Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

Hi all,

I recognise a few names on this thread form other posts but I’m in the same position. I ended my marriage earlier this year due to lack of sex, lack of intimacy, lack of connection and the feeling I was a housemaid/nanny (on top of working full time in a very stressful NHS senior manager role)!
In my case, it was me who stopped the sex as - well, I didn’t fancy him! Ten years between us (him older) and I was innocent and naive when I married him. We were nothing more than friends. He was as cold as ice. Never complimented me (and, I’m attractive), never supported me etc. I carried him financially a lot and I swear he was batting for the other team as never looked
at women etc. I feel like I was tricked and, like someone else has said, I had children with him as I wanted to be a mother. When we had sex he did nothing to me. On and off then over in minutes. I got nothing out of it. So, it stopped when our youngest was 9 months old (she’s now almost 14).
I lived with it…for years…and kept myself busy with work, kids etc. Then the menopause hit a few years ago and I went through the sex surge. Badly, for months! Out of control and I ended up with someone else - similar situation - and I had my eyes opened! Not just sexually, but also lots of other things made me realise my marriage was non-existent. I had to do something. I
ended it and am now waiting for the final stage to our divorce. I felt bad - guilt stopped me doing something but deep down my feelings were getting worse.
I feel empty at the moment but glad I did the right thing. It was a dead marriage. No affection, nothing. I couldn’t stand him near me.

Oh this thread is a welcome find. Im the same. 14 months since anything happened and only 3 or 4 times the previous year.

I totally relate to the crushed feeling.

I did snap! Hence why I ended up with someone else at the start of my menopause hormone craziness. I wish I’d never let it get so bad and had left it far too long.
Living in a sexless marriage, especially when it is dead in other areas too - and for years, is soul destroying and, yes, you feel like a prisoner trapped by your circumstances. I felt like a bird in a cage wanting to fly and fly - then someone opened the cage door.

@19Bears Let us know how you get on with the solicitor on Tuesday. It’s a big step but you sound exactly like me - desperately unhappy.

@justavoodoodolly I did the same as you. I’d buried my feelings about my sexless marriage for far too long. Snap.

@19Bears

Sorry you're stuck too *@MoonbeamsGlittering* I think you could be right in that those of us who have been so sex-starved are really REALLY going to appreciate it when we finally get some!!! I'm the most tightly coiled spring ready to ping like mad when I get the chance. It's a very difficult situation for all of us here. It seems so straightforward looking from the outside, just leave and start again. But how do you explain to your children you had to leave their dad / mum cos you really needed a shag. It's not just sex though is it. It's closeness and connection and comfort. That's all I want. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much and that I should just get on with life, but this is all part of life!!! We shouldn't sacrifice all our best years to keep someone else happy.

@19Bears that last paragraph describes it perfectly for me

[quote DivorcedAndDelighted]**@19Bears you're spot on. It's not just sex. It's having a full relationship, closeness, and pair-bonding. There are plenty of couples who are happy in a sexless relationship but being constantly rejected saps your spirit. It is a constant insult. Now, I regret the fact that my kids spent so many years seeing little affection between their parents, and worry that it has skewed their view of what is normal in a relationship.
You only get one life, and if you don't take steps to change this, you may be sad about it for many years.

Menopause - get yourselves on the menopause boards and read Dr Louise Newson's stuff. It doesn't need to wreck your sex drive. Perimenopause gives some of us a "sex surge" where we become totally rampant ..[/quote]
@19Bears I had the sex surge a few months after my periods stopped suddenly. Totally horny as hell! It settled after about 6 months but I am now more sexual than I ever was before my periods stopped. My last period was 4 years ago!!! I haven’t started dating though so can’t do anything about it!

@CosmicUnicorn

I did snap! Hence why I ended up with someone else at the start of my menopause hormone craziness. I wish I’d never let it get so bad and had left it far too long. Living in a sexless marriage, especially when it is dead in other areas too - and for years, is soul destroying and, yes, you feel like a prisoner trapped by your circumstances. I felt like a bird in a cage wanting to fly and fly - then someone opened the cage door.

Same here.

@Pky45 What about saying you wanted an open marriage? If you and your wife basically don't touch each other or talk to each other anyway then maybe she wouldn't mind this. It seems like you're saying either you're stuck with no sex or you sell the house and lose loads of money, but maybe there's some kind of middle ground.

@CosmicUnicorn I can relate to "over in minutes" and distinct lack of compliments. Can I ask (please tell me it's none of my business if you want): how have the kids been with the split? Do they ask what the reason was?

@ordinaryman

Man here.

Totally sexless and intimacy-less existence for the past 3+ years. Not so much as a hug, hand-hold, or peck on the cheek. Very little intimacy before this time either.

Two kids, no dramas, no major problems, no infidelity, etc. but she's just not remotely interested in me despite my (and only ever me) repeated attempts to discuss and resolve whatever is the problem.

I don't see it changing, so have the unenviable decision to make (as do many others here it seems) to 'settle' and accept the good elements of our living together, or be the bad guy and wreck everyone's lives by walking out.

Did you ask her why she's gone off sex with you?

Did you ask your wife why there is no hug, holding hands and a peck on the cheek either?

@dementedma

Same here. I miss non sexual contact more than the sex. No hand holds, hugs, touches. Always jealous of other couples when I see this.

Did you try to hold his hands, hug & touch him first?

@MoonbeamsGlittering
The youngest (girl) has been ok about it as she finds her dad a bit weird anyway and has accepted we don’t have anything in common. The eldest (boy - almost 18) blames me and says it’s all my fault. He feels sorry for his dad and spends most of his time around there now. Due to the reason behind the split I had to just say stuff like ‘we didn’t get on’ or ‘I was unhappy and we had nothing in common/age gap issues’ as I couldn’t really tell a 17 year old the real reason (that I wasn’t attracted to his dad and we’d had no sex life for over a decade)!

It’s been very tough for me as I have hidden my feelings for years. My parents are both RIP too and I have no family around me so I haven’t had that support either. The sex life issue was only one reason why I ended the marriage. My husband lacked empathy and was very unsupportive of me throughout our marriage. Never complimented me. I am an attractive woman for my age and regularly have men telling me so (even with my own fan club of men at work - that I’m not interested in btw). There was no communication - we’d go for a meal and he’d just sit there silent. I took my wedding ring off in April 2018 and he never noticed!! He was oblivious to my existence and feelings!

I wish everyone great regular sex (if it's important to you), to love and to be loved.

@CosmicUnicorn Really sorry to hear that. Hopefully your son will understand more as he gets older and learns more about relationships. It sounds like your daughter might end up explaining it to him at this rate. I hope that you get to enjoy your new-found freedom when things settle down more.

@MoonbeamsGlittering
Thank you 🙂

@MoonbeamsGlittering
No, don’t want an open marriage, just want out of this one.
I’m probably going to sit it out until next year when the no Blame divorce comes into law, then go.
I think solicitors will be very busy next year as I think loads of people are going to be waiting for no blame to become law.

@Pky45 Fair enough - good luck when the moment comes.

@Pky45 You’re unhappiness is really coming through on your posts. How old are your children? You really don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage, you may have to work longer and there may be financial implications but happiness should override this. Life is really too short to be living with someone you resent to the point you don’t want to talk or touch them. I think you’d be doing both of yourselves a huge favour by setting yourselves free. No offence meant but this sounds like a terrible way to live.

your not you’re 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Lana07
"Did you ask her why she's gone off sex with you?"
"Did you ask your wife why there is no hug, holding hands and a peck on the cheek either?"

Yes, of course. We talked many times (always initiated by me) and she would give many and varied reasons/excuses which I would address genuinely constructively, as I wanted the relationship to get back on track.

Any supposed medical issues: she refused to see a doctor. Lack of libido: likewise, nor interested in any kind of therapy. Not having time, etc: would never make time, and when I did, she said it felt 'false'.

If I kept bringing it up too regularly, then I was pestering. If I left it for months without mention, nothing happened. Then as soon as I brought it up after those months, I was pestering again.

Her list of hangups become so long that basically she was suggesting I should wait for the removal of every single life issue before she might be interested: ie: money worries, work worries, kids, parents, body image issues, household chores, etc. etc. etc. Basically, the kind of stuff that everyboday has in their day-to-day life and NEVER goes away.

I know this might create the impression of some demanding, over-bearing ogre, but this has been going on over most of my ~20 year marriage, in an environment where affection and intimacy should have been ever-present. I was always very reassuring that I valued her input, was non-blaming (initially) and gave her ample opportunity to be open and honest with me.

After several years of no improvement, and having addressed (or as best I could facilitate the addressing of all the supposed issues) I realised I would never reach the end of her ever-changing list of prerequistes. Indeed, that that was the very point - for her to keep kicking the can down the road and keep me at arms length as best she could.

I think she doesn't want any light physical affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand-holds, etc.) in case it leads to sex.

Anyway, last time I raised it, I was done with the 'it's not you it's me' sentiment and made it clear that I do blame her for stonewalling. I said that I am the only one who seems to care about the relationship and that she is making no effort to either work with me to re-connect as lovers, nor to come to me with any of her own thoughts, suggestions or solutions.

Even if every effort of mine to reconnect has been in her view completely useless, ill-conceived, male-centric, too sexual, pressuring, or whatever, or that she doesn't see herself ever wanting me again, then I have no problem with her telling me that straight - I'm a grown-up and I've never pretended that I have all the answers, but her just giving me the brick-wall treatment renders her 100% to blame.

[quote Pky45]@MoonbeamsGlittering
No, don’t want an open marriage, just want out of this one.
I’m probably going to sit it out until next year when the no Blame divorce comes into law, then go.
I think solicitors will be very busy next year as I think loads of people are going to be waiting for no blame to become law.[/quote]
Yes, it's great to have an option on No Blame divorce for couples who decide to do it.

@ordinaryman I think you made a good point here: "...wait for the removal of every single life issue before she might be interested...", which makes it seem like the relationship is at the very bottom of the priority list. How long have you been at this point of thinking "there's nothing else I can do - now either I put up with this indefinitely or I leave"? Good luck with it all either way - it sounds like you really tried despite how hard it's been.

I was in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. It utterly destroyed me and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from the utterly crushing feeling of rejection and sadness. My sympathies are with anyone facing the same. I am out of it now and trying to rebuild myself- I hope you can find peace too.

Friend of my ex was in same situation. He carries on as if things are fine. He doesn't do much for her in the bedroom, limited amount of sex over 15 years.

Her words...She's wasted the best parts of her life. She's 51 now.