Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

I think you need to start making plans to divorce OP.

Sorry.

But why not let him go with grace and love?
After all, as you’ve said, you’ve had a wonderful life together and now he has the opportunity to be madly in love with someone, and you never know maybe you’ll meet someone too?

Personally I think YABU, if I really loved someone I’d want to see them happy

It was always going to happen I'm afraid op by your own omission you don't want to have sex and part of a relationship is the physical connection, as harsh as it sounds your nothing more than friends, he clearly needed that connection and has found it. I think you've both been in denial that your marriage has be long over.

Shocker.

I think the marriage is over OP.
Your husband by his own admissions is in live with this woman and maybe this new woman us with him.

I know you don't want to hear this.

But open marriages always end in disaster.

But you have your life, family friends and business.
Love yourself be strong and move on.

You will find someone you connect with and be so happy again.

This was never an open marriage. It was you having a low sex drive and agreeing he could play away.

What would I do now? I'd take up my half of bargain and go out with someone else, including sex. Then see his reaction and go from there.

Divorce him. It may give you the time and space you need to meet someone you do want to have sex with, and then you’ll wonder why on earth you wasted so much time trying to keep this guy.

I wouldn’t really call this an open relationship, it sounds like you just gave your husband permission to have affairs. I don’t think it was reasonable to expect that he wouldn’t ever start to like any of these women. It might’ve been better if you’d carried on your sex life.

Just end it, you can still be friends and be there for each other but not living together. You'll find a new lease of life not being tied to him.

I'm sorry OP. Your marriage is most probably over. Best you can do is accept it with grace and dignity. You could try to twist his arm into ending it, but he'll start resenting you and idolise her more if he has to give her up. No use fighting it.

Oh, poor you, OP! How awful and scary. He should have had no strings attached sex and nothing more - he really should have stopped himself before getting emotionally involved. Awful. Divorce and take half. Not sure I agree with other pps, I would be cross and upset and hurt and completely cut myself off from him. He has made his choice so he can bugger off. Its so sad though as you are ready to enjoy life together now your children have flown the nest etc Sorry xx

It's time to move on, OP. You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason you like. You don't need your partner's blessing to end it, nor do you have to get him to admit he's broken your agreement.

Your husband being in love with someone else is 100% reasonable grounds to end it. If you stay in this relationship it will chip away at your self esteem. There's only one possible choice IMO.

If you gave him that ultimatum what do you think would happen?

He was at least open about needing intimacy, and spoke to you, and you agreed. Which wasn't a bad decision.

But sadly, intimacy, sex is usually necessary to sustain a long term relationship. And it seems for him, he's found more than just sex.

You could grit your teeth and see what happens. But do you really only want part of him, the part that's left over from his new relationship?

It's really sad OP, but as others have said, it sounds like you should call it a day.

Your marriage is over.

Before you do anything else here, I think you need to review what you want.

This was never really an equal arrangement, if you didn’t ever use it, even if you could have.

And at this point, it sounds like your DH has made up his mind… so while you can still issue an ultimatum, you need to be very aware that you’re the person who is most likely to lose. He’s said as much already. He’s in love with the other person.

What is your position on sex now? Do you still have no interest? Would you be happy to try and fix that, if you could put everything back in Pandora’s box and try again?

To be honest, I think you need to be preparing for this to be the end, there’s nothing that you’ve said that suggests your husband will give up the other woman, and I’m not sure why he’d have said anything to you if he was happy with the status quo. And you’re clearly not happy with things continuing as they are, with him having feelings for the woman he’s sleeping with, however predictable that may have been. It’s not just sex anymore.

I think you need to consider what you want and where your compromises are, if there are any.

And then you need to approach DH and find out where he is and what he wants.

And then potentially you’re looking at the best ways to nicely split, after what sounds like has been a good run, but potentially was over some time ago.

Your shock is palpable, so do take time to think about what you want; first. But also be realistic about where you can go from here.

There’s lots of good stuff still there and I don’t think he actually wants to end our marriage, I think he wants to carry on as we are. See her and be married to me. I accept that he sleeps with her but I cannot accept that he loves her and thinks about her all the time (his admission).

I think what really tore me apart was that he says he enjoys being with her in non-sexual situations as he does being in bed with her. The sex I can cope with, after all I don’t want that and I agreed to him seeking that elsewhere, but the dinners and the walks and the looking at his phone and smiling when she texts, no.

Did you sleep with anyone else while your marriage was open?

Sorry OP but this was always going to happen the moment you agreed to an 'open' relationship to please him.
Contrary to popular perception open marriages only work if BOTH parties want to go off and sleep with other people.
If it's to satisfy the sexual urges of one this is the result.
Prepare for divorce...

You took a chance and lost

I'm wondering why you want to keep your marriage going. It does seem like the love and romance died a long time ago and you have simply become housemates. Is it for the financial security? Or because it's easier than divorcing?

Sadly, I think your DH has found someone else to love who makes him happy. I don't think that you can insist he stops seeing her. If you give him an ultimatum why would he choose to remain in a sexless marriage rather than be with someone who offers him a more fulfilling life?

I can see you are really hurt by this, but I can't imagine ever giving my DH permission to have sex with someone else and being content enough for him to do this, rather than have sex with him myself. It was always playing with fire, and there was always the risk that he'd find someone else.

You need to make plans to split. What were you thinking? Im sorry

I'm sorry you're distressed by this outcome, OP as you plainly thought that you had a different arrangement with your DH.

You can wait and see if they break up. It feels like you might need to reconcile yourself to being very unhappy in the interim and leaving critical decisions about your future in the hands of people for whom your happiness and wellbeing are not their primary concern.

How would it be if your relationship were to break down and your husband move on to another relationship? Is it unthinkable that he craved intimacy on both physical and emotional levels with the same person rather than keeping them separate?

If you gave him an ultimatum and he refused then your relationship is over. Right now, you might have some control over the timing of when it ends and the terms.

I'm sorry. I agree with PPs although it is so clear that you hoped this would be a long-term workable solution for both of you.

It’s a real shame for you op, but you need t to realise your marriage is almost over and prepare for that

The potential for this was always waiting in the wings.
You can't make him stop having feelings for her.
All you can do is take control of your own life away from him otherwise you will be living in absolute hell.
Good luck you will be alright.

I think you took a risk by agreeing to this and it hasn’t paid off. I think the relationship is over if he’s physically AND mentally somewhere else