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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
TimeToDateAgain · 02/10/2021 22:41

I'm already breaking my vow not to talk about polyamory or consensual non-monogamy on MN after getting an absolute flaming on here every time I have in the past.

I'm sorry that's happened. I don't know if people would be surprised to find that this is not that unusual right across the age range.

There are some books that might help, and some podcasts. Let me know if you think they might help and I'll stick them here.

I'd be interested if you wanted to pop them here or even a different thread.

SunShinesBrightly · 02/10/2021 22:46

fiveleftfeet
Thanks! I didn’t think so!

LobsterNapkin · 02/10/2021 22:46

If a person goes into a marriage with the idea that sex will always be available, there's always a good chance that marriage could fail. The marriage was on the rocks as soon as your husband decided that sex wasn't something he could go without.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 22:48

I have no idea what she wants from my DH, I only learnt the extent of their relationship the other day.

I want to stay married because I love DH and I like our life together. We really do work well together as a unit and he is a very good person who I want to grow older with and enjoy our family, travel and, when it happens, retirement with.

I’m not crazy about the sex he has with other women but until now I haven’t really known anything about it as it has just been sex, meet at a hotel, say goodbye til the next time (if there was one). This time it’s clearly very different as they often meet up without having sex and he says he is just as happy doing that as when they go to bed together. I understand he is flattered by the attentions of a younger, attractive woman so I am hoping that what he thinks is love is just infatuation and it will pass.

OP posts:
IWillFindYou · 02/10/2021 22:48

@BrendaBubbles

Are you aware that so many, many men are shit in bed?

And so are a lot of women yet you wouldn’t advise a man with a low/no drive to find a better partner. This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man.

This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man

I agree with this.

ElspethFlashman · 02/10/2021 22:49

I'm confused about this whole thing.

For the last 8 years, you've effectively just been pals. So basically roommates, with your own careers and your own hobbies and your own friends.....but yeah, basically pals.

There haven't been any kids in the house for a while. Your marriage is basically one of convenience. The house and the habits. Not wanting to start again. Being pals.

Why on earth would he be happy with that being the entirety of his life just because you are?

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 22:51

@whycantwegoonasthree Thank you for sharing. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
BananaPB · 02/10/2021 22:51

If you give him an ultimatum you risk him choosing her if that's ok with you ? In your shoes I'd take control and end things now. If it's not this woman it will be another.

It sounds like he is romancing and dating these women rather than having sex. It's a shame that you didn't ask him to only use sex workers

Open relationships only work if both people are seeing others.

altmember · 02/10/2021 22:51

I don't know why pp are saying the marriage was over when you gave him permission to have an open relationship. It was over when the two of you stopped having sex. It sounds like he was very tolerant and patient to have put up with that for years before asking you for a solution. Would it have been better for him to have been pestering you for it?

Whenever someone posts on here that they have a non existent sex life because their partner has lost their drive the responses are generally the same - either learn to live with a sexless marriage or get divorced (seems inevitable really).

If the new woman really is that much younger than him then there's a reasonable chance she doesn't want a full relationship with him anyway. She might not want any more than the partial arrangement they already have. It might just be him that's smitten and she could run a mile when she realises how deep his feelings are. Doesn't help you much, as I think your marriage is irrecoverable at this point.

TimeToDateAgain · 02/10/2021 22:54

I understand he is flattered by the attentions of a younger, attractive woman so I am hoping that what he thinks is love is just infatuation and it will pass.

At the risk of mentioning a stereotype, I wonder if cultures where it seems more routine for people to have extra-marital relationships might give you some very different responses. I've no idea if they have some understood ground rules for negotiating the sort of relationship that you want.

What do you think would happen if you had a re-negotiation with him? One in which you outlined what you'd like for your future and asked him if that still appeals or does he envisage himself with this or another partner?

IWillFindYou · 02/10/2021 22:55

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex.
It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2021 22:56

@deeni

Shocker.
@deeni

Sums it up on one word! It was always going to happen.

Set him free. You can’t have your cake and eat it. I wouldn’t want to live in a sexless marriage forever either. I’m sorry but that’s what distinguishes friendships from relationships.

It’s not like you’ve got young kids. You could easily meet someone else too and be happier.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/10/2021 22:58

@IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex. It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

No but her husband wasn't happy and fulfilled without sex in his life which is the case for the majority of people in a relationship I would imagine. Sex being off the table for good doesn't mean you won't love the person anymore necessarily but for people who do want to have sex but their partner doesn't, I think it would change the type of love that was over time from a romantic love to a deep friendship for example.

If both parties feel romantic love without sex that's fantastic and they are well matched, happy and fulfilled.

But I do think it's very rare for both partners to feel that way.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 22:58

OW is “mid forties” and DH is 62. So she is younger but not ‘young’, iyswim. DH is looks a lot younger, maybe mid-50s tops, as slim as the day we met and has a full head of hair. Women look at him wherever we go, I am not surprised a beautiful woman is attracted to him. But romantic dinners weren’t part of the deal. Walks on the beach weren’t part of the deal. Falling in love certainly wasn’t part of the deal.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 02/10/2021 22:59

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

Even if it wasn't part of the terms, unfortunately it's something that can happen. People start casual sex relationships all the time and say feelings won't get involved, but then they happen.
Of course if there was an agreement that he stops seeing someone if he thinks he's getting too attached and he kept seeing her then he broke the terms of the agreement, but unfortunately that's done now and can't be undone. He's not going to just say oh yes you're right I did break the terms and then end what he has with the other woman.
Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and when people find that bond with someone they rarely give it up willingly when the 2 people involved both still want it.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?
He already said he won't give her up so I'm assuming he already knows he is risking his marriage to you.

I think you need to prepare for a possible outcome where the decision might be taken away from you unfortunately.

LobsterNapkin · 02/10/2021 23:00

@IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex. It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

I would say that marriage isn't even just about romantic love, and that isn't an essential ingredient either. Maybe less essential than sex, really. But our culture has a fairly shallow view of married love.
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/10/2021 23:01

@IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex. It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

For someone who does want to have sex, their marriage is less than they want if it lacks sex. If you like or love sex, a romantic relationship without it is a romantic relationship missing something important.

The OP's husband was not and is not satisfied with a sexless relationship, so all the happy sexless marriages in the world are irrelevant.

MyPatronusIsACat · 02/10/2021 23:03

@TractorAndHeadphones

Sorry OP but this was always going to happen the moment you agreed to an 'open' relationship to please him. Contrary to popular perception open marriages only work if BOTH parties want to go off and sleep with other people. If it's to satisfy the sexual urges of one this is the result. Prepare for divorce...
This. ^

An open marriage and swinging/dogging etc is a fucking terrible idea, and always ends in tears.

Sorry @PhillyQueen your marriage is over. Flowers

GreenClock · 02/10/2021 23:04

Are his feelings reciprocated? I’m not sensing from your posts that she’s pressing him to leave you.

She might be in a sexless flatmate-style setup too. Is she likely to want children?

You need some answers in order to make an informed decision. It’s too woolly as it stands.

The problem is that if they fizzle out, he could meet someone else ….with the same scenario unfolding. You will always be worrying about it.

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2021 23:05

@IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex. It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

I disagree. If you romantically love someone the urge to have arc wit them would be too strong to not do it, other than a few exceptions, for example abuse victims, those that are unable to for physical reasons…

Other than the above examples, it’s hard to bribe your ‘in-love’ with some but chose not to have sex with them…. Doesn’t make sense and goes against human instinct and nature.

I think as couples are together for prolonged periods the sex can wane and stop as in this case. I would describe this situation as living the person but not being ‘In- love’ with them.

If both parties are ok with that and no sex etc then that’s fine but often, it’s not enough. I think the older a couple is when they stop having sex the less likely they will split.

I couldn’t live in a sexless marriage at say 45, if I was 65 I imagine I would be ok with it, but not for 20+ years…

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2021 23:05

Sex not arc 🤣

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2021 23:06

Sorry for the typos… hope it makes sense

MyPatronusIsACat · 02/10/2021 23:08

@TableFlowerss

*Sex* not arc 🤣
3 completely wrong letters. Are you on the Wine ??? Grin
Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2021 23:08

@IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex. It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.

Absolutely true if both people are happy in a sexless marriage, and there are couples who enjoy their life’s without sex. But not true if one person wants sex, as that person obviously wants the sexual connection, and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad for feeling that way.
Nightbringer · 02/10/2021 23:10

I want to stay married because I love DH and I like our life together. We really do work well together as a unit and he is a very good person who I want to grow older with and enjoy our family, travel and, when it happens, retirement with.

But it doesn't sound like he wants to settle into a nice quiet retirement.

Your posts come across as though you will do anything to stay on the marriage, because YOU want the retirement you image in your head. He wants the retirement part.....but also this other part. Your plans don't match

But you only have a part of him. He is in love with someone else. He is dating her. He is giving her time and attention when he is with you.

You said yes to something you aren't comfortable with, to stay married to him. Sounds like there were no proper rules put in place. The inevitable has happened.

Your unhappiness is tied to your choices to hang on to the imaginary future you want.

Either you need to accept that just you and him in sedate, sexless marriageand retirement isn't going to happen.