Do affairs work?

[JodyD1973]

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

My dp and I had an affair
Desparately felt we should be together
In love etc etc
But we got caught, his now ex wife was quite rightly distraught.
We ended our affair and it was utterly awful for everyone.
We met five yrs later, I was divorced, and he was "separating, he had left but gone back" But as much as I still loved him, had not stopped thinking about him.. I told him that he could get in touch when he was separated, living in his own place and had started divorce proceedings.
And I walked away.
It was hard but I'd survived first time.
He did all the above within a week.
We took it slowly and I was cautious about getting too invested..but he did get divorced and we have been together for last 6 yrs as a full normal couple.

My advice is 200% end it now, tell him he can come and find you when he can show he is serious about divorcing.
And hold firm, its very hard but otherwise you may end up years down the track wasting your life waiting for a man who is happy with a wife and a mistress.

@JodyD1973

I put this post up to gather other people’s opinions what I didn’t expect was to be sworn at, called pathetic and embarrassing. Am I embarrassed that I’ve ended up in this situation yes I am. Am I an embarrassment in other aspects of my life no I am not! For I was that wife who got cheated on, I do know the hurt this will cause as I’ve done it, been there and built myself up, moved forward, got promoted at work, and made a home for me and my kids never expecting to fall into my “situation” so for all of you commenting. You never know the full story of what a person has been through! I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love! The guilt does eat away at me, as I know it’s wrong. I know exactly how she will feel should it come out, it’s horrific. The worst pain ever. I know because I was her and I’m now doing the exact same thing which I do struggle with for those saying I don’t give a fuck. I also know I may be getting spun the biggest load of bullshit! But I stupidly fell in love. I just don’t know how much longer I can live this lie and will probably walk. And to put it out there my ex is still with his other woman, do I despise her? No I do not. She gets on with our kids and my ex looks happy. And I knew in our marriage we were not but was too frightened to leave for the kids. That decision was taken out my hands.

So you started shagging a married man for a bit of fun? You have no defense for any shit that gets thrown your way and nor does he. No excuse in the world will ever make cheating right.

You’re an absolute disgrace and should be ashamed of yourself. I LOATHE people like you.

Why the fuck would you even want to be with this man? You know for a fact he’s a cheater…

Seriously, you’re not special. He’ll do it to you one day. Ever heard the saying ‘when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy’

Disgusting.

Most of mn (me included if I'm honest) don't agree that an affair should work out in the end - the way it starts is so deceitful and absolutely guaranteed to end with people getting hurt that really, a happy ending isn't deserved.
BUT the reality is that people meet and have affairs and sometimes the relationship with affair partner ends up working out.

10 months is enough time for him to have figured out if he's leaving his wife or not.
It's also enough time for you to work out if you're prepared for the fall out either way - either he's going to leave and you're going to be the mistress who destroyed his family, with all the stress that comes with it, or he's going to stay with his wife and you're going to spend your time on pins, waiting for him to be available and wasting your life.

If he hasn't left yet, chances are he isn't going to - unless his wife finds out and forces his hand. You know this.

It's also not healthy to be so available for someone to whom you are a secondary relationship. Stop ditching your friends so you can wait around for this man.

If I'm honest, I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak no matter what you do but if I were in your shoes, I'd ditch him, spend time with friends etc and heal. Block him everywhere - email, social media, WhatsApp, phone number etc. Go cold Turkey, relying on friends for support if you need it.

Even if he leaves his wife tomorrow, his kids aren't going to like you, he's going to go through a messy divorce, his finances will change, your relationship won't be all free and fun, it'll be balancing time with the kids, doing chores etc. Exactly the circumstances which have resulted in his disengaging at home and having an affair in the first place.

@Partyowl

You were betrayed by your husband during your marriage - yet feel fit to do the same to another woman even though (you said it yourself) you know the hurt you will cause. Maybe you actually deserve each other.

Completely agree. I was watching a show last night which said something along the lines that those who have been cheated on, rarely cheat as they understand the catastrophic hurt and pain that doing so would cause.

Hearing that you're doing this, having gone through it, I find completely incomprehensible. If you know the pain it causes, why would you want to be part of this for someone else?

Maybe you're both morally bankrupt?

His a cheater and a lier

IF he leaves his wife, which i highly doubt, He will cheat on you!

He has no morals and no respect

sounds like you've got some unresolved issues around your first marriage OP. Are you sure that you're not subconsciously trying to recreate the situation that caused you so much pain, but this time you're cast in a role of the affair partner instead of victim? I think you need to have a long hard think about why you are so willing to inflict that same pain on someone else.

It's wrong on so many counts.

I wish people like you and him and your ex just owned up and admitted that nice people do not cheat and lie.
Get out of one relationship before starting another and don't justify having affairs.

A tale as old as time... no, not a sweet romance, but a married man lying to his bit on the side.

If he wanted to be with you then he would, nothing would stop him. He doesn't want to and is using his wife as an excuse. After this latest "work incident" some other excuse will come along.

and you didn't "fall into it", you made a deliberate choice to have some fun with a married man. Own your actions. You made a decision, nobody forced you to see him.

As a woman who has been cheated on, you know full well the pain that you could cause to his wife.

Get some self respect and end it now and find yourself a single bloke.

Completely agree. I was watching a show last night which said something along the lines that those who have been cheated on, rarely cheat as they understand the catastrophic hurt and pain that doing so would cause. IME an awful lot of women who are cheated on then go on to become OW. I have no idea why.

I in particular remember a woman I used to work with, confided in me that her partner had been having an affair,left her,then came back but didn’t bring his suitcase in and left again the same night and ended up with the OW, although I have no idea how it worked out in the long term. Woman was distraught, didn’t come to work for 3 months, people gave her endless sympathy and support. Then a couple of weeks after she came back she announced that she had started seeing someone, they went out for a meal and ended up spending the night in a hotel, and she came in full of how fantastic the sex had been etc . And then dropped into the conversation that he was married. She instantly lost any sympathy she’d had from colleagues, and she said herself she didn’t give a fuck whether he was married, she wanted to sleep with him, so she did.

And I know others who have been OW after being cheated on. Why?

There are an awful lot of platitudes on this thread.

Yes cheating is shitty ... and wouldn't it be great if people who behaved badly got their just deserts ? Sorry but not the real world.

How many second marriages occur after one or other had an affair ? I can think of at least 7 couples amongst kids friends parents .. all of which have been together over 20yrs.

So to answer your question. Yes it might work. Depends on weather he has the courage to end his marriage. Which it sounds like he should do if he is sleeping with you. That is not the action of a man happy in his marriage.

Two of my friends started affairs over 20 years ago (not with each other!) when aged about 40. Both left their husbands and the men they were having affairs with left their wives. They went on to marry their new partners and are still very happily married over 20 years later. Children involved on both sides.

@HeartsAndClubs

Completely agree. I was watching a show last night which said something along the lines that those who have been cheated on, rarely cheat as they understand the catastrophic hurt and pain that doing so would cause. IME an awful lot of women who are cheated on then go on to become OW. I have no idea why.

I in particular remember a woman I used to work with, confided in me that her partner had been having an affair,left her,then came back but didn’t bring his suitcase in and left again the same night and ended up with the OW, although I have no idea how it worked out in the long term. Woman was distraught, didn’t come to work for 3 months, people gave her endless sympathy and support. Then a couple of weeks after she came back she announced that she had started seeing someone, they went out for a meal and ended up spending the night in a hotel, and she came in full of how fantastic the sex had been etc . And then dropped into the conversation that he was married. She instantly lost any sympathy she’d had from colleagues, and she said herself she didn’t give a fuck whether he was married, she wanted to sleep with him, so she did.

And I know others who have been OW after being cheated on. Why?

I’ve no clue why, yes I’ve made the choice to continue seeing this guy. Using the I started seeing him for fun wasn’t the right term, he came along, we laughed and chatted. He showed an interest in what I had to say. I did not expect to develop feelings, and I did not expect to be here 10 months later. I’m not trying to justify myself in anyway I take ownership of this and pretty much know deep down that it’s never going to work. I was looking to see if anyone had similar and it has worked.

I advise you OP to follow @Theredjellybean advice on this. Life isn’t black and white, I cheated in my first marriage— my H wasn’t kind to me and I think I was seeking an exit and was quite young (he was single) - I still regret the huge hurt I caused at the time— I have been crapped on in my 2nd marriage , certainly emotionally, maybe more, don’t think I will ever know and the pain is like nothing else — you don’t genuinely know what their marriage is like , only what he has told you and men are prone to say anything if they are getting fun and sex on the side. If you follow jellybeans advice , if he is telling you the truth he will move things on and quite quickly - if he doesn’t, then he really prefers the status quo

Well this scenario happens a lot between two people, But if one person is not completely free , there is very often going to be problems along the way. You can be deliriously happy and in love during the time you are together as you are now, and make plans. but it's a different matter, when you reach a time, when a big change happens, and you have to sort out lots of things, and problems ,of a new life together, and other people may be involved.

Avoiding the moral questions- if you want the statistics- there is only a tiny chance that your relationship will be become a lasting partnership.

It's about a 5% chance - and about 2% lasting beyond 3 years.
So 50% of marriages stay together once an affair is discovered.
Of the other 50% - the reality hits home hard that the affair relationship was teenage escapism from the reality of parenting, working, bills, family and responsibilities. So after discovery and break up - blending families becomes unrealistic - only about a further 15% even attempt to live as a new couple.
Of those, about half (7%?) start to miss everything they took forgranted and try to patch up their marriage. The other 7% stick it out for one year, 5% two years, about 2% still together after five years.

So I wouldn't pin your hopes if I were you!

My dad left my mum for the other woman and was married to her for 25 years. Then he left her for the next other woman.

Of course he won’t leave her. If he didn’t want to still be in his marriage, he wouldn’t be. He’s staying in it because he likes being married and having a bit on the side.

Sometimes they do OP. I had a friend who had an affair after 10 years of marriage, he was single so I guess that helps and they quickly married and had two children together. They’ve been happily married for almost 20 years.

But, I can’t help but wonder if he’s spinning you a line. It does sound like the classic ‘I want to leave but...I will leave when XYZ has happened....’. At the moment he has the best of both worlds.

Let's see if he leaves his wife OP shall we? If I was a betting woman I know what I'd put my money on.

@ExConstance also has it right: when you are emotionally involved and up close with someone, you cannot see them for who they really are.

Because of hormones/lust/the rush/the secrecy you feel like some kind of forbidden lovers, Romeo & Juliette and all that balls, but as many PP have pointed out, he is lying to someone he swore fidelity and honesty to.

Even if you could have him, do you want someone who can be unfaithful to his wife? Apparently multiple times? Do you want someone that comfortable with deception? And someone pathetic anought to run home as soon as his infidelity impacts his reality? Do you want him spouting off to the next woman he meets about how your own relationship is empty and sexless and there's just no spark? Could you ever trust him not to?

He has a rich and varied life with real people in it. He doesn't have a wife and kids in a vacuum, they are not an abstract. He has lived with these people, spoken to them, eaten with them. He's helped his kids with homework and taken them on days out, he's slept next to and and slept with his wife, he's probably promised her all sorts and he'd be lost without her (especially if she has taken him back twice).

He has celebrated birthdays with them, been on holiday with them, spent Christmas with them. There is an entire life there that you, the OW, are not invited to, you have no part in it. You are nothing. If he saw you in the street with his wife, he'd not even look at you. Thta probably hurts, but that is the reality of being a bit on the side.

Leave him OP. There will always be another excuse and before you know it the years will have gone by.

I know others who have been OW after being cheated on. Why?
I didn't become an OW, but my experience of being cheated on did make me wonder why I'd been faithful all those years! What good did it do me, trying to be a good girl? Him and OW just went on living their lives as if what they had done was fine. It felt like my idea of what was right and wrong had fallen apart.
And after my marriage ended, once I was ready to start dating again, I wasn't looking to get remarried or settle down again any time soon; I just wanted some no-strings fun, with someone not looking to settle down either. A married man would have fallen right into that category!

Well, he sounds like quite the catch - a serial shagger who is almost certainly spinning you a line and enjoying all the thrills and drama. I would put £20 on him still shagging his wife. Once his business issue is resolved another crisis will pop up, followed by another, while you’re spending Christmas and birthdays alone. If he really wanted to leave a work crisis wouldn’t get in the way of that.

I think you need to lay down the law. U dont want to be the other woman u want to be the woman. If he wants to be with you he will make it happen. Ive read a few affair questions on here and nearly always the guy says work commitments or another stress so nows not a good time. I dont think there is ever a good time to end a relationship with someone i presume theyve been wirh for years perhaps have kids or mortgage or whatever. You need to give an ultimatim he ends it with her or he loses you. Sadly you may lose in this situation but your heart will mend. You didnt expect to find him so who knows what(who) else awaits you down the line. Dont put all ur eggs in this one basket because currently hes not and thats important to remember x