Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
TumtumTree · 11/10/2021 12:17

Walk away, OP. If he loved you, he'd be with you.

GentlemanJay · 11/10/2021 12:17

To play devils advocate. I have a female friend who found herself in the same situation.

There was always a reason he couldn't tell his wife he was leaving. It smelt of bullshit. One day he actually did leave.

My friend and him are now seeing each other. Quite cleverly the wife doesn't know about the year long affair or the fact he's seeing her now.

I'm not sure what the future holds for them. I see problems ahead, but for now it seems to be working.

CheesusWept · 11/10/2021 12:17

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
You didn’t ask to fall into this situation? Where you forced into it?

It’s his wife who didn’t ask to fall into this situation, but you clearly couldn’t give a fuck about her.

GentlemanJay · 11/10/2021 12:19

So set him a date to leave his wife. Give him an ultimatum. Then you will finally know.

BlueSlate · 11/10/2021 12:21

I just do not understand how anyone can find themselves in this position.

A man seeking to cheat on his wife is one of the most unattractive qualities!

They usually only 'work' when the wife discovers and kicks him out andnthen he is faced with losing his family and being homeless and for what? So he decides to 'make the best of a bad situation'.

Oh the romance...

Bigeggsinapackoften · 11/10/2021 12:21

How did you “fall into” this situation?

Buildingthefuture · 11/10/2021 12:22

You know this man is married. Where is your self respect? Or your respect for his poor bloody wife??? Whilst you “lay awake at night” worrying if your seedy, sordid “relationship” will come to anything, she is probably laid awake at night, because she KNOWS something is going on, but he is no doubt gas lighting the fuck out of her, all the while spinning you the oldest tale in the book!!
“when you marry the mistress you create a vacancy”. Remember that…..Drop the lying fucker like a hot brick then do some work on yourself to re-discover your own value, boundaries and morals.

Winniemarysarah · 11/10/2021 12:23

Does he have children op?

SirGawain · 11/10/2021 12:24

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
You didn't 'fall' into this situation you went into it of your own volition.
Winniemarysarah · 11/10/2021 12:26

Oh I’ve just read that he has. I agree with pp. You CHOSE this. The second a person with any morals feels the slightest bit of attraction to someone who is out of bounds, they immediately do anything they can to stay away from them. He’s no better but you’re actively taking a part in breaking up a family. People like you are the scum of the earth.

Justme10 · 11/10/2021 12:27

You have walked away 4 time and he didn't leave his wife on any of the occasions to get you back, I think that tells you what you need to know.
Time to walk away and start fresh.

Anordinarymum · 11/10/2021 12:27

An affair is not a relationship. It's the theft of someone else's investment in the person you are shagging.

It means you are a thief and so is the other man/woman.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2021 12:28

There's usually a reason why he can't leave at the moment.

Honestly, i don't know how you could ever trust a man who's actively lying and betraying the woman he married but each to their own

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2021 12:29

It’s his wife who didn’t ask to fall into this situation, but you clearly couldn’t give a fuck about her.

Truth.

Lucked · 11/10/2021 12:30

Walk away.

I would bet my money that the previous two times he has left his wife he was also having an affair. Men like him don’t leave unless they are already having sex with someone else and he went back to her when it didn’t work out with the other woman.

If you left him now would he still leave his wife? No he would not. Tells you everything you need to know.

BreadPita · 11/10/2021 12:30

It sounds like it is working (for him). If he really hates being with his wife and lives you, it should really be a no-brainer. It isn't because he doesn't. He likes having a wife and a bit on the side.

CornishGem1975 · 11/10/2021 12:31

Yes, affairs can work out, just the same as any other relationship. Some fail, some go on forever, but the relationship will only work if it works for both of you.

As an aside, I don't believe the 'once a cheater' trope. Because I myself have cheated in the past. Certainly doesn't make me any more likely to cheat now, as there were a lot of factors involved at that time. It's not always as clear cut as people like to make out.

Coogee · 11/10/2021 12:32

To play devils advocate. I have a female friend who found herself in the same situation.

So have I. The “Will he?” “Won’t he?” went on for five years. Eventually, he did. They have been married for over fifteen years now and seem happy enough.

takeanotherchillpill · 11/10/2021 12:33

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
Yes you did ask for this situation - YOU have made a series of decisions that have exactly led you to this scenario.

You cannot blame anybody except yourself... and waiting around for the occasional hurried and snatched clinch is a little pathetic.

number87inthequeue · 11/10/2021 12:34

Even if what he is telling you is true (ie that he is unhappy in his marriage, he has left before and regrets going back, that something at work means this would be a difficult time to leave), it sounds like he is very selfish. If he wasn't he would leave his wife and give her space to get over the break up- and even if he hadn't done this before meeting you he would have done so at some point in the last 10 months rather than continuing to cheat. He would rather have your life made difficult by putting off leaving his wife than do it at a time that is not ideal for him.

As pp have said, I'd be surprised if there are not a string of excuses why he can't leave yet.

I think the question you should be asking is not 'can affairs work' but 'do I want to waste my energy on a selfish man who may at some time decide that it suits him to be with me properly'

Angrymum22 · 11/10/2021 12:36

@GentlemanJay

To play devils advocate. I have a female friend who found herself in the same situation.

There was always a reason he couldn't tell his wife he was leaving. It smelt of bullshit. One day he actually did leave.

My friend and him are now seeing each other. Quite cleverly the wife doesn't know about the year long affair or the fact he's seeing her now.

I'm not sure what the future holds for them. I see problems ahead, but for now it seems to be working.

Yes very clever of him to leave the door open to return to his wife without her ever knowing he has cheated or is seeing someone else now. Why would he need to keep his mistress secret now?
AnyFucker · 11/10/2021 12:38

He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her

Convenient

If he wanted to end his marriage for you he would have done it on one of those 4 occasions you “walked away”

IamAporcupine · 11/10/2021 12:39

@CheesusWept

You are such a pathetic cliche. How utterly embarrassing.
No need for this.

Yes, lots of men are cheaters and will always cheat, but that does not mean that there are also other men out there who are truly unhappy in their marriages. I do not understand why this is always seen as an 'old story'.

In answeer to your question OP, I think it is possible for some affairs to turn into long-term happy relationships, but probably most do not, as people either realise they do not actually want to break up their family, or find it very difficult to do it (understandably).

NowEvenBetter · 11/10/2021 12:39

How embarrassing Jody D 1973 (did you use your real name, initial and year of birth? 🤣) maybe one day you can get your prize of a dirty man who is proven untrustworthy. You’ve put the hard work in, of deluding yourself, lusting, typing drivel texts etc. So what a prize that’ll be, eh. 😂😂😂

ShoesEverywhere · 11/10/2021 12:39

My mum slept with two married men when I was younger. Neither left their wives for her despite promises to. Both times the wives found out and both times they stayed together.

I wouldn't expect much.