Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

This is very different to open marriages where its what both people want.

He didn't want to give up his sex life (which I get) you decided that you did want to give your own up and made a decision to stay in the marriage.

In fairness to him, he can't help if he fell in love with her. She was a regular sex partner, it happens.

Really, you should have stipulated one night stands only, if him having an emotional connection was a deal breaker for you.

I am wondering why you are so desperate to keep the marriage together. Is it lifestyle? Just because you want to be in his life? Fear of being alone?

I think you need to figure that out and go from there, really. Chances are, even if you try and ban him from seeing her, he will leave you for her. Assuming she feels the same as him.

Its best you are in control of that situation.

I don't actually, think he has done anything wrong. You may feel he broke the agreement. But how do your stop yourself falling for someone? It happens to people all the time. It was inevitable this would happen. He acted within your agreement, he has been upfront and honest. Feelings just aren't that easy to switch on and off.

@PaperDolphin

Sorry you are going through this OP, agree it sounds like it would be best to walk away. One good thing is he has been so honest that you don't have the gaslighting head-fuckery that often comes along with this.

Can't help but wonder what on earth is in it for the other woman...

It looks like she is getting great sex and loving relations even with a big age gap.

@PhillyQueen

There’s lots of good stuff still there and I don’t think he actually wants to end our marriage, I think he wants to carry on as we are. See her and be married to me. I accept that he sleeps with her but I cannot accept that he loves her and thinks about her all the time (his admission).

I think what really tore me apart was that he says he enjoys being with her in non-sexual situations as he does being in bed with her. The sex I can cope with, after all I don’t want that and I agreed to him seeking that elsewhere, but the dinners and the walks and the looking at his phone and smiling when she texts, no.

He wants his cake and eat it, something which you've allowed him to do.

I'm sorry op but this was always going to happen. You have your husband the go ahead. You need to cut your losses and love on, he clearly has

Take a breath and some time to think it through, consider some outside counseling and don't rush to issue ultimatums.

Open relationships can be complicated, there's no way to guarantee feelings don't become involved but it doesn't have to mean the end. This new relationship energy he's feeling will likely fade and mellow and you might be able to work around this blip with time, honesty and communication if that's what you decide you want.

@PhillyQueen

Financially we can afford to split. He would take the bigger hit but he has had a successful career and runs several side businesses and a divorce wouldn’t hit him too hard. This isn’t the issue.

What is the issue? What do you hope to achieve. Do you want to accept that he loves someone else and carry on as you were. It's OK if you do but are you sure that's what you want?

@PhillyQueen just read your post to my DH to see what he thought.. he made an interesting point I think- when you both agreed to this, you did so because it would improve your current marriage- by taking these next steps with this woman your husband has lost sight of that reason. Therefore I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable! You are right to feel the goalposts have shifted and you weren’t aware. A few points I think you should reflect on:

• what do you want? Really? A marriage for ‘show’ or not to be single; or deep happiness in a partnership? You don’t mention what you really want at all.
• if you could get your husband to do a U turn on this other woman, could you really forgive this?? I think I couldn’t and the shock from his poor behaviour & broken trust would make that impossible. Could you forgive if he called it off?? That’s the best case scenario & still a big upward climb.
• what then? Could you learn to trust him again? I think you would need to seriously reinvent your marriage- both the emotional part & the physical part. Are you willing to do that? Also a big ask from you; and you’d need to pour that effort in knowing ‘he’ had caused this.. could you do that? Sending you a hug and good luck whatever you decide to do. Xox

Jeez he sounds like a sleazy creep perving on a younger model.
Let him go, the woman will have her fill for a wee while then she will realise she's shagging a grandad and leave him and he'll come running back to you as second best.

I'd not want to be married to that. Why would you?

does she feel the same way? Does she want him to leave you? Or is she happy with their current arrangement? Just because he feels that way, doesn’t necessarily mean she does too. Of course, if it all goes wrong I’m guessing he could lose both of you. Or you end up with a very unhappy husband.

So did you agree he could have relationships outside the marriage or 'just' casual sex?

I ask as I think most people would realise 'just' sex could very easily lead to feelings and a relationship so I'm wondering why this has come as such a shock to you. It was always a massive risk you were taking.

Sorry you're feeling lousy about it but it's a very complicated thing you've tried to navigate and it hasn't worked out.

You are likely his best friend who he loves very much and has shared a life with that he very much enjoyed. But without intimacy, for someone who craves intimacy and sex I can imagine him meeting someone he likes as a person and has sex with is more intoxicating a proposition than he perhaps realised it would be.

Hopefully if she has a partner they know and he isn't being cheated on unwittingly.

I don't know a lot about open marriages but the little I do know seem to me you have broken all the cardinal rules.

You aren't in any other relationships, It's just him.
He's fallen in love.
Either spouse should be able to pull the plug on things if they feel uncomfortable,
The marriage comes first.

You haven't put considered boundaries in place and essentially you've given your DH away to another woman.

He's clearly besotted with her.

I'd start divorce proceedings immediately.

No. I’m just not very sexual and never have been. It’s not a big deal for me.

Are you aware that so many, many men are shit in bed? But that if you find a man - or perhaps a woman - you click with, you may find you are sexual after all?

Let him go and when the young woman bags him and they have kids together he’ll be the knackered older dad? Sex will no longer be on the menu then. My dh friend soon found that out now he’s a 54 year old father to a 4 and 18 month old!

Are you aware that so many, many men are shit in bed?

And so are a lot of women yet you wouldn’t advise a man with a low/no drive to find a better partner. This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man.

For most people sex is an intrinsic part of marriage. Otherwise, it’s more of a friendship. You don’t want sex, and that’s fine, but he does. Again for a lot of people, having sex with the same person will lead to feelings, and it looks like this is what is happening for your husband. It looks like you both want completely different things, and personally I am more like your husband, I need friendship, sex, and romance from the same person. For me, love for a partner includes sex and all the cuddling, romance, long walks, dinner, etc. You don’t want that, but your partner does. Nobody is right or wrong, you’re just incompatible and you have you’re whole lives ahead of you so don’t settle.

I don't think this is anyone's fault. This was somrthing that has happened that isn't really surprising. You should let him go.

I’m never sexually attracted to men if I’m not emotionally attracted to them.
I know a lot of people are quite happy with one or the other.
It seems like your DH has found both a physically and emotionally fulfilling relationship. It’s sad for you but that was always the risk.

@Viviennemary

I don't think this is anyone's fault. This was somrthing that has happened that isn't really surprising. You should let him go.

Agree with this.

This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man.

Seriously?

I haven't denied asexual people exist. Nor have I said to the OP the problem definitely IS that she's not found the right man.

But it's certainly a posibility, and one that is based on my own experience. Am I not allowed to share opinions based on my own experiences as they don't chime with yours? Who decides which are more valid, then?

I don't have any experience of sleeping with women who are shit in bed (only one or two who were pretty damn good) so I'm afraid I can't comment. But if you look at stats on how often women in sam-sex relationships orgasm in sex compared with how little women who's partners are men have organsms, it becomes pretty clear it's not women's bodies that are the problem here!

Apologies for typos!

This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man
Has the OP said she is Asexual? I missed that.

@SunShinesBrightly

This is just offensive to genuinely asexual people like they can be solved by the right man Has the OP said she is Asexual? I missed that.

No, she didn't.

BrendaBubbles brought it up to have a go at me for suggesting to the OP that she MIGHT find she enjoys sex with the right person.

This is why 'open marriages' rarely work – because they usually involve an attempt to ring-fence feelings: "You can have sex but are absolutely not allowed to fall in love". Which if you look at it rationally is always unrealistic.

I'm not saying sex=love. It doesn't. But spending quality time with others catching feelings has always got to be considered as a possibility, and you didn't.

Not your fault - it's tremendously common. You didn't know what you didn't know.

It doesn't have to mean your marriage is over. And it doesn't sound like you want it to be. But your marriage has changed and you need to work out what you want, and what you can actually cope with.

My partner (well, one of them) and I began our relationship when he was in an 'open marriage' and had been for years. Which was fine by me, fine by his wife (who I met independently before anything happened between us) and fine by him. We caught feelings, though, which wasn't the plan, and it was a pretty tough time for all concerned for a while.

They didn't want to get divorced, we didn't want to split up. Also I wasn't especially interested a 24/7/52 relationship with anyone, or particularly in monogamy as a concept. So I absolutely wasn't looking for him to leave his wife for me.

We did all work through it, and are now in a consensually non-monogamous relationship with each other, he is still happily married to his (now) monogamous wife, and I have another long-term partner – and we both have other friends and lovers. We each have negotiated what we want and need and largely we have it.

But it requires a lot of communication, and a lot of being honest with yourselves and with each other, and a lot of thinking about what you actually need and want – from each other and from life. If the other person involved is able to be open and communicative too then so much the better.

I'm not going to go into more detail here about our journey – I'm already breaking my vow not to talk about polyamory or consensual non-monogamy on MN after getting an absolute flaming on here every time I have in the past. But if you want to DM me I'll happily talk to you openly and honestly about it.

All I would say is take some time. You're all reeling from these revelations, and your world has been up-ended. Communicate. Lots. This man is not your enemy. He hasn't set out to hurt you. You both made a decision without fully understanding the potential ramifications. Now you know what some of them are, at least you're operating with eyes open.

There are some books that might help, and some podcasts. Let me know if you think they might help and I'll stick them here.

3x

I couldn’t be in a sexless relationship. Your marriage ended when you realised you were no longer compatible, which is when you decided to have an “open” marriage. I don’t understand this. Either stay in a relationship and figure out why you have a low sex drive, or split up. Let him go.

There's a line in a Jilly Cooper book about someone "having their cake, eating it and making trifle out of it".

He's already prioritising her over you. Which means it's over.

Hold your head up high and walk away.

I don’t think you have any choice but to separate. Even if he doesn’t make a life with the current GF he has let you know that he’ll push your agreed boundaries re an open marriage.

If not now it’s only a matter of time. Sorry.