How to be in charge with FIL. (Trigger warning CSA)

[Needanewname87]

So, I have a shitty situation to deal with. My FIL has a historic conviction for child sex offences. I don’t know exactly what happened. No one will tell me. I do know it was 25+ years ago, he is the victim’s uncle and was convicted and given a suspended jail term (so he didn’t actually go to jail). He’s not been caught doing anything illegal since. His family seem certain he has never repeated that behavior, and are happy to see him with the rule that he is never left unsupervised with any children. I have a newborn baby. I had naively assumed that our baby would have nothing to do with this relative because that was the obvious conclusion for me. Turns out my DH feels differently and wants our baby to have a relationship with their paternal grandfather. He thinks constant supervision is enough. I think it would be better if they never have any contact whatsoever. But the problem is I can’t insist on zero contact because if my DH wanted to divorce me over this he would be able to take our child to see FIL as often as he liked. So it’s pointless me insisting to the point where it breaks us up. Which it might. I honestly thought DH would come to the conclusion he couldn’t possibly have our child around his dad and he honestly thought I would be comfortable with them having a constantly supervised relationship. I met FIL many times before finding out about his crime. I never liked him because he’s old fashioned and makes shitty vaguely sexual comments about my appearance and women in general. In the same way many older men do. Shitty behavior. But too vague to cause an argument over. Not enough to be classed as harassment. Just bog standard shitty entitled male behavior. So I’ve got used to biting my tongue and just not laughing or smiling at him when he makes that kind of remark. Now I know he’s also (or was in the past) capable of horrible entitled sexual behavior towards children I need to be different in my interactions with him. Not polite DIL who won’t laugh at sexist jokes but who won’t rock the boat. I need to be the scary mama bear you don’t even dream of messing with. I want rules that FIL won’t like. Like no pictures with our baby ever. And no holding the baby/having toddler on his knees. Ever. Ideally no physical contact ever. I’m certainly not going to let him touch me ever again - so no hug goodbye kind of thing. No meeting in his house where I find it harder to be assertive. He’s not welcome in my house. I need non confrontational ways to hold these boundaries so that my DH will be satisfied that our baby was able to meet their (extremely flawed) paternal grandfather, but without me freaking out and screaming ´you disgusting paedo’ and ruining our marriage and losing even more control over the situation. Any suggestions?

I think it’s unlikely a child protection social worker would decide that a registered sex offender would not be a risk to their own children.

I tool it at face value because op said that her h has all of the memories of growing up with a "normal" childhood (incorporating divorce of course) with his Dad, and those seem to predominate over what he must've found out later (?)

It sounds like he grew up with contact with his father, even after the case/suspended sentence and divorce.

You are putting your man first, no matter what.

I've had a brief look for the thread with circumstances very similar to this from s while back, but havent found it .... if it's the same op, myself and numerous others urged her to consider her future with this man (the op had no kids yet, may have already been married) and that leaving might really ve the nest option, but it was obvious she was not remotely likely to end the relationship. Some sympathetic posters have highlighted this sort of hostage situation she's now in with her child; but it seems like it's one she entered, because she simply could not cut her losses with her his man & his family, and in time look for another partner without something like this.

(Of course "this" is common apparently, so why would she).

*because she simply could not cut her losses with this man & his family

the op dosent deserve this pile on. if she runs she will likely be convicted of child abduction and loose custody and the her "d"h can take kids to FILs all he likes. she dosent appear to be protecting this man - infacet she says she hopes he dies asap. France appears to have a totally shit legal system on this - no lower age of consent!! french soical services allowing contact etc. She isnt going to get legal support to go no contact, she has to play a clever game to protect her child!

Cbtb has she tried a legal route? A social services route? Saying an absolute no to her DH? Nope. She is just inferring that these aren’t options because she has already decided to give into her DH which is apparently the only option —it simply is not, it is the easiest option— as she keeps reiterating

@Muttly

Cbtb has she tried a legal route? A social services route? Saying an absolute no to her DH? Nope. She is just inferring that these aren’t options because she has already decided to give into her DH which is apparently the only option —it simply is not, it is the easiest option— as she keeps reiterating

maybe she hasn't because she knows the legal system in France better than you do?

So many replies on this thread presumed (despite it being explicitly stated) that the OP was in the UK. She is not. She is in France.

giving in to her OP is not the easiest option. staying with him to avoid handing over her child to a man who will be given equal custody/access without her being there is hardly an easy option.

I'd find out what he did. Still wouldn't feel comfortable. I'd speak to social services and see if it was possible if child couldn't see him. I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable.

Agree with everything @Buildingthefuture said

@Muttly I think she has said she will seek further legal advice in France. You don’t need to be an expert to realise that France is probably even worse than the Uk in this area -
www.latimes.com/world-nation/story/2020-02-21/french-writer-gabriel-matzneff-pedophile?_amp=true

www.rfi.fr/en/france/20211005-french-catholic-clergy-sexually-abused-more-than-200-000-children

www.politico.eu/article/france-moves-toward-setting-15-as-age-of-consent-what-took-it-so-long/amp/

www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-56110052.amp

This is a country that only introduced a lower age of consent last year!!! The BBC link above says that 1 in 10 French children have experienced incest. I don’t think we can really on the French state to keep this child safe.

And sadly OP is correct it appears that it is v common situation in France - 1/10
Children sexually abused inside the home. Pedophila still regarded as ok by many. She would likely be seen as outside the normal to not want her kid to have contact with FIL over there

The UK at least has had a cultural shift even if we don’t get stuff right. However not as much as I had hoped. A former school friend was convicted of possession of indecent images of a child. I have cut all contact. Some of my now former friends have not. Some of them have children. These were people I considered decent. I’d say it’s a 70:30 split between cut off:stay friends. It has been more of a shock than finding out about the guys crimes to find out that not all of my friends find it a friendship breaker.