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Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 11/10/2021 14:59

😴😴😴😴😴

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 11/10/2021 15:01

holrosea Although I agree with you, you’re overlooking something, he probably downplays all those times with the OP. He won’t paint a picture of happy family times, they will be occasions he has to endure but would rather not be there. I had a family friend (I use that loosely) who was married with children and had a long standing affair, probably 7-8 years. He was 30’s and she was 20’s and he would boast about his bit on the side. He eventually ended the affair because she once she got in to her 30’s she started piling on the pressure because she wanted marriage and children. I didn’t know her but felt sorry for her because he rated himself as a charmer so I can imagine the crap he would’ve told her.

MrsRobbieHart · 11/10/2021 15:03

I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun”

Keep lying to yourself, I know it makes it easier, but no one here agrees you fell into this. You chose to shag a married man for a bit of fun despite knowing full well the pain it would cause his wife. You have literally no excuse.

MissTrip82 · 11/10/2021 15:04

Nobody falls into an affair. Even in the fastest-moving relationship there’s opportunity after opportunity to redirect things. Turn a conversation a different way. Move apart from each other. Find something else to focus on.

You lie to yourself when you say you just ‘fell’ into it. He lies to everyone who trusts him.

ExcitedtoTry · 11/10/2021 15:06

No judgment here.

If he truly loved you he wouldn’t ‘see a future’ with you, you would be in his present and his only partner. After this work thing there will be something else and again and again.

Ask yourself why you want to be with a man who does this to his partner?

You and his wife deserve so much better. Please wake up & see him for what he is. A compulsive liar.

holrosea · 11/10/2021 15:31

Totally agree, @Icantrememberthenameoftheartis, he is undoubtedly playing the "woe is me in my unhappy life, I only feel good with you, we have such a connection" card. Also, it's harder to get your end away while talking about parents' evening or school trips or university applications or whatever.

I hoped that by pointing it out, the OP might see a bit of the probable reality of his life, as opposed to the very skewed version he is giving.

Tiredofbs123 · 11/10/2021 15:47

We all know the odd couple for which an affair was a happy ever after but jeez, statistically that’s is RARE! I think seadad pretty much had the stats I do. Outcomes are dire.

For all the weeping and wailing affairs are rarely about love but usually more limerance mixed with the highs of illicit meetings. Hence why they fail when the feel goods tail off and your just left with the bloody awful thing you have both done.

But you know this deep down. You also know that you’re most likely being lied to. And you know that you didn’t just fall into this you made a series of deliberate, destructive actions which support this mans abuse of his wife.

Look, you’ve been cheated on and I’m glad you got your life back but just stop this. Walk away and gain some self respect back. Or alternatively give him an ultimatum and see what happens. If he’s truly prepared to destroy his family for you he’ll do it. Then deal with the consequences.

At the end of the day my heart breaks for his wife and children. I genuinely hope she finds out soon so she can regain the personal agency you and him are stealing from her.

skodadoda · 11/10/2021 15:48

@MrsRobbieHart

I didn’t ask to fall into this situation

The lies people tell to justify poor behaviour. You didn’t fall into it OP. You chose it.

My sentiments exactly. He’s cheating on his wife, he’ll cheat on you. He might already be cheating on you - are you sure he hasn’t got a string of mistresses?
Onthedunes · 11/10/2021 15:49

I honestly don't know why you are asking this question,

"Do affairs work ?"

It worked for your ex husband didn't it ?

Why ask the question if you already know, unless ........

me4real · 11/10/2021 15:51

You didn't fall or end up in the situation- you chose to get off with a married man. You didn't have to act on the feelings at all. You could have been ethical and not do it. I suggest saying to him that you're not willing to do anything with him anymore until he's living apart from his wife. Then stop seeing him unless and until he does.

skodadoda · 11/10/2021 15:55

@me4real

You didn't fall or end up in the situation- you chose to get off with a married man. You didn't have to act on the feelings at all. You could have been ethical and not do it. I suggest saying to him that you're not willing to do anything with him anymore until he's living apart from his wife. Then stop seeing him unless and until he does.
This. I think so far OP the answer to your question is no.
DrSbaitso · 11/10/2021 15:57

Is it working now?

LowlandLucky · 11/10/2021 15:58

He is a liar and a cheat. Your standards must be so low of you want a man like that. Do not kid yourself for a single second that you are so wonderful and so different and that you are the woman he will change for. He won't and karma will make the victim when he cheats on you.

Thewookiemustgo · 11/10/2021 16:00

@JodyD1973 you didn’t “fall into” this situation, you chose it. Starting/ continuing an affair is a choice. You have one. At present his wife doesn’t.

DrSbaitso · 11/10/2021 16:01

I have a nuanced view of affairs. Human love, sex and relationships can be complex.

Something that does annoy me, though, is how many people who, like OP, talk about their affairs as if they are things that just happened to them, without any active choices on their parts. OP keeps using the phrase "fell in" but you didn't fall, you deliberately walked in. And you could walk out, if you chose to.

You are the architect of this and you are the architect of what happens next.

Balonzette · 11/10/2021 16:02

Every single man who is having an affair tells his affair partner the exact same thing that you have been told about the unhappy marriage etc. He could be genuine, but chances are he's one of the many things who comes home from seeing you, kisses his wife, tells her he loves her, etc. I think the latter is more likely. Seems to be more common.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 16:11

What do you mean - "work"?

Do you mean will he dump his wife for you?
We don't know.
Only he knows that.
And if he does how long is it before he feels the lack of 2 willing women in his life, & takes another mistress?

You are frantically doing the Pick-Me Dance.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

For your own sake, you should stop dancing & walk away.
For the wife & children's sake, you should have fucked off out of there exactly 10 months ago, & never touched a married man with a barge pole.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 16:12

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
It's certainly blunt, but not inaccurate.

And far less rude than shagging another woman's bloke.
Grow the fuck up.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 16:21

never expecting to fall into my “situation”

Nobody is criticising you for never expecting to have an affair.
They are criticising the fact that you did, but are pretending that you "couldn't help it".

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 16:24

@JodyD1973

I put this post up to gather other people’s opinions what I didn’t expect was to be sworn at, called pathetic and embarrassing. Am I embarrassed that I’ve ended up in this situation yes I am. Am I an embarrassment in other aspects of my life no I am not! For I was that wife who got cheated on, I do know the hurt this will cause as I’ve done it, been there and built myself up, moved forward, got promoted at work, and made a home for me and my kids never expecting to fall into my “situation” so for all of you commenting. You never know the full story of what a person has been through! I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love! The guilt does eat away at me, as I know it’s wrong. I know exactly how she will feel should it come out, it’s horrific. The worst pain ever. I know because I was her and I’m now doing the exact same thing which I do struggle with for those saying I don’t give a fuck. I also know I may be getting spun the biggest load of bullshit! But I stupidly fell in love. I just don’t know how much longer I can live this lie and will probably walk. And to put it out there my ex is still with his other woman, do I despise her? No I do not. She gets on with our kids and my ex looks happy. And I knew in our marriage we were not but was too frightened to leave for the kids. That decision was taken out my hands.
Riiiiight.

I got punched in the face once, It was really painful.
But by your logic, that makes it ok for me to punch you in the face now, because I know how much it hurts to get punched in the face.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 11/10/2021 16:28

In tears and split up 4 times already, sounds wonderful

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 16:30

@ChargingBuck

never expecting to fall into my “situation”

Nobody is criticising you for never expecting to have an affair.
They are criticising the fact that you did, but are pretending that you "couldn't help it".

I think if you read my comments I have said I take complete ownership, know what I’m doing is wrong and not trying to justify my actions in any way. What I also said is yes I never expected to fall into a situation that I’m now finding difficult to deal with, now there’s feelings involved. Never once have I said I couldn’t help it! I am well aware I’m 50/50 to blame
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 11/10/2021 16:34

You're not owning a thing or taking any responsibility as long as you tell yourself that you "fell into" the situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/10/2021 16:34

I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love!

I would have more respect for someone who thought they had fallen in love with someone instantly tbh.

You don't even have that excuse.

You literally CHOSE to just shag a married man. You weren't even expecting more, it wasn't that you had a deep emotional connection instantly and felt desperately guilty about it...

You actively just wanted to shag him for 'a few weeks' and did so. Then you say you fell in love.

But you actively chose to shag someone who is married for 'a bit of fun' despite knowing how it feels to be cheated on.

Fuck me, you didn't fall into the situation. This isn't a love story, it's a grubby affair by numbers. Run of the mill, boring, shitty behaviour by people who are selfish and making active choices that hurt others. Nice one.

Can't believe you admitted you weren't even looking for anything other than a shagathon few weeks as if that would make people think your behaviour was any better?!

Flugreeny · 11/10/2021 16:35

Depends what you mean by works.

Is he going to leave his wife? Nope

I’ve had affairs with married men but I’d have been horrified at the suggestion they might leave their wives! The whole point of this is that it is supposed to work for you - you’re letting this work for him. Why on earth would you want to own a man you KNOW to be a cheat?