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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

553 replies

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 15:55

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

OP posts:
Violet869 · 24/10/2021 22:40

@TravelLost

So she was with him for the lifestyle and expecting him to remain celibate, that is quite selfish.

See I disagree with that.

If one partner doesn’t want sex, they don’t. They don’t owe it to the other to give them a sex life.

The other partner though is free to choose whether they are happy to accept that sexless life or not. I think it’s up to them to decide whether they are happy with the situation or not. If they are not, the best should be to leave rather than automatically fall into either resentment or an affair.

It’s the same with a mismatched sex drive tbh.

@TravelLost She was selfish yes, she was only concerned about her lifestyle, whilst not being open and honest about not wanting sex anymore and thinking that the fact he stopped talking about it was because he was happy with the set up. She used him for her own selfish needs.
CosmicUnicorn · 25/10/2021 06:19

@1MillionDollars

She dreaded going away together recently as it meant sharing a bed and he might (might) make advances. I feel sorry for him as he's always saying how things are perfect when I know their not.
This is what I was like with my husband…for years. I wouldn’t go near him and he did nothing for me on that area of marriage. How the hell the penny didn’t drop after a decade of no sex etc. I will never know! I think he thought I was frigid - stupid man!! Now that I have ended the marriage (I am lucky enough to be the bigger earner with a good career supporting me) I feel like your friend - I am 50 in the spring and feel like I’ve wasted years of my life.
CosmicUnicorn · 25/10/2021 06:23

@1MillionDollars

Only one life to live. Don't waste it.

This!

whyamidoingthisamimad · 25/10/2021 07:52

@beonetomatter

I don't think you can't win. If you leave your marriage for the sake of sex, you are the one for whom only sex is important. If you stay, you can't be happy. If you cheat, you are the worst sort...if you choose open marriage, then you will be judged...
This a hundred times It really is a special kind of turmoil
OP posts:
Sparrow789 · 25/10/2021 09:12

@whyamidoingthisamimad @Macaroni46 my DP left his marriage after 15 sexless years. The first five he tried to persuade XW to go to counselling also to be a better husband then the next ten he simply stopped trying to do anything extra. He is a high earner, shared all domestic duties, very involved with children plus looked after all maintenance of home, garden, cars etc. His XW never returned to work after children and expected a certain lifestyle as wife of a successful man. He tried to make the best life he could and to decide that he could be happy in other ways and this was ok. In the end when their youngest left home after university he decided to leave too after thinking about what sort of life he would be leading in later years. It’s not easy, XW is exceptionally angry - it seems due to loss of her lifestyle, ‘respectability’ and the comfort of marriage. I really don’t think she is sad about losing him. You are right though there is a lot of anger that he left ‘just for sex’ that this makes him a disgusting person etc, it’s very difficult for him. There are no easy answers.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 09:31

[quote beonetomatter]@TravelLost It is not that simple once children are involved...plus I assume that many couples still have some sort of emotional and financial attachment. [/quote]
This is also totally true.

It just works both ways imo.

If you said later, when it comes to sex, whatever decision you take is coming with major issues for the one who has the higher sex drive (or some vs none at all).

I think that if you are the one with no sex drive and decide to let your partner be free again (aka ask for a divorce), all the issues with attachment, financial issues, children are still there.

Eg a man doesn’t want sex anymore and decides to ‘let his partner go and be free’ because doing otherwise would be selfish. What happens if said partner is a 55yo woman who was a SAHM and hasn’t worked for the last 20 years? It would put her in a situation where not only she has to deal with the end of her Relationship, but she also has no income at all to fall back on. Letting her decide what is or isn’t the right time to end the marriage would allow her to ‘put her duck in a row’ , look for a job etc etc. Is that not kinder than just assuming her partner should be the one to end the marriage ‘for her sake’?

Macaroni46 · 25/10/2021 09:49

@Sparrow789 exactly the same as my friend. She is furious at the loss of her comfortable lifestyle, the fact that she will either have to curtail her spending habits or get a job and mostly just the 'shame' of not being married. Her fury is nothing to do with any feelings for him. In fact I'd say she rather despises him.
However, in her defence, I do think her XH should've left her years ago rather than letting things drag on for so long. When she asked him why he stayed, he said because of the DC. Trouble is, she's now in her late fifties with a whole different life ahead of her to the one she thought she had. She will get over it but it's very hard to witness, especially as she cannot see that she had any part to play in the marriage breakdown. (My DP is friends with the XH so we kinda get to hear both sides.)
I think the wider lessons learned are: don't underestimate the importance of intimacy in a marriage and don't put yourself in a position where you are totally financially dependent on your spouse. I've been telling her for years to get a job.

Macaroni46 · 25/10/2021 09:51

@TravelLost you make very valid points. The key is open and honest discussions between both parties to figure out what would be best for both going forwards.

ColleysMill · 25/10/2021 10:03

[quote beonetomatter]@TravelLost It is not that simple once children are involved...plus I assume that many couples still have some sort of emotional and financial attachment. [/quote]
Absolutely this.

I go round and round in circles. We get on fine we have joint friends, interwined lives, family that relies on us, dc who would be devastated. How can I justify leaving just because I want the occasional romp in the sheets.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 10:08

I personally think, and there will be people who disagree, that sex is the glue that binds you.
When our sex life became crap because of his anxiety/antidepressants/alcohol/refusal to try Viagra, that’s when it fell apart for us.
Now we’re sleeping in separate rooms and existing together.
To those of you in your 20’s, 30’s , 40’s - don’t accept it, go find the life you want, not the life you’ve ended up with.

ColleysMill · 25/10/2021 10:12

Sex makes the difference between living with a fab house mate and coparenter and a partner

ColleysMill · 25/10/2021 10:13

But I don't think myself ill ever be brave enough to leave. I've tried to bring it up so many times and then bottle it.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 10:30

This is my two pences on sexless marriage (drawn from my onw experience so others ight see it differently).

I think there are main 3 reasosn why a relationship ends up sexless.

1- Illness, whether physical or MH that will impact the wish of one partner to have sex - aka low libido.
I would include there any hormonal issues such as peri menopause or low testosterone.
I fell that hormonal issues are hard because people don't feel the need or wish to have sex at all so are unlikely to actually want to be treated for it because they are quite content with the situation. Also (again my own experience), going to see a GP migth not help a lot if they don't actually do the right test. I have low libido due to low testosterone level (yes even as a woman). My GP would never have checked for that and I only learnt about it because I was doing checks for other issues....
It is somehow different when people do have a sex drive but can't have intercourse (eg men and diabetes). They are more likely to seek medical support from a GP.

2- Lifestyle issues.
That's stress and working too hard - aka burn out. This is from the guy who works 60 hours a week, burns the caddle by both ends etc... to the woman who is running herself down to the ground because her partner is refusing to take on his share of the work (HW, parenting etc...)
In that case, people are basicaly so run down and/or stressed that sex is at the bottom of their list.

3- Relationship issues.
In that case, no sex is basically a symptom of a much wider issue. People end up not wanting to have sex (often not linked to low libido at all - so they might well still masturbate, watch porn etc...) becaue they are not attracted to their partner anymore.
My experience is that it is often linked to a lack of intimacy (not sexual) and closeness in the couple. Issues with communication, ressentment that has build up over the years etc...

I think points 1 and 2 often happen. But point 3 is the thing that is the break or make issue. You can have intimacy wo having sex. You can be great friends. You can work around illness, work issues etc...You can have a fulfilling life wo sex but lots of intimacy but I feel it's much harder to be happy if you only have perfunctory sex.

As @Macaroni46 said, they key is open communication. I'd say that if open communication on that subject doesn't happen and the (higher sex drive) partner is leaving then It's not about sex. It's a relationhsip issue with no communication and different life goals/expectations. That's the deal breaker.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 10:31

Sorry that was long....

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 10:36

Sex makes the difference between living with a fab house mate and coparenter and a partner

I diagree. You can have a life partner and sharing intimacy wo sex (see the people with chrominc illnesses who rarely have sex but are still great partners to each other).
Sex is an easy way in to intimacy but it's not the only thing needed. Otherwise, people who have a ONS or a FWB would automatically end up life partner.
I also know a few people who have separated despite having great sex right up to the end (both sides btw) but the relationship itself wasn't fulfilling for either of them.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 10:39

A woman I worked with had no inkling that anything was wrong in her marriage.
They had sex in the morning , then he got out of bed and said he was leaving. Packed a bag and left to his mistress.

19Bears · 25/10/2021 11:03

This is all so true - the going round in circles, staying for the kids, how can you leave just for sex.... It's exhausting. But I've never felt it so much as I do now that a relationship without sex (or even 'normal' intimacy without getting as far as sex) is just a friendship. Sex is the glue, I totally agree @GoodnightGrandma

I remember asking my friend how she managed to end it with her exh, and she said that she just told him straight that they would never ever be having sex again, and he agreed this was not a proper marriage and left. I plucked up the courage to say the same thing to dh two years ago, thinking this was the absolute clearest thing I could say to him, and he couldn't have been less bothered. He said it had been this way for so long, he didn't even think about it anymore, and if I was prepared to break up the family over this, then I was a very selfish person. So here we are. Sometimes he just doesn't speak to me, sometimes he acts as if everything's normal, shows me 'funny' videos on twitter... and I'm screaming on the inside.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 11:11

So why are you staying @19Bears. Your relationhsip sounds soul destroying and would be with or wo sex....

Lana07 · 25/10/2021 11:17

@TravelLost

So why are you staying *@19Bears*. Your relationhsip sounds soul destroying and would be with or wo sex....
Very often for many people because of potential financial losses.

I agree it's not worth wasting your life on the wrong person.

Concestor · 25/10/2021 11:18

Can I join? My husband and I haven't had sex since we conceived our 7yo. We have had a lot of losses and haven't really had sex for fun since just after our eldest was born 12 years ago.

We tried counselling last year but he hasn't made any changes. He doesn't hug or touch me, never calls me anything v(like he doesn't use my manner or a nickname he just starts talking to me, it's so weird and impersonal(.

I've talked and talked to him about it, he assures me he loves me but we live like flatmates. I don't even fancy him any more as he's got older and a bit fat and there's no connection between us to keep me interested.

I feel so stuck as if we split I will end up on benefits in a flat and it will be such a struggle but I have a high sex drive and really miss sex! I feel so lonely.

19Bears · 25/10/2021 11:33

It is soul destroying, @TravelLost and you're right - with or without the sex, I plain don't like him. But as @Lana07 and @zurala say, it's not as easy as just packing up and leaving. I've got my kids to think about. The last thing I want for them is the upheaval of moving away from our home, because of something only I want. On the other hand, I don't want them to think this is a normal mam and dad relationship, and this is the only example they are seeing, which is really sad. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow, hopefully to find out where I stand as regards staying in the house.
And even though my kids and my work and wider responsibilities take up all of my time and energy and I keep myself busy, the loneliness is killing me.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 12:25

As someone who has wanted to leave for some time now, I’d say to all of you in the same boat - prepare.
Be ready, as one day you will most probably do it, and it’s best to be ahead of the game. But if you don’t do it, you’ve done no harm.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 12:52

@19Bears I get it. I really do.

It’s never as easy as what MN seems to think: not working? Just leave.

Macaroni46 · 25/10/2021 13:52

@TravelLost as someone who stayed in an unhappy marriage for years because I couldn't see my way out, my advice is set yourself a goal of when you'll leave by. In my case it was once my youngest was at uni. But leading up to that time I had planned and prepared. I'd done my research, seen a solicitor, saved money and thought about what I would do in terms of logistics. In my case, I moved out and rented a small flat temporarily. I had mentally prepared myself for leaving the family home and allowed myself time to get out over it.
In the end, the house was sold and I was able to buy a smaller but actually far nicer place in the same city. Not as salubrious an area, but nice nevertheless. My DC see the new house as home and also regularly stay at their dad's.
Their comments to me upon my leaving - why on earth didn't you go sooner?

Pky45 · 25/10/2021 16:31

I think I’m in the same place as @19Bears, I didn’t actually want to have sex with my wife anymore and I don’t really like her much either now,
but I also think she is fine with how things are now,, so she has a nice house, nice life style a d is happy with that.
I think she will shocked when I pull the plug, and I’ll get blamed for being the one splitting us up, but actually it’s her fault, but she is too blind to see that

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