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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:

Original poster

PhillyQueen · 06/10/2021 16:43

@Jaguarshoes

Is this type of situation accepted in your friendship group?

Not openly but yes, long-term, sexless marriages are common among people of similar age in my friendship group (as I have mentioned in a previous post)

OP posts:

crosshatching · 06/10/2021 16:47

Would you consider dating yourself OP? If the marriage is open it's open for you too isn't it? You've been together a very long time, the chance to view yourself through the gaze of someone else might be interesting?

Original poster

PhillyQueen · 06/10/2021 16:50

It’s always been open for me too, yes. It’s not something I am interested in, tbh. I’m happy as things are. Well, before OW appeared.

OP posts:

RosieLee23 · 06/10/2021 16:54

@PhillyQueen

Can I reiterate that neither of us will take much of a financial hit if we seperated/divorced. This isn’t my motivation for either of us.

Then just save yourself the heartache and humiliation and separate. Unthread I said I’m the OW in this situation (or at least the planned situation), my MM was very clear at the beginning he would never leave his DW. Our relationship is conducted with the utmost discretion. If he leaves he will suffer financially, his conventional world will be turned upside down and he will have to rebuild his relationship with his children. However he changed his mind and wants to leave and I have had to be clear I do not want this. He would come to me at a moment’s notice if I let him. You are hanging in there at the moment, what if this goes on for a year or two and he still leaves? You are far better equipped to survive a change now. Why not just work out an amicable split where you still spend time together with your children and remain friends?

Lsquiggles · 06/10/2021 16:59

Are you open to trying to revive your sex life with your husband and if not, why? If you were to start having regular sex again, how would that impact his relationship with the ow? Would she 'allow' that?

Lsquiggles · 06/10/2021 17:00

I ask this because it doesn't sound like what he has with the ow is casual, no matter how long they've been 'together', they're in a relationship too with boundaries and expectations

Jaguarshoes · 06/10/2021 17:07

I can see how a sexless marriage may be quite common but this situation with the husband taking a mistress, is that also common and accepted?

Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 17:12

@RosieLee23

So your mm's wife understands the situation and knows all about you, but he is just discreet ?

BrendaBubbles · 06/10/2021 17:14

I can see how a sexless marriage may be quite common but this situation with the husband taking a mistress, is that also common and accepted?

I don't think it's hugely talked about over here but in France such a thing has historically been quietly accepted and widely understood.

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 17:16

Haven't read the previous posts just your first one OP and you honestly couldn't write this

Open marriage (to me) is NOT a good idea. Always ends badly. When sex is involved .... comes love. If you want to have sex (or see someone else in that way) with someone else then leave?

I'd certainly give my DP that option if he ever asked me out the blue one if he was 'allowed' to shag someone else!!!!

ManifestingJoy · 06/10/2021 17:17

@phillyqueen why dont you go away for a few days. See if you cant reignite some passions for visiting friends, touring a city, doing a pottery course. If you settle in to being on yr own you'l be better able to assess how much you really need him to just be there. How much you need or want a return to normal.

Unlike others on this thread id be surprised if she takes him on long term but dont sit around waiting for his decision

Lockdownbear · 06/10/2021 17:23

I don't think you can just jump straight into sex you need to rekindle that slowly, enjoying each others company again. Go for dinner and talk about the future rather than the past.

RosieLee23 · 06/10/2021 17:23

[quote Onthedunes]@RosieLee23

So your mm's wife understands the situation and knows all about you, but he is just discreet ?[/quote]
Yes exactly the sort of arrangement the OP thought she was entering with her DH. An open marriage but with agreement that this is kept confidential between them. The point is that it can work but the OP’s DH has completely broken the agreement they had.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/10/2021 17:29

@Lsquiggles

Whether she thinks she 'allows' it or not is immaterial. If she believes he's not having sexual relations with his wife then she's an idiot.

OK, so on this occasion, highly unusually, it happens to be true. In 99.999999% of cases, it's BS, and it's a line which comes straight out of The Script. They always say this!

Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 17:38

@RosieLee23

And your husband, he knows too?

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 17:57

@Redtartanshoes

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it. He has you at home, being his wife, supporting, loving, looking after, and a young thing to be intimate with and have the fun times. Win win for him eh? Must be nice.

Tell him it’s over. That Thai was never the plan and as such it’s time to draw a line under your marriage. He can Cintinue his life with the new woman and you will start your own life. Mention you’ve been to see a solicitor about how best to divide assets including the martial home and his pension.

Watch the colour drain from his face. Watch the realisation hit him of living in a 2 bed flat with half of his pension disappearing over night: that will kill his libido 💯

And do it. If that’s what you want. Chances are he’ll tell you his changed his mind… he won’t mean it

This

RosieLee23 · 06/10/2021 18:11

[quote Onthedunes]@RosieLee23

And your husband, he knows too?[/quote]
No but then again we’ve been divorced for many years so why would he need to know.

U2HasTheEdge · 06/10/2021 18:13

[quote TheGirlCat]@MarieIVanArkleStinks I think you simply aren't able to see what is right there. I see no 'pain', I see a wounded pride. There is no emotion, no love, nothing in her posts. She expresses no empathy; none for her husband. Even countless others apart from me commented on your lack of sympathy or compassion from her husband. You make the mistake of confusing arrogance and wounded pride for 'pain'. With pain comes compassion and empathy, there is no compassion, no empathy, no self awareness in the OP's posts. She exudes an almost sadistic and sociopathic exterior. So I am presuming you are being inventive yourself and inventing pain when all I can see is wounded pride. NOT ONCE has she, despite admitting she is sitting here reading our posts, said how she feels about her rejection of her husband and his feelings.

Now, he is parading his new partner around town, and something finally chinked into her icy exterior. Wounded pride. No devastation. Even in it's wake, a determination - at all costs - to "win".

I think your lack of ability to read this situation and your subsequent admonishing me of calling it for what it is, says a great deal about you. Or perhaps you simply haven't had the misfortune to come across a sadist and sociopath in your life. Lucky you. However one read of AIBU and Relationships will show that the OP is quite common. And you have no right to abuse those like myself for calling out home truths and telling it like it is.[/quote]
I think you need to take a step back.

You really don't have special insight into OP's character. You are not 'telling it like it is'. You are reading what OP has written and projected your own experiences onto the situation, like most of us do to some extent.

Accusing a poster of abusing and gaslighting you is a low blow. No one did that, so it doesn't give me a lot of confidence in your ability to judge people's characters.

I do not feel OP's husband is a victim. I think it is much more complex than that. I could be wrong, but if anything, I think he holds all the power here and likely always has.

Iloveabourbon2 · 06/10/2021 18:20

@Lockdownbear

I don't think you can just jump straight into sex you need to rekindle that slowly, enjoying each others company again. Go for dinner and talk about the future rather than the past.

Jesus christ!!!!

OP has been married for 40 odd years. I mean really. She's had her run FGS. She needs to let the man be on his way with the OW.

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 18:23

I am echoing @U2HasTheEdge

@MarieIVanArkleStinks what on earth is wrong with you. 🙄

ElspethFlashman · 06/10/2021 18:28

If we are still here in a few months then yes, it will be time to think again. but I’m not throwing the towel in on this just yet.

But what can you do???

You say yourself you have an incredibly busy life and don't spend a huge amount of time together. And obviously there hasn't been any intimacy for years and never will be.

Now, all his spare time is with someone else. His intimacy is with someone else.

I'm confused as to what you actually intend to do?

Original poster

PhillyQueen · 06/10/2021 18:30

He sees the OW once or twice a week, I believe. He’s busy, she has her commitments too. Hardly “all his free time”

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/10/2021 18:35

@Pugmumm

I am echoing *@U2HasTheEdge*

@MarieIVanArkleStinks what on earth is wrong with you. 🙄

@Pugmumm I'm not the poster U2HasTheEdge was referring to here. This message was addressed to me but not written by me.

Blossomtoes · 06/10/2021 18:43

OP has been married for 40 odd years. I mean really. She's had her run FGS. She needs to let the man be on his way with the OW.

Marriage is supposed to be for life. Not until you’ve “had your run” and given more than half your life to it.

dogmandu · 06/10/2021 18:47

what is MM? thanks

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