Do affairs work?

[JodyD1973]

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

I am not going to get this man as I’ve ended this today for good. I made a bad choice, thinking it would be ok I was wrong… does not make a bad person for making shitty decisions and I’m sure every one of you can think of times you done the same albeit not get into something with someone else’s husband! But other area where you’ve made the wrong choice. Does it give me the right to name call and judge no it does not!

I think unfortunately OP, that it does give people the right to judge. A single shitty mistake happens - to err is to be human. But you continued an affair with a married man with kids for 10 months. That's not a single bad choice - it's morally bankrupt and a situation that not many women would even consider.

If you genuinely only found out on the 4th date that he was married, that's awful - but most women would have walked away on the spot. Your willingness to continue the affair and sod the hurt you're contributing to is the reason you've had such a hard time on here, and the reason why people will rightfully judge you. Being willing to have an affair with a married man with kids does not reflect well on you as a person, no matter how strongly you insist otherwise. Of course, he's an even shittier person, I pity his poor wife.

Your insistence that you "thought it would be OK" and that everyone else has made equally bad choices is so way off the mark, I don't even know where to start with it.

For the sake of his wife and kids, I am glad it's over. Whatever I think of the choices you've made, I hope you can now find happiness with a single bloke who's free to enjoy a proper relationship with you.

@MsLup's post is the true story of what affairs do, and the pain they cause behind the smoke and mirrors of the big romance that the OW likes to paint it all as.

I hope you're OK MsLup, what an incredibly painful time you've been through. I really hope things work out for you

Why not end it and find yourself an available man who is not morally bankrupt? Relationships built on lies and deceit rarely last as the foundations are built on someone else’s pain. Once you have both got what you think you want you will end up with a huge lack of trust in each other and that will bring its own issues.

Depends on how you define "work out." Do they sometimes result in the adulterous man divorcing his wife to marry his mistress? Yes. Do those situations usually end in long-term happiness for the mistress-turned-wife? No. Someone who thinks it's fine to lie to and cheat on his first wife for nearly a year because the alternative - manning up, discussing his marital issues with his wife like an adult, and either staying or leaving on honorable terms - is just so inconvenient is highly likely to do the exact same thing to his second wife once he gets tired of her and someone younger and prettier comes along.

And someone younger, prettier, and willing will come along sooner or later. That's a certainty. The only question is what he'll do about it. And you already know what he did about it the first time it happened.

I'm sorry you're going through all of that MsLup. I can certainly identify with every word.

@MsLup, what a powerful message. I wish you (and your dear pups) the very best.

@JodyD1973
Please read @MsLup post

Then read it again and again and again
You say you've seen the light but is that just lip service to the reactions you've had here

Yes , we probably all have made mistakes but this is no mistake

Date 4 .. married man ... off you fuck pal

@MsLup , sending you all the best for a better future

@MsLup you’re very brave to post so eloquently about the direct effects on you and your life about infidelity. I’m so sorry you have been put through this.
Most people who haven’t been through it think they get the ugliness of infidelity and the pain, but it’s a scratch on the surface to the actual damage it does. Once you have that knowledge you can’t fathom why anyone would ever want to be a part of it, let alone write a text like that one. I’ve read about some low acts on MN, but that’s a knife twister that anyone should be thoroughly ashamed of.

I wish you well and hope you find a path to healing from this life shattering experience. X

OP isn't responsible for MM's vows. I have some lovely friends who have been duped by MM. These MM are often skilled and very persuasive.

So yes, whilst it isn't brilliant that someone is having an affair with a married person, it is the married person's responsibility not the affair partner. They don't tend to know the chated on spouse. They're not the ones bare faced lying and sneaking around.

But op and other people having an affair with a married person. If they tell you that they will split up after x something then reply with 'fine, let me know when you've split up and if I'm still single, we can see if we still want to be together'

it is the married person's responsibility not the affair partner.

Utter nonsense. The affair partner is responsible for their own morals. Continuing an affair when they know the other half is married shows a complete lack of them.

I don’t understand why you would want to be bothered with a married man. He has no free time, he’s a proven liar if he’s cheating with you and you’re his scorn choice. They are willing to ruin their wife’s life and any children they have for some sex on the side. Why is that even attractive?

Men are not a finite resource.. there are billions of men in this world. The way some woken act about married men as if they are the only men is ridiculous. I can assure you.. you can find a man who isn’t married if you try. They are literally everywhere.

The truth of the matter is that some women actually prefer married men. It’s like a man having a stamp of approval from another woman. You know he can at least commit.. but he’s a liar and cheater and every OW always believes she’s different and will change him. But he’s a lying asshole.

And also is no one worried about sexual diseases anymore? If my husband was out sexing another woman I would not only be outraged, I would be disgusted and worried about my health! This is a huge breach of trust. When you’re married you trust your partner not to do anything to put your health in jeopardy. It’s why being monogamous is important to many. The trust and ability to be able to have an intimate relationship that is low risk (save for getting pregnant). No one wants to be in any relationship that’s considered high risk for sexual diseases. If you can’t trust your husband to protect your health by him being faithful then this is a huge breach of trust.

*second choice

Look OP.. do whatever you want. But In the eyes of most cheating is wrong. Being the person cheating is wrong and being the person being cheated with is wrong.

And any man willing to cheat with you, will definitely be willing to cheat on you. He’s not trustworthy and a relationship is built on a foundation of trust.

And men are not a finite resource.. and no “all the good men” are not taken.

If you just prefer married men then great. If you enjoy helping him break up his home great. Do you.. but don’t expect applause for that.

I’m don’t understand the attitude “it’s not the Other woman’s fault” comments. Yes sure she didn’t take vows. But there are just things that one shouldn’t do.

I put blame on the married men of course 100%, but I also put blame on the women who choose to cheat with these men.

Only read your posts OP, think you are right to end it, making yourself available jic he could see you and believing he would leave after x, y or z is the route to torment and unhappiness. Men like him are ridiculous, don't have the moral fibre to leave a failing relationship (if it even is one) before lining up someone else . Glad you have had your eyes opened to the realities of the situation. Hope your friends will be a great support and you won't feel too down for long.

@SoupDragon

it is the married person's responsibility not the affair partner.

Utter nonsense. The affair partner is responsible for their own morals. Continuing an affair when they know the other half is married shows a complete lack of them.

Utter nonsense in your opinion. Utter nonsense to think that someone who is having an affair with a married person lacks all morals. That is a very stupid and mostly incorrect conclusion.

And still after such a powerful and openly brave post by @MsLup the denials come from the ow.

Nothing will stop such women, they have no ability to feel for others pain, they absolve themselves by blaming men 100%.

How convienient to go through life never aknowledging bame for hurting others, I think all you can do really, is hope someone like this never enters your life, just as people hope they never come into contact with other hateful people.

Your post throws me back @MsLup, very familiar, a husband changed out of all recognition, the ow in my life knew of my pain and continued, in fact I think his extemely bad treatment of me was part of her pleasure.

It was seriously fucked up, I still can't bring myself to tell the whole story, so what you have written is very brave and I hope you find a way to survive after being put through hell, and for what, a life and lives just ruined for an affair.

I wish you well with your health, your life, your future.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and hugs to anyone else going through a time not of your making or fault. Reading back on my comment last night, it appears I'm still angry, hurt and devastated all this time on - yes I am!

Once the act of infidelity is committed and the innocent party aware, the marriage is over, there is no going back and only with the sustained effort of both partners to reconcile could a new and hopefully better marriage be carved. Sadly my soon to be ex had entitlement issues, wouldn't even apologise, show any humility or even understanding just how he had destroyed our marriage - thought it was just a case of I stepped up and met more of his needs that he had never raised before. Laying blame at my feet for affair, for continuing it and then finally for OW seeing the light and dumping him. He just couldn't accept any responsibility for any of his poor choices.

As a covert/hyper vigilant narcissist type he thought it was a case of head in sand and why should he answer questions, discuss anything even efforts to improve our marriage, be open about affair and have any compassion - a "shit happens" type of approach where I was told to "get over it and sort myself out" His only admission was "I know I have done wrong" - but he made no effort to rectify or put it right merely expecting a get out of jail card.

The OP has constantly defended her corner, her feelings, desires and excused the MM due to his wife's faults - but she put little thought into the impact getting together with him (therefore breaking up his family) will have on both their offspring. It seems this is all about her - I suspect she is just out to replace her ex and have the 'happy family unit' he took from her and is prepared to break one up to get it. Seriously she needs to examine her morals and go from there!

@MarshmallowSwede

I don’t understand why you would want to be bothered with a married man. He has no free time, he’s a proven liar if he’s cheating with you and you’re his scorn choice. They are willing to ruin their wife’s life and any children they have for some sex on the side. Why is that even attractive?

Men are not a finite resource.. there are billions of men in this world. The way some woken act about married men as if they are the only men is ridiculous. I can assure you.. you can find a man who isn’t married if you try. They are literally everywhere.

The truth of the matter is that some women actually prefer married men. It’s like a man having a stamp of approval from another woman. You know he can at least commit.. but he’s a liar and cheater and every OW always believes she’s different and will change him. But he’s a lying asshole.

And also is no one worried about sexual diseases anymore? If my husband was out sexing another woman I would not only be outraged, I would be disgusted and worried about my health! This is a huge breach of trust. When you’re married you trust your partner not to do anything to put your health in jeopardy. It’s why being monogamous is important to many. The trust and ability to be able to have an intimate relationship that is low risk (save for getting pregnant). No one wants to be in any relationship that’s considered high risk for sexual diseases. If you can’t trust your husband to protect your health by him being faithful then this is a huge breach of trust.

@MarshmallowSwede - yes I was worried about sexual diseases he could pick up - hence several tests.... I ended up getting them sent to the house I was so embarrassed to keep asking GP. I was also aghast soon to be ex husband justified seeing his slapper during and breaking lockdown by announcing as a single woman she was "in our family bubble" - that really took the biscuit. Stupid man had not realised both people had to consent.

@DrSbaitso

I have a nuanced view of affairs. Human love, sex and relationships can be complex.

Something that does annoy me, though, is how many people who, like OP, talk about their affairs as if they are things that just happened to them, without any active choices on their parts. OP keeps using the phrase "fell in" but you didn't fall, you deliberately walked in. And you could walk out, if you chose to.

You are the architect of this and you are the architect of what happens next.

Completely agree with this.

I had an 8 month affair with a married man. I didn't "fall into it", it didn't "just happen". He told me he was married and I carried on regardless, because I wanted to, as simple and shameful as that.

It ended over 2 years ago. I loved him then, love him still and consider that my deserved punishment.

My ex's OW would say they do - she also couldn't help herself when she fell into bed with a married man with 3 kids including a new born

12 years on they are still together - all good

He's had 3 subsequent affairs I know about and spends a great deal of time trying to get into my bed on a weekly basis (unsuccessfully) - he's also tried to get me back 4 times over the years with promises to leave her and protestations on how miserable he is/they don;t have sex/she's cold/he made a mistake/he can't leave because ...

Honestly OP you crack on - and if he ever leaves remember - when they marry the mistress they create a vacancy

on and on female 'desire' or however you want to frame it - women just like men have control over their sexuality and emotions - we ALL make choices knowing the moral implications

If you've been having affair for 10 months and he still hasn't left her then, as the saying goes, he's just not that into you. Move on, if he wanted you he'd be with you properly. It's as simple as that.

@Onthedunes

And still after such a powerful and openly brave post by **@MsLup** the denials come from the ow.

Nothing will stop such women, they have no ability to feel for others pain, they absolve themselves by blaming men 100%.

How convienient to go through life never aknowledging bame for hurting others, I think all you can do really, is hope someone like this never enters your life, just as people hope they never come into contact with other hateful people.

Your post throws me back @MsLup, very familiar, a husband changed out of all recognition, the ow in my life knew of my pain and continued, in fact I think his extemely bad treatment of me was part of her pleasure.

It was seriously fucked up, I still can't bring myself to tell the whole story, so what you have written is very brave and I hope you find a way to survive after being put through hell, and for what, a life and lives just ruined for an affair.

I wish you well with your health, your life, your future.

@Onthedunes, where have I continued to deny myself despite listening to the hurt caused to other women? I’ve spoken of the hurt it causes. The guilt, knew deep down it would never work, I’ve lay awake thinking of his wife and kids! Yes it was 10 months but it’s done. And it is done!! So now will I post on my marriage breakdown tell you my story there? How I felt exactly like @MsLup can totally empathise….. no I can’t because I’m just that woman who admitted to a public forum to seek clarity of what I knew already that this thing was finished. So I’ll go leave yous to judge others that are open to days things you don’t agree with!

@Sakurami

“ So yes, whilst it isn't brilliant that someone is having an affair with a married person, it is the married person's responsibility not the affair partner. They don't tend to know the chated on spouse. They're not the ones bare faced lying and sneaking around.”

So because you don’t know someone it’s ok to do something really shitty to them which will change their lives forever, damage their mental health etc? Bugger me, unbelievable! It’s like ‘as long as it’s a married man you’re shagging you don’t have to have any personal responsibility whatsoever!’
Husbands are to blame for the affair, yes, but OW, once they know what they are doing are an accomplice and are helping him to keep the affair going by remaining hidden and silent. Both husband and OW are enemies to the marriage and the wife at this point. What the hell happened to individual personal responsibility? Regardless of the MM’s immoral choices, for which he is totally to blame, it matters not one jot that the OW doesn’t know the wife or ‘owe her anything’. The OW needs to ask herself if she wants to be a party to the appalling abusive treatment of another human being.
Also please don’t tell me that OWs are not lying and sneaking around. Their whole relationship is a lie, based on lies, deceit and plenty of sneaking around. Some OW wail that they are so lonely because they have to lie to their friends and family about the relationship. Some OW are despicably in relationships themselves and are doing as much lying to their partner and sneaking around as the MM!
Ever heard of lying by omission? Doubt an OW is ever going to phone the wife and tell them that the real reason he’s not coming home tonight is because he’s in bed with her. They only usually get a sudden pang of honesty when they think contacting the wife will fracture the relationship and drive the MM to make a decision in their favour or get them dumped so they can have the sloppy seconds.
Husbands are fully responsible for having an affair. OW are fully responsible for their own reprehensible behaviour.

@JodyD1973 if you have been there and got the t shirt - why even consider doing the same to another innocent woman in the first place?

I'm sorry you fell into this relationship and hope you do have the sense to send him packing before his wife has her heart broken. He doesn't deserve you as you've obviously been in a moral dilemma over it all and his wife certainly doesn't deserve a cheat like him. Affairs never end well - there is always someone who is hurt badly. Best of luck for the future and finding a suitable Mr. Right

I agree with the argument about personal responsibility. But then I find the idea of having an intimate relationship with a married man incredibly icky. Yes, unmarried men might be shagging everything in sight, but you wouldn't know that for sure. Not in the same way you'd know for sure that at the bare minimum a married man and his wife were sharing a home together (but most probably would be sharing much more, including the bed).