Do affairs work?

[JodyD1973]

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

@vivainsomnia

What is this work incident that he needs to deal with? Most importantly, how long is it expected to last?

Personally, I would give a deadline. If he really means what he says and is fully committed to going, he will go ahead and take the plunge.

If he comes up with excuses, half taken steps, one step forward, two back etc... you are just wasting your time.

Hi it’s a serious incident that’s at work, but its expected to be resolved soon. Having had my (justified) hard time with some of the comments I got the clarity I needed and what I knew in my head that this will go nowhere, bar cause hurt. The same hurt my kids and I felt so no I’m not a stupid woman. I am aware the pain it causes. Why didn’t I walk the 4 times because I didn’t want to have to deal with the pain of someone else leaving me. And didn’t consider his wife as I was thinking about myself. Selfish I know this too well. So I’ve made my choice, it will end. It will be very soon, no ultimatum will be made and I will not be posting on here

You're saying you understand how it feels, and have empathy, yet you are only leaving him because you have realised that you've been strung along!

You're acting a bit like you're making a moral decision to leave and keep mentioning his wife as if you're trying to suddenly do the right thing... But if we had all said "Yes OP you crack on, he will definitely leave her eventually" you would have definitely cheerfully carried on sleeping with the poor woman's husband and waiting for the day he left for you and ripped her family apart.

The fact that you have been the wife in this situation makes it even WORSE that you're now the OW, not better, like you keep suggesting! You might have been hurt in the past, but that does not excuse or justify your disgraceful behaviour in willingly sleeping with a married man, so stop acting like it does.

You are an adult woman who knows what she is doing. You didn't "fall into" any situation. You willingly started sleeping with a married man and willingly continued to sleep with a married man. You are in the wrong, not the victim. I don't think you see that. You are still acting like the victim now! But you are the bad guy in this situation, you and this scumbag man. The only victim is the wife and his family, the only people not responsible are them.

You haven't owned your situation at all. This whole thread has been a) you hoping a married man will leave his wife for you and then b) a big pity party when you realised he won't.

The only way you have a chance to do the right thing is to walk away and take a long, hard look at yourself and your behavior. It will hurt, and you deserve that hurt, and you need to hurt to figure out that this is what happens when you sleep with a married man.

This was never going to end well for you. If he genuinely cared about you, he would have left months ago. And even if he did leave her for you, he'd only end up cheating on you somewhere down the line.

Affairs don't have happy ever afters. I have never, ever known of an affair to lead to anything but shame, and pain, and misery.

I try not to judge normally, but your attitude is really worrying because you seem to genuinely think you're the victim here. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but frankly I feel like you need to hear it or you're not going to snap out of this.

@JodyD1973 🙄 I was actually replying to @snugglybuggly

So why didn’t you end it after the 4th date?

"We've also established that it frequently isn't true, which is probably why people get so frantic about asserting it. It's not true of me. I wouldn't sleep with a married man, but it wouldn't be because his being married automatically shut off whatever I found attractive about him."

Good for you. I guess some people also find addicts, abusers and people who kick puppies attractive but I don't and struggle to understand people who do really. I mean, I know they exist but can't identify at all.

I'm not sure what you're getting at when talking about men and women. I don't understand men who find women who are addicts, abusers or puppy-kickers either.

I don't know how either gender can enthusiastically fuck someone who has proven themselves a terrible person even if they're not being terrible to them.

@DrSbaitso

To be honest, if you do find that someone being married automatically kills your desire stone dead, then it's not really very impressive that you don't sleep with them. It's easy not to have an affair with someone who doesn't attract you!

I think what's impressive is that you've got a working moral compass.

OP you don’t need to post here or owe anyone an update.

Making choices that are good for us can be really really f-ing hard, and no-one manages it all of the time. We all fuck up - sometimes badly. But making a choice now to put your own long term mental health first (by having respect for yourself and your future) is a really good one.

You can’t change the past or what you did yesterday . You can make active good choices today, even if they’re hard. Good luck.

I disagree with everyone who says walk. I say RUN

I think what's impressive is that you've got a working moral compass.

It would be nice if having a working moral compass didn’t mean just doing good things, but never ever being tempted to do bad ones. But which of us would pass on that score, if you can see what we desire and not just what we do?

If someone is hugely attracted to a married man, and remains so while turning him down, does that mean her moral compass doesn't work? Or works less well than someone who isn't tempted at all because the sight of his wedding band kills her desire stone dead, leaving her with no feelings to overcome and therefore a pretty easy path to righteousness?

Like I said...women expect a man's married status not just to cause women to refuse him, but also to actively kill any desire for him. If you remain drawn to him, no matter what you do, your moral compass is wonky.

Men, in my experience, don't expect such absolute purity of soul and heart's desire from other men. Nobody does.

I found out on our 4th date that he was married.

That's a mighty drip feed for page 11.

Although, as you still went on date 5, perhaps not the mitigation you think it is.

@jodyD1973
And if he does leave his wife don't think you have won the trophy, cause he will do it on you to once a cheat always a cheat, do you want to live your life wondering where he is, or what he's doing, or who he's with cause I wouldn't.

"It would be nice if having a working moral compass didn’t mean just doing good things, but never ever being tempted to do bad ones. But which of us would pass on that score, if you can see what we desire and not just what we do?"

I honestly don't understand whatever philosophical point you're trying to make.

If you are repulsed by a shitbag who is cheating on his wife you are having a normal, moral reaction imo.

If you are attracted to him but recognise that he's a shitbag and consequently choose to walk away, you are - despite your poor taste in sexual partners - still having a moral reaction to his shitbag-ness.

If you are attracted to him, despite him being a shitbag, and then choose to overlook that he is a shitbag because you don't care as long as he's nice to you, or you are able to pretzel yourself to justify it, then no I don't really understand you.

[quote Babyghirl]@jodyD1973
And if he does leave his wife don't think you have won the trophy, cause he will do it on you to once a cheat always a cheat, do you want to live your life wondering where he is, or what he's doing, or who he's with cause I wouldn't.[/quote]
I don't believe that's true..

"Once a cheat, always a cheat"

I cheated on my exhusband, but he wasn't a nice person, I had kids, I worked full time, it took me a.long time to gather up the courage to leave. I didn't leave for anyone in the end, just me.

I'm happy now, in a fulling relationship, we are a team, we share everything. I wouldn't cheat on him ever.

"I'm happy now, in a fulling relationship, we are a team, we share everything. I wouldn't cheat on him ever."

You left the marriage before embarking on another relationship so a bit different.

But still, you have shown that you will cheat if the circumstances are right so your dp must feel a bit nervous about what your response might be to a difficult patch a few years down the line.

@Tototipple

OP you don’t need to post here or owe anyone an update.

Making choices that are good for us can be really really f-ing hard, and no-one manages it all of the time. We all fuck up - sometimes badly. But making a choice now to put your own long term mental health first (by having respect for yourself and your future) is a really good one.

You can’t change the past or what you did yesterday . You can make active good choices today, even if they’re hard. Good luck.

Thanks, I know I don’t owe anyone an update. But feel I need to reiterate that I have never once said I don’t feel guilt, I know it’s totally wrong, I’m not drip feeding anything but I’m not going to share everything. Truth is as I’ve admitted I’ve been with a married man for 10 months. I take ownership despite being told I don’t that this is wrong. I posted for opinions and got them ten fold that what I’m doing is disgusting, pathetic and embarrassing but got the answer that in my heart I’ve known all along. It would never work. It causes pain and hurt and had to end which it has this morning. So this will be the last post I put on. I put my post on yesterday to see if there had been any of you that it did work for as in my mind for last few weeks, I was coming to the conclusion it wouldn’t but was seeking clarity . I appreciate some of your comments, some of them you can go spin as you don’t know me at all! My character, personality nothing you only know what I made a choice to tell you that I carried an affair for 10 months.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

"It would be nice if having a working moral compass didn’t mean just doing good things, but never ever being tempted to do bad ones. But which of us would pass on that score, if you can see what we desire and not just what we do?"

I honestly don't understand whatever philosophical point you're trying to make.

If you are repulsed by a shitbag who is cheating on his wife you are having a normal, moral reaction imo.

If you are attracted to him but recognise that he's a shitbag and consequently choose to walk away, you are - despite your poor taste in sexual partners - still having a moral reaction to his shitbag-ness.

If you are attracted to him, despite him being a shitbag, and then choose to overlook that he is a shitbag because you don't care as long as he's nice to you, or you are able to pretzel yourself to justify it, then no I don't really understand you.

Well I said that it isn't impressive to refuse an affair with someone who doesn't tempt you for whatever reason (although obviously it's the right thing to do; it just isn't difficult). You responded that it was impressive to have a working moral compass. In the context, I took this to mean that any woman who had any desire for a married man, even if she refused him, has a wonky moral compass. It certainly read that way to me.

I'm still getting the impression from the focus on "attracted despite being a shitbag" that you think female desire should ideally vanish at the shitbagness of a married man who tries it on. In other words, that other women should have no desire for a married man at all simply because he is married.

Which is what I keep seeing in discussions like this. Women expect other women not to have any desires for their husbands. They, like you in your last paragraph, "don't understand" why his being married wouldn't stop a woman.

Are you just as mystified about why the man himself wouldn't let being married stop him?

@MrMrsJones
For you it's not true and you had your reasons, but I have seen many of time one or the other cheating leaving relationship there in to be with the ow/om and then going on to cheat on them.

They r never happy with what they have and always look for a younger model.

Glad you found your happy ending.

[quote Babyghirl]@MrMrsJones
For you it's not true and you had your reasons, but I have seen many of time one or the other cheating leaving relationship there in to be with the ow/om and then going on to cheat on them.

They r never happy with what they have and always look for a younger model.

Glad you found your happy ending.[/quote]
Well, here we come to the difficult and complex matter of not all affairs being the same, which is one reason why I wish MN could be a bit more nuanced about them. Sometimes, of course, it's just a shit person being a shit. But very often, it just isn't quite that straightforward, even if it isn't right.

"I'm still getting the impression from the focus on "attracted despite being a shitbag" that you think female desire should ideally vanish at the shitbagness of a married man who tries it on. In other words, that other women should have no desire for a married man at all simply because he is married.

Which is what I keep seeing in discussions like this. Women expect other women not to have any desires for their husbands. They, like you in your last paragraph, "don't understand" why his being married wouldn't stop a woman.

Are you just as mystified about why the man himself wouldn't let being married stop him?"

I think you are really overthinking this.

Are you a man who is attracted to a woman who is lying to her husband and kids, and unwilling to walk away? Well then I don't understand your choices or reasoning.

Are you a woman who is attracted to a man who is lying to his wife and kids, and unwilling to walk away? Well then I don't understand your choices or reasoning either.

But still, you have shown that you will cheat if the circumstances are right so your dp must feel a bit nervous about what your response might be to a difficult patch a few years down the line.

This is ridiculous.
Yes, of course there are pathological liers/cheaters, but

Having cheated does not always mean that you will cheat again.
Having not cheated does not mean that you will never cheat either.

Well it's more than rude to shag another woman's husband.
I'd say that's one of the shittiest things you could do.

Having cheated does not always mean that you will cheat again.

Of course, but like shoplifting once you have crossed that line it becomes something you are capable of and easier the next time.

10 months!! Oh for Christ sake. I just burst out laughing when I read that.

I think you are really overthinking this.

Well, possibly.

Still, this is something that keeps on coming up in these discussions. Women expecting other women not to be attracted to their husbands, that immorality of an affair, even if it doesn't happen, should pre-emptively kill female desire.

Men do not have this expectation of other men. Nobody has this expectation of men.

As for not understanding why anyone would have sex that they shouldn't have, well, maybe it's incomprehensible to you, but it sure happens a lot. Human sexuality is complex and seduction is an art. Very few married men seduce their OW by walking up to her, flashing a wedding band and asking, "wanna shag?"