what is normal in a relationship.
You only get one life, and if you don't take steps to change this, you may be sad about it for many years.

Menopause - get yourselves on the menopause boards and read Dr Louise Newson's stuff. It doesn't need to wreck your sex drive. Perimenopause gives some of us a "sex surge" where we become totally rampant ..

@DivorcedAndDelighted

I've got a different perspective as a friend was, in his marriage, the one who went off sex. His ex was unhappy about it. He went to the doctor and a therapist and worked through the exercises prescribed but said it didn't help, he'd just lost all desire and thought that part of life was just over. His ex left him over it. He was very upset at the time but now says she was so right and brave to do it. It turned out after that, when he started dating again, his sex drive wasn't gone at all - it was more that the relationship had run its course and there had been major relationship problems. As women we often talk about how relationship difficulties can lead to loss of interest in sex, but I wonder if there's less awareness of this affecting men? I don't know. From what I've read, it seems very hard to rescue a relationship when a man loses his sex drive. When a woman loses her sex drive, there are a million suggestions out there to help get you in the mood, and because many women experience "responsive desire", they can enjoy sex once things get going. But a man has to be able to get an erection, and if you don't have desire, viagra won't help. He has to want to have sex. Occasionally on here I've read about relationships where the man has lost his sex drive for a while due to a specific reason like being ill or exhausted or having very young kids etc. But I'd be interested to hear if anyone has managed to rescue a sexless relationship otherwise.

I think there is quite a lot of truth in this, why would a man want to have sex with a woman if he no longer likes her, the lack of an erection could be a symptom of deeper relationship issues and not sexual issues

Other side of the coin for me

I dont want sex. I dont ever feel like it. DH seems to want it about once a month which i can just about manage but id prefer not to

I think its my hormones. Wasn't like this when i was younger

Maybe my libido will come bouncing back one day?

@19Bears Yes, it's really tough. I'm getting told the opposite - just stay and stop acting like sex is a big deal. Neither way is easy. I think Hollywood tells us all that it's only people in their 20s who have much sex or who really find each other attractive and after that we should all start to focus on other things, but I don't think real life is like that for a lot of us. My wife is in her 40s and I think she's really hot - I just wish that it felt like she thinks of me that way.

I need this thread.

My relationship isn't sexless but it's so infrequent I could scream. Maybe once or twice a month if I'm lucky.

DP is on ADs and only ever seems to have an interest if he's drunk. I have raised the issue many times but nothing has ever changed. I too feel like my self esteem is crushed by his lack of interest. I've stopped initiating as he always tells me to stop because he's tired/stressed or calls me a pest. I've now stopped accepting his drunken need for sex which annoys him but it's tough.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'd be happy with sex once a week. We do have mismatched drives which I have always known. I just didn't think it would be so much of an issue to me as it is.

He is over affectionate in other ways with hugs, kisses etc but that's it. We go away and nothing happens, if we are child free for the evening nothing happens I just feel utterly crushed and wonder if it is me he's not sexually attracted to.

I don't know if porn is involved I don't care if it is. I'd just like him to be honest with me about whatever the score is.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@19Bears Yes, it's really tough. I'm getting told the opposite - just stay and stop acting like sex is a big deal. Neither way is easy. I think Hollywood tells us all that it's only people in their 20s who have much sex or who really find each other attractive and after that we should all start to focus on other things, but I don't think real life is like that for a lot of us. My wife is in her 40s and I think she's really hot - I just wish that it felt like she thinks of me that way.[/quote]
Sex is a big deal. It's a a psychological and physical necessity for many - perhaps most - people and without it a relationship is not complete.

Desire and ability do not automatically disappear as you get older, I am 62 and have been pleasantly surprised to find that little has changed in that department over the past 30 years. So do not give up hope, there could be a better future ahead.

@Anothernick Thanks - maybe I'll be lucky too, although if my wife loses interest in sex completely through menopause then we might end up even further apart on this issue.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I don't think anyone should be made to feel that their needs are unimportant!!! Equally someone who wants more sex has no right to pester or push the unwilling partner into having more sex than they desire.
It all boils down to a mismatch of needs and you then need to decide whether the relationship is worth remaining in knowing you will never ever have your needs met ever again.
I just could face that fact. I feel as though I'm in my prime. My self esteem is rock bottom from all the rejection. I don't want to have sex with someone who is doing it just to shut me up for a while. I want someone to walk in the door, take one look at me (regardless of whether I'm in sweats or a nice skirt) and want to whisk me straight up to the bedroom!!!
I know the day to day drudgery of life gets in the way of things but equally a relationship is about support, emotion, tenderness, love, desire and trust. All these things add up and if any are missing then the relationship will ultimately break down in the end.
For those that are scared to break up the relationship because of children etc, remember that your partner has the right to end the relationship whenever they want too. You may hang on in there for years to come waiting for the scraps of affection and they end up leaving you!!! This has happened to 2 of my friends over the years and ironically their partners who didn't want sex etc left because they were having affairs themselves!!! Talk about bitter irony......

I want someone to walk in the door, take one look at me (regardless of whether I'm in sweats or a nice skirt) and want to whisk me straight up to the bedroom!!!

Absolutely this, @Frazzles99 I remember once at work one of the lads asking what dh was doing for me for Valentines Day and I said he was going away to a gig that night. He was so shocked and said he must have no idea how lucky he is to have me, and what was he thinking. And someone else asked what we do on an evening at home and I said dh usually goes upstairs with a cd and a beer, and he said "if I had you it wouldn't be a cd I was taking upstairs." And then! Someone who I won't name as he is kind of well known often messages me to check how I am, and cannot believe I haven't had sex for over ten years (I cannot remember how we got into that conversation), and that he would be beating my door down if he wasn't married himself.... So it's not like I'm an ogre or anything!! Sometimes I look around at other people and feel so sad when I see them holding hands or kissing, knowing they'll be having a lovely time when they get home, and why can't I have that?? I might as well go round with a bag over my head in front of dh. I feel invisible :(

@Frazzles99

"I don't want to have sex with someone who is doing it just to shut me up for a while. I want someone to walk in the door, take one look at me (regardless of whether I'm in sweats or a nice skirt) and want to whisk me straight up to the bedroom!!!

This is exactly what I said to my husband when I finally decided to bite the bullet and raise the issue with him last night. I can't keep it inside anymore. He is devastated and says that to him, our relationship is perfect - he hadn't noticed there was anything wrong at all.

Of course I got the usual sentences about "What do you expect after 17 years?", "Feelings like that last for a year or two at the most", but at least we're talking about it now, even though I feel guilty because this time I specifically mentioned it was making me doubt the relationship, and I think that really shocked him.

@nutellaandpeanutbutter My dh was the same, as if I'd said something totally unthinkable. He also said everything was 'perfect' until my counsellor had 'put these things' in my head. Well no actually, I've been feeling like this for years, totally rejected. But now I wouldn't want him near me. I don't feel anything for him, not even as friends, his attitude to a lot of things turns me completely cold and I get so angry at him. He even dared to criticise someone's appearance on telly the other day while he stood there with his cardigan on inside out, flies undone, belly hanging out from under his top which is too short, and missing teeth. How dare he.
Anyway, it's now two years since I told him we would never be having sex again ever as I had no feelings for him like that, and we've just drifted ever since, in a combination of him going in huffs and not speaking to me, and him being 'normal' and cheerful as if everything's fine. Hence me thinking I'm going crazy. All I want is to be appreciated by another adult human. The only affection I get is from my kids. I need a man, I'm a woman, ffs.

Man here.

Totally sexless and intimacy-less existence for the past 3+ years. Not so much as a hug, hand-hold, or peck on the cheek. Very little intimacy before this time either.

Two kids, no dramas, no major problems, no infidelity, etc. but she's just not remotely interested in me despite my (and only ever me) repeated attempts to discuss and resolve whatever is the problem.

I don't see it changing, so have the unenviable decision to make (as do many others here it seems) to 'settle' and accept the good elements of our living together, or be the bad guy and wreck everyone's lives by walking out.

You gotta do what you gotta do to keep a decent roof over your kids heads. I want sex but not with my husband. He’s changed since I met him and I’m not attracted to him any more. I’m not so much bothered about how he’s changed physically, but he’s become a selfish dick and I don’t want anything to do with him. I could do without being hassled for sex but I’m going to spin out the marriage for as long as I can to make sure my kids are looked after. I can’t disadvantage my kids just because I fancy a shag with someone else.