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Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
SecretGardenn · 11/10/2021 12:39

The foundations of your 'relationship' are lies and deceit. Really solid foundations Hmm
You will find in reality it was his wife who didn't ask for this, you and her husband put her in this situation. Saying you didn't ask to fall into this situation is laughable and outrageously insensitive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/10/2021 12:39

He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.

Then it'll be that he is going to stay for Christmas 'for the kids' because he's such a nice dad and wants to give them a lovely Christmas.

Then it'll be a family illness that means his wife needs his support and because he's such a nice guy he can't abandon her at her time of need but doesn't love her 'like that' anymore.

Then it'll be that he told her he wants to leave but she threatened to hurt herself / stop him seeing the kids and he's such a good guy it's killing him so he's going to stay until she calms down.

And on and on and on.

Life's too short to be an arsehole to people or be sleeping with someone who is an arsehole. You're both being awful to his wife and kids by shagging behind the scenes.

He's being a coward and, assuming he lies about where he is when he's with you / secretly messages you etc, is emotionally abusing her to a certain extent either through lying repeatedly or gaslighting.

You're being an enabler and also slowly eroding your own self esteem because every time he says he will leave her and doesn't do so, you will wonder why you aren't enough for him.

For everyone 99 stories like the above there might be 1 that's happily ever after. Continuing on the basis of those kind of odds is foolish as well as selfish.

Don't you want to be better than this? The script he's feeding you is completely one sided - you don't know the reality of him behind closed doors as an actual partner or father, only what he tells you he is like. Don't be so silly as to think you know and love him. You don't know the real him - in fact the only thing you 100% undeniably know about him is that he's a cheat. Don't you want someone better than that?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 11/10/2021 12:40

You've said he's left her a couple of times and then gone back, now its a work 'incident' next it will be because it's Christmas.

See the pattern? It's not going to work because he's never going to leave her. Why would he when he can have both?

TableFlowerss · 11/10/2021 12:41

He wants his cake and to eat it. He loves no one but himself. He’s got you for a bit of fun on the side, his wife for everything else.

If he was that serious about you, he would have left his wife.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 11/10/2021 12:44

What kind of 'work incident' requires someone to stay in an unhappy marriage?!

If he won't leave his wife yet, even with you waiting for him, means he definitely wouldn't leave her if you weren't around, ergo his marriage can't be THAT unhappy.

Cut your losses, don't waste any more time, he is deceiving you.

Strangevipers · 11/10/2021 12:44

He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.

Come on OP you know better

Move on

Find someone worthy of your time

Lowering yourself to be the OW with damage you self esteem

godmum56 · 11/10/2021 12:45

Affairs work for as long as one of the pair can kid themselves into believing the other one's lies

DiamondBright · 11/10/2021 12:47

Presumably you walking away was supposed to prompt him to leave his wife, on all four occasions !!!

Why woman want someone else's unfaithful husband I don't know.

TheAverageUser · 11/10/2021 12:49

I suspect there are occasional examples but on the whole no.

I would wonder if he's so miserable with his wife why hasn't he left her? Waiting for a better option? Coward? None of them are attractive.

Then you'll always know that having an affair is something he's able and willing to do.

Moonface123 · 11/10/2021 12:50

Men always seem to benefit much more from an affair, l think it's called having your cake and eating it.
You are a good strike to his ego.
Men can tell women absolutely anything, remember love is not what you say, love is what you do. Ask anyone who has been involved with a married man, they all sing from the same song sheet.

Unsure33 · 11/10/2021 12:50

yes they can . occasionally.

however i would end this till he leaves his wife.

then you will know how serious he is .

MrsMoastyToasty · 11/10/2021 12:50

Why are you with such a weak individual? One that cannot "forsake all others"....
Get some self respect . Get tested for STI 's. . If he's dipping his wick in you he's likely to be dipping it in others.

Moonface123 · 11/10/2021 12:50

Stroke

NowEvenBetter · 11/10/2021 12:54

I suspect JodyD1973 is typing out a reply along the lines of us bitter bitches don’t understaaaand, not everything is black and white, you can’t help who you fall in love with (which is why you see people falling in love with the binman/random pedestrian every second…) and all the tired old mistress cliches. Yawn.

MushMonster · 11/10/2021 12:54

Oh, come on! Yet again.
I tried to be sympathetic, but y
then I got to the line "I did not ask to be in this situation...."
Well, that would only be true if you are a 10 year old child trapped in this shite.
If you are an acting adult, guess what? It is your concious, fully knowing decision. You can just say no, thank you very much!
At least own to that, to the fact that you know what you are doing, yet choose to do it!

Angrymum22 · 11/10/2021 12:57

You are not having an affair you are his mistress. There is a subtle difference. He has a comfortable domestic arrangement with his wife. You are just for sex.
Affairs are usually between two people who are married to two other people.

ChorizoJacketPotato · 11/10/2021 12:57

You’re In The wrong place here I’m afraid OP.

GrimDamnFanjo · 11/10/2021 12:58

Why is he unhappy?
Why has he looked elsewhere?

Yummypumpkin · 11/10/2021 13:01

I know couples who got together after an affair and are very happy many years later.

In all instances the cheater left his partner almost immediately.

Not after two plus years.

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 13:01

I put this post up to gather other people’s opinions what I didn’t expect was to be sworn at, called pathetic and embarrassing. Am I embarrassed that I’ve ended up in this situation yes I am. Am I an embarrassment in other aspects of my life no I am not! For I was that wife who got cheated on, I do know the hurt this will cause as I’ve done it, been there and built myself up, moved forward, got promoted at work, and made a home for me and my kids never expecting to fall into my “situation” so for all of you commenting. You never know the full story of what a person has been through!
I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love! The guilt does eat away at me, as I know it’s wrong. I know exactly how she will feel should it come out, it’s horrific. The worst pain ever. I know because I was her and I’m now doing the exact same thing which I do struggle with for those saying I don’t give a fuck.
I also know I may be getting spun the biggest load of bullshit! But I stupidly fell in love. I just don’t know how much longer I can live this lie and will probably walk.
And to put it out there my ex is still with his other woman, do I despise her? No I do not. She gets on with our kids and my ex looks happy. And I knew in our marriage we were not but was too frightened to leave for the kids. That decision was taken out my hands.

OP posts:
holrosea · 11/10/2021 13:04

From personal experience as a former OW, walk away. I was similarly head over heels with a married man who had an "unhappy" marriage, wasn't loved/understood/prioritised, etc. He was an expat so our relationship wasn't exactly clandestine, but I always played second fiddle (he'd leave mid conversation if his phone rang, I organised my weekends around when he would be traveling, I neglected my own friendships and hobbies to be available when he was).

Eventually the emotional unavailability and the decption became too much for me, and I broke it off. It was painful and very messy for me, but guess what? He's still with his wife and he'll still tell any unsuspecting idiot how his marriage is hollow (info from mutual freinds, I have nothing to do with him).

Annecdotally, I thought I was just young and stupid,but my mum's friend is nearly 70 and found herself involved with a married man. Despite the age gap, the geographical location, the different men involved, they BOTH said exactly the same thing "my marriage is loveless, we don't have sex, I'm staying for the kids". Her one had also left his wife twice, and had returned twice.

Please stop investing yourself in someone who is capable of such deception.

HeartsAndClubs · 11/10/2021 13:05

Statistically affairs are more likely to work if the person ends their current relationship within weeks rather than years.

Affairs do happen, but while it’s true that they do occasionally lead to a permanent relationship more often they don’t, and the affair partner is lied to just as much as the wife.”Oh I’ll leave her after Christmas/after the kids exams/after graduation,” and it never happens.

If he wanted to be with you he would.

I do know someone who met her now DH when he was still married. It started out as an emotional affair only, and she refused to have any more to do with him until he ended things with his wife, which he did, that night. They then got together and have been happily married for about 25 years now IIRC. And interestingly she has a good relationship with both the ex wife and his kids. But presumably that was a relationship which needed to end for whatever reason. I doubt things would have been so amicable if they’d snuck around for a year.

NowEvenBetter · 11/10/2021 13:06

Strange how you think you ‘fell’ into being a mistress. Did you not make any choices along the way? 😄
Zero sympathy here. Maybe ask your lover.

Essen · 11/10/2021 13:07

He has returned to his wife twice before. That suggests that the most important relationship for him is with his wife and that he enjoys having affairs on the side. I think a lot of people only ‘leave’ their spouse, kids and home because they get kicked out and have no choice.

BobbiPinsOn · 11/10/2021 13:09

OP walk away