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Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
Ori3 · 11/10/2021 13:09

Nah bin him off & find yourself a nice guy which he ain’t

NowEvenBetter · 11/10/2021 13:09

Mistresses not getting the attention they want, and coming here to type out drivel is so dreary , like, there’s actual websites for humiliating yourself. Source one. What’s the point of this? No one is going to tell you that your dirty man will end up in a blissful, trusting relationship with you, and not getting the replies you want is making you angry, Jody D 1973.

MushMonster · 11/10/2021 13:09

So you know what you are doing.
If he leaves his wife, you win a cheater, hurt step children, hurt own children....
If he does not, you go through all this for nothing.
Cheating works out very few times.
Falling in love is not a terminal illness. Loving someone is. If you do love, you would see that stepping away before anyine gets hurt is the way. If I love a man, I cannot do anything to see him disliked by his own children. If I let him free and then comes back to me once he is free, then he is mine.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2021 13:10

You are punishing yourself. Because your H had an affair that “worked” you hope yours will too and despite a bit of lip service to the “pain” you are causing you would still do the same.

Stop making excuses. Everything you do is a choice.

My3cents1 · 11/10/2021 13:11

You know he is married but you continue to go there. You are just a notch on his belt.... Even if you get what you want, I imagine he will at some point cheat on you. Have more respect for yourself and women in general and dump him. Never be a side piece!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 11/10/2021 13:12

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
You walked away 4 times, so yeah you did ask to be in this situation, no-one made you do it.
Essen · 11/10/2021 13:13

Also, if he can lie to his wife, he will have absolutely no issue with lying to you.

MrMrsJones · 11/10/2021 13:15

If he is telling the truth and some do...then give him a timeline, by the end of the month I want you to leave her...

Then stay away until he has done just that.

Journeyofthedragons · 11/10/2021 13:15

I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love!

Pathetic & embarrassing.

MatildaJayne · 11/10/2021 13:18

But you weren't happy in your marriage. When I found about about the OW, I was completely blindsided. I thought we were happy, I was happy at least. You don't really know what's going on in his marriage, he could be lying to you, lying to himself. He's certainly lying to his wife.

RaininSummer · 11/10/2021 13:20

Sorry but if you were my daughter I would be ashamed of your behaviour. I would also be sad and concerned for you but you chose to see this married man and let it get far enough that you say you love him.

Chasingsquirrels · 11/10/2021 13:21

Sometimes (but probably not very often) they do.
I know of two that were fairly long affairs (years rather than weeks or months) where they eventually split with the marriage partner and got together with the affair partner - and stayed together.
But even if it works out for the affair partners there is still fall out, spouses, children, friendships.
And if the affair partners have any morals there is also long lasting emotional consequences for them, even if overall they are happy with the affair partner.

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/10/2021 13:21

10 months???? No way. It's the age-old story: he's stringing you along. How can you be happy knowing you're with a man who's living with another woman? How can you be happy knowing you're with a cheat? No matter what he says, he is still having sex with his wife.

sunsshineshowerss · 11/10/2021 13:23

You deserve everything coming your way 🤡
Yes affairs work for person cheating getting the best of both worlds. Trust me if he wanted to leave his wife for you he would have done 🥴 you should be embarrassed you've fallen for his drivel ! Pathetic

AnotherLauraLou · 11/10/2021 13:26

He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.

That’s an excuse.

He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years
They all say that. What makes you think you’re so different?

You didn’t fall in to any situation. You made a choice and somehow your choice to ‘have a bit of fun’ is made worse because you know what it’s like to be cheated on!

Hawkins001 · 11/10/2021 13:27

@JodyD1973

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets. We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her. But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.
in my experience of people i know having them, its more of an addition to the persons marriage, and it depends on the arrangement, eg my experience the usual would be a no emotional strings, bit of fun and helping to entertain each others desires and kinks,

usually the affair is helping to fill a void in the marriage eg lack of attention , lack of closeness and affection in different departments and despite measures to rectify the situation the attempts were unsuccessful but at the same time they love and care deeply for each other, hence the staying together.

overall if i was to be part of an affair, id never expect the person to leave their partner, that its a nice arrangement, and as long as all communications are kept professional to leave no trace for eg a partner looks, or if all behaviours, meetings eg hotels ect, match up with official reasons for being at x,y,z ect.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 11/10/2021 13:30

@Deedee121

Walk away. If he truly wants to be with you he will leave his wife
This. Call his bluff.

At the moment he's got his cake and eating it and as long as you go along with this unhealthy arrangement you'll never know whether he's telling the truth about his marriage and is prepared to commit to you full time.

YouJustFoldItIn · 11/10/2021 13:30

Come on op - the reality is he is unlikely to leave

And yet every few days we see posts from women whose husbands have done just that.

AtillatheHun · 11/10/2021 13:31

He’ll leave the marriage when he has a reason to. It’s not you.

AmIteallythatstupid · 11/10/2021 13:31

So I'm in my mid 40s and have a large group of friends who over the years have been victims of adultery or have in turn committed adultery.

3 of my friends way back when in our early 20s had affairs with married men. One it fizzled out over time (the guy is still with his wife 18 yrs later). The other two it was really horrible as it dragged on for a couple of years each. One started 6 months after he married, so no children involved, he met all her family but they had no idea he was married. He made so many false promises, they booked holidays that he backed out of the night before they were due to depart, he even came away with a group of us for a w/e. He was always going to leave his wife it was just tricky finding the right time. This continued until my friend discovered 2 yrs into it that his wife (who he never had sex with) was pregnant with their first child. Needless to say she was heartbroken but he never looked back. The other similar story but the lies and broken promises near on destroyed her. Hes still with his wife.

Fast forward, 5 of us have been cheated on (all married.....i know aren't we a lucky bunch - none of these are the friends that had previously cheated with married men, before you all scream karma)

Only one marriage broke up following disclosure. 4 husbands immediately ended their affairs and stayed with their wives and as far as i can see all are happy. 1 left his AP and agreed to give things another go, only for her to discover him cheating with someone else 6 months later. She chucked him out and he moved in with OW only for him to cheat on her 6 months later, he moved straight in with the next woman who he was with for 2 years only to be caught cheating yet again....hes just married this one so we'll see.

So in my experience its not looking too positive but you may be the exception!

Jduh · 11/10/2021 13:32

My MIL is about to marry the man she had been having an affair with since DH was 8 (he's now 36).
My FIL left for another woman when DH was 19 and they are still married 17 years later.

Partyowl · 11/10/2021 13:33

You were betrayed by your husband during your marriage - yet feel fit to do the same to another woman even though (you said it yourself) you know the hurt you will cause.
Maybe you actually deserve each other.

bigbaggyeyes · 11/10/2021 13:34

Actions speak louder than words, he's not left his wife, why? Because he doesn't want to! If he did, he'd have done so.

You deserve better, leave him for someone who's not prepared to lie and cheat to 2 people. His dw might not know about you and he's lying to her, but he's also lying to you about his future.

ravenmum · 11/10/2021 13:36

Well, when I found out about my exh's affair, we broke up. He was reluctant to leave but eventually moved out. Never lived with his OW and she dumped him a couple of years later. Our younger son and I had therapy/medication. For the first few years, I stayed in the house and the kids saw their dad once a week.

Being kept apart by an affair makes a relationship intense and exciting when you are together, but you don't know them in real life. If my exh and his mistress had met normally it probably would have petered out much faster. And the fact they stayed together for a couple of years afterwards may be partly due to the fact that they had invested so much in their relationship (both breaking up families) and didn't want to admit that it wasn't great after all.

But of course, sometimes it works and the new couple lives happily ever after, and the kids may even accept them. In another case I know from my family, the kids changed their name to their mum's name as they didn't want to have their dad's name any more, or anything else to do with him, but that is no doubt quite extreme and rare.

Pippyweather · 11/10/2021 13:36

I have an ex-friend who had an affair with a married man for 2 years. He left his wife and they are now living together.

They are welcome to each other; both immoral, highly sexed individuals with absolutely no shame, ego-centric and hugely selfish. Plus complete coke heads. Hence shes my ex-friend.

I'm just waiting for it all to go horribly wrong. Which it will.