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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
KimchiJjigae · 02/10/2021 21:22

I think your marriage is over, sorry. The lack of sex in your marriage was always going to make an open marriage dangerous.

It would be really difficult not to want a life with someone who you enjoy sex and spending time with. On one hand he has a marriage with you and presumably enjoys your company, and on the other he has a girlfriend with whom he enjoys both the company and sex. I think it's natural to be drawn to the full relationship experience.

It sounds really tough, as you expected it would just be about sex and he'd be happy but I think without that intimacy in your marriage and someone else who loves him too it's not going to work out for you both Flowers

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/10/2021 21:22

You really didn't see this coming? Let him go, it's over.

grapewine · 02/10/2021 21:24

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

Genuinely, what did you think would happen? You opened up your marriage, and it has backfired. Make plans to divorce.

Redtartanshoes · 02/10/2021 21:26

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it. He has you at home, being his wife, supporting, loving, looking after, and a young thing to be intimate with and have the fun times. Win win for him eh? Must be nice.

Tell him it’s over. That Thai was never the plan and as such it’s time to draw a line under your marriage. He can Cintinue his life with the new woman and you will start your own life. Mention you’ve been to see a solicitor about how best to divide assets including the martial home and his pension.

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido 💯

And do it. If that’s what you want. Chances are he’ll tell you his changed his mind… he won’t mean it

toocold54 · 02/10/2021 21:26

I actually don’t think this is simply because you have an open marriage. Lots of people fall in love with other people without having an open marriage so I don’t think it will do any good questioning whether it was a good idea or not.

I feel you have three options:

  • split up amicably. And you and him will hopefully remain friends.
  • leave it as is and wait it out hoping it fizzles out but know there’s a chance if he continues sleeping with her he’ll eventually leave you for her.
  • tell him to stop seeing her. To hope that he gets over her but know there is a good chance he’ll decide to leave you for her because you’ve given him an ultimatum.

I honestly don’t know what I would do in your shoes.
But if he thinks he’s genuinely in love then I’m sorry to say but I think your relationship is already over.

Atlas2021 · 02/10/2021 21:27

Does the other woman know you know?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2021 21:28

Call time OP. He might say he wants to stay with you but you’ll be waiting for that to change any day and that’ll ruin what’s left of you being together that’s good.

He hasn’t done anything wrong. It just hurts you to have to see him mooning over her in front of you. Obviously it does! But this sort of arrangement was always going to lead to major trouble. Now it has and you can best end it by telling him calmly you’re walking away, filing for divorce and doing all the practical stuff needed to begin lives that are officially separate.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 21:28

@CallMeRisley

Did you sleep with anyone else while your marriage was open?
No. I’m just not very sexual and never have been. It’s not a big deal for me. I assumed DH was more or less the same but that he wanted sex occasionally, which was part of our agreement
OP posts:
AtomicBlondeRose · 02/10/2021 21:29

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido

Or he’ll realise a loving, sexually fulfilling relationship in a two bed flat is still better than a dead sexless marriage in a family house…

isthismylifenow · 02/10/2021 21:30

@PhillyQueen

There’s lots of good stuff still there and I don’t think he actually wants to end our marriage, I think he wants to carry on as we are. See her and be married to me. I accept that he sleeps with her but I cannot accept that he loves her and thinks about her all the time (his admission).

I think what really tore me apart was that he says he enjoys being with her in non-sexual situations as he does being in bed with her. The sex I can cope with, after all I don’t want that and I agreed to him seeking that elsewhere, but the dinners and the walks and the looking at his phone and smiling when she texts, no.

I'm sure he would love to carry on as you are. As he has the best of both worlds. An affair partner on the side and his wife and normal day to day life. But you did enable it I am afraid.
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 02/10/2021 21:30

What's stopping him from being with his girlfriend full-time now? Is she married? Is it the cost of divorce? Does he have a career where a divorce would look bad? Worried about what the children would think?

He will want to be with her 100% of the time at some point. You could stay married on paper. I'm old and there are a lot of people still married on paper - but not living together, seeing other people. Late in life divorces are tough.

Emotionally, though, you have to see he has checked out. You might as well move on emotionally, as well.

Pices · 02/10/2021 21:30

I think he's letting you down gently OP. He loves her. His heart is hers now. He probably does want to remain friends with you and really that's all you've been for a long time. Let him go before he leaves. I imagine your blessing would be a huge gift.

hashbrownsandwich · 02/10/2021 21:31

What is it that you are clinging on to OP?
A house? The family dynamic? The reputation?
Are you scared of being 'alone?'

grapewine · 02/10/2021 21:32

@AtomicBlondeRose

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido

Or he’ll realise a loving, sexually fulfilling relationship in a two bed flat is still better than a dead sexless marriage in a family house…

That would be my bet too, tbh.
Dixiechickonhols · 02/10/2021 21:32

Divorce amicably and stay friends. You can’t stay married to someone who is in love with someone else.

BrendaBubbles · 02/10/2021 21:33

But open marriages always end in disaster.

So do half of marriages but that’s not a reason to not bother. It’s about living in the moment not worrying about some possible future event

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 02/10/2021 21:34

I don’t think either of you are BU. You need to divorce him.

Lotusmonster · 02/10/2021 21:34

I’m sorry for your loss OP, but you’re being utterly fanciful here to believe he can have sex with the same woman and not form attachments or friendships of any kind. He’s a human being fgs not a robot!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2021 21:35

The thing is-it’s no longer an open marriage is it? He’s having a full blown affair if they are having dinners and walks etc. It won’t be long before the lady concerned wants more-and I suspect your DH will too.

beastlyslumber · 02/10/2021 21:35

I don't think YABU for being upset and feeling like your DH hasn't kept to the spirit of the agreement. However, it was always going to be a risk. What can you do? Probably not much, other than let him go. Explain that while you were okay with him having sexual relationships outside the marriage, you are not okay with him having a full on love affair. He doesn't want to admit there's a difference because obviously he wants his cake and eat it. But there is a big difference for you, so all you can do is spell that out to him. Unless you're willing to continue on these terms, then the marriage is almost certainly over.

Does she know he's married and has kids etc? I wonder if she knows what messiness she's got involved with.

Fishinkles · 02/10/2021 21:36

But open marriages always end in disaster.

They really, really don't - unfortunately they are rarely spoken about due to the stigma attached to them however they are usually very successful and wonderfully loving relationships built on openness and respect.

OP, I will PM you.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/10/2021 21:36

Start looking after yourself. Get a new hairstyle, some news clothes, start going out with mates and get that divorce! You now have a chance to meet someone and be happy even if it is later in life. X

Voice0fReason · 02/10/2021 21:37

Your marriage was over years ago when you chose an open marriage over putting effort into your sex-life.
You can't just ignore a key part of a relationship when one person wants it and the other doesn't. It's not something that can be farmed out.

SweeneyToddler · 02/10/2021 21:38

And in the twist Stevie Wonder could see coming… Hmm

Divorce him, OP. He doesn’t love you, you don’t want a physical relationship with him. You can’t continue to flog this very dead horse.

TimeToDateAgain · 02/10/2021 21:40

@Fishinkles

But open marriages always end in disaster.

They really, really don't - unfortunately they are rarely spoken about due to the stigma attached to them however they are usually very successful and wonderfully loving relationships built on openness and respect.

OP, I will PM you.

I'm aware of some polyamorous relationships that involve open marriages: they seem to work for some of the participants who have a spouse, committed long-term relationships and more shortlived ones.

However, they seem very different to the OP 's set-up and discussion.