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Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
FairyHuck · 11/10/2021 11:34

I'd walk. He's where he wants to be. You can do better than this op

Twickerhun · 11/10/2021 11:36

Walk away. This is no way to live your life. You deserve better and no I’m my limited experience they do not work out well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2021 11:37

He has in all likelihood told you a tale as old as the hills. There’s always something that stops them from going, now it’s a “work incident”. Then it will be something else.

Walk away now before you get hurt and or over invested. As the previous poster has written too, you can do better than this.

Viviennemary · 11/10/2021 11:38

Ask Camilla. But they can work out for the two people but might leave the cheated on partner devastated. It's a sneaky way to go about things IMHO. If he keeps coming up with a new excuse that it's not the right time to leave and after such and such happens that's a red flag. Also the old tale about not getting on for the past umpteen years.Hmm

MrsRobbieHart · 11/10/2021 11:38

Well yes not working for you, is it?

Deedee121 · 11/10/2021 11:39

Walk away. If he truly wants to be with you he will leave his wife

CheesusWept · 11/10/2021 11:39

This reply has been deleted

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Veiaola · 11/10/2021 11:40

His poor wife Confused I think you need to finish it untill he has left his wife.

TheresSomethingAboutAndy · 11/10/2021 11:41

Read your post back again as if it were your daughter/sister/best mate telling it to you.
What would you advise?

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:44

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 11/10/2021 11:45

Oldest story in the book. You know this.

Cindi85 · 11/10/2021 11:45

He's shown you who he is. He is someone who lies and cheats. He is disloyal. He is too cowardly to walk away from his marriage and would rather hurt his wife and not give you what you deserve than do the right thing, just because this way is less of a headache for him. He is putting himself and his own needs miles ahead of yours, nevermind his wife's. To him, this is what partnership means. Assume his wife has been with him for a long time, maybe she has had his children, been there for him through all that life throws up - and he is depriving her of the respect she deserves. You are laying awake at night worrying and that's because of him - rather than be the partner you deserve, with a certain future, he is putting you through this because it is easier for him this way.

If you can love him and be happy with him despite this then crack on.

HoppingPavlova · 11/10/2021 11:46

No, it probably won’t work. It’s doubtful he will leave her, work issue, then it will be something to do with a kids health or schooling stage, or one of her parents will supposedly be ill/dying. Even if he does it may trundle in for a few years and then you will find yourself the one being cheated on as a leopard does not change its spots. The whole ‘been unhappy for a while’ is a load of codswallop as in that case a decent man would have left, got his life together and then moved on, not taken a mistress as a solution.

PS I’d have been really embarrassed to have written what you have. Either your cogs are not turning properly or you have no shame.

Milkbottlelegs · 11/10/2021 11:47

Yes it works out for some people, or at least it appears that way but who knows really.

I have two uncles who both left their wives for OW and are still happily married to the OW more than 20 years later.

One of them no longer has a relationship with their daughter, which I don’t think is a coincidence. But certainly their marriages appear happy.

Palavah · 11/10/2021 11:50

He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.

Do you really want to be on the receiving end of his third leave-and-return?

MrsRobbieHart · 11/10/2021 11:52

I didn’t ask to fall into this situation

The lies people tell to justify poor behaviour. You didn’t fall into it OP. You chose it.

mildlymiffed · 11/10/2021 11:53

@JodyD1973

Thanks for your opinion as I opened myself up for criticism but pathetic and embarrassing I am not… I didn’t ask to fall into this situation but you don’t know me so what you’ve said is rude
You might not have asked for this situation, but you are in it, and are perpetuating it. You are an adult who is making choices. Poor ones at that...

I'd walk. He's shown that he is a morally bankrupt man capable of deception and indecision. Not exactly a catch...

Hattiehottie · 11/10/2021 11:53

Just remember in a few years time you could quite possibly be in the wife's shoes wondering why he's working late.

Also are you prepared for the fall out with his kids? they may not take to you once they know (no matter how much you try to hide it they will know or suspect). This could be a massive strain on your relationship with him and end up making you feel like shit in the long run.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/10/2021 11:55

Come on op - the reality is he is unlikely to leave - the ‘work issue’ will become something else. You know this. If he did leave, how could you actually build a proper relationship knowing how yours started? If he cheated on her with you, he’ll do it again. You are worth more than this - walk away and find a single man. If it’s meant to be with this one, he will leave his wife first (but he won’t…)

Beetlewing · 11/10/2021 12:00

No one should interfere with your sleep or make you not want to go out whatever the shape of your relationship! He's got it made while you're hanging around waiting for your life to start. .

fournonblondes · 11/10/2021 12:04

Do you really need to ask this?

MarshmallowSwede · 11/10/2021 12:06

There are many sayings about a cheater which I think are true..

how you get him is how you lose him.

If a man will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Take your pick of those. I think a relationship that’s starts by destroying the family life of others isn’t a good start. But sometimes I guess they do work out. But I can’t imagine the mistress now wife being secure in that he won’t go out and cheat on her.

Dery · 11/10/2021 12:06

It is not obvious why a work incident should prevent him leaving his wife. Sounds like he's looking for reasons not to leave.

I know of a few very successful long-term relationships which started as affairs but in nearly all (not quite all) those cases, spouses were left very quickly (and I mean - within weeks) and the affair partners settled down together very quickly.

You know that this is a man who will cheat and lie. That's what he's doing to his wife and it's very likely he is at least lying to you. He will tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you there. You have literally no reason to trust him. You know that which is why you're posting here.

His marriage may have been unhappy for years or his wife might think things are going well and have no idea how he feels. He's not going to tell you that he has a happy marriage and no intention of leaving his wife because you'd be off like a shot.

Exit affairs are a thing - perhaps his marriage has been unhappy and the affair with you is what will finally remove him from it. Then again, it would be interesting to know why he left twice and went back - was he having affairs then, too?

In short, yes - some affairs turn into stable and fulfilling long-term relationships. Far more crash and burn when the people involved realise just how much they stand to lose and/or that their affair partner is much less interesting to them once they're going through the daily grind together rather than during the affair itself when any time together has to be snatched and there is the additional allure and spice of the passion being illicit.

IfImLyingImDying · 11/10/2021 12:14

If he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted to be with someone else, he would’ve done what decent people do and would've left already.

You said it yourself; it’s “fun”

Likewise, if you didn’t want to be in this situation, you’d end it.

ExConstance · 11/10/2021 12:14

When you are emotionally very close to someone it is hard to objectively see them for what they really are. He is clearly good company, you get on well, you love him. No doubt he presents as a genuine person, everything about him will be the part. If you just write down a list of the broken promises you can begin to see the reality is not as you see it.

  1. he won't leave his wife, there will continue to be excuses.
  2. He is not a reliable partner even if you were together.
I have met people like this, it is the hardest thing on earth to be objective. If you can't bring yourself to make the break now give him 6 or 8 months and see what the says then, if you get another excuse then you have your answer 100%