Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

Married man

The Op doesn't need to "let him go" 🙄 The poor darling isn't locked in a box. Both Op & husband are individually wealthy and I imagine more than capable of picking up the phone to a family lawyer.
For whatever reason he's currently ok being married. I don't think it will stay that way but the inference that the Op is somehow restricting him is ridiculous in the circumstances.

She suggested he had sex with random women, forgetting he is a human being and quite obviously associates intimacy and emotional bonding with sex. And now is aghast he emotionally connected with a woman. Which is what he wanted all along and wasn't receiving from her. Now she wonders how this happened, as if he meant to fall in love with someone he emotionally bonded with. As if he deliberately did this and cheated on her, and it's now all his fault. What gets me is the cold and clinical way she comes across, no self awareness of her part.
TheGirlCat

Agree.

But he’s seeing her because he doesn’t like your life…or at least, an important part of it. Marriage isn’t pick and mix. Think of it the other way - how awful would it be if a DH said to his wife, “Look - wee are fantastic co-parents and I think you’re really hot. But you bore me senseless and I can’t bear to talk to you any more. So we’ll carry along with the children and having regular sex, but we’ll each just spend the rest of the time talking to our own mates about interesting things.” This is the same - it’s just a different part of the marriage that you’ve “farmed out”. And it’s a hugely important bit to him (as to most men).
WimpoleHat

Also agree with this.

The inability of the OP to understand what sex can contribute to an emotional relationships, what her husband really needed, and in fact what the totality of a marital relationship is and how other people tend to need it, is striking.

I didn’t suggest he had sex with random women, he came to me with the proposition that he would seek casual, no strings attached sex and we could continue our lives together as is. Had he come to me and said he wanted to have an affair but still carry on without lives together, I probably would have agreed to that too. He instigated this. Yes, he did so because he wanted sex and I didn’t, but it was his idea.

The Op doesn't need to "let him go"

She needs to let him go emotionally and psychologically.
She needs to let go of the idea that she is married in a sense of the word that is relevant to her H, who is the other half of the relationship she believes she still has.

She can have the lifestyle she has now without the accessory. She owns her own business. But this is apparently 'unthinkable'.

I’m going to see my son and his family for a long weekend tomorrow as I need to get away. If that gives DH extra time to see OW then so be it, I can’t be around all the time. I’ve read some of their text message exchange (yes, I looked at his phone) and frankly I didn’t need that, so I’m having a few days off it all.

I still maintain there is no way OW will leave her DH for mine. My DH is not getting any younger.

Do you not see in the context of the relationship with the OW that at some point in the course of sex with no strings attached, he must have realised what he was missing, and this part that was missing is incredibly important to him in a relationship?

And do you not see that a relationship where you would be fine with him having an affair is not at all a marriage?

What’s with talking about the OP in the 3rd person? She’s on this thread and she reads and responds regularly.

Maybe it’s just me but it comes across as other posters holding court to a captivated Mumsnet audience. It’s kind of like disparaging someone when they are in the same room as you by saying, “Well, Charlotte doesn’t agree with that...” whilst looking pointedly in their direction.

Hope you get a little respite from it all this weekend, OP.

As you were...

This whole situation is fucked up

DH is having his cake and eating it

OP is hoping that DH doesn't leave her for OW

OW is meeting DH in public and being introduced to mutual friends

I wouldn't be surprised if OW doesn't spend this weekend in the marital home while OP is away turning a blind eye! 🤷‍♀️

Thank you Middlesex girl ...

Op when your with DS will you be able to talk to someone?
Is he likely to question where his Dad is?

@Lockdownbear

Op when your with DS will you be able to talk to someone? Is he likely to question where his Dad is?

My work hours are totally flexible so I often go down to our son’s on my own and DH often joins on Saturday afternoon but if working, it wouldn’t be completely unheard of for him not to come down at all, so I won’t have to explain anything to DS.

DH is not going to bring OW here to our house. Apart from anything, I know from reading their texts where they are planning to meet this weekend and it’s nowhere near here

he came to me with the proposition that he would seek casual, no strings attached sex and we could continue our lives together as is

He's not done that though has he. He's having a full blown relationship with another woman. You agreed to the no strings, he's now pushed the boundaries and having a full blown affair. He's also saying to you that you either 'put up, or shut up'. It's a very selfish stance on his part, he's using the fact he knows (or thinks he does) that you'll put up with this situation. I think he's having his cake and eating it.

This isn't an agreement, he's having an affair in plain sight.

I think introducing her to your mutual friends is woefully disrespectful to you too. He's treating you appalling and you're going along with it because you agreed to him having casual sex and you don't want him to leave you.

PhillyQueen, he is so emotionally disconnected from you that he feels entitled to date openly for all the world to see. No discretion or consideration for your feelings. No conscience. No respect for your children. Texting OW and smiling at her messages right in front of you.

He is not even behaving as a friend to you.

He is setting a precedent. He loves the validation he gets from sharing adventures with OW. If things don’t work out for them, he will look for another woman who wants the same. They are out there.

Your thread is almost full. I will be thinking of you.

Aside from seeking support, I don’t see the point of this thread @PhillyQueen As is your right, your mind has been completely made up from your first post.

Op I hope you have a good weekend and are able to clear your head.
I hope you are able to move forward with DH or if he's not willing to work on the marriage with you, move forward alone.
But you can't stay married while he pisses all over your vows and soul.

I don't know if washing his pants, cleaning his house, being general dogsbody and house keeper while he swans off with your mutual friends to parties, restaurants, houses, no doubt holidays with these mutual friends too is going to be good for your mental health in the long run.

Brilliant ego boost for him. ,

You are the granny/ housekeeper/ washer upper in his eyes and not worthy of entertaining in the same way as his new fancy woman and best friend.

I would instigate a chat with her op, to see where she feels things are heading.

As an outsider, I would say you are being pushed out and she is taking your place.

Are you comfortable with the role of granny and housekeeper op? As he has compartmentalised you.

To be so blatantly disrespectful to you thout. That is chilling. I actually find it disturbing that he thinks so little of you that he would inflict this hurt on you daily.

I am sorry op. I would withdraw all my services if I were you. No cleaning, no cooking meals, no laundry done for him.

I wonder how he would treat you if you did that.

@PhillyQueen

I didn’t suggest he had sex with random women, he came to me with the proposition that he would seek casual, no strings attached sex and we could continue our lives together as is. Had he come to me and said he wanted to have an affair but still carry on without lives together, I probably would have agreed to that too. He instigated this. Yes, he did so because he wanted sex and I didn’t, but it was his idea.

So OP you are now saying you would actually have agreed to an affair so surely you just need to have the conversation and let him know. At the same time set your boundary that he must keep his relationship hidden from family and friends and be discreet and conduct it away from your local area. I expect he would also ask that you stop reading his messages and stop trying to pry into the life of the OW then you can both agree and stick to new boundaries.

I really struggle with your comments about him being so undesirable to other women. If that reflects how you feel about him then just let him go.

@AnnieSnap

Aside from seeking support, I don’t see the point of this thread *@PhillyQueen* As is your right, your mind has been completely made up from your first post.

Yes I have started to wonder if this is another hoax thread. I really struggle to understand why someone real would post about this then ignore all the advice and comments. The OP’s mind is made up that she will just stick her head in the sand and hope it ends when the OW loses interest but she has no intention of changing her own mindset so I’m guessing it will just happen again or she will change her mind about an open marriage and he will leave.

His proposition was no strings sex. You agreed to an open marriage on that basis. But he's broken the rules, he's got emotionally involved. He should've cut all ties with her when he started falling. Been honest with you that he was getting feelings for her.

I appreciate that you want to save your marriage and you think you can just ride it out until his infatuation wanes. But I think you're being naive and also doing yourself a massive disservice.

Even if his infatuation with OW wanes, how will you ever trust him again? He might continue to seek out "no strings" sex to meet his own desires but if he fell in love once, it'll happen again. He's made it clear he wants to be in a relationship with somebody with whom he enjoys sex. He doesn't get that from you.

The alternative, if he returns to you, is to put an end to the open marriage. How do you see that playing out long term? Chances are he'll be frustrated and resentful.

By all means try your hardest and fight for your marriage but also be realistic about what the longer term future looks like.

@PhillyQueen
You must be very careful that this doesn’t destroy your mental health and well-being, it would for anybody going through it.

I hope you are eating properly and sleeping, but sadly I suspect not.

Don’t get slowly conditioned to accept this terrible and unnatural position you find yourself in.

You can do something about it and if you can’t face it now, at least give yourself a timeframe to put a stop to it.

I agree with @PinotPony
Even if this stops with OW at some point, you will never ever rest easy because you’ll be sitting on a time-bomb waiting for it to happen again. Your life will be full of insecurity and uncertainty and not feeling good enough.

Your life will be full of insecurity and uncertainty and not feeling good enough.

Funnily enough, that's the same kind of wording that gets used in threads talking about husbands not wanting to have sex any more.

I still maintain there is no way OW will leave her DH for mine. My DH is not getting any younger.

That's a bit of a weird thing to say about someone you love 🤨