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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 21:41

Of course he wants to carry on as you are, why wouldn't he. I'm surprised he told you he loves her tbh as he could have just kept on seeing her with your blessing.

Anyway, it's over now. He's going to lose his cushy set up. Unless of course you decide not to separate. It's entirely up to you.

What does he do about holidays and Christmas, that sort of thing as, presumably, he will want to spend that time with her now?

daisychain01 · 02/10/2021 21:41

Unfortunately your marriage was dead in the water when you gave him full clearance to have his cake and eat it which led to him discovering someone else during his free space and realising he was missing the physical connection.

There’s lots of good stuff still there and I don’t think he actually wants to end our marriage, I think he wants to carry on as we are. See her and be married to me.

You're kidding yourself. Why would he prefer this half-in half-out nonsense when he could start afresh and make a go of it. And you're forgetting there is a third party who may not want that "convenient arrangement" and will put pressure on him to make his mind up.

Djifunrsn · 02/10/2021 21:42

He asked you to agree to his affairs and now he is openly seeing someone not just for sex, but for everything else as well and won't give it up. Get rid of him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/10/2021 21:43

I think the problem is if you stay together , it won’t work
You’ll spend the whole time paranoid that your
Aren’t having sex and are not her x

I’m sorry 😞 this can’t be nice to read

And , you might have a new life and new start

And I can’t think anyone could restart sex in such circumstances

FWBNC · 02/10/2021 21:43

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I think the only thing you can do, as you still want your marriage, but can't carry on how you are... is to tell him it's her OR me, you can't have both.

He may decide your history, your family & your relationship are more important than anything else, but unfortunately he will probably decide a sexual relationship where he like & loves her too is too much to lose.

Not your problem of course, but I wonder what she thinks...what he's told her?!

But be strong, there is life after divorce! and all the better (esp for your kids) if you can be amicable

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 02/10/2021 21:43

Open marriages can work I’ve seen it .... but like any arrangement terms have to be carefully drawn up. The big mistake here I think has been the assumptions you have made about what your DH wanted from this and he has made a grave miscalculation about how you feel now he has fallen for another woman. Either renegotiate and stick to terms you both agree with and feel happy with or .... split :(

Ezydoesit · 02/10/2021 21:46

Out of interest, what is their age gap? I’m guessing that if you and your husband are a similar age and she looks like your granddaughter then there must be a substantial age gap.

He is certainly having his cake and eating it. At the moment it’s easy for him to enjoy this woman while he feels secure in his marriage.

RAOK · 02/10/2021 21:46

Let him go and be happy.

Lana07 · 02/10/2021 21:47

That's why our marriage is sacred to us and we would never ever allow anyone to be involved in it so freely.

Hormones, mutual love, great sex can ruin any sort of 'stable' sexless marriage.

I wouldn't be able to stay in a marriage like this and would have to divorce him.

WinterSunglasses · 02/10/2021 21:48

@Redtartanshoes

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it. He has you at home, being his wife, supporting, loving, looking after, and a young thing to be intimate with and have the fun times. Win win for him eh? Must be nice.

Tell him it’s over. That Thai was never the plan and as such it’s time to draw a line under your marriage. He can Cintinue his life with the new woman and you will start your own life. Mention you’ve been to see a solicitor about how best to divide assets including the martial home and his pension.

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido 💯

And do it. If that’s what you want. Chances are he’ll tell you his changed his mind… he won’t mean it

This is the best course of action whatever the outcome. He may still decide to be with the new woman, but it forces him - and you - to make a proper choice. You can have a good life without him, even if you've never believed that enough before.W
Honeyroar · 02/10/2021 21:48

I agree, everything has changed, it was a gamble agreeing to something like this and it’s not paid off.. It sounds like it’s over. My friend expected her partner to stay in a relationship like this, and exactly the same thing happened. He fell in love with someone else and has been married to her for 20 years now.

Lightisnotwhite · 02/10/2021 21:48

@Arabelladrinkstea

But why not let him go with grace and love? After all, as you’ve said, you’ve had a wonderful life together and now he has the opportunity to be madly in love with someone, and you never know maybe you’ll meet someone too?

Personally I think YABU, if I really loved someone I’d want to see them happy

This is it exactly. I mean it hurts but you know absolutely you’re doing the right thing. You’ll always have those years together and your children. Move on. You found one good bloke you’ll find another ( if that’s what you want. Hasn’t what you want from life changed too?

And don’t worry about her being “better”. She’ll change as we all do.

FrippEnos · 02/10/2021 21:49

Redtartanshoes

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido

You are assuming that the OP wouldn't have to sell the house that they are in and that he wouldn't be entitled to half of the OP's pension and business.

but then this is often forgotten about when giving extremely poor advice on the internet.

PaperDolphin · 02/10/2021 21:50

Sorry you are going through this OP, agree it sounds like it would be best to walk away. One good thing is he has been so honest that you don't have the gaslighting head-fuckery that often comes along with this.

Can't help but wonder what on earth is in it for the other woman...

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 21:50

She apparently knows he is married, knows about the kids (and grandkids) and knows about the arrangement we had. I don’t know for sure if she is married or has kids so I don’t know if there is anything holding her back on her side but my googling research, she does appear to have a partner/DH. No sign of any children but she may just be private on social media.

I know I should have expected this, deep down of course I do.

OP posts:
Citygirl2019 · 02/10/2021 21:51

This is no longer sex, it's a relationship. Walks, dinners and spending time together. You will end up torturing yourself if you remain in the situation.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 02/10/2021 21:52

Considering that you knew he was sleeping with someone else and were ok with it, I wonder why he has told you that he is falling in love with her if not to prepare you for the fact he may well be leaving you.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 21:52

Financially we can afford to split. He would take the bigger hit but he has had a successful career and runs several side businesses and a divorce wouldn’t hit him too hard. This isn’t the issue.

OP posts:
Washeduponthebeach · 02/10/2021 21:54

It’s over . If you love him you’ll let him go. He’s fallen for someone else.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 21:54

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Considering that you knew he was sleeping with someone else and were ok with it, I wonder why he has told you that he is falling in love with her if not to prepare you for the fact he may well be leaving you.
He told me because I asked him. I knew he was seeing someone, I can always tell, but this seemed more frequent and more involved, so I asked him if he has feelings for her, expecting him to say no, and he admitted it.
OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/10/2021 21:54

I'm sorry, but your marriage is over.

Your mistake was in thinking he felt the same as you about sex, i.e. basically wasn't into it and was fully satisfied with a platonic relationship. That's not the way that most people who like sex feel about it. Sex is intimately intertwined with love and emotional intimacy and most people can't and don't want to separate the two. When he can have emotional intimacy only, or sexual, romantic and emotional intimacy... it's an easy choice.

GettingItOutThere · 02/10/2021 21:55

you need to divorce. He wants to have his cake and eat it, have an affair basically.

I understand sex is okay as you dont want it, but it dosent include the dates etc too in an open relationship

divorce.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2021 21:55

Can't help but wonder what on earth is in it for the other woman...

She presumably likes all the things about him that OP does, and they have a physical relationship.

QueenBee52 · 02/10/2021 21:55

@GettingItOutThere

you need to divorce. He wants to have his cake and eat it, have an affair basically.

I understand sex is okay as you dont want it, but it dosent include the dates etc too in an open relationship

divorce.

I have to agree ... let it go 🌸

Killthewinewitchnow · 02/10/2021 21:57

Your marriage is over I’m afraid OP. You were naive to not accept this as a very probable risk.

I would try to find someone who matches your level of sex drive.

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